There's a catch......

[MsGiggles]

are we really all so sex obsessed with such a lack of self-control that we can't have good friends of the opposite sex in case one day we accidently sleep with them?
i have had many close male friends, the closest of whom i would never dream of hopping into bed with.

surely we're not all physically attracted to absolutely everyone in the world? it must be possible that there are men out there who we can get along with and not what to shag

I don't think it's a question of how many or how close you are to your friends of the opposite sex, but whether or not your spouse will be comfortable with those friendships.

 

[bammo2]

one of my best friends is a guy. we go to the pub nearly every weekend, quite often alone. I'm single, but he's been in a relationship for 4 years. His girlfriend knows full well that there's no chance in hell that me or Rob will ever even start to fancy each other, never mind sleep together.

we've known each other for 7 years. he's always round my house helping me out because I've been doing renovations, and he's really handy aobut the house.

People always ask me whether his girlfriend 'minds' me and him being friends or spending so much time alone. She really doesn't mind. She always been his friend, and the idea of any kind of sexual activity with him is like the idea of sleeping with my brother

oh, and also, even if she did 'mind', it would be a problem that she'd have to work through. The fact is that friendships are just as important as lovers/spouses, just in different ways, and to give one up for the sake of the other is just wrong IMHO , and is not a sacrifice I would ever consider making to save someone their paranoia

 

[Angela Harlem]

Most of my friends used to be guys too. I just get along with them better. And I wasn't attracted to most of them either, but after a while I realized that they all wanted in my pants It was a little disturbing

I'm not saying that we're all powder kegs waiting to explode, I'm saying that especially in marriage it isn't fair to the other partner to share the same bond with somemone of the opposite sex that you should be sharing with your spouse.

And I really do believe that when you are serious about being with someone it is a bad idea to spend one on one close personal time with someone of the opposite sex.

You picked some scumbag friends, if they just wanted in your pants.

In marriage, of all relationships, trust should be there way before the marriage takes place. Trust is such a basic foundation for relationships. Honestly, if you truly cant trust in your situation, then you have problems. Problems with control, as well as trust. A husband or wife should definitely be able and allowed and free to pursue their friendships regardless of gender with friends without any strife from the spouse. If the spouse causes strife, it is because the spouse cannot trust and does not allow the partner freedom for their own sets of relationships. A friendship is so entirely different to a marriage, I just cant see how you view this as a problem. Friendships can be like colleague relationships in a workplace. I've found that many friendships evolve in a workplace setting. You dont honestly have a problem with your husband's female colleagues having a lunch or coffee break with your husband and swapping stories about what you all did on the weekend/a movie you watched last night/the traffic on the way in to work?

the ironic thing about this is, I reckon you are absolutely able to confess full faith in your husband, yet you write this. Do you trust him and yourself or not? If you do, as I expect you will say you do, then this is unnessecary controlling and issue building when it jjust doesn't have gto be this way. Jesus, girlie. Live your lives. Share your friends, revel in friendships. Trust freely. Dont isolate yourselves from others for the sake of a non-existant problem. Friendships are not marriage threats.

 

[Achtung_Bebe]

If I was this guy you would put on my nerves if you were intimidated...
...You can´t own a person.

I just feel you should be able to distinguish the relationship between your significant other and your close friends. If you cannot then I see a potential problem. I do have low self-esteem, something I'm aware of and am working on, which undoubtedly explains my frustration.

and just to clarify, I do not own anyone nor do I plan to I'm actually quite independent, have always been single and definately value freedom etc. etc. I'm still sorting through my feelings on this topic as relationships are new to me and I've never had to deal with this type of situation before.

I appreciate everyone's thoughts, it's helpful to consider different perspectives.

 

[u2bonogirl]

Instead of arguing with everybody on the proper way to pursue friendships while in a relationship, I'm just going to say that we all have things that work for us. My way works for me and my husband. We aren't isolated or paranoid. Just aware of certain realities. Apart from that, we prefer each other's company to other people's anyway and are both hopeless homebodies.

You have what works for you, we have what works for us, and we are a very happy couple with good friends that we see regularly.

This is Laura's thread. If we want to debate this stuff maybe a different thread would be better

 

[Achtung_Bebe]

You have what works for you, we have what works for us, and we are a very happy couple with good friends that we see regularly.

This is Laura's thread. If we want to debate this stuff maybe a different thread would be better

here, here. I hope I didn't derail Laura's thread by bringing my own situation into it. I feel like there's no cookie-cutter way of mastering the way of relationships. There are many different personalities and factors involved in each instance. If only it were more clear cut, life would be so much easier. More boring too though, I imagine

 

[u2bonogirl]

No, it wasn't you, I just thought that we all sort of veered off the topic by debating something that didn't have much to do with the topic of the thread. I figured if it was that important we could start a different thread

And a world with everybody in the same sort of relationship would be really boring And I don't know if I could stomach people around me and my husband being as disgusting and lovey dovey as us either

 

[joerags]

U2Dem

It sounds like both of you had a great connection. You both like the same things. If there is a spark and you can't this man out of your mind, then go for it.

To me, age is not a big deal. If it bothers you, then just keep him as a close friend. But if the spark is there, then pursue it and don't worry about the age thing. He seems like a cool guy who really likes you and vice versa.

Good luck.

 

[U2democrat]

Here's an update:

After several days of going back and forth in my mind, I told him that I'm not ready for a relationship with him---yet. I'm just too young and I don't think I'd be able to give him what he would want out of a relationship. However, if after a few years I feel more comfortable, I would definetly try and work things out with him.

He's disappointed but he understands completely. I'm hoping we can keep in touch, he really is an absolutely wonderful person.


ETA: I feel like I made the right decision, but at the same time I feel terrible. Does that make sense? Anyway, this has been a good learning experience for me, I appreciate the words that have been put into this thread

 

[u2bonogirl]

I think you made a geat decision, very mature. It makes total sense that you feel awful at the same time, and it should pass in a little while. If he really is the guy for you, I hope that you meet up again when you're ready. Maybe when you're ready will be sooner than you think.

But whatever you do I would also recommend you involve your parents when you decide to go forward in a relationship. It seems that you value their approval enough to influence your decisions. Your parents might surprise you someday. Mine did when they realized I wanted to marry a man 12 years older than me that lives across the continent, that I met on the internet
Somehow my dad just knew that his baby girl had found a keeper

 

[hiphop]

I just feel you should be able to distinguish the relationship between your significant other and your close friends. If you cannot then I see a potential problem.

Sure there are differences. With your partner you have a relationship including sex and quarrels and ups and downs, with your friend a friendship. Your partner can hurt you more than someone who is a good friend... in general.

If one CANNOT distinguish, i wouldn´t be with that person anyway. If I am with that person, she´s got her freedom and there´s absolutely no problem if she hangs out with some guys as long as she doesn´t flirt around or act like it. I´m too old to be with someone who doesn´t mean it serious.

My way works for me and my husband. We aren't isolated or paranoid. Just aware of certain realities.

I understand it works for you and your husband, and its ok to stick close and be at home together. The thing I ask myself is more.. if you trust each other and do not have an iota of fear.. what are the "realities" you are aware of?

One reality is that even if you do trust and even if you love each other, it can happen - he might be untrue to you once, or you might be untrue to him once. Also if you love each other like mad. Maybe this is the reality you´re talking about?

You can´t control that. There´s no way to control someone. You can trust and love your partner, and still you will not be able to guarantee that nothing, not even a kiss, will ever happen in your whole lifetime. This is reality. A reality that, unfortunately, we often forget - whether we romanticize, or we trust someone enough to give him/her all the freedom.

It is the wrong system to put someone in the famous golden cage. I´m not saying you´re doing this - you both seem to be happy and maybe you allow yourself the freedom you need in life: to interact with your friends, regardless of gender. I´m just pointing out that the cage doesn´t work anyway.

 

[hiphop]

ETA: I feel like I made the right decision, but at the same time I feel terrible. Does that make sense?

To feel terrible.. makes sense if you have a crush.

 

[Mr. BAW]

He's probably 30-35ish, and I'm 19 (he knows how old I am).

I've been waiting to remind you that I was 36 when I met BAW...she was 21.

In 3 weeks, I will be 55 and BAW will still be 21...this is the way he will always see you, the way I always see her...good luck.

 

[hiphop]

Re: Re: There's a catch......

I've been waiting to remind you that I was 36 when I met BAW...she was 21.

In 3 weeks, I will be 55 and BAW will still be 21...this is the way he will always see you, the way I always see her...good luck.

*hands a spliff to Mr. BAW* yeah rightz DADDY BAW double you G funk soldier respect to the crowd REPRESENT

 

[Mr. BAW]

back at ya Hip-hop!

 

[U2democrat]

Oh by the way I did tell my parents about him, and they took it well. They trusted me but were wary about his age. When I told my mom that I told him I wasn't ready she seemed relieved.


He said he's willing to wait...I hope he does because I would really like to be with him, just not now.

 

[Techie2000]

Oh by the way I did tell my parents about him, and they took it well. They trusted me but were wary about his age. When I told my mom that I told him I wasn't ready she seemed relieved.


He said he's willing to wait...I hope he does because I would really like to be with him, just not now.

Sounds like a mature decision, though I kind of changed my thoughts about it in learning more about how you think about it, through reading this, and well its okay to try stuff once in a while, isn't it? However in the end its up to you, and I'm glad you're doing what you're comfortable doing...

 

[U2democrat]

Also...I really know I like him when I go on and on about his personality and character, meanwhile he's SOOOO hot, but that's not even the main thing that I like about him! I mean, when I first laid my eyes on him it was , but when I got to know him I would over him, not his looks. I just need more experience before I move on to him.

 

[Achtung_Bebe]

you have made a very mature decision u2dem, it sounds like you have your head on straight. I give you mad props! Sure you like him, he likes you, and technically you could move on now; but to wait will allow you more time to consider the situation, which I feel is a good thing.

 

[Laura M]

I think you made a really good decision.

 

[the soul waits]

But this is also from the perspective of marriage. It may be different when you are just dating.

this is probably one of the most condescending remarks i've read on here lately.

 

[u2bonogirl]

this is probably one of the most condescending remarks i've read on here lately.

I have no idea why.
Things change between the time you are still making up your mind and when you've made it. Marriage is different from dating in many ways, and since I haven't spent a lot of time on the dating scene I don't have a good perspective

I'm officially bowing out of this conversation. I can't say anything around here without getting people jumping down my throat. This is exactly why I left here for a while, and exactly why I don't talk in my journal, and also why I'm scared to post almost anything anymore

Laura, can you update me through PM if anything else happens? I would like to keep up to date on the 'catch'
Oh and I want to know how the job ap went!

 

[zoney!]

My parents had a 10 year between them - with my mom being about your age U2Dem....I think times have changed though, and it really depends on the individuals!

 

[zoney!]

I'm officially bowing out of this conversation. I can't say anything around here without getting people jumping down my throat. This is exactly why I left here for a while, and exactly why I don't talk in my journal, and also why I'm scared to post almost anything anymore

You had good intentions!


I just want to point out some irony. I LOVE irony.....

Originally posted by the soul waits
Why would you get yelled at?

Obviously you haven't witnessed some of the replies I've had to my postings

...and

But this is also from the perspective of marriage. It may be different when you are just dating.

this is probably one of the most condescending remarks i've read on here lately.

I guess you can't win!

 

[U2democrat]

Interesting post there, Zoney.

 

[beegee]

jeff, you get an A+ for that one

 

[the soul waits]

You had good intentions!


I just want to point out some irony. I LOVE irony.....

...and



[/B][/QUOTE]

I guess you can't win! [/B][/QUOTE]


Wow, i post 1 question and 1 remark and out of the woodwork pop good ol' Zoney and his friend

i never knew that making a remark is "getting yelled at"

some people just need to get off their high horse

 

[A_Wanderer]

Also...I really know I like him when I go on and on about his personality and character, meanwhile he's SOOOO hot, but that's not even the main thing that I like about him! I mean, when I first laid my eyes on him it was , but when I got to know him I would over him, not his looks. I just need more experience before I move on to him.

Are you really sure that you want to wait? there isn't a one of us who should have to stay alone when we don't have to. If theres a person out there that you want that wants you back then its an opportunity that you should take, your level headed and smart; two things that should be more than useful - probably a good deal moreso than a slew of experiences.

 

[WildHoneyAlways]

Good luck Laura. Dating is tricky no matter what (if any!) age difference! lol





I guess there's a few high horses in this thread then.

 

[Schmeg]

Good luck Laura. Dating is tricky no matter what (if any!) age difference! lol

Very true. Best of luck!

I guess there's a few high horses in this thread then.

My thoughts exactly.