This REALLY Irks Me

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

And it seems to be happening more frequently.

Why is it that married people (in my experience, it's mostly the wife) have no qualms about going to lunch with, flirting, getting calls from, etc. people of the opposite sex without their signifigant other's knowledge? And do the people who are calling, flirting, going to lunch with these married people care that they're married?


It pisses me off, since there are so many good single people out there, and here are these marrieds hording in on what's left out there for us. I guess, even above all of that is, where are these people's thoughts? Are they bored?

 

[adamswildhoney]

that irks me too

 

[zonelistener]

so, let me get this straight...because these people are married, they should not be getting calls, flirting and going to lunch? So, once you are married, you are no longer allowed to get calls, innocently flirt, and go to lunch with people becuae there are single people out there to flirt, call and go to lunch with?

I am a bit confused by this whole thing.

 

[joyfulgirl]

yeah, I'm kinda confused, too


But maybe this is why I don't want to get married -- I don't like the rules.

 

[EPandAmerica]

Married men are the same way. Married men are always flirting and asking me to lunch, while single guys never look my way.

Oh and I have to be polite when I decline these offers because they are customers . When I really want to .

 

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

so, let me get this straight...because these people are married, they should not be getting calls, flirting and going to lunch? So, once you are married, you are no longer allowed to get calls, innocently flirt, and go to lunch with people becuae there are single people out there to flirt, call and go to lunch with?

I am a bit confused by this whole thing.

Well, the thing that irks me is the people I know are doing just more than friendly flirting.


I never said if you're married you couldn't flirt, etc. It's not like you're dead, but this is usually how affairs happen. But, then again I've never been married so maybe I have no business getting pissed off or irked.

 

[Lilly]

so, let me get this straight...because these people are married, they should not be ... flirting

like hell married people should flirt. and this isn't cos i think they're taking up people that are single blah blah blah.


people who are married shouldn't flirt. end of conversation.

they're married and committed solely to one other person. it's disrespectful to their spouse to be flirting like that.



i need to leave this thread now...

 

[Sicy]

they're married and committed solely to one other person. it's disrespectful to their spouse to be flirting like that.

Ya, I agree!

 

[zonelistener]

Lilly...CHILL. Jeez.

I agree with LMPA...If it goes BEYOND innocent flirting - and the BOTH parties do not see it as innocent: THIS IS WRONG.

I know, and am friends with a number of married women. This is what the early 30's brings to your life. They are natural flirts. They love their husbands more than anything in the world - and would never do anything to hurt what they have. And their husbands know it. And, they would never be flirtatious with people they did not trust.

Now, if they are being flirtatious in more than just a friendly way...not cool. I completely agree.

And that's why I wanted some clarification to the thread. That's it. I would like to hear the opinion from some of the fine married types!

See Lilly...you need to just CHILL - and stop jumping all over me - I am tired of how you treat me, especially when this DID not deal with you AT ALL!

 

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

I just really hate to think that a friend is possibly throwing away a marriage for something else that, in the long run, is so trivial.

 

[unforgettableFOXfire]

Quite frankly, I dont see why married people should be permitted to flirt. By and large, if youre not satisfied with your marriage to the point where you need to get your fun and excitement flirting with other people then maybe you made a bad choice in getting married - all it says to me is that you cant handle the responsibility and commitment youve made to your other, and to that end it seems to me both disrespectful and highly destructive that you could flirt with someone and not even care that youre married.

If youre married, there is no such thing as innocent flirting imho. What kind of a game is it, other than a sadistic one, to play around with someone, whether youve decided for yourself 'nothing will come of this' or not, it leaves open too many potentially harmful scenarios; And, for that matter, once you say 'well, its ok if I flirt just this once', youve already made the first step towards a slippery slope.

Perhaps a little off topic, but ask anyone who cuts themselves - I can tell you from knowing some of these people that the first time was the hardest, and it just gets easier and easier, until eventually it becomes hard not to. Equate that over to a relationship, regarding flirting, and going more and more outside the boundaries of your relationship - what may start as innocent may end up destroying someones life. Is that playful? Hardly. You can say 'well I have the willpower to only let it go so far' and thats good, you might, but you never know when youre in some various circumstance whether youre under emotional duress or not, when something could happen and shit would hit the fan.

Plus what one person might think is innocent flirting someone else might think is serious, and then theyre lined up for a disappointment. You can rationalize it by saying theyre naive and stupid, but if you hadnt flirted then they wouldnt have suffered, your action was their negative consequence, and that doesnt absolve you of fault.

Easiest way to prevent something like that from happening is to not do it in the first place.

Say what you like, but Ive lost any and all faith in humanity to think that there are enough genuinely good people in the world right now to actually have the fortitude to draw any sort of line for themselves and come hell or high water stick to that line with every fibre of their being.


But, of course, thats just my opinion, and pretty much everyone will probably disagree with me. I was really hesitant to even bother posting this... I dont even feel comfortable here anymore... Too many cliques running around protecting their own for me to even risk saying anything remotely controversial in the forums. Bleh.


-edit-> changed people to person... gotta love tenses... stupid language... Plus I spaced it for more clarity and flow. Youre welcome.

 

[BAW]

Okay, as a married woman who is guilty of flirting, let me weigh in on this subject.

I don't think that a single guy having a platonic lunch, phone calls or even flirting with a married woman is going to take him out of the dating pool...her flirting back and enjoying his attention does not mean she's looking for an affair or trying to keep him away from single women. And I might add too that a guy who knowingly has an affair with a married woman is probably not someone you would want to date anyway.

I totally agree with zoney...who btw, I am guility of flirting with, along with 10 or so other guys around here. If I were to meet any of them for lunch and even flirt with them in person, that isn't going to stop them from asking another single person for a date and it doesn't mean I see it as anything more than innocent fun. My husband knows I flirt...he does too and I'm fine with that.

And yes, as LMPA and zoney both said, if it becomes anything other than platonic or if its being hidden from the husband or wife, then its very wrong.

Which leads me to lilly's comment about married people flirting. I know some people think its totally wrong and disrespectful and all that, but as long as its not leading to something else, I have no problem with it. I love and respect my husband but I was a flirt when he met me and he didn't expect me change. I would never walk up and ask a guy for his number but I see nothing wrong with a little eye contact and a flirty smile. I don't mind watching my husband flirt either...and knowing that I'm not going to scream at him for it has made him a very happy, very relaxed husband who appreciates me more than I could even begin to tell you.

Its suffocating when you have to pretend not to notice an attractive person of the opposite sex or feel that you have hide it from your spouse when you've done nothing wrong in the first place. It might not work for everyone but a little freedom and room to breath works for us and I wouldn't trade it for the short leash I was on in the past for anything.

 

[bonosloveslave]

I don't do or say anything to a guy that I wouldn't be comfortable doing/saying in front of my husband. Fair enough?

 

[HeartlandGirl]

I completely stand behind what BAW said, to the letter. And here are some of my own random thoughts.

I'm married and have quite a few guy friends. My husband knows all of them, and he's all good with it. But here's an example. Last week I ran into my friend, Steve, with whom I shared an office when we were both teaching the same class. We decided to sit down and have lunch together. While we were chatting and having a fun time, two women I work with came and saw me having lunch with Steve. I have no idea what they thought about it, but they could easily have assumed something shady was going on. That is not to say that anyone in this thread would jump to such conclusions, but I thought I'd say that sometimes things are not what they appear to be. What could be construed as flirting may just be two people who are comfortable with one another enjoying one another's company.

To paraphrase BAW, it all comes down to the two people who are married and what they are comfortable with. My husband has no problem with me hanging out with other guys, even if some of my speech or behavior could be considered flirting. In the end, it's just the two of us in this marriage, and we're very committed to that. What we allow in our marriage is our business, and if other people have a problem with it, .

 

[HeartlandGirl]

If youre married, there is no such thing as innocent flirting imho.

How about when I flirt with my gay friends?

 

[Mrs. Edge]

Oh, good grief!

All I have to say is....single people, let's see YOU be married for 10 years or so and THEN we'll talk. It's always the younger people who aren't married and have heads full of idealistic notions who make these grand moral statements.

I am not criticizing you for having morals. These are good and admirable thoughts to think of course....but I find some of these comments to be rather extreme and overly judgmental...not to mention downright party pooperish.

Now LMPA and I are good friends, so I know she isn't taking that the wrong way, right April?

Flirting is a way to combat general ennui in life, add some colour to the pallette and generate some good old fashioned joie de vivre. YES of course if flirting gets way out of hand, it is a sign of problems in the relationship and the person in question likely requires therapy or some some other action taken.

But PLEASE. Flirting is very healthy, and part of human nature. My husband knows I am a huge flirt. I'm sure he isn't crazy about it, but that's just how I am. I have been with him since the age of 19. I am now 32. I have EYES and SENSES and like to feel like I am attractive and ALIVE...not just some old married invisible housemarm.

Just because a single man wants to flirt with me doesn't mean that he is therefore off the market for the singles! We marrieds are well aware that single men are free to do as they choose, and are off limits, so we fully expect someone to snap them up.

Singles, GET OUT THERE and get 'em!

Oh...and what BAW and Zoney and HG said!

 

[Lilly]

you got a problem with me take it up via PM jeff.

Oh, good grief!

All I have to say is....single people, let's see YOU be married for 10 years or so and THEN we'll talk. It's always the younger people who aren't married and have heads full of idealistic notions who make these grand moral statements.

you're right, i'm not married, so i don't know the specificities. and maybe i'm oversensitive to flirting cos i know that it can lead to a lot more, destroying families and lives in general.

 

[Elvis]

Re: you got a problem with me take it up via PM jeff.

you're right, i'm not married, so i don't know the specificities. and maybe i'm oversensitive to flirting cos i know that it can lead to a lot more, destroying families and lives in general.

From my observations, flirting isn't to blame.
Choices are.

Just because one drives a car,
doesnt mean one has to crash a car into a wall, or over a bridge.

 

[Lilly]

From my observations, flirting isn't to blame.
Choices are.

Just because one drives a car,
doesnt mean one has to crash a car into a wall, or over a bridge.

but being in a car gives you opportunity to crash.




edit to add: i realize there is such thing as harmless flirting, and fine whatever if you want to do that then it's your decision. but there is a lot of grey area and one finely camouflaged thin line that separates harmless flirting and something more. this happens in relationships outside of marriage too.

 

[Elvis]

but being in a car gives you opportunity to crash.

being around humans gives you the opportunity to sleep around.

just because you have the opportunity, doesnt mean you have to take advantage of it.

 

[Elvis]

If a guy flirts with my GF, well.. of course I dont appreciate him doing so... but I also dont really care. If my GF loves me, I have nothing to worry about. If she doesnt, well I guess Im SOL.

Her loving me or not had nothing to do with him flirting. flirting isnt the root of the problem, although it COULD be a symptom - or not.

 

[KhanadaRhodes]

i'll weigh in as a married person. i don't necessarily see anything wrong with friendly flirting, as long as the other person knows that not only is the flirter married, but they're not interested in pursuing anything on the side with the flirtee.

i think i've done some friendly flirting before even after i got married. i say i think because even before i was married, i would always wonder if i was flirting. i'm paranoid with that, wondering if the guy will interpret me being nice as flirting. but now i see a friendly flirt as something with no strings attached.

i can say a guy is looking cute, even to his face. he knows i'm married, and therefore is under no obligation to flirt back or pretend to be interested. i've friendly flirted in front of my husband before and he didn't say anything to me or seem mad (he's not good at hiding that stuff) so i guess it would be okay with him.

i certainly don't get mad at my husband when he says a girl is cute, talks to a girl, or if he flirts with anyone which is possible. i trust him, and trust should be key in a marriage. each spouse should trust each other that they only love each other and would never be led astray.

 

[Chizip]

[B I would never walk up and ask a guy for his number but I see nothing wrong with a little eye contact and a flirty smile. [/B]

How does the guy you give a little wink and a smile know that this is just "innocent flirting" and nothing more?

And you women wonder why guys dont understand you, you just like to mess with us.

 

[bluephisto]

I dunno, I'm really iffy about the line between innocent and not so innocent flirting.

But that's just me.

 

[diamond]

hmmmmmmmmmm........

fidelity and loyality should be basic tenets of any healthy relationship..on all levels.
if a partner cant deliver these..they should consider checking out.

db9

 

[bluephisto]

exactly diamond. took the words outta my mouth.

 

[Diemen]

yes, but a little playful flirting doesn't really affect one's fidelity or loyalty to a partner. I've knowingly flirted with lots of who who are either taken or married (and I will continue to do so! ), but in all those cases we each knew that it was nothing more than playful flirting. There was no undercurrent of a possible affair or anything else like that.

As long as both parties are aware that it is flirting and nothing more, I see nothing wrong with it, and on top of that, I find it rather offensive that some people have suggested that flirting while either married or seeing someone is immoral. "There is no such thing as innocent flirting." Bullshit. If both parties know it's just for fun and isn't going anywhere, it's innocent flirting, regardless of your marital status.

 

[Salome]

I didn't mind when my gf flirted with other guys
I had enough trust in our relationship

now she lives with one of those guys
I'm not exactly sure of his feeling on this subject
perhaps I should call him some time

 

[HandMeDown]

Ha! Boy do I know what you mean! I have two co-workers, the guy is married and the woman's husband just left her for a woman he was having an affair with. Anyway, these 2 co-workers flirt all the time, they have both openly said that if the guy wasn't married they would have sex, and get this...they have cybersex ALLLLLLL day long at work on IM! It makes me ill and drives me crazy!!! I've lost all respect for both of them.

 

[Angela Harlem]

I dont think you should do that Slomey

I think the exact opposite of BLS There are things I say to my husband that I would never say to another man. Y'all dont need examples Ahh semantics, sorry lol bls!

Seriously, there are facts and non facts.
*some people are flirts by nature
*some people are bored with their relationship and may have fallen out of love even
*some couples have an understanding about such things
*not all flirting leads to anything. some does, sure - see point 2
*some people are not even aware they are doing it
*and lastly it is not gender based. For every married woman out there flirting with someone, there is an equally 'immoral' single (or not) man who is viewing this married woman as an easy score or a potential accomplishment and having no apparent issues with doing this.
When it leads past that grey area, there's 2 guilty parties involved. I think it is just as sick and morally reprehensible that there exist people who have no problems hooking up with someone already in a relationship. Married or not, and no matter how long the 'affair' is intended to last be it one night, a few months or indefinately. Which leads back to your original point April. We call the women the ones with the problem, but I'd be wary of any man who doesn't think the fact that a woman is married is a reason to not persue something.