My GF quit smoking, but I still don't believe her...

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theu2fly

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My GF said she quit smoking 1.5 months ago, or so, I believed her. Roughly though, she had some difficulty with it. I've caught her smoking, and I had found cigarettes in her pocket she had bought, and tried to hide them.

So I'm still uneasy about her smoking, and it's taking me a while to retrust her. She feels that it is a breach of her personal life, that "I can't let her live her own life," and I'm trying to control her. That's not true.

Her grandma had been diagnosed with lung cancer, and it doesn't help that her whole family smokes either. Her friends smoke too, and the friend she goes out to eat with during school smokes, so there's always this paranoia in the back of my mind that she's smoking.

My GF gets mad when she finds me looking for cigarettes, or checking receipts, as she feels is me not letting her 'have her own life' but that's not true. I just have been hurt by her lying to me about smoking, and I'm trying my best to believe her, but when I smell cigarette smoke, or see some yellow on her teeth, I worry.

What can I offer to say to her how I feel? I trust her, but I have been hurt by her lying to me -- and that was maybe 2 months ago. I don't want her to think I'm some kind of a monster, it's just that smoking is a bad thing to me, and I don't fully believe she has quit -- even though she has told me she has.
 
It sure doesn't sound like she has... your story sounds exactly like a few experiences I've had with my mother.

Unfortunately, in my experience, in situations like yours the (ex)smoker gets very defensive and they're going to see what you're doing as malicious no matter how good your intentions are.
I know this isn't very helpful... in general, a smoker isn't going to quit unless they want to, and no amount of nagging on your part is going to help.
 
MrBrau1 said:
Staying on her ass won't help. It'll just make her want to smoke.

Very true my father was like that whenever we got on him about having to stop smoking. The more we said the more he would go and sneak the cigarettes. Eventually quit on his own but not until he had done a lot of damage to his health. Know it's hard but you are just going to have to back off on your gf with this issue. Totally understandable though with how you feel especially since she has lied to you about it. Good luck :hug:
 
my best friend's been seeing a girl for a year now and they're 'madly in love etc. etc.' but he really didn't like her smoking so she said she'd give up but he did spend the following months worrying about her smoking and recently he just threw into a conversation 'So, Dave told me you're still smoking...', I suppose you could call it a 'trap' but she did suddenly let everything out and it took him a while to get over the horrible feeling that she had caused by just lying to him.

[cliche coming up] Relationships are based on trust and if you can't trust her not to smoke or she can't give it up despite the fact that it troubles you, then surely you should give the whole thing a good think. :huh:

sorry this probably helps in no way whatsoever.
 
Ive found that trying to get people to quit smoking never works, they need to do it for them.
 
I'd suggest making a decision:

If her smoking is an intolerable dealbreaker, you're probably going to have to break up with her.

If you can tolerate it enough to stay with her, then accept that she's a smoker.

Melon
 
You can't control someone else. Once you start looking through someone's things and checking their receipts you've become their mother, and that is controlling behavior.

I understand you're concerned and it's nice that you want her to be healthy but what you're doing won't work and she'll start to resent it really quick.
 
melon said:
I'd suggest making a decision:

If her smoking is an intolerable dealbreaker, you're probably going to have to break up with her.

If you can tolerate it enough to stay with her, then accept that she's a smoker.

Melon

Agreed.

You can't force her to stop. If she wishes to be a smoker, a smoker she shall be.
 
What upsets you more? That she smokes? Or that she may say things to you that aren't true?

If its the second question, that is something you and her could talk about. I could be a conversation with smoking on the side and focus more on the idea of being strait/honest with one another.
 
It sounds like you might be more hurt by her lying than the fact that she smokes? If so, fair enough. It's one thing for her to make her own choice to smoke, but to lie about it is not fair to you. If she's saying she quit, maybe she's ashamed to be smoking? In which case instead of sneaking around behind her back, you could ask her if she wants help or support quitting. If she says no, you'll have to make a choice whether or not to stay in the relationship.
 
If my wife insisted that I stopped smoking when we met then there is no way we would have ever married.

Just accept that some behavours of hers will always bug you and ease off with the pressure.
 
Um. Checking receipts is going just a bit too far, and is a breach of her personal life. It's more than a little worrisome that you don't see it that way.

You either need to decide that smoking is a deal-breaker and break up with her (though why you started dating her if smoking is such a no-no to you is odd...), or accept that she's a smoker and get over it.
 
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