Tips for a long distance relationship

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cjboog

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I would love to hear some advice from anyone who has been through a long distance relationship. I am going through it right now, and it's the hardest thing I've ever done.

That's the bottom line, but if you want to read on so you know the details of my story, here goes:

My girlfriend and I have been together for nearly 5 years. Actually -- when I first started liking her, I asked people on this forum for some ideas on how to ask her to our first dance! It worked! We started dating senior year of high school and have spent the last 4 years together at the same university.

We are starting a long distance relationship right now which means we will be apart for about 1.5 years. She had an opportunity to move to another state to do 1.5 years of national service teaching low income students while I continue to work on my education. We both decided this was the right thing to do and a once in a lifetime opportunity. At the time I avoided thinking about how hard it would be. I thought, "we are strong enough, it'll be hard, but we can make it. Then we'll be together again." Some may think putting ourselves through this is crazy, but keep in mind that we are both young (22 and 23) and each still have about 4 years of higher education to go because we are very motivated in our professional lives (law school for me and medical school for her).

To give you a little more perspective, I have basically spent every day of the past 5 years with this girl. We have been best friends and spent nearly all our free time together. We stayed at each other's houses almost every night, living essentially like a married couple. We often speak about the future as though we will be together. I am deeply in love with her and am feeling depressed - it is an enormous void in my life. I truly believe that she may be "the one." I often imagine getting married to her.

She seems to not be struggling as much as me because she is so busy with her job and she has made a lot of new friends in her new city. I am currently not working and am a student - which means I have a lot of "free time" to do school work. I am having trouble getting motivated to do things. I am a bit withdrawn when I'm hanging out with other people because I miss her. I will sometimes cry when I'm alone because I miss her so much.

We have both saved up some money for visiting each other and have so far been able to visit about every 3 weeks, which is great. She doesn't like Skype, because she feels as though seeing me and not being able to touch me is just a reminder of how far apart we are. Last time I visited her, she said, "When you're away I feel so distant from you. But it's so much better when you're here." I just get so worried about "drifting" apart not being in each other's lives every day. I asked her recently if she still feels committed to me and and she said, "Yes. And I still love you very much." She said she's just decided not to let our situation freak her out and just try to focus on her job and when she'll see me next.

I am also having trust issues. I do trust her and want her to make new friends, but I don't necessarily trust other people. One of the new friends she has made who she enjoys hanging out with is a guy who I think may have feelings for her, and it is absolutely maddening being a thousand miles away when you have a suspicion like this. Again, I do trust her. But the prospect of someone else trying to win over the person you love when you are far away and not respecting your relationship ... it just hurts that it's even a possibility. I am ashamed to admit it, but my suspicion led me to read a few of the texts he sent her. I found that this person is texting her a lot asking her to hang out and saying things like, "Call me if you want to talk about school or just about anything. Please." I half-jokingly asked if this person had a crush on her and she once responded with, "I don't think so" and later with "I don't know." Instead of addressing the issue, I made a joke about needing to get in a fist fight with this guy. Again it's tough because I do trust her. She does enjoy hanging out with him (always in a group) but you can see why I would be uncomfortable. I think perhaps the solution here is just for us to be completely honest with each other about our relationships with others. I don't have to be uncomfortable... as long as she's honest with me about his behavior around her. Please let me know if you have experience approaching conversations like this, especially in the context of long distance.

I don't know anyone who has been in a long distance relationship like this and I've read online that long distance relationships only last if there is good communication and clear expectations. She is coming to visit me next weekend and I want to have a talk with her about all of this. It's tough because I want our time with each other to be fun and natural, but I will simply go crazy if I don't talk to her about this and I can't do it over the phone. Although we've talked about our situation, I don't feel that we've talked clearly enough about our long term plans and wants. There is a lot of uncertainty about how we will be together after her teaching job is over. She'll be going to medical school. I'll be in my second year of law school. At this point I feel like I'll transfer law schools to be in the same city as her if I have to. At some point, we will have to choose that being together is worth a sacrifice in one of both of our professional lives. I am almost certain that we are on the same page, but I need to make certain she has the same level of commitment as I do. Typically she has been the one to talk about commitment and call me her "partner" rather than boyfriend. She even called me her "fiancé" in her teaching application in an attempt to get placed in the same city as me. Now I'm the one who wants to talk about these issues.

Anyway. That's about it. I'm hurting a lot right now, and still have a long ways to go before this is over. We've been apart for about 8 months in our relationship (including the past 5) and have about 16 more months to go. Part of the therapy here is just having a place to write this all down and make sense of it - but any positive thoughts or suggestions would be so much appreciated.
 
My experience isn't exactly like yours because I don't know how much being able to spend time with my now husband in person would have effected how hard the LDR part was.

Anyways, I met my husband on this site, actually, in 2008. It was a rough part of my life, and I ended up getting a lot closer to quite a few people on the board to sort of balance everything out. My husband was one of those people.

By December of 2008, we were close friends, and by March of 2009 we were in a "relationship". However, having never met IRL, it was kind of confussing to put our relationship into a real context, if you understand what I mean. I will say though, by about May, we were both quite certain that this was a relationship we were committed to, in all likelihood for the rest of our lives.

When I finally met Travis in May, it was a rough start, but by the end of the week I was happier than I'd ever been in my life. That was bittersweet, however, as I then had to go back home and enter a phase of my life where I knew what being with him every day was like, without being able to see or touch him.

We soon began using video chat on a daily basis, though part of me feels like that made it a lot harder. Somewhere by the time I entered my next year of school we even started just leaving the video calls on when we fell asleep, because it just started to get that bad for me not being able to be near him.

Anyways, by May of 2010, he decided to uproot pretty much everything and come move in with me and transfered colleges, while I moved back home, recently graduated myself. At this point, actually, we were already engaged, and by February of this year we got married, and are very happy now.

I'm telling you all of this to try to get the point across: If the relationship is important to you, and you love her, and she loves you and you're both willing to work for it, then you will find ways to make this work. It will hurt, it's pretty much impossible to avoid that, and even if she's telling you she's not quite feeling the same things you are, it may be her trying to block it out for herself in her own way, so I wouldn't push her too hard on that subject.

The jealousy thing, I didn't have too many issues with, but I know that I felt guilty almost any time I hung out with my guy friends, or talked about them to Travis. I know there was at least one time where he told me he was jealous of one of my friends. Not because he was scared that he might take me away or something, but just because he couldn't be there in person hanging out with me as much as Chad (my friend) was.

Seriously, if there's anything you want to talk about, feel free to say so here, or by PM. I really do know how you feel to at least some extent, and I definitely don't want you to feel like you don't have anyone to talk with.
 
My experience isn't exactly like yours because I don't know how much being able to spend time with my now husband in person would have effected how hard the LDR part was.

Anyways, I met my husband on this site, actually, in 2008. It was a rough part of my life, and I ended up getting a lot closer to quite a few people on the board to sort of balance everything out. My husband was one of those people.

By December of 2008, we were close friends, and by March of 2009 we were in a "relationship". However, having never met IRL, it was kind of confussing to put our relationship into a real context, if you understand what I mean. I will say though, by about May, we were both quite certain that this was a relationship we were committed to, in all likelihood for the rest of our lives.

When I finally met Travis in May, it was a rough start, but by the end of the week I was happier than I'd ever been in my life. That was bittersweet, however, as I then had to go back home and enter a phase of my life where I knew what being with him every day was like, without being able to see or touch him.

We soon began using video chat on a daily basis, though part of me feels like that made it a lot harder. Somewhere by the time I entered my next year of school we even started just leaving the video calls on when we fell asleep, because it just started to get that bad for me not being able to be near him.

Anyways, by May of 2010, he decided to uproot pretty much everything and come move in with me and transfered colleges, while I moved back home, recently graduated myself. At this point, actually, we were already engaged, and by February of this year we got married, and are very happy now.

I'm telling you all of this to try to get the point across: If the relationship is important to you, and you love her, and she loves you and you're both willing to work for it, then you will find ways to make this work. It will hurt, it's pretty much impossible to avoid that, and even if she's telling you she's not quite feeling the same things you are, it may be her trying to block it out for herself in her own way, so I wouldn't push her too hard on that subject.

The jealousy thing, I didn't have too many issues with, but I know that I felt guilty almost any time I hung out with my guy friends, or talked about them to Travis. I know there was at least one time where he told me he was jealous of one of my friends. Not because he was scared that he might take me away or something, but just because he couldn't be there in person hanging out with me as much as Chad (my friend) was.

Seriously, if there's anything you want to talk about, feel free to say so here, or by PM. I really do know how you feel to at least some extent, and I definitely don't want you to feel like you don't have anyone to talk with.

Thanks for the kind words and for sharing your story, Bono_212. I appreciate hearing about a story like yours where things worked out after being apart for a long time.

Did you get engaged before he decided to uproot and move in with you? Was there uncertainty about when you would be able to live together?

I am also curious - when Travis told you he was jealous of your friend, how did you feel? Did you feel "accused" or glad that he had told you about it? Obviously every situation is different but I'm curious how you felt about his jealousy.

Also - is there anything else you guys did to feel closer despite the distance? Like write letters, etc?

Thanks again
 
^:ohmy:

I totally disagree. If you love each other enough, you will make it work.

I was in a long distance relationship once upon a time. It was difficult indeed, but we just made the most of the time we did get to spend together. Phone calls, letters, and emails do help for you to feel connected. Good luck!
 
Thanks for the kind words and for sharing your story, Bono_212. I appreciate hearing about a story like yours where things worked out after being apart for a long time.

Did you get engaged before he decided to uproot and move in with you? Was there uncertainty about when you would be able to live together?

I am also curious - when Travis told you he was jealous of your friend, how did you feel? Did you feel "accused" or glad that he had told you about it? Obviously every situation is different but I'm curious how you felt about his jealousy.

Also - is there anything else you guys did to feel closer despite the distance? Like write letters, etc?

Thanks again

I can't remember now, I think there was a long period where we were "engaged" without actually going through the whole thing, but by the time we were officially engaged, I believe we had pretty much planned out the whole moving in together thing.

I felt really guilty and shitty about it, not angry at Travis, just upset the situation in general, that just hanging out with another person would make him jealous and make me feel bad, that may have been one of the worst parts of it. I knew he wasn't jealous in a "is he going to take my girlfriend" way, and that made it easier to deal with, but it was definitely a negative.

We did write letters very occasionally, but receiving them was one of the best parts of that period. I still have the letters he sent and get pretty emotional reading them now. He or I would also occasionally write each other long PMs on here, which would pretty much be the equivalent of an e-mail, because you never knew when it would show up. Different, obviously from IM'ing and it was nice to see the PM notification pop up :).

And definitely not a problem :)
 
another ldr over here. i'm from america, fiancé's from new zealand.

it was tough, very tough. given the greater distance and being in different countries, it eliminated being able to talk on the phone all the time or possibly visiting each other for a weekend, stuff like that. thankfully with webcams and stuff the phone thing wasn't as bad as it would've been a decade ago so we could still talk every night. and we did. i found it easier being able to see and hear him every day, even if it was just on my computer.

also, while i would never begin to say it's ever easy being apart from the one you love, i did find being apart got a little easier after a while. basically, the part where one of us left was like a wound opening, it really hurt. but after a while the wound would heal a little. one thing i've found from having spent so much time apart from him is it made me so much more appreciative of the time we would have together. we have disagreements, sure, but i found i just didn't let little things get to me as much. plus, there is of course a great deal of trust that needs to be there to be apart. it helped make our relationship stronger.

good luck. :)
 
another ldr over here. i'm from america, fiancé's from new zealand.

it was tough, very tough. given the greater distance and being in different countries, it eliminated being able to talk on the phone all the time or possibly visiting each other for a weekend, stuff like that. thankfully with webcams and stuff the phone thing wasn't as bad as it would've been a decade ago so we could still talk every night. and we did. i found it easier being able to see and hear him every day, even if it was just on my computer.

also, while i would never begin to say it's ever easy being apart from the one you love, i did find being apart got a little easier after a while. basically, the part where one of us left was like a wound opening, it really hurt. but after a while the wound would heal a little. one thing i've found from having spent so much time apart from him is it made me so much more appreciative of the time we would have together. we have disagreements, sure, but i found i just didn't let little things get to me as much. plus, there is of course a great deal of trust that needs to be there to be apart. it helped make our relationship stronger.

good luck. :)

Thanks so much :)
 
Hey, I'm bono_212's husband and while I don't have much to add to what she's already written, I want to co-sign it all, as well as this gem from Khan:

one thing i've found from having spent so much time apart from him is it made me so much more appreciative of the time we would have together.

You really don't forget. I still have family out in Maryland that I miss very much, but every time I think about going out there I remember what I am leaving behind and what it was like to be away from her and it makes me very grateful for my life as it stands. Long distance relationships give you a new appreciation for your partner and, if they are apart from you for a few days on a trip or whatever, you know you've made it through all that before. LDRs are definitely a "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" situation in my experience.

Also, yes, letters annihilate IM, email, etc. They feel so much more heartfelt and personal to me.
 
Getting married at a young age is not the wisest choice in the long run, any perception of love or urge to be together with someone between ages 15-23 shouldn't be trusted.
 
Are you gunning for the title of Interference Misanthrope this week, or what? Jeez.

Just comin' in to like this. :wink:


I'm afraid I've never had a LDR myself. But I sure as hell wouldn't burn it down just like that. What's life without taking risks? And besides, I don't know you, nor your situation. So who am I to judge what works for you?
 
What the hell are you going on about here?

Well Dfit seems quite judgmental on things here, and I think that it's wrong to make decisions on someone else's life. Someone whom you don't know. To flat out say to give up now because it doesn't work anyway? Wtf. :huh: How on earth is that helpful to the OP?
 
dfit's trolling all over the board over the last couple days, looking forward to a banning.
 
Galeongirl said:
Well Dfit seems quite judgmental on things here, and I think that it's wrong to make decisions on someone else's life. Someone whom you don't know. To flat out say to give up now because it doesn't work anyway? Wtf. :huh: How on earth is that helpful to the OP?

Twas kidding, GG2. I'm totally with you on this one.
 
What you said in your original post is pretty much it, I think: Clear communication and expectations. I think, ultimately, the only way it will work longterm is if there's a solid date or plan to move closer and build a life together. Communication is very important, yes. If you get that right, you can build a very solid foundation, because in a ldr, the majority of your relationship is based on just that.

Of course, any problems you have are magnified many times over. In my lrd, my boyfriend ultimately turned out to be completely unfaithful. It's reeeeally easy to hide things like that when you're apart. Of course, if you choose to stay and work it out, it festers and erodes your relationship, moreso than if you were together. It can be very precarious.

Not for the faint of heart, I'd say. I do think it can be done though, in the right circumstances.
 
I once used "I can't do a long-distance relationship" as an excuse to not give a guy my phone number. He was a redneck from Iowa selling funnel cakes at a fair I went to. Something about his bad teeth and beer belly just wasn't working for me.
 
Hey, I'm bono_212's husband and while I don't have much to add to what she's already written, I want to co-sign it all, as well as this gem from Khan:



You really don't forget. I still have family out in Maryland that I miss very much, but every time I think about going out there I remember what I am leaving behind and what it was like to be away from her and it makes me very grateful for my life as it stands. Long distance relationships give you a new appreciation for your partner and, if they are apart from you for a few days on a trip or whatever, you know you've made it through all that before. LDRs are definitely a "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" situation in my experience.

Also, yes, letters annihilate IM, email, etc. They feel so much more heartfelt and personal to me.

I appreciate your thoughtful, positive comments. It definitely helps hearing from people like you guys who have been through this and made it out on the other side. So far I have definitely picked up on being appreciative of the time spent together. I anticipate visiting (or her visiting me) so much and when I see her again it is a feeling of pure happiness.

The problem I've having is being so sad and depressed when we are apart. And I think a lot of it stems from the uncertainty of our long term plans and not having really fully and thoroughly discussed it and like kafrun said, I feel as though I need a drop dead date we can shoot for. Something like: Our plan is to make it through the next 1.5 years and after that, we'll figure out our school situation so we can be together.

Also -- I am loving the letter idea! Texting and emails are so often just about "typical" things like "how was your day?" but you can put a lot of thought into a letter... :hmm:
 
Write a letter, definitely the best thing.

You might also want to consider a hobby, something to occupy your time. I started working out to take my mind off of things, and not only did it make me feel better by giving me something to do with my time, but also made me feel better about myself.
 
A little update from the original post:

I wrote a letter and read it to my girlfriend in person when she visited. It went over very well. We are going to start writing letters back and forth as a way to feel better connected.

I also had a long talk with her about all the concerns I mentioned in the original post. I DEFINITELY feel better having talked about everything fully. We talked about long term commitment, daily communication, trust issues with other people, honesty, and trying to be happy despite being temporarily apart. We were on the same page about pretty much everything, and are compromising in the areas we are not.

If you are in a long distance relationship I definitely recommend taking the time to go through all of your wants and expectations with your partner and let them know if you are struggling with things. I can tell you I feel much better. Because she has been such a major part of my life for so long, it's going to be hard to work on feeling happy and fulfilled when she's not around. BUT - If you are freaked out by worries that you haven't fully talked about - it will drive you crazy until you do!

Also I would say don't leave anything left unsaid. I was fairly certain that my girlfriend and I were on the same page about commitment, etc. but I felt so much better laying it all out there and hearing her lay it out as well. This is what is working best for my situation anyways - when we have been together for a long time and plan to make it through a set amount of time spent apart.

Thanks again for all of the helpful advice! I hope if anyone else is going through this, the comments and stories here will help.
 
I would love to hear some advice from anyone who has been through a long distance relationship. I am going through it right now, and it's the hardest thing I've ever done.

That's the bottom line, but if you want to read on so you know the details of my story, here goes:

My girlfriend and I have been together for nearly 5 years. Actually -- when I first started liking her, I asked people on this forum for some ideas on how to ask her to our first dance! It worked! We started dating senior year of high school and have spent the last 4 years together at the same university.

We are starting a long distance relationship right now which means we will be apart for about 1.5 years. She had an opportunity to move to another state to do 1.5 years of national service teaching low income students while I continue to work on my education. We both decided this was the right thing to do and a once in a lifetime opportunity. At the time I avoided thinking about how hard it would be. I thought, "we are strong enough, it'll be hard, but we can make it. Then we'll be together again." Some may think putting ourselves through this is crazy, but keep in mind that we are both young (22 and 23) and each still have about 4 years of higher education to go because we are very motivated in our professional lives (law school for me and medical school for her).

To give you a little more perspective, I have basically spent every day of the past 5 years with this girl. We have been best friends and spent nearly all our free time together. We stayed at each other's houses almost every night, living essentially like a married couple. We often speak about the future as though we will be together. I am deeply in love with her and am feeling depressed - it is an enormous void in my life. I truly believe that she may be "the one." I often imagine getting married to her.

She seems to not be struggling as much as me because she is so busy with her job and she has made a lot of new friends in her new city. I am currently not working and am a student - which means I have a lot of "free time" to do school work. I am having trouble getting motivated to do things. I am a bit withdrawn when I'm hanging out with other people because I miss her. I will sometimes cry when I'm alone because I miss her so much.

We have both saved up some money for visiting each other and have so far been able to visit about every 3 weeks, which is great. She doesn't like Skype, because she feels as though seeing me and not being able to touch me is just a reminder of how far apart we are. Last time I visited her, she said, "When you're away I feel so distant from you. But it's so much better when you're here." I just get so worried about "drifting" apart not being in each other's lives every day. I asked her recently if she still feels committed to me and and she said, "Yes. And I still love you very much." She said she's just decided not to let our situation freak her out and just try to focus on her job and when she'll see me next.

I am also having trust issues. I do trust her and want her to make new friends, but I don't necessarily trust other people. One of the new friends she has made who she enjoys hanging out with is a guy who I think may have feelings for her, and it is absolutely maddening being a thousand miles away when you have a suspicion like this. Again, I do trust her. But the prospect of someone else trying to win over the person you love when you are far away and not respecting your relationship ... it just hurts that it's even a possibility. I am ashamed to admit it, but my suspicion led me to read a few of the texts he sent her. I found that this person is texting her a lot asking her to hang out and saying things like, "Call me if you want to talk about school or just about anything. Please." I half-jokingly asked if this person had a crush on her and she once responded with, "I don't think so" and later with "I don't know." Instead of addressing the issue, I made a joke about needing to get in a fist fight with this guy. Again it's tough because I do trust her. She does enjoy hanging out with him (always in a group) but you can see why I would be uncomfortable. I think perhaps the solution here is just for us to be completely honest with each other about our relationships with others. I don't have to be uncomfortable... as long as she's honest with me about his behavior around her. Please let me know if you have experience approaching conversations like this, especially in the context of long distance.

I don't know anyone who has been in a long distance relationship like this and I've read online that long distance relationships only last if there is good communication and clear expectations. She is coming to visit me next weekend and I want to have a talk with her about all of this. It's tough because I want our time with each other to be fun and natural, but I will simply go crazy if I don't talk to her about this and I can't do it over the phone. Although we've talked about our situation, I don't feel that we've talked clearly enough about our long term plans and wants. There is a lot of uncertainty about how we will be together after her teaching job is over. She'll be going to medical school. I'll be in my second year of law school. At this point I feel like I'll transfer law schools to be in the same city as her if I have to. At some point, we will have to choose that being together is worth a sacrifice in one of both of our professional lives. I am almost certain that we are on the same page, but I need to make certain she has the same level of commitment as I do. Typically she has been the one to talk about commitment and call me her "partner" rather than boyfriend. She even called me her "fiancé" in her teaching application in an attempt to get placed in the same city as me. Now I'm the one who wants to talk about these issues.

Anyway. That's about it. I'm hurting a lot right now, and still have a long ways to go before this is over. We've been apart for about 8 months in our relationship (including the past 5) and have about 16 more months to go. Part of the therapy here is just having a place to write this all down and make sense of it - but any positive thoughts or suggestions would be so much appreciated.

They almost never work...People grow apart, someone else slips into your place, people get sick of being alone at night and want that connection again.

Take a break from school and go out there with her until she's finished...
 
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