my dad is an alcoholic

[EdgeIsTooSexy]

He drinks every weekend and he over does it everytime. He seriously cant handle it. And he claims he doesnt do it during the week but thats just a lie.
We dont get along at all me and my father. Its unfair not to have a relationship with your dad when youre 16. But i learned to get over it.
He always acts like I'm a disappointment and i dont know why. I dont do drugs, I dont drink, I'm not fooling around with boys. Idk how im a bad kid. And talking doesnt help either. I cant communicate with him. Thankfully college is only a year away. Maybe the time apart will do us some good....
My mom is ignorant and when i told her he needs help she doesnt listen and tells me to shutup and stop talking stupid. She is annoyed with his drinking and hates it 2 but I dont think shes willing to accept the fact he is an alcoholic.
When he drinks he becomes meaner than usual. He is verbally abusive. How could you call your own daughter a bitch to her face? i dont understand.

Is there anybody else out there who has a nonexistant relationship with their mother or father?

 

[JCOSTER]

I'm sorry that you're going through this. Unfortunately, my mom has called me a bitch to my face too. I know your alot younger than I am (40) and she had done this to me when I was little. It was only when I was on my own and bigger than she that she stopped.

Just surround yourself with alot of positive people. If you think you need help in dealing with the situation don't hesitate find a professional to talk to.

I really hope things get better for you soon.

 

[ylimeU2]

That is rough. And I know it from experience. My mom is/was an alcoholic. She has almost 10 years sobriety now, but I went years without speaking to her.

The old cliche is true, if your father doesn't accept it himself, there isn't a damn thing you can do about it. You need to look out for yourself, which is something children of alcoholics have a very hard time doing. It is hard, because you should have a good relationship with your father. But if he drinks, you can't, because then the alcohol takes over and he isn't really your father.

I would suggest going to an Al-Anon support group or at least checking out some of their literature. It really can help.

 

[Carek1230]

My father died of alcoholism. It is an illness that makes people evil. I would highly recommend the Al-Anon support to help understand it's not you, it's not your dad, it's the disease. My father was mean, verbally and physically abusive also but I had a chance to forgive him when my son was born. I warned him there would be none of that behavior around my son and it only took one circumstance for him ro realize I was dead serious. Unfortunately my father refused to get help and he let his alcoholism consume him and take his life. Don't hate your father because it is the disease that fuels him to be the way he is. You can't change him, he is the only one who can change himself. Until the time comes when he reaches for help, make sure you get some support and help yourself. Once you understand the disease it becomes a wee bit easier to understand the whole picture. Good luck.

 

[BAW]

I can't really offer you any advice over what everyone else has already said but I do know what you are going through.

And yes, for a few years I did have a non-existent relationship with my dad, my mom and my stepfather. For most of my life, they had alcohol and substance abuse problems that caused them to do and say things to me that most parents wouldn't dream of doing or saying to their kids. I left home at 17 and tried to have a relationship with them but I couldn't handle the bullying and verbal abuse when they didn't get their way so I cut myself off from them and didn't speak to them for most of my early to mid-20's.

Once they decided to get clean and sober and stick to it, we were able to be a family again and it's been awesome. I still won't let myself get too close because of what's happened in the past but we can talk now and do "normal" family stuff. Unfortunately, my dad passed away shortly after we reestablished our relationship but we had made our peace by then and I''ll never regret giving him another chance.

I hope you get some help for yourself because right now, I don't think either one of your parents is going to do anything to change what's going on and you need someone on your side. You should really look into Al-Anon.

 

[anitram]

My grandfather was an alcoholic. Much like your mother, many people around him excused his drinking and chalked it up to "that's what old men do." To her credit, my grandmother accepted it, but she was very sick in her old age and died before him. My Mom also acknowledged his problem but nobody else in our family did. In fact, an uncle of mine would take him to the pub because it made him "happy" when he got a couple of drinks in him. It was incredibly difficult to watch, to say the least.

I agree with everyone who recommended you find a support system. This is really important if your immediate family is not being particularly helpful.

Only you can decide what kind of relationship to have with your father. I have known some people who waited their entire lives to reconcile, and did so and it was wonderful. I've also known people who cut off all ties and flourished and became wonderful, accomplished people once they got rid of that albatross around their neck. It's a person-by-person decision and you know best.

You are young and at this stage in life, you need to take care of yourself first. I wish you the best.

 

[JanuaryStar]

I'm so sorry you're going through this I don't have a mother/father who excessively drinks like this and gets meaner. I do know another person who is, he gets mean and verbally abusive too, starts calling in the middle of the night etc, but that isn't the same.

One thing I want to say to you though is that you SHOULDN'T blame yourself for this! Your father has this problem, and it's not you causing it! Maybe what you said, about some time apart when you go to college, is good. Let's just hope that your father is going to realise that he is ill, and he needs help. You on the other hand have to focus on yourself right now. Good luck with everything

 

[Kiki]

if you look on the AA or Al-Anon websites you should find a contact number or email, especially through Al-Anon and they will hook you up with someone from Al-Ateen. Since you are 16 I'd suggest attending Ala-teen first. Al-Anon is usually open for those who are at the very least 18 or older, unless you absolutely can not get to a teen meeting. It's just suggested that way as the family meetings sometimes are a bit more......heavy...for lack of a better word.

At ala-teen you'd at least have people closer to your age that are going through the same things as you. I didn't deal so much with alcohol with my addict, its been other things, but I can tell you first hand....the program is wonderful. You will get a sense of hope and serenity.

Feel free to pm me if you want to know more information or if you have any questions regarding any of this. I'd be honest and more than happy to help you out. Oh, and just so you know...it is scarey the first time, but don't let anyone tell you that you HAVE to talk. You're really only required to give your first name and if you want to just sit back and listen.....do so.

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[verte76]

It runs in my family. My uncle drinks like crazy. Two uncles were alcoholics. So you have my sympathy.

 

[FitzChivalry]

I COMPLETELY understand what you are going through. You are practically telling my teenage life story!

My father is still an alcoholic to this day. I am older now (32) and on my own. But a wise, wise person once advised me to not be around my father when he is drinking. Luckily for me, not living at home, I can choose when I want to see my father. And for the most part, he drinks at night, so I usually try and go over in the daytime, and it's fine.

We've had a couple blowouts and I think he finally realized that he very well could lose me and our relationship, and that scared him very much. He finally realized he needs me more than I need him.

So I pick and choose when to be around him, and I get out as soon as he starts getting drunk.

Everything everyone has said is bullseye, right on. It is not your fault.

You cannot change your father.

Telling him he is an alcoholic or weak does not help, because he already knows he's weak and having it shoved in his face by someone he loves will only make him feel worse and hate himself more and send him to the bottle for solace.

Realize that this is who he is until when and if he changes himself, which only he can do.

Stop hoping he'll sober up or change. That only leads you to disappointment and sadness.

The evil that comes out of him when he is drunk is NOT ABOUT YOU. They are his own personal demons. It is shitty that it gets taken out ON you, but it is not ABOUT you. It is about him. Alcoholics are the most selfish people on the planet. That is the nature of alcoholism.

And take care of yourself! Make your own physical and mental health paramount. YOU are your #1 priority.

I'm sorry you have to go through this. I'm sorry I had to go through it.



Best of luck to you.

 

[EdgeIsTooSexy]

thanks 4 all of the advice. it is really hard and im trying my best to not let it bother me.
even when he doesnt drinks he's mean and im guessing thats the reason why.
its horrible to go through but ive realize theres not much i can do.
maybe i will visit a program, i think it would be a good thing to talk about it.
....it embarasses me too. i cant even have my friends over because im scared theyre going to see how my dad really treats me... i just dont want to become like him, screaming all the time.

thanks everybody

 

[VertigoGal]

alcoholism is a disease that doesn't only affect the person when they're drinking. there are a lot of issues that go along with it and a "dry drunk" can be just as awful to deal with. please try to remember that what he says is not a reflection on you *even if he says it while sober.* he is still in the alcoholism and it twists the way he relates to everyone, all the time. i think that can be the hardest thing to accept, for me at least. i hope you're able to get to alateen meetings, or else look around 12stepforums.net for the teens section. and as hard as it can be to deal with, try to keep in the back of your mind that his behavior has NOTHING to do with you, regardless of whether he's drinking at the moment.

take care & i'm always here if you need to vent.

 

[EdgeIsTooSexy]

I checked it out but there arent any alateen meetings near me. And it just got worse on Tuesday night.
Because I found out hes been smoking pot.
It just made me want to stay away from him more.

 

[struckpx]

get intervention!

 

[VertigoGal]

can you talk to a school counselor or possibly even a therapist?
it can be extremely helpful, and you'll probably end up in therapy at some point anyway (no offense meant whatsoever ), so it's better to start sooner rather than later. please don't rule it out as too expensive because there are affordable options like nonprofit counseling centers as well as talking to someone at your school like i mentioned. though it's harder in summer.

please don't give up on finding help for yourself because you are worth it, and in the end you're the only one you can really help anyway.

take care.

 

[Dismantled]

He drinks every weekend and he over does it everytime. He seriously cant handle it. And he claims he doesnt do it during the week but thats just a lie.
We dont get along at all me and my father. Its unfair not to have a relationship with your dad when youre 16. But i learned to get over it.
He always acts like I'm a disappointment and i dont know why. I dont do drugs, I dont drink, I'm not fooling around with boys. Idk how im a bad kid. And talking doesnt help either. I cant communicate with him. Thankfully college is only a year away. Maybe the time apart will do us some good....
My mom is ignorant and when i told her he needs help she doesnt listen and tells me to shutup and stop talking stupid. She is annoyed with his drinking and hates it 2 but I dont think shes willing to accept the fact he is an alcoholic.
When he drinks he becomes meaner than usual. He is verbally abusive. How could you call your own daughter a bitch to her face? i dont understand.

Is there anybody else out there who has a nonexistant relationship with their mother or father?

oh yeah. I hear ya. I'm 29 and it still bugs me to this day. My dad has been like this since the beginning. He was a big drinker and a mean drunk...he was emotionally abusive to his family with I guess you could say "minor" physical abuse....if throwing me off a porch counts as minor...anyway. He was VERY verbally abusive when drunk...and would talk about committing suicide too, it was pretty tramatic thing when you are a kid. My mom divorced him about 10 years ago, thank god. They were always on and off, it really sucked growing up like that..he had somewhere around 5-6 affairs that I know about, who knows how many others there were.

Now we have a VERY strained relationship. He should be lucky I EVEN talk to him anymore. But I do...we never have anything meanful to say to each other. I refuse to call him everyweek then he will call me and try to give me crap for not calling him...I just want to scream he's lucky I speak to him at all. Now that I've had a baby he's just really pissing me off...him and his wife of the moment have told me they want to babysit..well no way in hell is MY child going to spent 1 unsupervised second with them.

Last time I was at there house was about 3 weeks ago. His parents were visiting (some grandparents they are..NOT) anyway I had just had a baby 6.5 weeks ago, lost all the baby weight except 5lbs ...was walking towards my "grandmother" and she says..wow you've gained weight! excuse me, you haven't seen me or SPOKEN to me in 8 years and this is what you say....and my Dad never stood up for me or said anything..he was drunk. So we left..and that's the last time I spoke or saw him and I don't plan on going over there for a looong time. That's just who he is, I cannot change it. I think that is what you have to realize too...that's who your dad is and it's not going to change. It's too bad your mom isn't there to support you, your not acting or talking stupid like she is telling you...you are realizing this is messed up and she is in denial. You're kinda at a crossroad in your realtionship with your dad, you can either accept what he is doing and who he is and have a relationship that way or just try to cut him out of your life. I cannot say which is easier. My dad doesn't even feel like my dad, he's just this annoyance in my life I have to either go visit or call everyonce in a while...or at least that is the way I feel.

I know forgiveness is very big in this somewhere..I am working REALLY hard on forgiving him for everythign he's done. It's getting better and i believe it's the only way you will find peace.

Goodluck, it sucks..I understand what you're going through

 

[ylimeU2]

I checked it out but there arent any alateen meetings near me. And it just got worse on Tuesday night.
Because I found out hes been smoking pot.
It just made me want to stay away from him more.

That is totally understandable. I use to go in my room and stay there. Somedays, I only came out to go to school (if I even did that).

Alateen isn't quite as common as Al-Anon. A lot of teenagers have a hard time just getting away. Transportation was another issue. And also, there are plenty of teens out there who assume that is just the way things are and don't bother trying to get help.

That same group seldom realizes how much having an alcoholic/drug addict parent can really fuck them up for life. For that reason, you really need to have someone to talk to. Did you look into Al-Anon as well, or just Alateen? I was 15 when I started with Al-Anon because there wasn't any other option where I lived. In a way, though, it worked out, because i came with a built in transportation system, as well as some much needed support.

And if all else fails, both Al-Anon and Alateen have online "meetings" and support.



http://www.al-anon.org/grpsrvreqform.html

 

[Dismantled]

I checked it out but there arent any alateen meetings near me. And it just got worse on Tuesday night.
Because I found out hes been smoking pot.
It just made me want to stay away from him more.

jesus do we have the same dad!

I found out mine did only a couple years ago and it shocked me alittle..I also lost even MORE respect for him.

I agree with other posters..I think talking to someone would help you.

 

[EdgeIsTooSexy]

dismantled, we must have the same dad or something!
it shocked me alot and i was beyond pissed. and s/h i lost the little respect i had for him.
yeah im going to look into the other options you all suggested.

 

[Dismantled]

dismantled, we must have the same dad or something!
it shocked me alot and i was beyond pissed. and s/h i lost the little respect i had for him.
yeah im going to look into the other options you all suggested.

I swear we do.

I hope you find peace with this..it's so hard and SO unfair that a parent has to act like a total ass. It puts a lot of pressure and unnecessary crap on a child..no matter how old they are. Now that I'm a parent I could NEVER even imagine doing this to my son..ever! There has to be some serious mental issues there if you do. It's so unfair, I really feel for you.

 

[Kiki]

I checked it out but there arent any alateen meetings near me. And it just got worse on Tuesday night.
Because I found out hes been smoking pot.
It just made me want to stay away from him more.

because there arent' any ala-teen meetings you would be welcome at a Al-Anon meeting, just brace yourself, you may hear some things that you aren't ready to hear or expecting to hear. but I'd suggest still getting in contact with one. There's even an 800 number you should be able to call or a local number where they'll give you info on meetings, and the person that calls you back (best to do on a cell if you have one) will answer questions for you too.

 

[VertigoGal]

let me know if you aren't able to get to an alateen or alanon meeting, i know of some good/safe online meetings for teens where you'd be very welcome.

 

[Hinder]

Yeah, it's rough: your dad's a monster, and you can't do anything about it. It's also really difficult not to feel like you're responsible, even when you know logically that you aren't. See if there are other relatives you can live with to get away from him.

I guess I was lucky in a sense: I was raised by my mother, and my father visited only when he wanted sex. I actually told my mother to her face when I was sixteen that I didn't know why she bothered inviting him over; I certainly could have done without him. He was useless. She wanted me to know him - I did, and couldn't be bothered with him. I kinda loathed him, truthfully. I thought he was a waste of space and oxygen, to put it bluntly. I still dislike him, though he's been dead a good eight years. So, yah, it's tough. But know there are people willing to hear you out hwne it gets too hard to take on alone.

 

[FitzChivalry]

jesus do we have the same dad!

I found out mine did only a couple years ago and it shocked me alittle..I also lost even MORE respect for him.

I agree with other posters..I think talking to someone would help you.

I think we ALL have the same Dad. The difference is, my parents never tried to hide the fact that my Dad smoked pot. It was just kind of out in the open (at least within the walls of our house).

I mean, to me, it was COMPLETELY normal. I just grew up watching my Dad smoke pot, kind of like watching him wash the dishes or mow the lawn. Just something he did. I didn't realize that it really wasn't all that normal.

The thing is, he was actually really nice and mellow when he was stoned, but when he was out of it . . . OMG, what a BEAR!!! My Mom and I had to walk on eggshells when he was out of dope, and even then he was an unbearable grouch. But then he'd get some more and then he'd be all happy and lovey-dovey.

So many of the arguments my parents had when I was growing up were about pot and money for pot, etc., etc. I think I hated the stuff so much, that's why I never got into drugs. I never wanted to be like that.

My sister was born when I was just about to graduate from high school. He still smoked it for a while, but they hid it from her. Then, my Dad found Jesus Christ, and that actually compelled him to quit the pot. So my sister pretty much grew up in a pot-free household. Of course, she had to grow up in an alcoholic household. She grew up with his 1 outta 2 vices, I got the both.

I just hope she's not as f**ked up by it as I am. She seems a lot stronger than I ever was. She's got fire and feistiness. I never had that. I was/am always docile and obedient.

Parents, Granparents, they sure can fuck up a family and make it go in circle. I actually thank God, I'm gay. I think it saved me from perpetuating the cycle of abuse and self-destruction.

Who would've ever though being gay could SAVE a person!

 

[Dismantled]

Fitz..I think I am the way I am because of my dad..I saw what he did and just do the opposite. I'm sorry you went through what you did wth is with parents sometime

Plus my mom was a tough lady and I admire her alot..she was great to us no matter what she was dealing with.

 

[FitzChivalry]

Thanks, Dismantled. I just think it's sad how insecurties can just spread on down a family line.


Another thing with my situation is, unlike a lot of posts I've read in this thread, I don't really out and out hate my Dad. Yes, I hate how he took all his insecurities out on me when I was just an innocent, defenseless little kid, but there is also a lot of good to my Dad.

And I think that makes it harder for me. It would be easier if I could just write him off as a complete asshole. But I can't.

He's a good person at heart. He's ALWAYS been there for his family. And he did teach me a lot of valuable lessons about being yourself, being honest (even if he can't completely be honest with himself, he still taught that lesson pretty well), lessons about greed and materialism and what really matters in life. He's always been there for me when I have really needed him.

So with me, it's like a Catch-22. He's like my Darth Vader. I know there's good in him. The difference being, unlike Luke saving Darth Vader, I can't save my Dad. That's up to him and him alone.

I hope he does it someday. But I'm not holding my breath.

 

[EdgeIsTooSexy]

thats how i am too. im really against drugs and my friends dont understand at all. im afraid and embarassed to tell them my dad does pot. only one knows.
i cant go to alaanon meetings because i dont have a car and i couldnt lie to my parents about where im going.
i would like to do the internet thing though.
fitz i def. feel for you. no one should grow up that way.

 

[VertigoGal]

http://www.activeboard.com/forum.spark?forumID=42762

theres also a chat room and they have meetings in it every thursday and sunday. it's a good site, i used to go & probably should...



can I just add that alcoholism fucking SUCKS. as does other shit but we can stick to alcoholism for the sake of the thread. that is all. and a certain someone needs to get online and make me feel better with her infinite wisdom asap because i'm just that fucking needy and incapable of coping. and this makes sense to no one else. i know, i know, save it for the journals. :goingmental:

 

[Idun]

wow really awful stories.. there are so many people who are alcoholic and it really scares me.

EdgeIsTooSexy: I think, like the others said, that you should try talk to someone professional.. it really helps.. I've done that. And still do. Maybe you could read some books about it or something too. And if you have problems to get to the meetings because of that you need a car or don't want your parents to know anything about were you are going then maybe you could try a chat room. Or maybe call someone or send an e-mail.. Maybe you could tells omeone who knows your father and mother and maybe that person could talk to them or just help you in some way.

My grandfather and grandmother on my mothers side are alcoholics and my grandfather on my fathers side also were. I recognize alot of what you're saying from what my mother has been telling me from when she was younger, that he seemed disappointed on her and never was happy with anything she did. Actually I think he is and was disappointed of himself. I don't know, but something must have happened that made him start drink that much. And the same about my grandmother.
When I was much smaller I used to visit them and stay for a few days in their house (I really liked it because by then I didn't know they were alcoholics) and every night before dinner they drank a glass of wine and then a glass by the dinner and also after the dinner. I grew up with feeling comfortable with the smell of wine. I just thought it was normal. By then they could handle it but then it just kinda got worst and my grandfather lost his driving license. But they didn't tell me and my mother that at first. We got to know it like a few years later. And he lost his job, but that's something else. But it made him and my grandmother stay at home all days and they had alot more time to drink. When they had the job to go to they stayed kinda sharp but when they stopped working their lives also stopped. It's alot more easier to see on my grandfather that he's an alcoholic than my grandmother. My grandfather is always shaking and got very high blood pressure. But I can see it on my grandmother too and she always calls me and my mother a few hours after dinner when she's kind of drunk. It's very easy to hear it when she says one thing, and then another thing, and then she says the same thing again. My grandfather got into rehabilation a few years ago, and was sober for a few months or something but then he started again and I think it was because of my grandmother. And then there was a time when he was talking about that he woke up in the night and saw birds flying around in the bedroom, he was all gone So he went to a psychiatric clinic and got out from there with no alcohol in his body, but then he started drinking again. I thought it was very scary. Actually he don't want to drink but my grandmother is pushing him I think. She really don't think she's an alcoholic. Anyhow, she called me this evening and it's not even worth it to talk to her for very long and tell her very special stuff because she don't get the things into her head. Then it's better to talk to her some other time when she hasn't yet started the nights drinking. But tomorrow I'm actually going to go visit them, because I both like them and hate them. I hate that they still drink and can't behave like 'normal' people. But whatever.
My other grandfather, who's on my fathers side, he also drank alot I think. But I never got to know him because of that my father stopped talking to him when he was like 18 or something. They hated eachother. But one year ago when I finally started to think about that I wanted to meet him, because he's my grandfather and also an artist and I paint a lot myself too, he died. So that didn't feel very good, but now I've got over it. But I got to his funeral and I'm happy for that.
Err sorry for writing so much, it just felt kinda goodX)

Take care and hope it will get better in some way..

hugs, Ida