I started cutting when I was about 14. I'd already been placed on a popular antidepressent, for depression/anxiety, although I'd never hurt myself before. Unfortunately, the drug was too strong, and I was left feeling numb and robbed of my emotions. I couldn't cry anymore, but what was worse, I couldn't laugh either. I was miserable. I started cutting myself on my ankle, and later my thigh. It was therapeutic for me, and seemed to take me away from myself. I didn't cut deep, and it didn't hurt much, but it was enough for me to release my pent-up emotions.
Later when I was off the medication and had my emotions back, I found that whenever I got upset, I was overcome with a strong desire to hurt myself. I have anger issues, I guess, but when I get mad at other people or situations or whatever, I just turn it all inward and get mad at myself, and so I continued to hurt myself in those situations. It wasn't always cutting. I would slap my thighs and dig my nails into my skin and pull at my hair and bite my knuckles. Anything to bring a burst of pain.
You're absolutely right that it's a chemical reaction in your brain. This is scientific. You hurt yourself, and your brain releases those feel-good endorphins to lower your blood pressure and lessen the pain. It's an automatic response to injury. It's the same reason why when you stub your toe, it hurts really bad at first, but within a minute it stops entirely. My mom always said it was like your brain was giving you a shot of morphine.
It's addicting. Once you figure out that cutting yourself (or hurting yourself in general) is going to make you feel better when you're emotionally upset, you're going to always want to go for it. For the same reason that other people might turn to drugs or alcohol to soothe themselves.
And in that sense, I deviate from the norm in that I don't think self-injury is
omgsowrong. It makes a lot of people uncomfortable, and it is entirely too frequently associated with suicide (yes, some people slit their wrists to kill themselves, yes, some people that cut themselves are suicidal, but cutting by itself is necessarily a suicidal activity, I have
never been suicidal), but I never really felt ashamed for doing it. It was just my way of dealing with myself. To me, it was preferable to taking a valium in order to achieve the same sense of calm.
I never cut deeply, I kept my cuts clean, and there was no danger to it. But even though I was not ashamed of it, I kept my cuts hidden simply so I didn't have to deal with other people's misinterpretations. It actually pissed me off how
against it some people were when they found out. There was an anything-but-that attitude about it. Some would prefer that I continue hitting myself and pulling at my hair, rather than bring anything sharp near my skin. To me, self-injury is self-injury, why should cutting be so much more taboo?
I'm 22 now, and my cutting probably got the worst in my late teens. Around age 18-19 or so. By then I was cutting my left wrist exclusively, and hiding the cuts with bracelets. I've since stopped. It's been just over a year since the last time I actively cut myself, but before that, it had gotten few and far between. I think I've stopped for a number of reasons. My quality of life is generally better, I have better control over my emotions, and I've gained some control over myself in general. But the urge is still there. Just yesterday, I got pissed off and started slapping my thighs before I realized what it was doing. Several weeks ago, I was upset, and found myself clawing at my forearm with my fingernails. And when I get really upset, I still find myself thinking about dragging a blade across my wrist. Like any other addiction, there are
cravings, but I just have to force myself to
not reach for that razorblade, and instead find a distraction until the bad feelings pass.
I feel as though I should add a big disclaimer here though. I sort of have a nonchalant coldness about my own struggles with self-injury. I don't require hugs or sympathy or empathy, and I certainly don't need anybody worrying about me. It's not a big deal to me at all. It's just another facet of who I am. I'm not proud of it, but I'm not ashamed of it either. What I'd really hate is to see anyone thinking differently of me after having read this post. I'm still the same kooky whore you knew and loved before you knew these things about me
And Jase, if anybody wants to fuck with you because they've read this thread, well then just send them my way. I've been through the fucking wringer called life, and I'd be damned if I let some prick on the internet get under my skin because they've got nothing better to do. I've got a mean streak, and I'm not afraid to use it to defend myself, or you, or anybody else like us that needs defending.
Or is it more a method or replacing the "bad" pain with a "good" pain? like a controlled pain you have power over?
It makes me really disappointed in humanity (way to go yet again, Interference!) to see people making comments about "true" self-injurers and "fakers." It's not a competition.
