So - about that hugging..

[Hinder]

This is mostly for Christian folk who do the whole 'pass the peace' hugging thing. Now, as many of you may have guessed (and I think you have ) I'm not that into hugging. Or touching. It's just..not fun. At all.

Anyway, anytime I go to church, I get bombarded with people I don't really know trying to hug me. I mean, body to body contact hugging. Which makes me feel seriously annoyed. As in, I've considered biting offenders on the shoulder or neck to remind them that I specifically requested they not hug me. Ever. And yet, they forget every time.

So, I'm trying to think of a polite, firm way of getting people to stop it. I've tried backing up a pace or two and going 'Whoah, there, a little too much.' Or backing up and taking their hand. And yet they still try and force me to hug.
Why?

 

[JCOSTER]

I'm sorry, but I kinda think its sad that you don't want a hug.

 

[BVS]

Should probably be in Zoo Confessionals...

I've never been in a church that hugs like that, during the passing the peace, most just shake hands.

I would just stick my hand out looking for a handshake...

So are you like with everyone, or just strangers?

 

[yolland]

If it's the usual custom in your church for the sign of peace to take the form of a hug, I'm not sure how much you can gracefully do about it. Granted, for various reasons many people have issues with strangers and casual acquaintances touching them, and that can be quite understandable as far as it goes. But the sign of peace thing is ritualized behavior, which is different from e.g. the obnoxious coworker who doesn't know his/her boundaries and is always patting people on the shoulder, guffawing and slapping them on the back etc. It doesn't seem like something worth leaving a church you otherwise like over.

Is this perhaps something you'd feel comfortable talking to the pastor/priest/minister (assuming there is one) about?

 

[Liesje]

I don't like it either. It's not that I don't *like* people, but hugging is for my husband, my parents, and my REALLY close friends. Luckily though, I haven't had too much of that in church, mostly shaking hands which I'm fine with. Shaking hands is like a nice greeting...I dunno...to me hugging is a sign of affection, not sexual, but affection nonetheless, and sorry, I don't feel much affection towards people I don't know. Phil's parents always hug me and it took a while to get used to that. Call me a stone cold bitch or whatever, but my family just is not like that, so it's hard for it not to feel really awkward at first. Part my personality, a lot how I was raised.

 

[Carek1230]

Everybody needs a good hug once in a while, no matter where we get the hugs from. A lot of people don't accept hugs from strangers because they just feel their space being invaded. It's human touch but it's not comfortable for everyone--in a church, office, public or private atmosphere. I prefer the hugs in my circle to be with close friends and family. If a stranger seems to want to hug I usually will offer my hand for a handshake instead.

 

[phillyfan26]

I've never encountered hugging at church. It's always been handshaking. Always.

 

[LemonMelon]

This reminds me of Jerry not wanting to do the "kiss hello" thing.

Anyway, I have encountered this, but I generally like the touch of other human beings. If you don't like it, just stick your hand out forcefully. That'll probably stop it.

 

[UberBeaver]

In my church (CoNJ) at the sign of peace the peace-r can do pretty much whatever they like so long as the peacee doesn't mind. If the peace-r wants to go in for a hug and the peacee doesn't want to be hugged, the peacee just says, "Whoa now big fella - I'm not into the touchy feely. Back that thang up now," and everyone's happy. If the body language isn't working, try that.

Or just close your eyes and stand in silence during that part of the service.



ETA - also, my church (CoNJ) doesn't have a real weekly service. It's sort of a now and then thing.

 

[phillyfan26]

CoNJ's next service is like mid-January right?

I'll be there.

 

[UberBeaver]

March, I think.

 

[Sicy]

We only just shake hands at my church as well. Really surprised about the hugging.

 

[mysterious_jen]

hug. kiss. church. WTF. DONT GO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
save the hassle.

 

[mysterious_jen]

hug. kiss. church. WTF. DONT GO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
save the hassle.

i just dont go near those i know are huggy or churchy and i get along just fine .

 

[mysterious_jen]

hmm how did i manage to quote myself when i meant to edit......

 

[Got Philk?]

wow...you have taken over this thread!!


I'm ok with hugging certain people. But the strangest for me was my soon to be brother in law's parents. They were all about the hugging when we met. I wanted to say, "I'm not marrying your son."

 

[redhotswami]

I used to be like you, Hinder. I wasn't comfortable even hugging my friends. They knew that though, and were fine with it. As for doing it in church, I also recommend talking to a pastor about it.

At one of my favorite churches in the world, during the sign of peace, everyone leaves their pews and moves to the center aisle. People hug, shake hands, have a bit of conversation. This process can take around 20 minutes! At first I was shocked and found it overwhelming, but then when I was greeted with so many hugs (my first time there) I saw how these people who didn't even know me were welcoming me into their community. That really melted my heart. Plus, circumstances have caused me to change a lot. I used to barely hug people, now I crave human touch and connection like you wouldn't believe.

 

[Vincent Vega]

Hugging as a form of greeting has become popular here in Germany either, though it's generally girls/young women doing it, or at parties.
It's a bit funny as when you meet in uni you just say hi, but when you meet at a party, bar disco or something like that they suddenly come and hug you.

I don't feel the need to do so, but I don't really have a problem with it either.

I'm not religious, so I'm curious as to what is this "sign of peace" exactly? The times I have been to service, at a Lutheran church, there wasn't such a ritual.

 

[BrownEyedBoy]

You should spend some time here and have to kiss every single female you know on the cheek good-bye and hello. I hate it.

 

[Hinder]

I'm sorry, but I kinda think its sad that you don't want a hug.

Whyfor? Seriously, some people just aren't into it. I happen to be one of those people. It smacks of too much familiarity for me.

BonoVox : I suspect it's a Southern baptist thing. I've been to Baha'i things and nobody assumes you want them to hug you. They'll offer you a handshake. But Southern baptists seem to think that because you're in their church, you feel like they're family. Uh, no, we're not. Heck, I can't remember the last time I hugged my mother who bore me!


Hm. I guess I could do some kind of forceful offer of a handshake/'whoa, not so much on the hugging thing. Personal space, please!" thing.

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

Some people just aren't comfortable hugging strangers, and it does depend upon how you grew up. Nothing wrong with that. I didn't get that many hugs and sometimes I am uncomfortable with it too.

The Pastor at my church who retired in May always encouraged that more touch feely stuff and hand holding during the Our Father. The new one is younger but he doesn't, people just do whatever they want. I don't even hold hands with my mother during that so why would I with a stranger? If someone extends their hand to do so though I could never not do it. If I have a cold I will usually tell someone though for that or handshaking.

 

[dsmith2904]

It might be something you'll get used to. I wasn't that much of a hugger but we hug at the end of every yoga class and everyone at AWF hugs all the time, so I'm a lot more comfortable with it now.

If it really crosses a line for you, though, don't force yourself to do it. Everyone at your church is trying to share their good feelings and should understand you're not liking to hug or be touched.

 

[mandy1973]

I was going to ask what the "sign of peace" is too - It has been a VERY long time since I've set foot inside a church, but I don't recall this at all.

 

[Mr. BAW]

There's are some interference girls that I still extend my hand to shake...I don't want them to think I'm trying to smash their jumblies with a senseless hug...

But there is this east coast guy they gotta stay away from...

 

[Justin24]

You should spend some time here and have to kiss every single female you know on the cheek good-bye and hello. I hate it.

I know what you mean. When ever guests of my parents come over I do that. In Guatemala same thing.

 

[corianderstem]

I was going to ask what the "sign of peace" is too - It has been a VERY long time since I've set foot inside a church, but I don't recall this at all.

In churches I've been to, this means turning to your neighbors and shaking their hand (or, apparently, sometimes a hug) and saying "Peace be with you" or something similar.

 

[Hinder]

I guess it's a mixture of personal space issues (as in, I want it respected, no matter what.) and just a general distrust of people I don't really know. From people I know, I do generally allow a light, across-the-shoulders hug, as long as they don't rush up and do it, assuming I'm in the mood to hug. The church I was speaking of - which I've since left - had it as a rule. As i9n, literally, the Pastor told me I had to hug everybody or I wasn't welcome there. Now, I don't care if he's the man of God and all, he simply doesn't have the right to dictate to me what I should allow people to do to my body. he's never gotten this point, in the five years I tried to work it out with him and them. So, uh, yeah. That's a fundamental point for a person who has abuse issues in their lives to be forced to let someone hug me just because the Pastor's little feelings will be hurt if I don't.
And, to be perfectly honest, there were people there who I'd rather not be in the same building with, because of their tendency to lie, cheat, and steal..but that's beside the point.

I've since found a new church where the people are more willing to understand that I don't hug. The pastor's fine with it. She'll automatically offer a handshake without trying to touch me. There are a few people I have to remind, but they're remarkably graceful about it.

 

[phillyfan26]

In churches I've been to, this means turning to your neighbors and shaking their hand (or, apparently, sometimes a hug) and saying "Peace be with you" or something similar.

That's definitely how we do it in the Catholic Church. Everyone shakes hands and says "Peace be with you" (in my case, just "Peace"), and usually the only non-shaking of hands done is between immediate family members.

 

[tiny dancer]

We have the sign of peace in my church. They only time I give a hug is if it is a relative or close friend. My missed my hugs from my late father.