My Best Friend Thinks Her Husband Is Cheating

[redhotswami]

all ya'll are way off. pigeons are archaic. owls are the new black.

 

[beegee]

she has told me that she's grateful for all the posts of advice. It seemed to help her make her decision alot quicker.

I don't mean to be rude but making decisions regarding her marriage based on the opinions of a handful of strangers on a message board seems really strange to me.

 

[redhotswami]

I was speaking from the way she has addressed what SHE WANTS to do. As I have said in previous posts, she is very, very depressed and feels as if her whole world is in turmoil, which truthfully, it is. But, the only thing I have offered her is cautious advice ... as she is ready to plunge off the deep-end, honestly. She doesn't seem strong enough to handle counseling at the moment.

I really don't understand this part. Strong people don't seek counseling. Counselors want to help us make sense of ourselves and our lives and offer us support for our personal development. I think as soon as her husband returns they should go to counseling together. If he is cheating, that will come to surface through that. She doesn't need to put herself through this, and my guess is she must feel terrible at times for even having this suspicion.

 

[MsMofoGone]

Originally posted by BonoManiac
Uh....I know none of my co-workers' home numbers and vice-versa, as their cell is much more convenient because it's presumably on that person all the time. What if I need to speak to someone and they're not home? It would make sense to have their cell number. What if you're not home because you're stuck in traffic and you just left work? It would make sense that co-workers can reach you on your cell and vice-versa.

The bottom line here is that the ONLY time a co-worker SHOULD contact their boss OR the boss contact their Asst. ... is when they are unable to come to work for whatever reasons. If they are in need to contact one another because of work-related issues when the other is absent ... then they SHOULD go through their work phone number, as that is the place of business and therefore, it makes sense to call there. They can ALWAYS be reached during company hours at their place of business if they need to contact them regarding a work problem/issue. When they are going to be absent ... they can leave a detailed message on their work voice mail. The fact that her husband's cell number was given to his Asst. shows how she can call him whenever she wants to, NOT necessarily during working hours OR for work-related reasons. That is the concern here, what if she calls him, just to be able to call him ?? If the matter is NOT work-related, she has no business calling him. And by calling a cell number, his wife has no way of knowing what the conversation was as to WHY his Asst. called. Like I said, cell phones are too personal, if his Asst. called the home number, his wife could answer ... would he want that to happen ?? Probably Not !! (especially if he didn't tell his Asst. he was married) An absolutely pathetic possibility.

Originally posted by bonosgirl84
I don't mean to be rude but making decisions regarding her marriage based on the opinions of a handful of strangers on a message board seems really strange to me.

Not a problem, bonosgirl ... I said she made her decision ALOT quicker ... not that people here made it for her. My friend knew exactly what she intended to do, she was just actually happy that MOST of the responses here were leading to the SAME conclusion, that's all.

 

[MsMofoGone]

Originally posted by unico
I really don't understand this part. Strong people don't seek counseling. Counselors want to help us make sense of ourselves and our lives and offer us support for our personal development. I think as soon as her husband returns they should go to counseling together. If he is cheating, that will come to surface through that. She doesn't need to put herself through this, and my guess is she must feel terrible at times for even having this suspicion.

I can see where you're coming from, unico. But, I think my friend was torn so-ooo deeply that she just needed to take some time for herself to think. I know that isn't always the BEST option to take, especially when your life is in difficulty ... but, I know her so-ooo well that I understood the WHY she needed time away and to be with people who cared about her BEFORE seeking professional counseling. She was very disturbed at one point, it seemed that ANY little mention of her dilemma would cause her to get overly-emotional. I just couldn't see her in counseling with her husband yet, as she would have been constantly crying at every single matter discussed. She needed to recompose herself at little first, just to give her some control of what was happening (and by control, I mean that she could handle herself) so she could deal with whatever was in-store for her through counseling. Her marriage may have a possible happy resolution because of counseling ... then again, it may not. I believe she can realize this now, as before she could not. Hopefully, it will progress into a good outcome in the end.

 

[redhotswami]

I can see where you're coming from, unico. But, I think my friend was torn so-ooo deeply that she just needed to take some time for herself to think. I know that isn't always the BEST option to take, especially when your life is in difficulty ... but, I know her so-ooo well that I understood the WHY she needed time away and to be with people who cared about her BEFORE seeking professional counseling. She was very disturbed at one point, it seemed that ANY little mention of her dilemma would cause her to get overly-emotional. I just couldn't see her in counseling with her husband yet, as she would have been constantly crying at every single matter discussed. She needed to recompose herself at little first, just to give her some control of what was happening (and by control, I mean that she could handle herself) so she could deal with whatever was in-store for her through counseling. Her marriage may have a possible happy resolution because of counseling ... then again, it may not. I believe she can realize this now, as before she could not. Hopefully, it will progress into a good outcome in the end.

but that's the point of counseling. people are afraid to go because of a stigma or some sort of expectation. even if she was bawling so hard she was at the point where she couldn't stand on her own two feet, she should go (by herself or with her husband, whatever works.) that is the role of counselors. you don't need to put on a facade or have some sort of level of self control. they are trained to meet people where they are (WHEREVER that may be) and help them from there. i hope she understands that.

we are only human. we are fragile and weak and incapable of solving our own or the worlds problems alone. that's why there are people in this world who dedicate their lives to helping others.

 

[Sicy]

I don't mean to be rude but making decisions regarding her marriage based on the opinions of a handful of strangers on a message board seems really strange to me.

But there are real people being these opinions and you know it.
Sometimes a strangers' point of view is best because its completely unbiased.

 

[Kiki]

I'm not making excuses for either of them.

However, maybe it's because it's just me and two doctors and our massage therapist, but I have all of their cell phones programed in to my cell phone and vice versa.

Granted I'm the Office Manager, so if I didn't show up or something.......they make it sound like all hell will break lose, even if I take a personal day, but they don't have my home number.

I do agree that this whole assistant thing would be sending up some red flags in my mind too.

Can she find anything out about her? Like how old she is, if she's married, etc?

all ya'll are way off. pigeons are archaic. owls are the new black.

 

[MsMofoGone]

Originally posted by unico
but that's the point of counseling. people are afraid to go because of a stigma or some sort of expectation. even if she was bawling so hard she was at the point where she couldn't stand on her own two feet, she should go (by herself or with her husband, whatever works.) that is the role of counselors. you don't need to put on a facade or have some sort of level of self control. they are trained to meet people where they are (WHEREVER that may be) and help them from there. i hope she understands that.

we are only human. we are fragile and weak and incapable of solving our own or the worlds problems alone. that's why there are people in this world who dedicate their lives to helping others.

Absolutely true ... but again, I guess she needed the consolement of her friends and family first. Sometimes, that is the BEST course a person can take to start with. The counseling happens once they realize it's necessary to involve others that are NOT related to you, in order to get support from someone who is a professional and who does NOT know you personally.

 

[MsMofoGone]

Originally posted by Kiki
I do agree that this whole assistant thing would be sending up some red flags in my mind too.

Can she find anything out about her? Like how old she is, if she's married, etc?

She doesn't know how old she is, but what she does know from her husband's mentioning is ... his Asst. is married and she's hispanic.

Now, forgive me as I am NOT trying to sound judgemental ... but, sometimes hispanics say that they're married and they really are not ... they're just simply living together with someone. They think of their relationship as a marriage BECAUSE they are together sharing expenses, etc.

This also might justify why her husband can't leave his wife (if that is his intentions someday) If his Asst. is really married, not just living with someone ... maybe he hasn't won her over yet, or she too might not want to leave her husband. Who knows ?? Just some more possible inquiries.

 

[No spoken words]

Can this thread be moved to Fan Fiction?

Just curious.

 

[beegee]

Now, forgive me as I am NOT trying to sound judgemental ... but, sometimes hispanics say that they're married and they really are not ... they're just simply living together with someone. They think of their relationship as a marriage BECAUSE they are together sharing expenses, etc.

 

[redhotswami]

She doesn't know how old she is, but what she does know from her husband's mentioning is ... his Asst. is married and she's hispanic.

Now, forgive me as I am NOT trying to sound judgemental ... but, sometimes hispanics say that they're married and they really are not ... they're just simply living together with someone. They think of their relationship as a marriage BECAUSE they are together sharing expenses, etc.

This also might justify why her husband can't leave his wife (if that is his intentions someday) If his Asst. is really married, not just living with someone ... maybe he hasn't won her over yet, or she too might not want to leave her husband. Who knows ?? Just some more possible inquiries.

wtf?

 

[MsMofoGone]

Originally posted by bonosgirl84

Again, I'm not trying to be judgemental ... there are alot of hispanics at my own company who indeed live under that scenario that I mentioned. Although, it's not guaranteed that's what's happening with my friend's situation ... but, it was reason why I implied it could be possible.

 

[Kiki]

in reference to the whole counseling thing, I'll be honest, the first time we went I got sick to my stomach and had to go to the bathroom to throw up.

I learned somethings that I hadn't even thought about, granted I was pretty naive and sheltered growing up so my mind didn't even go in the direction of the questions the counselor asked and my husband was honest. The first "step" of seeking out help from a counselor is ALWAYS the hardest. You sort of break down all walls and have to rebuild the relationship. It sucks, but to be honest, it's saved my marriage.

It's brought my husband to realize what he was doing really was hurting me and really was destroying our marriage. I even had to admit to him that I'd seeked out how to go about filing for a divorce, that's how close he pushed me.

No one can tell her what to do, she has to make her own decisions and whats right and best for her. I put up with shit for quite a few years before we figured out how to fix our problems and I had alot of people asking, "why don't you just leave him? Why are you putting up with this?" Well.....because I still needed answers myself and I didn't want to give up that quickly.

I'm not saying I was right, but in my situation I am terribly happy that I did stick it out. Granted I do think about, If I had to go through all of that again, to get where we are today----would I?
and.......yeah.....sad thing is I just might. At least now I have answers and I know that everything's taken care of, I know what to look for in the future if things go funny again, and I have a decision made of what I'd do and just how long I'd stick around.

My heart really goes out to your friend.

 

[Sicy]

Er whether or not she's married or living with someone, its still wrong.
I dont really see how that or the fact that she's hispanic has anything to do with the issue of cheating.

 

[No spoken words]

Again, I'm not trying to be judgemental ... there are alot of hispanics at my own company who indeed live under that scenario that I mentioned. Although, it's not guaranteed that's what's happening with my friend's situation ... but, it was reason why I implied it could be possible.

You don't sound judgemental, don't worry. You just sound ignorant.

 

[MsMofoGone]

Originally posted by Kiki
in reference to the whole counseling thing, I'll be honest, the first time we went I got sick to my stomach and had to go to the bathroom to throw up.

I learned somethings that I hadn't even thought about, granted I was pretty naive and sheltered growing up so my mind didn't even go in the direction of the questions the counselor asked and my husband was honest. The first "step" of seeking out help from a counselor is ALWAYS the hardest. You sort of break down all walls and have to rebuild the relationship. It sucks, but to be honest, it's saved my marriage.

It's brought my husband to realize what he was doing really was hurting me and really was destroying our marriage. I even had to admit to him that I'd seeked out how to go about filing for a divorce, that's how close he pushed me.

No one can tell her what to do, she has to make her own decisions and whats right and best for her. I put up with shit for quite a few years before we figured out how to fix our problems and I had alot of people asking, "why don't you just leave him? Why are you putting up with this?" Well.....because I still needed answers myself and I didn't want to give up that quickly.

I'm not saying I was right, but in my situation I am terribly happy that I did stick it out. Granted I do think about, If I had to go through all of that again, to get where we are today----would I?
and.......yeah.....sad thing is I just might. At least now I have answers and I know that everything's taken care of, I know what to look for in the future if things go funny again, and I have a decision made of what I'd do and just how long I'd stick around.

My heart really goes out to your friend.

Thanks Kiki

The next time I hear from my girlfriend, I'm gonna tell her about your post, as I know she's happy that so many here are concerned for her well-being that hopefully she can work this out with her husband. I'm glad for the solid, concrete advice ... by all means, it is very much appreciated.

 

[snowbunny00774]

You don't sound judgemental, don't worry. You just sound ignorant.

I'm gonna get that pigeon to bring ya a box a chocolates. Life is like that ya know

 

[Kiki]

any time MsMofo.



I know alot more than just "hispanic" people that say they're married and they aren't too. It's becoming more of a common thing in this day and age, the so-called common law marriage.

 

[MsMofoGone]

Originally posted by Sicy
Er whether or not she's married or living with someone, its still wrong.
I dont really see how that or the fact that she's hispanic has anything to do with the issue of cheating.

Originally posted by No spoken words
You don't sound judgemental, don't worry. You just sound ignorant

Not implying ignorance ... only implying what I know because of people at my own employment. The fact that there are alot of hispanics at my work who say "I'm married' or "Yeah, my husband and I have been together for 3 years' ... and then you find out they're only living together with someone with no marriage commitment. It says that they assume it's a marriage because they share alot of responsibilities ... although, they never have gone through a contestment of marriage (like having the actual ceremony, exchanging vows, rings or the minister saying "I now pronounce you husband and wife" etc.)


It could mean if her husband IS cheating, this might very well be the reason why he continues it, or why he can't be with this woman on a constant basis, if he did feel he wanted to end his marriage already. The fact her husband says she's married and maybe she's really not, could imply why he might want to pursue her. Although yes, bottom line ... it's still wrong.

 

[MsMofoGone]

any time MsMofo.



I know alot more than just "hispanic" people that say they're married and they aren't too. It's becoming more of a common thing in this day and age, the so-called common law marriage.

Now, why didn't I just reply with this at few moments ago ??

Common law marriage ... absolutely spot-on, accurate with that !!

 

[joyfulgirl]

She doesn't know how old she is, but what she does know from her husband's mentioning is ... his Asst. is married and she's hispanic.

Now, forgive me as I am NOT trying to sound judgemental ... but, sometimes hispanics say that they're married and they really are not ... they're just simply living together with someone. They think of their relationship as a marriage BECAUSE they are together sharing expenses, etc.

Okay, I'm done with this thread.

 

[corianderstem]

Not to harp on the cell phone/assistant issue, but I think you're in the minority in thinking it's an inappropriate form of contact between boss and assistant.

Which just means that if the assistant calling him on his cell is the ONLY thing that makes his wife suspect he's boinking her, I don't think that theory holds much water.

 

[MsMofoGone]

Originally posted by corianderstem
Not to harp on the cell phone/assistant issue, but I think you're in the minority in thinking it's an inappropriate form of contact between boss and assistant.

Which just means that if the assistant calling him on his cell is the ONLY thing that makes his wife suspect he's boinking her, I don't think that theory holds much water.

No, it's NOT the ONLY issue. There are several other issues mentioned here already. This cell phone issue is just another 'added bonus' that gives her husband CONTACT by communicating with someone from work. Hopefully, that communication would be on a professional level about work-related matters ... but, what if it's NOT ?? This could POSSIBLY be the icing-on-the-cake to prove his cheating motives once and for all.

 

[corianderstem]

No, it's NOT the ONLY issue.

Well, all right then.

 

[mysterious_jen]

Can this thread be moved to Fan Fiction?

Just curious.

This would be an insult to fan fiction .

 

[Hinder]

onder: I actually have my boss's cell and home numbers. There have been times when I've had to call him right after he left. I mean, that alone isn't enough to be suspicious over, not really. And a lot of people use their cells as both a home and away #.

Granted, in light of all the other stuff, I could see how her back might be up over it, but..well, it isn't a smoking gun, or even icing. It just might seem a little strange if you've never actually done it. And even if he's trained her on 'all the stuff', there's always that one thing you never think of. Heck, I've been called at home to walk someone through how to use the Telecheck machine.

 

[Kiki]

ok I get why some of you were jumping all over Mofo about the comment she made in regards to the "hispanics" being married or not, and I think she did a pretty good job of clearing up what she meant and that she didn't mean to offend anyone.

What I don't get is why some of you are jumping all over her and being pretty rude at the same time in regards to moving this thread to another part of the forum among other things that have been said.

This belongs in the confessionals. Maybe what you're not getting is that she's confessing that-yes there's this problem in her best friends life, yes she's asking for advice and granted her best friend is reading what we've all written, but you're failing to see that just like all the rest of us that have posted serious confessions and asked for advice, she is asking how she should deal with this, whether this is something the rest of us would see as a problem in a marriage or a relationship, etc.

I don't see why anyone should be jumping all over her about starting this thread; ok with the exception that her comment may have offended some when she said what she said about the marriages not being real with a certain group of people. We all voiced our opinions on that and she tried to further explain herself.

She's asking for advice on how to handle a tough situation, she's asking for her friend what the rest of us may or may not know about similar situations, and she's asking for support in a way to be strong--whether it be for her or her friend.

Now I don't mean to offend anyone, but I think we can all cut a little slack here and don't need to be so harsh.

 

[MsMofoGone]

Originally posted by Kiki
she is asking how she should deal with this, whether this is something the rest of us would see as a problem in a marriage or a relationship, etc.

She's asking for advice on how to handle a tough situation, she's asking for her friend what the rest of us may or may not know about similar situations, and she's asking for support in a way to be strong--whether it be for her or her friend.

Exactly !! You know, what I've been saying here all along is how my best friend's marriage has been 'picture perfect' for it seems like forever. Now, very quickly these unbelievable confrontations take place, and all within the past month, it's rather difficult !! My friend just bowled me over with this matter ... I mean, how can one try to deal with such aspects of fault or guilt ?? She had an amazing marriage with NO problems, then all at once, the coincidences started to surface AND they kept surfacing further ?? This was a mind-blowing shock ... I thought many here would give honest advice and want to try to help ... I never thought that it would become a different story.