For Honor
Rock n' Roll Doggie VIP PASS
You know how some people say that you should hold on to old love letters, etc?
I don't know, I don't think I can. By accident, I came across some recently, and since then, I'm just a little shaken. I suppose finding them, paired with talking to her again, (we're still friends, we still care a lot about each other....... but I'm not going into the situation, because it doesn't matter at all.), I suppose that was too much mind food for me.
I don't like whinning about things like this, but I think this thread might actually help, if I just write this and get it out and over with. To just admit that it is difficult, and it is hard for me. And it's so silly, so typical, so cliche almost. But..... I can't think about love without thinking about her. I can barely think about sex without thinking of her, and we are both virgins, mind you. I know part of moving on is at least telling your mind that someone isn't as important as they seem, or that indispensible, or whatever. But it's hard.
This is why I know there is love, at least in my world, or my life, for me. Because I honestly felt that there was no such thing. I refused to believe it, and now I can't deny that it exists.
Anyhow...
As far as the letters/emails/etc, I had to get rid of them. I know it would be nice to look at them a long time from now or whatever, but right now, I can't. I'm too "smart", as in, I'd subconsciously give in to them, and rationlize some reason to see them again, blah blah...
It hurts.... when..... I do talk to her, and we have really nice conversations, but I know that's only as far as it can go, because... because that's just how it is. I'm not going to answer any questions about our relationship, but I will say that it ended peacefully, and probably for the best, since we are so young, and can't really progress with it, at the moment at least. ANd I really do think that is the best thing for now, since we.... we'd be so much for each other that we'd probably interfere with things.
Anyhow...
I can't believe myself sometimes. I know I'm damn callous, and cold sometimes, and I don't mind that at all. But when it comes to ... special relationships... I..... can't bear to hold my feelings back. I do, I hold them back, but it's such an incredible pain to not tell someone how you feel about them, or how much you want to be with them, etc...
But at the same time, I do, because I know that it's no good to bring it up for her, or for me, either. It would hurt her, too, just like it is to me now. And I don't like when people cry, especially... obviously, those I care about vastly.
So yeah...
It is difficult
But that's okay, that's ..... how it's supposed to be, it seems.
It's funny, we have both reacted in the same way - not really wanting to get involved with relationships at the moment. (with other people). For me, it has a lot to do with
a: I'm going away to college in January
b: I don't want to get involved at the moment, because, obviously, I'm not over her completely.
Or at least, enough to feel comfortable with someone else.
(and also, I know I'm tremendously spoiled, because she had so many fine qualities that I look for in a girl, in a woman, in a girlfriend, and in .... other forms of commited relationships). I hope I don't torment myself by remebering, and comparing. But I don't think I would, because that would be rude. But in my head, I know it will be there..........
I guess that's all for now, or at least, this post.
"It's just a moment, it's time will pass"
Perhaps my favorite functional U2 lyric...
But I'm.... going to accept this moment, and experience it, and let myself know it and move on when the time comes. Accept the hurt, the difficulty, my tears, everything. Understand that it's alright if I do feel this way.
.......
okay, well, I feel better, I think.
I'll try to go to sleep....
I don't know, I don't think I can. By accident, I came across some recently, and since then, I'm just a little shaken. I suppose finding them, paired with talking to her again, (we're still friends, we still care a lot about each other....... but I'm not going into the situation, because it doesn't matter at all.), I suppose that was too much mind food for me.
I don't like whinning about things like this, but I think this thread might actually help, if I just write this and get it out and over with. To just admit that it is difficult, and it is hard for me. And it's so silly, so typical, so cliche almost. But..... I can't think about love without thinking about her. I can barely think about sex without thinking of her, and we are both virgins, mind you. I know part of moving on is at least telling your mind that someone isn't as important as they seem, or that indispensible, or whatever. But it's hard.
This is why I know there is love, at least in my world, or my life, for me. Because I honestly felt that there was no such thing. I refused to believe it, and now I can't deny that it exists.
Anyhow...
As far as the letters/emails/etc, I had to get rid of them. I know it would be nice to look at them a long time from now or whatever, but right now, I can't. I'm too "smart", as in, I'd subconsciously give in to them, and rationlize some reason to see them again, blah blah...
It hurts.... when..... I do talk to her, and we have really nice conversations, but I know that's only as far as it can go, because... because that's just how it is. I'm not going to answer any questions about our relationship, but I will say that it ended peacefully, and probably for the best, since we are so young, and can't really progress with it, at the moment at least. ANd I really do think that is the best thing for now, since we.... we'd be so much for each other that we'd probably interfere with things.
Anyhow...
I can't believe myself sometimes. I know I'm damn callous, and cold sometimes, and I don't mind that at all. But when it comes to ... special relationships... I..... can't bear to hold my feelings back. I do, I hold them back, but it's such an incredible pain to not tell someone how you feel about them, or how much you want to be with them, etc...
But at the same time, I do, because I know that it's no good to bring it up for her, or for me, either. It would hurt her, too, just like it is to me now. And I don't like when people cry, especially... obviously, those I care about vastly.
So yeah...
It is difficult
But that's okay, that's ..... how it's supposed to be, it seems.
It's funny, we have both reacted in the same way - not really wanting to get involved with relationships at the moment. (with other people). For me, it has a lot to do with
a: I'm going away to college in January
b: I don't want to get involved at the moment, because, obviously, I'm not over her completely.
Or at least, enough to feel comfortable with someone else.
(and also, I know I'm tremendously spoiled, because she had so many fine qualities that I look for in a girl, in a woman, in a girlfriend, and in .... other forms of commited relationships). I hope I don't torment myself by remebering, and comparing. But I don't think I would, because that would be rude. But in my head, I know it will be there..........
I guess that's all for now, or at least, this post.
"It's just a moment, it's time will pass"
Perhaps my favorite functional U2 lyric...
But I'm.... going to accept this moment, and experience it, and let myself know it and move on when the time comes. Accept the hurt, the difficulty, my tears, everything. Understand that it's alright if I do feel this way.
.......
okay, well, I feel better, I think.
I'll try to go to sleep....
