Sgt. Fox's Lonely Hearts Club Band

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unforgettableFOXfire

I serve MacPhisto
Joined
Sep 20, 2001
Messages
2,053
Normally Id post this in my journal, but since dealing with the issue of loneliness in a personal journal that noone reads doesnt help to allay the issue in any way, its in here.

I dunno what it is. Maybe its the air. Maybe its the weather. Maybe its the fact that one of my friends is engaged with his American girlfriend of 3 years. Maybe its the realisation that I was just being humoured when people said 'oh dont worry, youll find someone when you get to university, just give it a chance'. Maybe its that those who are the better of my friends all have someone and I dont, and I get the same consoling 'oh well youre a good guy, its just a matter of time' from each of them; the ones who blame me for being idealistic at times, but yet seem to think that the world is ideal enough to hand me something beautiful just because Im a 'good guy' - beautiful not being purely aesthetic beauty, but the entire scope of beauty.

I have love, but I have no object of love, and as such I have emotional overflow with no outlet... and thats not an easy thing to deal with... theres so much beauty in the world, and yet its other people who make things ugly by failing to appreciate things for what they are and arent...

I dont know what to think of love... is it just a psychological means to justify sex as a way to subvert our animal instincts as rational beings? or is there truly a love as I want to believe there is and dont want to miss out on, in my 0.0000000074% of existence... A love wherein a comprehensive and unspoken understanding and trust underlies a symbiotic and inexplicable and totally irrational bond that results in those ever-so delightful warm joyful feelings that pulse through the very core of ones being.

And how, having known those feelings, can one continue on without them, without being crushed in the infinite sadness of losing that one true and rare connection - even with everything else to appreciate, how can one still be that happy without any way to supplement the loss and again be a whole without sorrows; when their stone turns to sand, how will they keep from sliding? How can I stop my sliding.

I dont even know anymore, to be perfectly honest, what I even think I want... I dont even care what I want. I just dont want to want. I dont want to feel anymore. Im tired of feeling. Feeling anything short of happiness isnt living. Im tired of thinking. Thinking about feeling doesnt make feeling stop.

All I know is that no matter how nice, how pleasant, how much effort or energy I put in, at the end of the day I still havent any more friends than I had before, and at the end of the day Im still coming home and sitting in my room alone reading and fucking around on the computer.

Feh... who knows... surely not me... :sigh:


Anyone and everyone, join the club. Membership is free. There will be cake every Tuesday, lounge singers every Wednesday, and professional shoulders to cry on every hour on the hour. And by everyone, I mean coupley people are not allowed.

Bleh.
 
I'm sorry Foxy. :(

All I can think is, "Looking for to fill that God-shaped hole..."

You may not see that in what you posted, but it's blaring to me :hug:
 
Hmm... well, thanks for your replies... Im not quite sure whether or not to agree with you, at least in part, about the searching for God idea... I am doing that as well, in my thinking, but even when I put aside all my greivances with the organized church and persue my own faith on my own terms, I still have trouble discerning what it is exactly that I believe in. Okay, well, I know full well what I believe in, but rather how I can make sense of it when put into the context of life. I have my convictions and paradigms, my limits that I cannot alter or cross, but as much as I try to believe, theres always a small part of me that simply cannot get through all the blatant contradictions between what youre supposed to do and what youre not supposed to do - It just frustrates me when trying to consider the idea that if youre not part of the answer youre part of the problem, when you tolerate youre in a way condoning other people's "wrongdoings", yet we're told 'judge not lest ye be judged', and do unto others as you would have them do unto you. It seems to be a paradoxical loop when trying to be 'good', that if you tolerate then youre actively choosing to passively allow others to sin, even though everyone sins anyway and theres not much that can be done to change that, but yet if you are not tolerant of their faults then you are asking to not be treated with tolerance and ultimately are judging where its not your place and are inviting others to judge likewise and perpetuating the problem further.

By and large, I know and am mindful that love for Jesus and the 'appology' (for lack of a better word, cause my head is cluttered and thus my vocabulary is not what it ought to be) for sins and desire for forgiveness leads down the path of redemption. However, my own mortality troubles me in that sense, in conjunction with the above, because it feels like Im just wasting time, that Im failing to do anything of value with what Ive been given, that simply 'being good' just isnt good enough... I find it hard to believe that we've been given all this beauty and wonder simply for the sake of having life beat us around until we die as if it were some pithy form of hazing to root out the weak and grant us passage to paradise; it just doesnt sit right with me that all I have to do is love Him and live in the spirit of His word and no more is necessary.


Perhaps my problem lies in the idea that Ive grown up with, always leave things cleaner than when you found them, always leave them better for the next people to enjoy... I have absolutely no idea how I expect to help everyone else when I cant even help myself...


In philosophy today we talked of Plotinus, and from him Acquinas, and a discussion about the existence of God... The miracles that give proof that theres more to living than simply being alive; 1. that there is something rather than nothing (in terms of the universe actually existing), 2. that we know there is something rather than nothing, and 3. our capacity to celebrate that knowledge and explore each of its facets in trying to understand why these things all came to pass.

Suffice to say, its blown my mind utterly, just thinking about all this.


That still doesnt help me feel less alone though... it doesnt cure my lack of any human contact, it doesnt cure my stupid rationalizations that theres something wrong with me that causes my virtual (but not literal) isolation, but feh... like I said... Im tired of thinking, and Im tired of feeling. Anyone want to borrow my brain for a while?

:sigh:x2
 
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