Problems With An Old Friend...What Should I Do?

[Bonochick]

I graduated from high school about two and a half years ago. One of my closest friends in high school was this girl...I don't want to use her real name...cuz it's not important...so I'll just refer to her as Kelly. Now, in high school...I was basically a goody goody...I got excellent grades, and my parents liked all the people I hung out with...except for Kelly. Kelly's family had a reputation around town...her mother used to work for my mom and had to be fired and was arrested after stealing a ton of money from where they worked. After that...I was told to not hang out with her...it was the only time my parents ever told me who not to hang out with.

However...I hung out with her anyway. She drank, did drugs, hung with a bad crowd...we were an unlikely pair. I liked her a lot though, and she liked me. We did a lot of things together...I have lots of great memories of fun times we've had. If anything was ever really bad though, I would stand up for myself and not do it. For example, she once wanted me to stash alcohol in my car and drive it to a party for her...but I refused, even though she got pissed off and hollered at me...I stood my ground. Eventually, she apologized, and things were fine. There were also some other bad moments...she got really drunk once and locked herself in the bathroom, threatening to overdose on pills. There were other people at her apartment, but everybody was drunk except for me, so I busted into the bathroom to stop her. She beat me up and threw knives at me. After she sobered up thoug, she said she was sorry. Kelly had tons of problems, and I don't think she could help them...so I didn't want to hold things against her. Push come to shove, we were best friends...and we DID have good times together.

I hadn't heard from Kelly after we graduated until recently. She called me...said she was now living several states away with her boyfriend and was 2 months pregnant. She sounded so happy...I was so overjoyed to have found my long lost best friend. However, I just got a call tonight from her...and she is leaving her boyfriend and moving back home. I was listening to them fight...to her telling me how she tells the bill collectors to fuck off...hearing her boyfriend calling her a whore and me a bitch. Kelly was so nice to me though...and she talked about hooking up with me sometime to hang out like we used to.

My dad is upset that I'm talkin to Kelly again. He said that I am 20 years old and can do what I want...but he really does not want me to get mixed up with her again. It's hard though...she's done shitty things to me, but she really has a lot of problems. I've considered her my best friend, and I worry about her and care for her a lot.

I'm not sure what to do.

What do you guys think?

 

[BAW]

I'm sorry but I had to go with the second choice. She can't be a friend to you until she gets her act together and you don't need her dragging you into her mess. You will be the giver and she will be the taker...it should be 50/50.

You may feel differently but that's how I see it. I have someone very much like this in my own family and without going too much into detail, I've had to let her go completely. I can't help her...she needs to help herself.

 

[Sicy]

I chose the second one too.

 

[Stories for Boys]

I'm sorry but I had to go with the second choice. She can't be a friend to you until she gets her act together and you don't need her dragging you into her mess. You will be the giver and she will be the taker...it should be 50/50.

You may feel differently but that's how I see it. I have someone very much like this in my own family and without going too much into detail, I've had to let her go completely. I can't help her...she needs to help herself.

i think that this is very true, but maybe you can help her by advice and tough love...if that makes any sense...

 

[daisybean]

I had to go with the second choice too...I'm sorry, but she's an adult and is going to have a baby, and I sure hope for the baby's sake that she is not doing drugs. Plus it sounds like she is a mean drunk, which is not good for you, her, or the baby on the way.


I used to have a friend like that, the one my parents hated, but we had some good times together, but in hindsight my parents were right. I thought I was being a friend to her when I would do things she would ask me to (like drive her around, loan her money, etc..). However, I realized that when I was in need, she couldn't be bothered with my problems. She only wanted me around for what I could do for her.

I really do hope that she does have her life together, but if she acts the same as she did in school, she has more problems than you can help her with.

 

[Sparkysgrrrl]

I guess I'll be the differing voice here, I choose the first one.
You haven't even been around her for over 2 years, and you've only had phone contact a few times, that's really not enough for *me* to warrent blowing it off as it being the same old Kelly.
I would make another decision after she's been back in town and see what things are like then.

Most of my friends when I was your age were like that, and I loved and helped them as much as I could, and I'm glad to say that years later, they've all straightened themselves out and are having good lives...You never know what you might miss out on if you ditch a friend before getting the whole picture.

 

[Hewson]

Well since I still can't vote in polls (you'd think for 12 bucks that problem could be sorted out), I'll just put my 2 cents in:
It sounds as if Kelly has some major problems/issues. I wouldn't say to blow her off, but I'd be very careful around her. She doesn't sound like too great a friend, beating you up after you try to help her, getting mad after you won't transport booze for her. Just cause she apologizes later when sober, she sounds like the stereotypical alcoholic. I think she needs help, and you should be leery of what she may want from you suddenly after 2+ years. Tread carefully.

 

[nbcrusader]

I agree with Hewson. Be available to listen, but be ready to keep a safe distance. Set some ground rules with her about helping her - that you will not enable her harmful behavior. See if she really wants to "get on the right track", what ever that may be.

 

[oliveu2cm]

Number 2.


Take care of yourself Bonochick. I've had to say goodbye to some abusive friends in the past (abusive emotionally), who took far more than they gave. There comes a point where we have to realize there is only so much we can do, and by saying goodbye we are not abandoning them, just giving them "tough love," plus taking care of ourselves.

 

[oliveu2cm]

and not to be a sourpuss..

I hadn't heard from Kelly after we graduated until recently.

To me this throws up flags of "fair weather friend."

 

[Bono's shades]

I think you should talk to her and encourage her to get help, such as joining AA if she is still drinking. But be very careful - don't let her borrow money or impose on you.

I hope everything turns out OK.

 

[meegannie]

I think you should try to help her, but just be a little cautious and don't let her take advantage of you.

 

[ghetofabu]

I guess I'll be the differing voice here

Note look of surprise on face ------>

 

[CannibalisticArtist]

you knew your friend is like this and in some weird way, you probably liked her the way she was which is why you befriended her.
if you still like her go with 1, if not go with 2. i would choose 1.

 

[Sparkysgrrrl]

Note look of surprise on face ------>