To Have or Not Have

[FitzChivalry]

I know ultimately this is my decision, but I just wanted some feedback from people who have more experience and wisdom than I.

I am a 32 year-old, single, gay male attorney. I have a good friend from law school who is a 36 year-old, single, straight female attorney.

She's been jokingly hinting for the past year or so that her family really wants me to be her "baby Daddy". She really wants kids and her "scary age" is coming up this year, i.e., 37.

Neither of us has had a serious relationship in many years, and last night, over some drinks with a good friend of ours, for the first time she out-and-out suggested that we should have a baby together - artificial insemination of course!

I really like kids. I was there from Day 1 with my best friend's pregnancy, and I was there the entire day my Sunshine was born, and I've been there for the entire 3 1/2 years he's been in this world. He is my nephew and I am his Uncle, and everyone knows and acknowledges that.

I had already been mulling over maybe having a child with my law school friend for a few months before last night.

There are so many questions and no right answers.
--Will this situation be good for the child? A single, gay dad and a single straight mom, who are friends but don't live together.

--Will this situation be good for our friendship?

--Though my law school friend is a good friend, she's not my best friend, and having a child with her will link us together for the rest of our lives. Are we ready for that?

--She is Jewish, I am agnostic. I know she wants to raise her children with Judaism. I know next to nothing about Judaism. How do I feel about that?

--What if one of us meets the man of our dreams and then wants to move away to another jurisdiction?

--Am I settling too soon and perhaps still have the chance to meet the man of my dreams and somehow have/raise children with him?

--Am I ready for my ENTIRE life to change?

--Who would raise our child on a day-to-day basis. With each of us being a full-time attorney, would I really want my child raised by a babysitter or a day-care center?

So many questions, and I know only I can answer them. But you guys have always been supportive and give good insight, so I welcome your truthful opinions on the subject.

 

[annie_vox]

wow... that's VERY complicated... I mean, it's a child we're talking about. And yes, your life will change forever... And your friend's life too. You guys have to talk about it without the drinks I don't know if I would do it... It's a great responsability... but then I'm just 20 so I don't really understand the situation... If you both really want it and if you're really sure, then go forward.
But this is a huge step that will link you both forever... and when you both find someone you love, will it be good for the child to see his/her "parents" with other people? It's just so difficult...
But whatever you decide I'm sure it will be for the best

 

[HeartlandGirl]

Definitely the two of you should discuss this at length, probably several times. And I would take your time in making the decision, with both of you thinking about it seriously for a while, maybe talking to family members and getting feedback. Over time, I think your hearts will start to lead you in the direction you really want to go, once you've seriously considered your options. Maybe there are even counselors out there who deal with this kind of situation, and they could help you decide. Sometimes they know of issues that you just can't foresee until they happen.

Whatever you decide, good luck to both of you.

 

[FitzChivalry]

And I would take your time in making the decision, with both of you thinking about it seriously for a while . . . .

DEFINITELY! I do not take a monumental decision like this lightly. I would not want to make life any harder than it can be for an innocent baby. I would never even do it if I thought it would be unfair, or put undue hardship on my potential child.

I don't want to be selfish, though I don't know if choosing to have a child is ever a selfless act.

But I definitley wouldn't want my child to start life with the chips stacked against him/her.

 

[martha]

A few questions that come to mind right away:


Are you ready to raise this child completely on your own? (It could happen.)

Are you ready for 18 years minimum of legal/financial responsibility no matter where you live?

Are you ready to watch her mother/stepfather make decisions you don't agree with?

Are you ready for a child to complicate/preclude a relationship with a man who doesn't want his life complicated by a stepchild?

Are you ready for your vacations to be completely taken over with child-centered activities?




I see so many parents who really didn't think parenthood all the way through to the end.

 

[FitzChivalry]

Are you ready for your vacations to be completely taken over with child-centered activities?

Am I ready for MY LIFE to be taken over with child-centered activities!!!!

I don't know. This is all in the very early stages of discussion, and I have a lot to think about.

Like I said, my main priority would be the well-being of the child and if not having it would be in the potential child's best interest, then that's what I will do.

 

[JessicaAnn]

I think it might be helpful to speak with a professional (a family therapist? a fertility specialist) who is well versed in these types of situations. They may be able to help you and your friend answer these questions and other questions/issues you may not have thought of.

 

[redkat]

I think it might be helpful to speak with a professional (a family therapist? a fertility specialist) who is well versed in these types of situations. They may be able to help you and your friend answer these questions and other questions/issues you may not have thought of.

I'd also suggest a family law attorney. Custody issues are complicated. If everything else were perfect i.e you're both ready to be parents etc. then you should probably have a very specific custody agreement in place. Remember both parents can't have equal custody there has to be a primary, and that primary caregiver has more rights including the right to move away.

 

[Irvine511]

i've dealt with a very similar issue.

PM me if you want.

i've got lots to say, but will do so later this evening.

 

[dazzlingamy]

I echo martha's comments above, but also think, would you be ok with not being his main caregiver? To know your biological son is out there, being raised by a woman, and her possible partner and you not having much of say in how the child's raised?

I think you'd be a great dad, you obviously have a lot of love for you nephew, so maybe for you, it could be better if you have a child on your terms?

 

[Irvine511]

i think the most important thing here is to define what you want your role to be, and what she wants your role to be. and then what happens if/when she gets a male partner, and then what happens if/when you get a partner. what then? would you want children with him?

my situation is slightly different. this would be a child born to a couple, and the'd be the primary caregivers. i'd have no financial or legal responsibilites beyond what i would define for myself. i'd really just donate the DNA, and they'd take it from there.

if you didn't want a child, or didn't want to be actively involved with a child, then this would be easier. you'd just pass along the semen, and be a really cool uncle who sent fabulous presents and maybe went to some little league games. but since it seems like you're looking for parenthood, and the questions you're asking (i.e., religion) are indicative of being a full-time father, my guess is you're going to run into some issues if/when things get complicated.