small confessions

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For Honor

Rock n' Roll Doggie VIP PASS
Joined
Dec 13, 2004
Messages
5,278
Location
East Coast, USA
For your listening enjoyment, a link to Nena's 99 red ballons and other assorted music



Neither the song or the site have anything to do with my confessions, but I felt like linking it anyway.


1: I write a lot here on intereference. I write an obnoxious amount, and I'm sorry if I like bore people or come off as being arrogant or something. I just get addicted, and it keeps flowing, and it's getting bad, and I need to control it...

2: I am a complete sucker for Chinese food. I went to the Dragon Buffet here in Colonie, and my god it was great. And it just ads to my whole Asian infatuation. The waitresses there are so femenine and cute! :drool: And the food :drool: And I can never get enough... of either. I always want more no matter how much I can get...

HMm... I seem to have some issues with quantities... I write a lot, I want a lot of good food, and I like women a lot.... And i like things that last


But as far as the food goes, I'm kind of on the skinny side, so I could use a few more pounts... I guess that means I should go to the Dragon Buffet EVERY DAY :yes: :yes: :yes: :drool:

......

sorry....

um


3: Both the writing and the food, and asian ... things... just makes me miss someone special to me... I hate being far away. I like all those things because they remind me of her so much, they are intertwined, and I should stop doing that, because we are going to have to... go our separate ways for a while, beginning August 30th -- ala my other thread about having to do something hard.

So let me take a moment to indulge, and then I'll stop and hide it away: She likes all that I write, I always seem to say the right things to make her happy, she shows her care in so many nice and loving ways, she knows how to please me, she has so many great ideals and values, she likes to cook, I think she would be great domestically, she likes to take care of me, she is smart and has a beautiful mind, she has....... all the intangibles. And I know those are hard to find, the right ones for me, anyway, because I really do look for them. My god she is awesome, and I still can't believe that she ... even goes through with it all and cares about me the way she does. It makes me feel so good

But so sad that I...
...can only do so much at this point in my life.


Honestly, when I started 3 I wasn't thinking about her. But I wrote the number down and it all came out...

It's hard.....


..........

It;s just hard...



As much as I know what I feel, and what is real and waht isn't... There is uncertainty, and.....

I'm having a trouble getting that there won't be answers for a long time no matter what happens. So , in many ways, it doesn't matter whwat happens at this moment.

But I don't want to....
I just have a feeling like I'm letting go of something I can't afford to loose. But then again, am I just a fool? What do I have to begin with?

I just don't have any answers



--------------------------------


4. Women are beautiful. Everyhing about them I like. And they seem to like me, too. But I only want one. And yes, my youthful idealism is there. But some things are just part of me, who I am. My intuition is so alarming, because what if I have already found something, and i don't realize it? But how foolish is it to worry about something you don't even know you have? Blah.........

5. There is the side of me that understands that I don't need anyone or anything at all. I don't even need to go to collge, and I could be happy. But I am going, no matter what. But... it' sjust like...

if I am going to have something, it has to be... right, and good, and ... maybe even grand. ... I can't ... accept... something halfassed.... (lost thoght train)

6. I have 5 colors in my current room. Typical white for ceiling, but then yellow, orange, and power red. DOn't know those names. ON the wall behind me is "Wedding white". I didn't know, I just picked out the colors. But I hate how my mind works

because everything makes me think, and wonder, and look for patterns and connections. And it's hard to turn it off.


I guess it would be nice to have someone to force me to go to sleep or something...... but that sort of leads back to her. She helped unleash so much of me... it's sort of hard not to think of her. But I know I have to rise above it.



I..... am going to have to learn..........

how to

.................. eh.......... well,,, I won't write it, but I will write something for myself, so I remember -


how to "u****".




--------------------------------


many thanks to anyone who ever takes the time to read any of what I write. :|
 
Many thanks everyone :)


------------------------------------------



I have one more thing that is kind of disturbing, but ironically I will write less about it, most likely. My stepmother had a housewarming party for her new roommate, which is still a result of the divorce.

anyways, they was a party today


It is disturbing coming homd and finding your stepmother smashed. I have nothing wrong with her drinking, it's just... one of those shady events. When you are an 18 year old and wake up to loud R&B (etc) music, it's like....
wow, I totally felt like an old man. I'm getting these weird feelings like I am the most competent person in my immediate family. But I'm not bragging, I'm kind of embarassed and worried. I.... I'm feeling...

I've never shyed away form responsibility
But :huh:



It's almost like a weird reversal thing - like, now that i've turned 18..... I'm worried about what my family is going to do, rather than my family worrying about me. My father is totally on the wrong path, and my stepmother... her faults and weaknesses are showing, and almost growing
It's just funky hahaha.



Perhaps it is best said like this: My family is creating an uncomfortable and difficult situation for me, and I don't know where to turn, either for guidance or support or sense a familiairty. I know there are other people who have their own and difficult situations. BUt I have never heard anything or seen anything about mine.
And it kind of furthers my "waiting to get out of here" mentality.
Talk about a door waiting to close on your past...



It is weird when your father says: "You know, I'm kind of jealous of you. You've got your whole life ahead of you, and you haven't made any major mistakes"(now, don't think my dad has totally thrown his life away, but after the divorce, he's had a lot of happenings, and I have had a lot of firsthand experience; we are close).but now it's almost like ... I can see everyone is looking up to me, or like, expecting me... which is flattering but daunting perhaps.


I'm going to have to blaze a trail, and do what is right when I don't know what it is I need to find. THere are so many things I want to do with my life, things to do and mistakes not to make, so to say. But I can't make any decisions now, I have to wait. I have to be diligent even now, but I have to wait.

So it's like, how do you do what is right when you ... know what you want but not how to get there. I guess making it up as you go along is part of life.

blah... butl... what a waste this post is. Even this.... insubstantial

:hmm:
 
the soul waits said:
I like your posts, For Honor :)

Me too :up:

BTW I am a big fan of Chinese food myself and all things Asia.
 
ah, very good!

You wouldn't happen to know any Asia-orientated threads, etc. around here, would you? I'm slowly getting more and more into the culture, which is kind of hard given my location, but so be it.

There are very few things that interest me, really, but Asian culture is one, so I'm trying to expand. My dad, oddly enough, is a martial arts teacher and goes to China every once in a while to see his master... perhaps oppertunities will arrive then, I don't know.


But thankyou very much, yimou, I appreciate it.
 
For Honor said:
ah, very good!

You wouldn't happen to know any Asia-orientated threads, etc. around here, would you? I'm slowly getting more and more into the culture, which is kind of hard given my location, but so be it.

There are very few things that interest me, really, but Asian culture is one, so I'm trying to expand. My dad, oddly enough, is a martial arts teacher and goes to China every once in a while to see his master... perhaps oppertunities will arrive then, I don't know.


But thankyou very much, yimou, I appreciate it.

Nah, i havn´t seen any Asia threads around here. The Asian cultures are amazing. I particularly like the Chinese and Japanese cultures.

I understand what you mean when you say that it can be hard to get into something like other cultures. Especially when we are far away and unable to see, touch, feel the stuff we admire. I am sitting in my apartment in tiny tiny tiny Denmark and Asia seems pretty far away you know :wink:

But its cool that your dad is a Martial arts teacher and that he visits China from time to time. You should definitely go with him some day because its amazing. I have been there quite a few times now and i am just blown away everytime i go there. You have to see it to understand it.

BTW My avatar is a picture i took in China.
 
Yeah, I was wondering about that, your picture.

Apparently, back in school, people said they went to China for some trip, but I never really knew about it, because I sure would have gone on it. But oh well.

Yeah, I think China is on the exact opposite side of the world from me, here in New York...... :huh:


Wow, it's late... darn... I didi it again.........

oh well.

I will write more later about all this.

Goodnight everyone, or, goodmorning as it were for me..............
 
i enjoy reading alot of your posts though i tend to lurk in the shadows and not post much. i once stayed in Tokyo for a month and really enjoyed the culture, the peope, everything. Theres a big world out there. Try to explore it and experience it first-hand.

I wouldn't worry about everyone looking up to you. I'm sure it's the same "Family Starry Eyed" syndrome that we all face. Every parent/family member wants thier own to do well.

i can actually relate to your trail of thought sometimes, but don't take that as being predictable.

Wow that wasn't structured too well...
 
Well I appreciate that, so thankyou.

I don't know if I am predictable or not. I probably have some very apparent patterns...

And as far as my family... ugh... today was another prime example... My stepmom saw a puddle of water in the main entry way, and we came to find out it was from the airconditioner upstairs. The people renting it are slobs, essentially, but my stepmom needs the money.

She just had like a huge emotional ... teary tantrum thing. And I'm the one who is standing there being rational and comforting. It's just strange. I mean, I understand that she blames herself for a lot and such, but she is one of those people who does so much for others and gives herself little slack, and it's been wearing her down. Just yesterday she had a party and actually got drunk for the first time in a long time... I'm sort of worried about her, because she's got a lot of stress in her life.


I'm kind of worried about leaving for college...
I mean... I wonder what will become of my family?
People will probably drift apart into their own worlds, and I just hope they are strong enough to move on with their life. Perhaps it is stime for this, though, because I am sort of the thing that ties everyone toegether, (My family is kind of large and very diverse, so to say).


...... eh....... basically, for the last 2.5 years, a transition has been in place in my family structure, and I think me leaving for college will finally bring closure to that. It will be good for all of us, myself included, because it will be closeing a chapter in our lives, and moving on.

But it lingers, and will linger on until January.

New Years day... not really, but almost...
and the song.....

"I......
I will begin again..........

I..........
I will begin again........."

Come winter, my life will officially "begin". But now, it is just a lingering time.... waiting for the inevitable.
 
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