Secure insecurity?

[JanuaryStar]

The thread title may seem a little paradoxical to you, well, I guess in a way it is.

Everyone in their lives, men and women alike, all run into some insecurity issues at some point. Whether it be about appearances, at work, in a relationship, over smaller things... And then when we feel at our 'weakest' we can sometimes somehow find strength in other things again, to regain some sort of balance.

My question to you is, when you face/d insecure feelings, about yourself or some aspect of yourself, what is it that you do to regain that security and confidence again? Maybe you developed some sort of strategy over the years to not let insecurity affect you that much? Or do the insecure feelings affect you so badly that you stay in some sort of loophole? Did you feel you first had to 'overcome' something to regain your confidence?

I'm interested in all of your views on this, so if you have some time to shed a little light on the topic, please do so

 

[financeguy]

Well, all I can say is though I do not identify as an objectivist, but there is one quote from Ayn Rand I keep coming back to:

"I swear by my life and my love of it that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine." — Ayn Rand (Atlas Shrugged)

 

[Screwtape2]

I think I get out of most insecurities by reminding myself that I don't know everything and that misconception and misunderstanding are constants in life. I will admit though that some insecurities have to be proven wrong. The struggle was worth it when they are.

 

[LemonMelon]

Even if your title is paradoxical, it grabbed my attention; my limited journalistic training assures me that it served its function.

I'm sure my posts indicate as much, so it should come as no surprise that I am a very insecure human being that regularly indulges in self-depreciation (no wonder Annie Hall and I got along so well). I can't pinpoint a specific incident that cemented this in me, but I have wrestled with it since childhood. There have been peaks and valleys; there were periods 5-10 years ago when I could barely function unless I was achieving well past the expectations of others (clearly, that's no longer a handicap, although overachieving remains a crutch). Recently, I've started to lose confidence in myself in a major way. College applications, moving out, generally getting on with my life...it's all really overwhelming, and I've lost my footing. I think this is something I'll simply have to ride out until I realize that I have control over my circumstances.

As far as solving it is concerned, I have no recommendations. The love of those I care about, perspective and my own workhorse mentality help to alleviate it and help me get by, however. I don't know how I would get up every morning without those. Without something to do. I think some people are just wired up in such a way that they can't accept love unless they feel they've earned it, and I think I have a bit of that in me. Keeping that in mind, I feel the best thing you can do for people in that situation is to support them, not to rewire them. Simply telling someone they're wrong is never enough; you need to show them affection and care in spite of themselves, and that will, at the very least, give them the self-confidence to carry on. Best case scenario? They rethink their position entirely.

I'm growing pessimistic that one can do that fully. But never underestimate what mild success can do for a fragile ego; a little encouragement, a goal achieved can keep someone upright for a good, long while. And that, I suppose, is what your purpose is in the lives of these individuals. And if you're afflicted by it yourself, pick someone else up. We have to carry each other.

Now, break out your cellphones and tell someone they're worthwhile. I'll go demean someone else in EYKIW.

 

[KhanadaRhodes]

i was never insecure until i moved here. i'm still not completely over everything and probably never will be, but what's helped is time. that, and being around positive people. people who can recognize and appreciate aspects of your personality. not necessarily people who stroke your ego or anything, but just people who don't see you as a useless piece of shit.

 

[redhotswami]

You have to get to a point where you realize insecurity is not reality, it is your own warped, biased perspective. I'm not saying at all that it is invalid, because it was obviously triggered by past experience. What I am saying is, you are your own worst enemy. You are the hardest on yourself...we all are to ourselves.

Again, that comes from our own limited perspective. I have my own insecurities, too, but when I see they start bothering me, I have to remind myself that there is a world out there that is bigger than the world within. Most likely, in my case, people are too wrapped up in their own personal business to see my faults as apparent as I see them.

Sometimes, for me, all it takes is an ego check. I gotta tell myself that I'm really not that important of a person. I'm one of billions. We all have our problems, and when there is opportunity to face them and improve myself and work towards my ideal, then I focus on that, because it's a lot more productive than beating myself up over it.

Anyway, whatever it is you're going through, I hope you get through it! All the best

 

[Galeongirl]

I have a pretty big mouth and I'm very strong. Good luck to people trying to break the wall around me to get to my insecurities. They're locked up pretty tight and only those close to me know how to trigger it.

 

[Pearl]

The way I deal with my insecurities is by the old fashioned pep talk. If I say I can't do something, I coach myself saying I can. I also look back on moments when I did do something right to remind myself that yes, I can do X, Y and Z.

Some say its best to not care what people think, but I think to an extent you have to be aware of how others see you. Because I believe if you turn deaf ears to what others think, you'd become arrogant, egotistic and clueless, and a lot of shit could happen.

 

[cobl04]

usually sleep can work best for me. i have my days we're i'm feeling pretty down but i surround myself a bit with things i like or enjoy, i try to be doing something so as to not listen to my brain (this is why i cook sometimes. it kills an hour or so and it can be enjoyed by more than one afterwards). but "sleeping it off" works usually for me. i'll get worked up about something, and then the next day it never bothers me as much.

i also remind myself a lot that there's always someone out there who has it worse than me. i'm not the first and won't be the last. i'm never, ever outwards about it either, (unless it's a really close friend, counsellor or parent.) because no one wants to hear about it, no one enjoys a sook, a negative person so i thrown on the positive persona. that's something i learnt too, it's a mind thing, and if you want to pick yourself up the best way is to often just force yourself to be positive.

 

[cobl04]

one final thing i meant to add - whenever you're feeling down, just remember. you were once the fastest sperm.

 

[Galeongirl]

one final thing i meant to add - whenever you're feeling down, just remember. you were once the fastest sperm.

Consider yourself sigged mate.

 

[Saracene]

Most of my insecurities stem to my childhood/adolescence/early 20s, and I quite often find myself reverting to the behaviour and thinking patterns from years ago. There are some things that I managed to get over with time, and then I find that there are emotions from years and years ago that are still very close to the surface and will just run freely if I give them room. I guess I try to monitor myself, and if I can see myself falling into the same old patterns, I try to get out of these either by distractions or having a stern word to myself and reminding that the world really does not revolve around me. Oh, and having a good night's sleep helps amazingly well.

 

[MrsSpringsteen]

Just for me personally-no other person can help with insecurities. Yes they can exacerbate them and even create them..but ultimately they're your own jail cell and only you have the key. Looking to any another person to solve any of them is complete disaster.

You just have to get better and better at shutting out and ignoring toxic people and toxic aspects of yourself. You are definitely correct-the more self work you do on it the stronger you become. Insecurities dealt with properly and kept in the proper perspective just show what is human about us-vulnerability- and that has it's own attractiveness and can and should make you humble. And for me that's a very good and necessary thing. I think it also makes you more sympathetic and empathetic towards others.

 

[JanuaryStar]

Wow, this thread has gotten so much more responses already than I'd expected

Thanks to everyone for sharing all of your insightful reactions. I know insecurities are usually about a certain mindset, certain things you hold for reality which are obviously not. The sad thing is, though, when they are fed by something much deeper (aka youth, roles of persons, developments and such) it is sometimes very hard to break through them, especially if you are aware of them a lot and are know things have to be changed and are trying hard to change things yourself. Then it's not only just a simple case of 'telling yourself to get a grip', even though that can be part of the solution. Deeper, old patterns need to be broken. And I agree that that's only a thing you can finally do yourself. Loved ones around you reminding you every once in a while (or more than every once in a while) how special you are to them or just pointing something out which is good, can help in the process but won't do the final trick. You need to change your own mindset. And this comes from a girl who even finds it hard to accept compliments

With this thread, I was just curious of how other people deal with insecurity stuff themselves. It shows, just like I expected, that everyone needs a different approach. What helps for one, doesn't help for others. But there are some general things which are prominent for all, and I think the main thing is that some insecurities are unfounded and not reality. The only one who can finally break through (with the help of others, I may add), is you.

So, thanks again for all of your perspectives!

 

[Bono's shades]

I wore my insecurities on my sleeve when I was younger, and developed a hard shell to cover them up when I got older - which created a whole new set of problems I'm now trying to get past.

 

[JanuaryStar]

I wore my insecurities on my sleeve when I was younger, and developed a hard shell to cover them up when I got older - which created a whole new set of problems I'm now trying to get past.

This is exactly the problem I'm also facing and trying to tackle. Good luck with it though, hope you can find a way.

 

[Galeongirl]

If you don't mind me asking, what problems did you get by having a hard shell? Sofar I haven't encountered any yet, just want to know what to expect.

 

[last unicorn]

I tend to be very insecure in human relationships. I can be great at my job, at all the things I do for a living, in interacting with my students, in communicating with people over the internet, but when it comes to being close to other people or allowing others to come close to me, I just don't know how to act and it leads to all sorts of problems. I tend to distance myself from people I like just because I'm afraid of being rejected, I put on a hard face and act as if the distance doesn't bother me, but it does and I cannot show it. It's hard for me to be sure about how much closeness and how much distance is right for me, I think about it a lot and it sometimes bothers me very much. It's hard for me to show emotions in face to face situations with other persons, I usually don't open up, even though I'd love to do so sometimes. It's hard for me to get emotionally involved with other people. Most people think that I can handle life very well because I tend to be very good at the things I'm doing, but my insecurities are certainly there and I tend to hide them from everyone most of the time. The only times when I'm really open about my fears and emotions is when I'm writing.

 

[Bono's shades]

If you don't mind me asking, what problems did you get by having a hard shell? Sofar I haven't encountered any yet, just want to know what to expect.

It makes me seem unapproachable and closed-off. It makes it harder for people to treat me like a doormat, but it also makes it harder for me to make friends (something I've always had a hard time with anyway, but now it's even more difficult).

 

[JanuaryStar]

If you don't mind me asking, what problems did you get by having a hard shell? Sofar I haven't encountered any yet, just want to know what to expect.

It makes me seem unapproachable and closed-off. It makes it harder for people to treat me like a doormat, but it also makes it harder for me to make friends (something I've always had a hard time with anyway, but now it's even more difficult).

Exactly what Bono's shades said. For a long time it seems all nice and comfy and safe inside the hard shell, until there's people out there who care so much about you and want to come closer. Then it's not so comfortable anymore, because you can either try to open up the shell to let them in (if only small steps at a time), or they will eventually leave your life again, because they cannot reach deeper levels with you and feel you are distant. And 'deeper levels' may sound a bit vague here, but I mean relationships or friendships. There just comes a point where loved ones bump into the wall you built around you, and that hurts them a lot, and yourself in the end as well. Getting to your emotions is tough, but something which will help so much more in life.

I tend to be very insecure in human relationships. I can be great at my job, at all the things I do for a living, in interacting with my students, in communicating with people over the internet, but when it comes to being close to other people or allowing others to come close to me, I just don't know how to act and it leads to all sorts of problems. I tend to distance myself from people I like just because I'm afraid of being rejected, I put on a hard face and act as if the distance doesn't bother me, but it does and I cannot show it. It's hard for me to be sure about how much closeness and how much distance is right for me, I think about it a lot and it sometimes bothers me very much. It's hard for me to show emotions in face to face situations with other persons, I usually don't open up, even though I'd love to do so sometimes. It's hard for me to get emotionally involved with other people. Most people think that I can handle life very well because I tend to be very good at the things I'm doing, but my insecurities are certainly there and I tend to hide them from everyone most of the time. The only times when I'm really open about my fears and emotions is when I'm writing.

I can understand your feelings very well. I've had the same for a very long time. I hope sometime you can get past the insecurity, because people will still take you for who you are, even if you show those deeper layers. You are a wonderful person, don't ever forget that

 

[Galeongirl]

I see. I guess I'm pretty lucky then with understanding friends, and I'm a good actor if you will. For people I don't know I can put up a sort of mask that seems I'm very social.. and it's not even that far from the truth, I just don't talk about insecurities or personal issues. It took me a long time to get me able to talk about stuff with strangers, as I used to be very shy due to all the bullying. But now it seems okay. It does take a while before I can truly trust someone as my friend and let them in. I don't have that many people who know the whole truth about me, only about 2 know about my insecurity problem. I don't think the rest needs to know it anyway.

 

[last unicorn]

I can understand your feelings very well. I've had the same for a very long time. I hope sometime you can get past the insecurity, because people will still take you for who you are, even if you show those deeper layers. You are a wonderful person, don't ever forget that

It's still easier for me to speak in front of 200 people than it is to talk to one single person, especially when it's getting personal. Since I was a child I've felt that I can express myself so much better with writing. It's a big issue for me, but it's something I'm working on and sometimes I really feel it's getting better. These are the moments I really appreciate.

 

[Purplereign]

hey beautiful girl . . . don't want you to think I'm ignoring you . . . been hella busy here. . .am going to run away and think some more and get back to you okay . . really interesting topic and kudos to everyone who has opened up and shared. . .

 

[AtomicBono]

I'm an extremely insecure person. I'm totally uncertain about my future. I'm paranoid that my friends will suddenly decide they don't like me anymore. I worry I'm always going to be alone. I'm a perfectionist, but I don't live up to my own standards. I get upset when I make mistakes in class. I'm very moody - I'll be feeling amazing one minute, and then miserable the next.

So, this is how I'm going about trying to improve myself, if you will. I don't know how much of it applies to insecurity exactly, but I think having more confidence in general can help deal with insecurity in more specific aspects.

First thing...I decided to make a list of everything I don't like about myself. Everything that leads to negative feelings and actions. This may seem counter-intuitive - getting down on yourself will only make you more insecure, right? But the way I see it is this...you can't solve a problem if you don't know exactly what it is. Finding the sources of my many insecurities was tougher than I thought, and I don't think I've totally cracked it yet. I've got the obvious ones, but the deeper things are harder to pinpoint.

The next step is to see what you can change, and what's beyond your control. Some insecurities simply aren't your fault at all. In fact, most insecurities are probably at least partially situation based. If you're insecure because you just got a new job, well, you can maybe change the way you look at it, but you can't change the fact that you just got a new job. Insecurity is inevitable in life.

So - I made a list of things/behaviors I don't like about myself and what negative consequences they lead to. Then I figured out all the ways I could change these behaviors and feelings.

For example... I'm insecure about my appearance. So I'm going to eat healthier, exercise more, etc. You know, the whole healthy lifestyle thing. I've lost weight the last couple months and it makes me more confident - if I lose more weight, I'll probably be even more confident. I'm also insecure about school. Part of this is because I procrastinate and therefore don't do my work as well as I could and should. So I'm going to budget my time more wisely and be more diligent. But I also need to take a step back and realize I'm going to make mistakes and I'm not going to fail Latin if I translate three lines wrong. That's the tougher part. I think it's easier to change the way you act than the way you think.

I realize many problems are bigger than this...I'm insecure about the future...haven't quite figured out how to solve that one yet. The insecurities you're talking about probably run deeper than feeling bad about doing mediocre in a class. But I guess what I'm saying is - anything you can control to make yourself more confident and give yourself a more positive outlook, do it. Just overcoming little things can really add up, I think. Of course you shouldn't feel you have to do this all on your own. My family and friends are a HUGE source of security for me, especially my dad. If it helps to talk to people, do it... encouragement from others can help a lot.

anyway, hope this was helpful. maybe not. but it's what I'm trying for myself