my grandfather is fucked in the head

[TheBrush]

The two things that have personally made me laugh the most I can't believe I havent mentioned (Unless I missed them when reviewing this thread).

I don't know if you all will find them amussing they might have been one of those things you kinda of had to been there.

So A while ago we were driving and this guy pulls up next to us with his radio blairing and Jaja goes nuts. he looks at me and starts off calmly then quickly turns into a screaming nutjob....

"(whispers) You know Sometimes its shit like that...that gets.....(yells) It gets me sooo Fucking Mad I just want to say Die Motherfuckers Die."

I was crying while I was driving bc I was LMAO, and I had to pull other.

Secondly this happened maybe a month or two ago, Tops had loafs of Garlic bread buy one get one free. So he bought two.....I mean why not even if it goes to waste it was free right? WRONG, Jaja is old school and we apparently can't waste anything. SO hes like how come you havent been eating this. And I told him I was on a diet (which he knew) So he tells me well thats ok then when you go to see your Mom you can take one to her. I said ok thats fine.
Well I forgot and the minute I come home He goes
"So did you go to your Moms?"

"yea"

"WTF, why didnt you take the loaf of bread?"

"(gigles), oh yea I forgot."
I laughed bc he swore and already got angry for something stupid.

"God Dammit Danny its not funny, your so fucking wasteful I can't believe it"

"well it was free so its not the end of the world, shit happens and I fucking forgot....you need to relax"

Well talking back just pissed him off more and he made like Steve Young and spiked the bread into the garbage and just screamed...

"AWWWWW BALLS!!!"

I just about pissed my pants

 

[DILETTANTE]

Thanks for the update on life with you and Jaja. You've given me a laugh that will last well into the new year. I KNOW that the next time I'm behind the wheel, I'm going to be screaming "Die M*therf*ckers, DIE". LOL

 

[smurf_sista]

Brush your jaja is funny as!

You are a really talented artist

also whats with the teapot?

 

[TheBrush]

he labels it to remind him of when he has last watered the plant upstairs

 

[smurf_sista]

ah, a nessesity in todays world

 

[pepokiss]

AWWWW BALLS

 

[Numb1075]

AWW BALLS ?!!!11@?!1

Is that what he really yelled? That is so funny, I can't stand it. I think I want to get a tee shirt made that says that.

 

[TheBrush]

I guess Its kinda like AHHHHHH BALLS

Its not like AWWW (how cute) BALLS.

Its Like AHHHH (Horseshit) BALLS.

Its kind of a catch phrase of his. I dont think it will catch on like "wheres the beef?" or "what you talkin about Willis?" but its not bad either.

 

[VintagePunk]

Comedy gold

 

[Numb1075]

Its not like AWWW (how cute) BALLS.

Its Like AHHHH (Horseshit) BALLS.

I figured as much.....that is awesome. I will try to add that catch phrase to my repertoire

Who says it won't be the next I've fallen and I can't get up of the new millenium ?!?!

 

[amerrydeath]

*makes sure to say AWWW BALLS next time the occasion calls for it*

 

[Numb1075]

it's been almost 1 month Dude......

I see you in Put Them Under Pressure.....so you ARE around....

What's new w/ Jaja?

 

[VintagePunk]

What's new is that I've added "awwwww, balls!!" to my vernacular, in honour of Jaja.

No seriously, I have.

 

[TheBrush]

Actually Ive started student teaching and really havent talked to him all that much.

We got into a crazy argument the other day over something very stupid (arguments usually are).

Im heading off to school to teach the kiddies now.....I will give an official update later tonight.

 

[Numb1075]

 

[JMScoopy]

okay heres the rundown.

i recently moved in with my gramps to be closer to work. it has been a difficult transition moving out of my home and into the attic hear. i also moved in to keep him company since his wife passed away about 4 months before i moved in. he is a nice guy and all. but strange very strange.

its best to describe him as a combination as jack nicholsons character from as good as it gets and mel gibsons character from conspiracy theorey.

hes very anal and set in his ways. he labels everything and says things to me that are very odd. i mean he literarly labels things with masking tape. like food and shit. he writes a day of the week on every bannana he buys and for what day to eat it.

I am somewhat tolerant and shrug alot of it off. However i do admit it is full watching him get pissed off.(i know im such an asshole).

what weird things does he say to me. On cnn they were taking about border control. that the bush administration was cracking down on illegal imigrants.

Gramps spouts out "they should close off the border completely....... and if they catch a mexican over here they should ship his ass to europe"(i thought all my lovely european blue crack addicts would like to here this.)

what worse he talked about writing a letter to the president. so now i would have to worry about big brother taking him during the night.

I am 22 and i was thinking about getting my ears pierced and casually told him. his response..only faggots do that. nice right. Any girl i bring over he assumes were dating and refers to them as my girlfriend. he says something to me and i usually hit him with something like "nah gramps were just having a good time" and give him a wink.

Okay heres another one when someone calls the house and he doesnt recognize the number he writes it down and doesnt answer the phone. he has a drawer full of numbers.

i could go on....but i think you all get the drift. dont really know why im postin this. just something to do i guess. i dont want to give the impression that hes an asshole or that i dont love the guy. i do very much.

actually since he started labeling everything(he did it before she died so it isnt really from the grieving process, it may have just enhanced it a bit) but anyhoo, i started labeling shit just to show him how fucked in the head he was.

I.......

-filled the sink with water and labeled a post-it note "water" and put it in the sink.LOL

-I labeled one of his bannanas thursday just as he does........but i labeled it thursday, february 7th 2034.

your gramps sounds like my kind of guy!

should ship mexicans to europe!

"only faggots do that!" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!:

 

[JMScoopy]

i have a feeling my above post will be misunderstood. what i mean is i find the stuff grumpy old men say (cause i know a few of my own) extremely amusing, it's a part of my twisted sense of humor.

no i dont think mexicans should be sent to europe.

no i dont have anything against "faggots" unless they try to hit on me or something.

 

[TheBrush]

Gramps and I havent talked alot lately. Ive been student teaching which is a lot of work. Its very fun though.

He got a parking ticket though the other day and that put a very angry bee in his bonnet. He was mother fucking everything from here to Albany. I told him that since he got the ticket while at church it was Gods way of telling him that he shouldnt go to church. He should instead stay home and worship U2 like I do. You can imagine how well that joke went over.

I personally think its messed up for a cop to be roaming through a church parking lot looking to write tickets but thats just my opinon.

This is the best thing thats happened so far. The mail came and my gramps had already taken it in the house. I instinctively check the mail box when I come home just in case he forgets to. I saw one letter in there so I grabbed it. I thought it was a new letter but it was in fact a letter that had been delivered to the wrong house and my gramps was puting it in the mailbox so the mail man could "redeliver" it.
Ok, he highlights the name and address (the street was right but the address was way off) and he writes in big letters above it "mailman can't read, need to redeliever"



I wanted to see the mailmans reaction when he read it......or apparently tried to read it. I think this will only make our mail problem worse, but its funny nonetheless.


I will check back later, Im gonna hit the hay. More updates as they happen.


By the Way Numb...thanks for your continues interest. To my Number one fan

 

[Numb1075]

Jaja & TheBrush



PS: Don't ever expect to receive your mail ever again.....remember, they like to "Go postal"

 

[4EVRU2]

An aside here:
Hey Solar, I notice you're in Croatia; what part? Reason I ask, and this might sound weird, but my father was born there (in a small village near Zagreb I believe---no, don't recall the name) but has never been back, nor have i met any of my relatives there which I'd like to; so, when I see someone from there, naturally my curiosity is piqued!!

 

[4EVRU2]

okay, gramps was cool for the first time in a long time. he made a birdhouse out of old license plates he had. even though i had heard of people doing this before i thought it was neat because he is doing something constructive. the coolness did not last long however. i went into the garage a day or two ago and WTF.......he has like a billion lawnmowers. he has at least 12. old ones too. he has a good one, but he says he takes them (when people throw them out) and likes to fix them. which is fine, i mean it gives him something to do. but i still must repeat how much of a fucked up site it is to see a dozen lawnmowers in a one car garage. he also has two snow blowers, one is a very nice toro. the other seriously has like an eight inch cut(not exagerating).


since things were semi normal, i felt it was my duty to spice things up a bit. Since i know he thinks any guy who has an earing is gay, i decided to push that particular button. now i didnt get an earing, cause he would seriously kick me out of the house. but last night i shaved my beard and dawned the handlebars. i walked downstairs with my new moustache and he did the most freaky looking doubletake i have ever seen.

he looked at me and asked....

"what are u a vevurka?"

vevurka(not sure on spelling) means squirrel in polish. which was him basically asking if i was gay. i started laughing and said

"no gramps, not yet" and started laughing more, i cant keep a straight face around him"

more updates as they become availible

-the brush

I actually heard an "accent" in my head (does he have one?) so it sounded even more hilarious....

 

[4EVRU2]

I am well, thanks for asking, and i hope you all are fine as well.

ok, things were normal except for last friday when gramps decided to throw down with a carpenter bee. these things are crazy they drill through wood and they were ruining our deck. gramps put a stop to this but it was close.


** FRIDAY NIGHT FIGHT **

Tale of the Tape

GRAMPS- Height- 5'7''
Weight 175 lbs.

CARPENTER BEE - Height 1.5"
Weight 2 ounces

ok, gramps was swearing at the thing to come down he had some wasp killer but the thing was kinda high up. It was just sitting there and it almost seemed as if they were waiting eachother out. (I was a safe distance away, LOL). That's when the bee did a cinderella man towards my gramps, the bee swarmed him(after all thats what they do). gramps falls back off the deck and drops the bug spray. He knocked it to the ground when he did while he was flailing. the only thing near him while his was on the ground were the bricks he was about to lay. so I jokingly said "kick its ass with the brick" he saw the brick and squished the bee with it. it was very violent. He hit him like three times with the brick. I found this hilarious and maybe this is one where you had to be there but it was so climatic. especially dropping the bug spray, like outta a movie or something when the good guy loses his gun and has to find a weird replacement weapon.

weekend is coming, Im sure something good is bound to happen

I'm sorry, but that was too much!! i'm a visual person and imagining this was freaking hilarious!! Exactly, like something out of a movie....

 

[TheBrush]

I actually heard an "accent" in my head (does he have one?) so it sounded even more hilarious....

When he speaks polish he has an accent though he speaks english just fine (by just fine I mean no accent).

 

[Numb1075]

AHHHHHHH BALLS

 

[jammin909]

So what is up with the 6 month absence!??

I hope all is well on the home front.

 

[redkat]

what's gramps up to now?

 

[TheBrush]

All is well and not much had happened....

I was away for a good bit out west and got a nice breather but it was good to come back and see the old fella.

Something rather humorous happened today actually.....

Gramps had a dinner to go to tonight and was runner late. He was out putzing around in the yard and came inside flying around like a bat out of hell. He was in the bathroom giving himself a "birdbath" (not enough time to shower but wanted to wash his face, pits and chest and back. I start talking to him and he interrupts me and he looks at me half naked and goes "Do me a favor"



"what???......." I go.

He hands me a soapy washcloth and says "Your uncle gave me a haircut and Im itchy, wash my back down."

I tell him "SHIT NO!"

He replies loudly.... "HEY, Im not asking you to fuck me ok, I just want you to wipe down my back is all"


I lost it, it was so funny to hear my grandfather say that to me.

----------------------------------------

It is also pretty funny to hear him talk about women (NOT ALL WOMEN!) but those whose integrity shall we say is questionable at best.

Him ans his brother speak of one in particular "Baldiga"roughly this means pig in polish, not a barn yard pig, thats "Sveenja" (spelling?). But anywho, she is a girl one of his brothers used to sleep with back in the day and they werent dating or anything. So needless to say my gramps thought this women was quite the slut and his brother was a jerk for doing this (since he was married to boot). Anyway, he will sometimes ask what I did during the day, and I will reply "I was out with Baldiga." his responses are classic....

"Hey if your gonna fuck around, you better tie a 2 X 4 around your ass so you don't fall in, shes been around man."

"That bitch is so loose her L@#!$ hang so low they look like the sleeves on a peacoat. She could sweep the floor."

-----------------

Its good to be back everyone, thanks for your continued interest.

 

[pepokiss]

 

[JMScoopy]

that last line just made my day! im gonna hafta write that one down!

 

[greeneyedgirl]

Thanks for the update!