Wake up call for a procrastinator

[Varitek]

So my day just turned into a really, really bad day.

Slightly relevant background, just writing it out for my own examination mostly: The story is, (as discussed in the perfectionist thread), I used to do all my work, do it as best as I could, and do it well, and get good results (grades, college, etc.) But I burned out, and going to a college with a totally different and wonderful educational philosophy didn't change this. Freshman fall I had pretty easy classes, I slacked off a little (was really late with one paper), and did almost as well as I could have. Freshman spring I was late with several other papers, did lots of things at the last minute, and not nearly as well as I could have. I told myself that the activist work I was doing (on Darfur) was what was bringing me down, because it was more work than an extra class. Now for someone with my history of performance and at a really good school (and I realize I am lucky to even be in this position at all), this sucked. I travelled for the summer, change of pace, and when I got back I vowed to do my work on time. Not 3 weeks into the semester I was the victim of an accident involving a drunk frat pledge that was very debilitating (head/neck injury, headaches, tired all the time) and got very behind on my work. Of course professors were understanding, but as 2 classes dragged incomplete into the spring and I didn't want to bring the spring semester down by doing 2 semesters work at once, I just ignored them. I ended up with grades last spring like my Freshman fall grades, never was late with anything but always very very very last minute and could have gotten better grades across the board. The other two classes dragged into the summer, and one I finished towards the end of the summer (again my mindset was, why let that asshole and that accident ruin my summer?) and got a B in the class when I should have had an A, the other is still incomplete on my record. This semester I'm abroad and classes aren't nearly as work intensive as I'm used to.

Now I was probably PTSD and depressed a little because of the accident last fall, and my already weird sleep cycle (basically I can never get to sleep) got worse, making me more tired, less quality work, etc.

The Wake Up Call: I applied for a very valuable, prestigious and useful connectionswise scholarship this month. Several people I know (the dean of my college, a friend who has it) think I would be perfect for it. I procrastinated terribly on the application, right up until the last minute, not enough time to have my friend on the scholarship edit it or anything. You have to be nominated by your school to be considered for it, and there's the application and an interview. My interviews usually kill, but I'm abroad and over the phone and they had connection troubles so it was late and shorter which flustered me. Short of it, I was rejected just now.

Usually, I procrastinate, it turns out OK. I get by. I get an a- instead of an a, or maybe a b+. The consequences of this won't really hit me until I apply to grad school some time in the foggy future, so this never got to me. But this scholarship would have been immensely helpful, useful, and probably partially for my procrastinated gpa, for my half-assed application, I lost an incredible, incredible chance.

If you're still reading, haha, here's where I'm asking for support and not just writing a diary. I've got it. I fucked up. I could have had this, should have had this, and I fucked up. Maybe someday I'll look back and say, getting rejected for that scholarship was the best thing that ever happened to me, because I woke up, got better grades, got this fellowship or that scholarship down the road, got into the best grad school, etc. Maybe. But how do I get there from here? Every time I get a grade I know could have been better, I just think I'll do better next time or next semester... and maybe it lasts a few weeks, to the first paper deadline. But then I slip back into my rut. How do I get out of my rut? I'm more awake than I've ever been, but I've never been able to follow through before.

In the meantime, I'm trying to remind myself
And you can dream
So dream out loud
And don't let the bastards grind you down

 

[martha]

But how do I get there from here?

You just have to decide to do it. Just DO IT. Next time you start cutting yourself too much slack STOP. And then do the work. No one else can change you. You're the only one who can change you. You have several advantages: knowing this about yourself already, being smart, and generally having your shit together. Use this now to change yourself into the person you want to be.

 

[Varitek]

Thanks martha. I know this, on many levels - I just never convert it to action. I guess I'm setting some goals: over winter break, complete applications for summer fellowships to get them out of the way and give myself time to perfect them. During the semester, do my stuff, do it well, and do it ahead of time.

 

[redhotswami]

Sometimes we need wakeup calls, especially us stubborn folk. I had a wild freshman year in college, and got myself kicked out. That was hard, having to live with my parents, everyday listening to them tell me how ashamed of me they were.

But, like Martha said, you just gotta DO it. I vowed to make changes. And I did! Now I'm actually in grad school, which is unheardof for people with my record. But someone believed in me and gave me a chance. More importantly, I gave myself a second chance.

Give yourself a timeline for getting things done...a reasonable one. Also, is it at all feasible for you to take a semester or two off? Or maybe take a semester at a nearby community college while working or something (you can transfer up to 18 credits usually)? The break might help you set your priorities.

 

[Varitek]

No, the semester abroad is my semester off. So we'll see how it goes when I get back. I'm definately taking time off before grad school, though. I've vowed to make changes before, but I think if I just remind myself of this, I can actually do it this time. Plus there's the added incentive - when it's just grades, you can't show anyone they were wrong. When its rejection from others, for someone as competitive as me, well, now I have the incentive to prove those bastards wrong about me.

 

[Liesje]

I agree about the goal-setting. I'm very much a perfectionist, so much so that if something comes along I don't think I can do perfectly, I won't even try. I've found that setting smaller, "stepping stone" goals helps me move along the way to a larger goal without obsessing over the main goal so much that it consumes me.

Like you I lost out on a scholarship that I really REALLY wanted. It wasn't enough to tell me that I didn't get it, but my prof decided to tell me they almost picked me and I was second choice. Well second choice is big fat zero dollars. I kicked myself for a long long time, but the next time I just kept on applying and I did get a named scholarship, not the big one, but I still got one. And I found out that the people who were giving the big one didn't like the school's pick, so no one got it my year.

Another thing that worked for me in college was giving myself rewards. For every 1-2 hours of school work I would watch one TV program. I tried scheduling, but that didn't work for me since if one thing went slightly off, the WHOLE schedule was as good as useless to me, being the perfectionist I am. I found that taking things a day at a time and rewarding myself with down-time worked better than trying to plan everything in advance and being even more frustrated when it would fall through.

Also, I cannot say this enough but SLEEP!!!!! I truly believe that my efforts to get enough sleep and have a good sleep schedule is the number one factor for how well I did in college and how I avoided major illness, stress, and even depression. You can cut back on time with friends in order to catch up on studying or finish a paper, but DON'T let it cut into your sleep.

 

[yolland]

More importantly, I gave myself a second chance.

There is a lot of wisdom in that. Like someone, VertigoGal I think, said in the procrastination thread, condemning yourself when perfectionism turns to burnout only further chokes you up and makes your workload seem like even more of a grind. It isn't about "proving" yourself, but about getting to where you truly want to be and understanding clearly what that is.

It sounds like you've already learned this the hard way (which is how I learned it, too), but taking out incompletes is usually a really bad idea. I'm always reluctant to grant them to students, and try to get them to take an extension instead, because more often than not the truth is they provide an escape hatch from pressures they can and should deal with now, rather than needed breathing room in a truly unmanageable situation, as they're intended to be. With you-know-what result.

If you can identify where the point you usually start faltering with (e.g.) writing papers is, sometimes you can work out strategies that will work for you based on that. I tend to spend way too much time in the research-and-"thinking-about-it" stages of writing, for example, so I usually force myself to step out of that and just start writing about a quarter of the way through my allotted timeframe, which in turn forces a direction onto it (something I find very hard to achieve otherwise). Then I go back about three-quarters of the way through and do any necessary added research to fill in the blanks. I also still do a lot of writing on pen and paper, despite the inconveniences, because that way I avoid the temptation of spacing out on websurfing when I can't afford it. I don't generally have problems making myself do readings (seeing as how I usually have to lecture about them tomorrow, haha) but when I do, I'll often print them out and go someplace devoid of distractions to read them.

Several of my students who've had burnout issues have benefitted from taking a light load for one semester--even if it means overloads or summer school further down the road--while working with a counselor (usually through the university) both on developing a set of time management techniques that work for them personally, and on working through the underlying issues that are causing them to falter. Everyone goes through rough patches here and there, and most students have a subpar semester due to poor work habits at some point, but a prolonged pattern of that is almost always a red flag that something deeper is wrong, and you shouldn't ignore that. Beyond that though, I think it's hard for me or anyone else to say off the top of our heads "Well here are some helpful strategies" because what brings everything together for one person isn't necessarily going to push the right buttons for another. Some students burn out because they don't have enough in their lives that brings them genuine enjoyment and that really catches up with you, some because they don't really believe in what they're pursuing and are only trying to convince themselves they do, some because they concluded as children that high academic performance was the only thing that made them worthy of respect and can't handle the transition to a learning environment where impressing the grownups is no longer the point; there are just so many possible reasons, and until you come to grips with what yours are, trying to break that cycle can be like running in sand. I especially think this can be helpful for students returning from studying abroad--even if it was just for a semester, you can pretty much count on finding yourself going through some disorienting psychological readjustments when you return; that much is almost universal, and it can further complicate any difficulties you're already having with gaining control of where you're headed.

Like martha said though, it's a very good thing that you already recognize the scope of the problem (or at least its consequences) and realize that it won't be as simple as resolving to do it all perfectly the next time around. Because believe me, grad school will only test your self-direction skills all the more, as it should and needs to.

 

[indra]

...working through the underlying issues that are causing them to falter. Everyone goes through rough patches here and there, and most students have a subpar semester due to poor work habits at some point, but a prolonged pattern of that is almost always a red flag that something deeper is wrong, and you shouldn't ignore that.

I have always tended to procrastinate in almost everything, but when I find I'm putting something off more than normal -- especially something I think I really want -- there is often a part of me screaming "no no no!"

It's possible the "there" you are now working toward isn't the best "there" for you. It might be a good time to re-evaluate your goals.

 

[BonosSaint]

Of course, sometimes when you procrastinate, the problem takes care of itself. (Not that I am recommending it as a course of action. )

 

[Varitek]

I agree about the goal-setting. I'm very much a perfectionist, so much so that if something comes along I don't think I can do perfectly, I won't even try. I've found that setting smaller, "stepping stone" goals helps me move along the way to a larger goal without obsessing over the main goal so much that it consumes me.

Like you I lost out on a scholarship that I really REALLY wanted. It wasn't enough to tell me that I didn't get it, but my prof decided to tell me they almost picked me and I was second choice. Well second choice is big fat zero dollars. I kicked myself for a long long time, but the next time I just kept on applying and I did get a named scholarship, not the big one, but I still got one. And I found out that the people who were giving the big one didn't like the school's pick, so no one got it my year.

Another thing that worked for me in college was giving myself rewards. For every 1-2 hours of school work I would watch one TV program. I tried scheduling, but that didn't work for me since if one thing went slightly off, the WHOLE schedule was as good as useless to me, being the perfectionist I am. I found that taking things a day at a time and rewarding myself with down-time worked better than trying to plan everything in advance and being even more frustrated when it would fall through.

Also, I cannot say this enough but SLEEP!!!!! I truly believe that my efforts to get enough sleep and have a good sleep schedule is the number one factor for how well I did in college and how I avoided major illness, stress, and even depression. You can cut back on time with friends in order to catch up on studying or finish a paper, but DON'T let it cut into your sleep.

Well, sleep. At my school we have a slogan, it's even on a Tshirt at the bookstsore: Sleep, Friends, Work: choose two. Sleep and I have always had a tenuous relationship. I tend not to fall asleep for hours, leading to giving up, leading to getting engaged in something (a book, movie, waste-of-time website) that just keeps me up more. I've tried various things - tea, excercise, deep breathing, reading something boring, and the only thing that works is if I'm dirt tired from not sleeping enough the previous few nights! And at school I tend to fall into a vicious cycle of napping when I haven't slept enough, which pushes my bedtime back further, which means I get less sleep, etc. My injury last fall certainly made things worse. I've always, always had a resistance to taking drugs, becoming dependent on something to put me to sleep. I'm not willing to unilaterally rule them out but it's something I'm really uncomfortable with. Because of last fall I know the head nurse (who's no slouch, she's got more education than half of our professors with a PhD and several other degrees) at the health center and I'm going to talk to her as soon as I get back to school in January about this. As a perfectionist, I've always been reluctant to admit I need help, and that was especially hard last fall, but I do realize the importance of sleep. Last fall I was kind of emotionally damaged, and for the first time instead of choosing work and friends I chose sleep and friends, of course getting further behind. I was literally bed ridden for a few weeks, but I do sometimes wonder if I dwelled on the accident too much as an excuse not to do work. But yeah, I am committed to sleeping when I get back to school.

Funny enough, the easiest way for me to get to sleep is with my boyfriend - much harder for my thoughts to wander and go crazy than when I'm alone. But two people wake eachother up quite a bit in those tiny college beds, so it's not a real solution, attractive as it is.

Yeah, I have thought about the smaller goals, and the rewards. I know how to do this, and it's not like I lack time management skills - I wouldn't be where I am (at a very good school) if I did. It's that I lack the motivation to follow through, even though intellectually whatever paper topic interests me (and most profs at my school give lots of leeway to choose something compelling). So while I might plan to reward myself with a TV show (I've seen advocates for the work 40, break 20 which could be adapted to work 80, break 40 for a show as I have lots of trouble working in small amounts of time to begin with), or with a check of Interference or the political blog I read, I end up doing the rewards first and never getting around to the work until the night before it's due (and there we come to lack of sleep again!).

So that begs the question, WHY do I lack the motivation when I used to be so driven? I guess I'll move on to Yolland's post for that...

(BTW, this scholarship has 4 nomination slots. I'm not sure who got them, might never know if they dont get the scholarship in the end, but a friend of mine who got it 2 years ago thinks the new scholarship advisor has shifted the focus to less important factors (including gpa) and we are about to see a downturn in our success rate. We had none for 5 years, got a new advisor and went 7/8 the last two years, and now there's a new one again. So it would make me very happy to see down the line in the spring that the nominating committee screwed up - but then, that's because I wouldn't have to feel like it's my fault, and I know on some levels it is. And I do plan to apply for another one (that I would have done anyway, but now I'm more determined). It's just that, like you, this one was the best, the perfect fit for what I want to do, and tons of $$.)

 

[Varitek]

There is a lot of wisdom in that. Like someone, VertigoGal I think, said in the procrastination thread, condemning yourself when perfectionism turns to burnout only further chokes you up and makes your workload seem like even more of a grind. It isn't about "proving" yourself, but about getting to where you truly want to be and understanding clearly what that is.

It sounds like you've already learned this the hard way (which is how I learned it, too), but taking out incompletes is usually a really bad idea. I'm always reluctant to grant them to students, and try to get them to take an extension instead, because more often than not the truth is they provide an escape hatch from pressures they can and should deal with now, rather than needed breathing room in a truly unmanageable situation, as they're intended to be. With you-know-what result.

If you can identify where the point you usually start faltering with (e.g.) writing papers is, sometimes you can work out strategies that will work for you based on that. I tend to spend way too much time in the research-and-"thinking-about-it" stages of writing, for example, so I usually force myself to step out of that and just start writing about a quarter of the way through my allotted timeframe, which in turn forces a direction onto it (something I find very hard to achieve otherwise). Then I go back about three-quarters of the way through and do any necessary added research to fill in the blanks. I also still do a lot of writing on pen and paper, despite the inconveniences, because that way I avoid the temptation of spacing out on websurfing when I can't afford it. I don't generally have problems making myself do readings (seeing as how I usually have to lecture about them tomorrow, haha) but when I do, I'll often print them out and go someplace devoid of distractions to read them.

Several of my students who've had burnout issues have benefitted from taking a light load for one semester--even if it means overloads or summer school further down the road--while working with a counselor (usually through the university) both on developing a set of time management techniques that work for them personally, and on working through the underlying issues that are causing them to falter. Everyone goes through rough patches here and there, and most students have a subpar semester due to poor work habits at some point, but a prolonged pattern of that is almost always a red flag that something deeper is wrong, and you shouldn't ignore that. Beyond that though, I think it's hard for me or anyone else to say off the top of our heads "Well here are some helpful strategies" because what brings everything together for one person isn't necessarily going to push the right buttons for another. Some students burn out because they don't have enough in their lives that brings them genuine enjoyment and that really catches up with you, some because they don't really believe in what they're pursuing and are only trying to convince themselves they do, some because they concluded as children that high academic performance was the only thing that made them worthy of respect and can't handle the transition to a learning environment where impressing the grownups is no longer the point; there are just so many possible reasons, and until you come to grips with what yours are, trying to break that cycle can be like running in sand. I especially think this can be helpful for students returning from studying abroad--even if it was just for a semester, you can pretty much count on finding yourself going through some disorienting psychological readjustments when you return; that much is almost universal, and it can further complicate any difficulties you're already having with gaining control of where you're headed.

Like martha said though, it's a very good thing that you already recognize the scope of the problem (or at least its consequences) and realize that it won't be as simple as resolving to do it all perfectly the next time around. Because believe me, grad school will only test your self-direction skills all the more, as it should and needs to.

Here's the thing. I know where I want to be. I even know I want to take a year+ off before grad school, because I know I won't be ready and that I'll get more out of it if I've got real life experiences to draw on. By the end of high school I was sick of the game of "proving" myself with grades, superficial work. My college is just the opposite - yet I couldn't shake my burnout. As I said above, I'm interested in the work, really am, really enjoy it when I finally get down to it (and wish I'd had more time to make it better, always!). There's something lost in the conversion and the problem is figuring out where.

So where's the broken piece(s)? I know I can make a plan for doing work, and then end up fucking around on the internet. The problem is, the way I write is on a word processor, not linearly on paper, and research usually involves lots of internet, so cutting myself off, as much as it would help, isn't an option for the research stage, not until it comes down to writing the thing. And I've pulled the plug for writing, which works (and which is why, much as I'd love it, I hope they don't complete the wireless dorm project before I graduate!) I've used this technique for reading - going to the library, or an isolated part of a building, but my campus is rather small and has shorter hours than I'd like for many of these spaces.

I know why I initially burned out - my high school was a pressure cooker of the worst kind, one where creativity was supressed (also among teachers) and there's lots fo busy work. And I excelled, not because I enjoy that kind of thing but because I knew I wanted to get somewhere better and because I am smart. I left high school a year early because it was really killing me, and if I hadn't gotten into college early I might have begged my parents to send me to boarding school or something, anywhere for a year, much as I would have missed my friends. I was ready, on an intellectual level, for the philosophy of college, for challenging (in a real, non-busy-work way) courses. But I do trace the death of my motivation, my drive, back to high school. So the question is, how to get it back? This has basically been a semester off, lots of travelling and easy courses and such, so perhaps when I get back, combined with the slap in the face I just got, I'll be ready. Or maybe I should say, I will force myself to be ready. Still I don't feel like snapping my fingers will get me back that drive I had for 16 or so years of my life. And I'm driven towards the future - I have goals, I know what I need to do to achieve them. Something's lost in the middle, like (a y example) I'm trying to run but my muscles have run out of glycogen and I need to find a way to replenish it: the mechanics are all there, but I'm missing a key part of the fuel.

And by the way, thanks you guys for all this support.

 

[martha]

I want to point something out that may or may not be relevant: You're young, quite young, and I wonder if all this pressure and drive is too much for you just at this moment. Maybe your problem really is deeper than you think it is. Maybe you need time to yourself to really think things through. I've never understood why we make kids decide what they want to be the rest of thier lives when they've barely started their lives. Few people I know my own age have jobs that have anything to do with what they studied in college.

I may be wrong, but give it some thought.

 

[Varitek]

Thats part of the point of taking time off before grad school. I know the direction I'm going in but not exactly what's at the finish, and that's ok with me at this stage. But no matter what, I want to allow myself the opportunity to go to a top grad school, and I am capable of it, and this is really dragging that down.

 

[starsgoblue]

What distinction does grad school vs. "top grad school" have for you? Is State University not even a plausible option if you can't go to Ivy League?

 

[Varitek]

Depends - if I were to do a PhD, whihc is less likely but not ruling it out if it involved a lot of field research, I'd go where the right advisor and program was - that very well might be state. If it's a masters, there's a few non-Ivy programs I'd consider (and by that I mean I know I like a few specific programs best and they are Ivy programs). I realize this sounds pretty, well, assinine, I'm complaining about maybe not going to Ivy grad school, but I'm capable of it. I have this problem: I know I'm not performing at the level I can perform at. I'm not doing so badly as to attract outside help, but either way it's bothering me, and if I don't stop it I'll regret it later on.