things have gone awfully wrong...

[isikcan_aysev]

Hi everyone. This is my first post ever. I've been reading the forums for some time now, but its the first time I thought I'd write something. I know most people will just say Ive been listening to too much POP lately, and I think, in a way, theyd be right, after all it is my favorite album. My friends always wonder why Id love such a dark and hurting record. Call me mad.

I came from a show just an hour ago, and I did drink a bit there. So on the way back, in the cab i started thinking about.. stuff. Everyday stuff. My life. What I want out of it. Things you never pay attention to when youre fully awake.

And I realized, although the band was great, I was with my friends, the crowd was amazing, I didnt enjoy it one bit. It made me think even further... I realized I dont enjoy anything at all, anymore. Hell, sorry for the bluntness of the example but some guy said 'the day jacking off becomes a daily chore, youre truly dead'

The dinners I have with my family, playing with my dog, going out on dates, having sex, doing good at school, hanging out with my friends... I dont know if I get any real joy out of any of those, or am I just pretending to.

Then there is this girl Ive been going out with. I cant feel the tiniest bit of love for her and I havent been returning her calls for a while. Still, I dont want it to end, cause I am way too selfish to let myself feel unloved. I think Ill just dump her soon.

Most people I meet make me completely sick. Theyre so fake yet so vain. Id like them more if we werent so alike. (see I just got HTDAAB) Pretending to be happy when youre not, seeming to be genuine when youre a fake and being nice when youre full of contempt for others. Its no mean feat. I get through.

The best things in life, things i used to enjoy, the natural high when youre in love, the clarity you have when youre full of hate, even the healing of pure grief... are just gone. I dont know if Im even able to fall in love anymore. Hell, I dont even really hate anyone, I just feel pity for them. Thats the kind of troubled sick sod Ive become.

I am sick of being someone I never meant to become. I am sick of living up to others expectations. I am sick of the thought of not having a way back. Ive messed things up so badly, I have broken so many people, told so many lies to myself, that I have not a single idea who I've become.

But there is no way back now. I can only go forward. I dont know where. I am totally lost. The more I realize, the more I feel unloved.

 

[beli]

School. Counsellor. Ring. Now.

Speak to someone - doctor, counsellor, someone. It will all make more sense if you get it off your chest. This was a good first step. Congratulations. Keep going.

And take care of yourself, please

 

[Windmilllane]

You have friends. That's the most important thing..

Talk to them about how you feel. I am sure they will listen.

No matter what, there is hope. You will rediscover the things that bring you joy. I have confidence that you will.

 

[U2democrat]

Sounds to me like you have alot of people who love you. Tell them how you feel and they should hopefully reach out to you.

 

[starsgoblue]

Isik

Please talk to someone about how you feel. Whatever you're going through now isn't permanent...just remember that. I'm always here if you need someone to talk to.

 

[beau2ifulday]

I don't drink anymore for those reasons - I question things too much, and the last time I was seriously drunk, I did a very stupid thing in response to how I was feeling.
I can't speak for you personally, but how i've felt for the last year or so perfectly imitates what you've said there.... a feeling of worthlessness and hopelessness. Obviously, it may not be the same thing for you, but it turned out that the reason I was feeling like that was because I have depression - those feelings mean that my teenage years are slipping by in front of my eyes without me enjoying them one little bit.
There is one thing that helps me right now, and that is surrounding myself with my friends. They don't understand how I feel, but they care, and that is what has kept me going. It may be different for you - music, family, friends - just try find one small thing that you feel secure and safe around, and tru build on it from there.
I'm so sorry you feel this way, really, I know how awful it is, and I really hope you start to feel better soon.

 

[dandy]

we've all been where you are at one point or another. it feels like it will never end, that things will never be good ever again, but i promise you, it will. reach out to one of your close friends and talk about how you're feeling. just the simple act of sharing your feelings will feel like an enormous weight off your chest. posting this was a huge step in the right direction.

and remember, there is *always* someone here to listen if you need to talk, vent, get stuff out.

be good to yourself, and i hope things are better for you soon.

 

[Rinn]

Talk to someone, there are heaps of hotline type things that you can call if you don't want to tell anyone you know to well, but you really should have a chat with somebody who will understand.
I hope you feel better about stuff soon and there are always the nut's here to vent to.
Cheers
PS - you can never listen to Pop too much!

 

[U2Kitten]

You're just one of many people U2 has helped with their music. Good luck

 

[tiny dancer]

"Walk On" has been a great comfort to me since my mother's death. Now I can add "Sometimes You Can't make it On Your Own". It's mighty powerful.

 

[Muggsy]

 

[BrownEyedBoy]

You know, I am just like that. I get annoyed by how fake some people are and how they get away with it. I get annoyed by all this deception going on, all this hurting. I get depressed at clubs because I see how selfish people are and how they don't care, specially guys, how they just want to take advantage of girls that could easily be one of your friends.

I get depressed by small things, and then an entire night becomes ruined from this small seemingly meaningless thing. It really is quite the burden. I know how you feel. It's like this big hollow lump in the middle of your chest.

I really don't know what to tell you. Í don't know what helps me muster some joy from the sorrows that come from being a melancholic. But I'll tell you this much, though, there
is room or time in your life for happiness. There is time enough for a moment you will enjoy. Everyone has their own demons that haunt them. Everyone hurts of something. That's the sad reality of it. We can't have it all but we want it all.

So, hang in there man, the better part of life is just around the corner. God never places tests the he knows we couldn't handle.