For Honor
Rock n' Roll Doggie VIP PASS
Well, okay, this is probably going to be a long series of posts by me. But we'll see... I've sort of avoided thinking about it, but I think it will be best for me to put it out in the open and deal with it now, rather than later.
I was going to start a thread in DREAM out loud, but I don't know if I should now, because it will just remind me of all the things I wanted to tell her. But here it is, no more procrasting:
My love is moving away, to California.
I live in New York, and She was in PA, so it was always more a "long distance". But we were so close, and we never really did anything.............................
Okay, let's be honest..... I've never even seen her.
So one would ask.... "How do you know you love her, man?"
Because I just do. I've been down all the roads, "how can this be;, it' absurd; it's not right; it wouldn't be the same if you were closer; you're just being childish; irrational; fantasy land; wake up".... and so many more. But I think about her so much, and she's so good to me, it makes me sick.
It really does, because I am only now able to be myself in school, and, it's sort of too late for anything there, as I'll be going away to college. So, this next 6 monthes is dead time- as in, looking for someone I can have a real relationship. I've b een through all the games, and I know exactly what I want, so I'm tired of all the BS. Give me something real.
And there in lies the irony. She is completely imaginary.
And sure, in my sentimental mind, I've made her bettter than she probably is, but, here's the key..... She's younger than me, sort of a lot, but, she's got everything I want upstairs!
She told me how old she was, and I didn't believe it. But she's telling the truth, because I've checked other things, and just trust me, she is who I say she is....
But it is so shocking because I never ever liked younger people, and I don't like anyone in school, I don't like the atmosphere.
*sigh* Okay, I'll try to stay focused here...
But another thing is.... I've tried before to get her out of my mind, we'e had a time where we both moved on, or tried to, but then it's back to just complete.......... And I remember, New Years Day, and actually, the day before, 2 days before, I couldn't sleep, because all I could think about is her. Her name is Elissa......
And it was hell, because I was the last one up, like I always am (everyone goes to sleep before I do- I'm young, a night person to an extreme, and I guess I have a very calming presence- everyone says so, and I guess it's easy to fall asleep).... right, well, I was the last one up, and I was trying to watch Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon to pass the time. And it made is worse, because she's asian, and it was so..............
She's like the girl, the governers daugher, Jen, or whatver, and I'm a lot like her lover from the desert, the orhpan, the one who chases the stars, etc.
And it was hell. The next day, new years, I finished the movie again at night. And it was just so bad...........
The next day, I get to a cpu, and she tells me that she's had so many problems with her own cpu, and that's why she's been gone. (I sort of just began to move on, because for almost a month it was no communication what so ever). But it wasn't her fault. She comes back and tells me that she loves me, and that she never realized how much she did. She tells me all these things..... the has dreams and fantasies about me, but I don't want it to sound "oh, she's lieing, it's too good to be like that"- that's not the case.
But I spoke to her, and we had a chat that night for a long time, like we do, and I realized, New Years Day, I said to myself "Okay.... I'll put myself back into the fire again".... because I knew that it would hurt the next time we separated, even if it was just like this. But I knew it then.
And this year has been so starnge..... not since last year have I been able to fall asleep before 1:00AM. Sometimes up to 3 and 4. Not always about Elissa, but just so many things. And even last night, I was up to 4, because I was talking to my sort of "kid brother", Zack, outside, in the middle of the street, where there was absolute sielence and calm, for about 2 hours. I don't regret that, I think it was good for him, and me (I'm like his big brother, I guess.....ugh)...... but it's just thingslike that, all the time. It's been a strange12 days.... but my whole llife is strange, but this extra strange now.....
And I'm going to be doing a project on stoicisim, which sort of denounces all passions..... and part of my project was going to be how I dissagree with one thing specifically- Love.
But now, She's moving away.
I guess it won't be any different, but, it just stings.
It's like I've been teased the whole damn time, and now, it's just even worse. It would just make me think more about her, I'm that way. Now she'll be on the other side of the country.... and it's so strange, because I've been infatuated with people before, but I've never ever felt anything like this, and in my ultra-uberromantic mind, I sort of want her to be my first and only love.
Deep down inside I would do anything for her, I would cross oceans or anything. And then there is reality- I've never even "met" her. BUt then again, if she wants the same thing I do, what really matters?
There are so many instinces..... we've had complimentary dreams, and there is just so much that says to me "What the hell are you doing so far away from this girl?". ANd I can't answer that. There's just the other question "What the hell are you doing thinking about this girl who's so far away, in time and space?"( or at least, thats how it would appear).
It really gets to me, though, because I can't love anyone right now, I can't open up, I can't be there for anyone the way I want to, and she is the ultimate example for this. Hell, we've even mentioned running away together, and when I first said it, she said yes.
She said she would.
................................................... ............ ........................ ...........
But then we decided that it's better not to, and we shouldn't even think that way. But deep down she wants that, but if I did that, it would ruin her life- she's so smart, and she'll still be in school for a few years. And this is how I sort of let go the first time: I sincerely do care about her, and my prescence was just getting in the way, just being a nussence, so I let go.
It was so hard, but it's the right thing to do, because I can't love someone if I destroy them, I can't be that greedy. But part of me will always wonder, what if I just went to her?
In a way,,,,,, I'm there, though. I'm at the point where I can say I love you, and I want you to be happy, so I want you to do whatever you need to do, I want you to live your life.
It just hurts when I type those words, that's all.
And I know were are so young to be thinking about such a deep thing as love, but she's one of the few people who I think might actually have what it takes to be in a real, loving relationship. I think, if I could, in my ultimate fantasy world, my Id world, with no consequences, I would marry her, and go someplace far away, where we could have snow in the winter and a change of seasons. That way, she'd be mine, and I would be happy... But that's all about me. But I know I'd be happy, because, all the thinking and soul searching I've done lets me know that, for me, something like that is what I really, and It's something I would cherish and work at it to make it work and last.
But now, I guess I will have to move on.....
or will I?
She says to me.............
"if anything happens, then maybe it will be more worthwhile"
I asked her what she meant, and she just kept saying "nvm", and I'm sure that it's something she doesn't want to talk about, because it hurts her, and she doesn't like to show it. Thats how she deals with things.
........I belive what she meant was, if anything does come out of our relationship, it will mean that it really was meant to be, and, that we are meant for each other.....
(but I'll question her more about that when I get the chacne- she said that today, not long ago)
So....... *sigh*......
I'm totally unable to do anything. I'm so, so, so tired of everything being out of my hands, and beyond my control.
SHould i just end it all now, and not wait until March, when she is to leave for CA?
SHould i persevere and still keep in touch when she is in CA?
If so, should I continue to express my love and desire for her, or should I just be happy with friendships to some level, although that hasn't seemed to last very well.
We've always been moving forward with our relationship. We started out as friends, flirted, and things went from there....
Or maybe you should just tell me to wake up.
I really don't know right now, and I don't think there are any answers, and that just irratates me.
Regardless, I love her. I just am unsure of the right course to take. Is it more honorable to let go now, and wish her well, or should I fight to the bitter end (my gut instinct), and wait as long as I needed to to be with her, because that's something I honestly think I could do.
BUt I'm concerned for her, because she needs to grow up and live life, too. I've had my time to know what I want, I've seen the world and I know what's true to me. She has too, but, a lot can change in a year or more.
We said we were in love August 24th, so it will be 6 months soon.
No matter what happens, she is a part of my life now, and I'll always be wodering what I should do at this point in my life, regardless of who I meet down the road and what happens.
I'm sure it will be another long night tonight, thinking about her or not. 2005 is supposed to be a much better year for me then 2004, but is sure starting out odd. I spoke with my father, and he admits it too- we don't know anyone who really has a normal life, and especially for me, it's so unusual. Even besides Elissa, there is so much.
And the most I can do is type insignificant words into a keyboard and onto a monitor. That's all. Even as you read this, and see all the posts, I won't be able to do a damn thing. Just sit here, and wait for something.
So, thanks for humoring me.......
..................................................
I was going to start a thread in DREAM out loud, but I don't know if I should now, because it will just remind me of all the things I wanted to tell her. But here it is, no more procrasting:
My love is moving away, to California.
I live in New York, and She was in PA, so it was always more a "long distance". But we were so close, and we never really did anything.............................
Okay, let's be honest..... I've never even seen her.
So one would ask.... "How do you know you love her, man?"
Because I just do. I've been down all the roads, "how can this be;, it' absurd; it's not right; it wouldn't be the same if you were closer; you're just being childish; irrational; fantasy land; wake up".... and so many more. But I think about her so much, and she's so good to me, it makes me sick.
It really does, because I am only now able to be myself in school, and, it's sort of too late for anything there, as I'll be going away to college. So, this next 6 monthes is dead time- as in, looking for someone I can have a real relationship. I've b een through all the games, and I know exactly what I want, so I'm tired of all the BS. Give me something real.
And there in lies the irony. She is completely imaginary.
And sure, in my sentimental mind, I've made her bettter than she probably is, but, here's the key..... She's younger than me, sort of a lot, but, she's got everything I want upstairs!
She told me how old she was, and I didn't believe it. But she's telling the truth, because I've checked other things, and just trust me, she is who I say she is....
But it is so shocking because I never ever liked younger people, and I don't like anyone in school, I don't like the atmosphere.
*sigh* Okay, I'll try to stay focused here...
But another thing is.... I've tried before to get her out of my mind, we'e had a time where we both moved on, or tried to, but then it's back to just complete.......... And I remember, New Years Day, and actually, the day before, 2 days before, I couldn't sleep, because all I could think about is her. Her name is Elissa......
And it was hell, because I was the last one up, like I always am (everyone goes to sleep before I do- I'm young, a night person to an extreme, and I guess I have a very calming presence- everyone says so, and I guess it's easy to fall asleep).... right, well, I was the last one up, and I was trying to watch Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon to pass the time. And it made is worse, because she's asian, and it was so..............
She's like the girl, the governers daugher, Jen, or whatver, and I'm a lot like her lover from the desert, the orhpan, the one who chases the stars, etc.
And it was hell. The next day, new years, I finished the movie again at night. And it was just so bad...........
The next day, I get to a cpu, and she tells me that she's had so many problems with her own cpu, and that's why she's been gone. (I sort of just began to move on, because for almost a month it was no communication what so ever). But it wasn't her fault. She comes back and tells me that she loves me, and that she never realized how much she did. She tells me all these things..... the has dreams and fantasies about me, but I don't want it to sound "oh, she's lieing, it's too good to be like that"- that's not the case.
But I spoke to her, and we had a chat that night for a long time, like we do, and I realized, New Years Day, I said to myself "Okay.... I'll put myself back into the fire again".... because I knew that it would hurt the next time we separated, even if it was just like this. But I knew it then.
And this year has been so starnge..... not since last year have I been able to fall asleep before 1:00AM. Sometimes up to 3 and 4. Not always about Elissa, but just so many things. And even last night, I was up to 4, because I was talking to my sort of "kid brother", Zack, outside, in the middle of the street, where there was absolute sielence and calm, for about 2 hours. I don't regret that, I think it was good for him, and me (I'm like his big brother, I guess.....ugh)...... but it's just thingslike that, all the time. It's been a strange12 days.... but my whole llife is strange, but this extra strange now.....
And I'm going to be doing a project on stoicisim, which sort of denounces all passions..... and part of my project was going to be how I dissagree with one thing specifically- Love.
But now, She's moving away.
I guess it won't be any different, but, it just stings.
It's like I've been teased the whole damn time, and now, it's just even worse. It would just make me think more about her, I'm that way. Now she'll be on the other side of the country.... and it's so strange, because I've been infatuated with people before, but I've never ever felt anything like this, and in my ultra-uberromantic mind, I sort of want her to be my first and only love.
Deep down inside I would do anything for her, I would cross oceans or anything. And then there is reality- I've never even "met" her. BUt then again, if she wants the same thing I do, what really matters?
There are so many instinces..... we've had complimentary dreams, and there is just so much that says to me "What the hell are you doing so far away from this girl?". ANd I can't answer that. There's just the other question "What the hell are you doing thinking about this girl who's so far away, in time and space?"( or at least, thats how it would appear).
It really gets to me, though, because I can't love anyone right now, I can't open up, I can't be there for anyone the way I want to, and she is the ultimate example for this. Hell, we've even mentioned running away together, and when I first said it, she said yes.
She said she would.
................................................... ............ ........................ ...........
But then we decided that it's better not to, and we shouldn't even think that way. But deep down she wants that, but if I did that, it would ruin her life- she's so smart, and she'll still be in school for a few years. And this is how I sort of let go the first time: I sincerely do care about her, and my prescence was just getting in the way, just being a nussence, so I let go.
It was so hard, but it's the right thing to do, because I can't love someone if I destroy them, I can't be that greedy. But part of me will always wonder, what if I just went to her?
In a way,,,,,, I'm there, though. I'm at the point where I can say I love you, and I want you to be happy, so I want you to do whatever you need to do, I want you to live your life.
It just hurts when I type those words, that's all.
And I know were are so young to be thinking about such a deep thing as love, but she's one of the few people who I think might actually have what it takes to be in a real, loving relationship. I think, if I could, in my ultimate fantasy world, my Id world, with no consequences, I would marry her, and go someplace far away, where we could have snow in the winter and a change of seasons. That way, she'd be mine, and I would be happy... But that's all about me. But I know I'd be happy, because, all the thinking and soul searching I've done lets me know that, for me, something like that is what I really, and It's something I would cherish and work at it to make it work and last.
But now, I guess I will have to move on.....
or will I?
She says to me.............
"if anything happens, then maybe it will be more worthwhile"
I asked her what she meant, and she just kept saying "nvm", and I'm sure that it's something she doesn't want to talk about, because it hurts her, and she doesn't like to show it. Thats how she deals with things.
........I belive what she meant was, if anything does come out of our relationship, it will mean that it really was meant to be, and, that we are meant for each other.....
(but I'll question her more about that when I get the chacne- she said that today, not long ago)
So....... *sigh*......
I'm totally unable to do anything. I'm so, so, so tired of everything being out of my hands, and beyond my control.
SHould i just end it all now, and not wait until March, when she is to leave for CA?
SHould i persevere and still keep in touch when she is in CA?
If so, should I continue to express my love and desire for her, or should I just be happy with friendships to some level, although that hasn't seemed to last very well.
We've always been moving forward with our relationship. We started out as friends, flirted, and things went from there....
Or maybe you should just tell me to wake up.
I really don't know right now, and I don't think there are any answers, and that just irratates me.
Regardless, I love her. I just am unsure of the right course to take. Is it more honorable to let go now, and wish her well, or should I fight to the bitter end (my gut instinct), and wait as long as I needed to to be with her, because that's something I honestly think I could do.
BUt I'm concerned for her, because she needs to grow up and live life, too. I've had my time to know what I want, I've seen the world and I know what's true to me. She has too, but, a lot can change in a year or more.
We said we were in love August 24th, so it will be 6 months soon.
No matter what happens, she is a part of my life now, and I'll always be wodering what I should do at this point in my life, regardless of who I meet down the road and what happens.
I'm sure it will be another long night tonight, thinking about her or not. 2005 is supposed to be a much better year for me then 2004, but is sure starting out odd. I spoke with my father, and he admits it too- we don't know anyone who really has a normal life, and especially for me, it's so unusual. Even besides Elissa, there is so much.
And the most I can do is type insignificant words into a keyboard and onto a monitor. That's all. Even as you read this, and see all the posts, I won't be able to do a damn thing. Just sit here, and wait for something.
So, thanks for humoring me.......
..................................................
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