moving in together

[Irvine511]

we're considering it, possibly by the fall. anyone out there got advice? do's and don't's? mistakes you've made? things you'd never do again? things you're glad you did? how did you know? how did you distinguish it from marriage? (not an option for me, but at this point i don't think i'd be getting married even if i were allowed to)

thx for any advice.

 

[indra]

I don't have any advice (I'm a cranky old chick who probably couldn't stand living with anyone for long), but congratulations on being at the point where you think it may be a viable option.

 

[Liesje]

Phil and I officially moved in together when we were married, but in college we spent so much time at each other's houses and sleeping back and forth, we basically did live together. Had one of us not been able to stay at our college house, we could have moved together no question, but we already had lease commitments.

Anyway, two things that I didn't care about at first but now might not be able to live without are:

1) I have my own bathroom. This was an unexpected perk. There is a tiny half bath off our bedroom. Now, I'm SO glad I have it since what I think is "clean" is shall we say far more up tight than what Phil thinks is acceptable. I clean my bathroom once a week and he can clean his whenever the hell he feels like. Also, one thing I never got used to being at Phil's house or other guys' houses was the amount of HAIR in the bathrooms. They think us girls have a lot of hair but good god, do your pubes shed and re-grow every day?!? Well, with my own bathroom, I'm not constantly nagging at Phil to clean his hair or pick up his stuff.

2) We have our own personal space so we can do our own hobbies. My computer, camera equipment, and books are in the back corner of our living area and his computer and gaming stuff is in a different room. I like to watch TV while on the computer, and he likes to play games while doing homework. We're not in each other's way and we can each have sound without it interfering.

It's a small apartment with three cats, but these two things have helped me keep my sanity, since I'm a very independent person who needs personal space and down time.

One thing we tried to do was sort of divide up chores or me getting Phil to clean his areas more regularly. This really doesn't work. I just do the chores and instead of getting mad at Phil without telling him (b/c he takes a lot longer to realize there is a mess), I just ask him to do a chore in a non-bossy way before I let it get to me. Usually, he empties the dishwasher and takes out trash. I do everything else.

Remember, equity is not necessarily equality. Being fair and balanced doesn't mean everything has to be the same both ways.

 

[kimby]

(I'm a cranky old chick who probably couldn't stand living with anyone for long), but congratulations on being at the point where you think it may be a viable option.

Same here, but based on the experiences of other people I know there is a 99.9% chance that when you move in with him you will discover something about him that you didn't know about and won't like (and vice versa).

Hopefully it won't be a dealbreaker...

 

[Got Philk?]

I do not shed THAT MUCH! And all she has to do is ask and I gladly help when she is cleaning.

Please don't think I'm some sort of Chewbaca type man that sits on my ass playing video games all day.

Then again, now that I think about it...(insert chewbaca sound here)


Irvine, I think you probably already realize this, but I think communication is key. There probably will be things that bug you both. If it's a large deal, it's best to get it in the open as quick as possible. Then you can kiss and make up faster...uh...did I just say that outloud?

Now to contradict myself, space is key too. Like Liesje said, my computer is in the back room and it is where I go when I need space, or when I can tell Lies needs space.

Really, there have been few troubles for us, and we are pretty much complete opposites! Enjoy!

 

[PJW]

I never wanted to live together before marriage, but when my now husband and I both moved out of home to new jobs in a new town, it was easier to rent a place together. We called ourselves housemates, kept everything separate, such as bank accounts, tax and insurance, and had separate bedrooms. When we moved back to our home town, we rented a place on the same basis. When we got married, we moved into the same bedroom, opened joint bank accounts, etc. It was probably better that we did live together, as there were some teething problems which would have taken the shine off the wedding if we hadn’t already sorted them out. He did turn out to be a sheet stealer though…

 

[BVS]

Don't have much as far as advice except you will definately learn things about each other you never knew, and sometimes that can be stressful. So just be patient and empathetic, be prepared for lots and lots of compromise.

Congrats!!!

 

[Liesje]

He did turn out to be a sheet stealer though…

I think we're both sheet stealers, so I bought a flat sheet one size larger than our bed, tuck plenty of it under the mattress, and I think it's working better.

 

[martha]

I have nothing to add at all except one of these: . Ok, two .

 

[BonosBaby12]

My guy and I are working on moving in together. A bit of advice I have always been told when this happens is not to go to bed mad at each other. My own advice is communicate!

 

[blueeyedgirl]

Bank accounts: joint one is good for the joint bills etc etc but a separate one for your own spending money is essential. Then you don't get cranky about what the other (or you) is spending on "luxuries"....

 

[dazzlingamy]

Most important thing - seperate bank accounts. You have your "kitty" where your rents, bills and poss food comes out of that you both put in the same amount, regardless if he earns twice as much as you or vice versa. That way you are both contributing to the money side and no arguments can come from it.

I also found that having a little area that is yours, a place where you can go and unwind alone if you choose is a great way to still be "together" but apart.

Also come to some middle ground on chores, cleanliness and habits - there are going to be thing you never thought he'd do and it shit you sooooo much, but there are things you do that will shit him, so you both have to accept there are certain things that will never change...such as leaving clothes all over the house and leaving CUPS OF COFFEE AND TEA EVERYWHERE SO THEY GET SPILLED REGULARLY... erm, maybe thats just in my household...hehehe.

But for the move it! Its wonderful really, living with someone you love - it really takes the relationship to another level!

and lies...you have your own bathroom? OH GAWD! what i would give for my own bathroom!

 

[redhotswami]

omg you're moving in together!! thats hotttttt
as with all milestones in life, this new step is going to bring forth challenges as well as new opportunities! in short: you better host a gathering!
no really!!! i wanna be there to celebrate!

 

[Liesje]

and lies...you have your own bathroom? OH GAWD! what i would give for my own bathroom!

Yep, for the first time in twenty-two years, I no longer have to share with 3-4 other people!!!

I agree on the bank accounts. We still have our own. It's not because we don't trust each other, but we do our accounting differently. I'm a budgeter, I have a spreadsheet that shows where I'm at three months from now. Phil basically operates bill-by-bill. Also, we both have things like PayPal subscriptions, student loans, credit cards - things that are automatically drawing from our own accounts. To change it all just for the novelty of a shared account would be a nightmare. We decided that we'll get a joint account when something big happens, like we buy a house or move, something that would affect our banking. I have a savings account that I added Phil to, so we share that and if we need to transfer money, it makes that easy. We also have the passwords for each other's checking accounts and since I'm the one working, Phil uses my debit card.

Also, when I do Phil's FAFSA forms and it asks how much money he has, I can enter a number very close to zero since I have my own account. Hello need-based financial aid

 

[Irvine511]

thanks, all. it all sounds good.

i'd love my own bathroom, but for right now, i doubt it will happen. there is certainly a financial component to this -- we could find a solid one bedroom right now that, when the cost is split, would enable Memphis especially to save a considerable amount of money each month that he can put towards his student loans (he paid for every cent of his college education). after a year, and some saving, we'd hope to move to some place a bit nicer, but all that depends. we never, ever fight, it's actually a little weird. i'm the "crazy" one, he's the "calm" one, and it all works out well like that. we spend about half the week together already, and i'm not sure what would necessarily change. totally agree on the separate bank accounts.

on a less practical note, i also get a feeling that, well, this is the next step. this is what people do. the eventual goal is to find someone who you can spend the rest of your life with, and it seems like you've got to take the plunge. maybe it works and maybe it doesn't, but i'm getting fed up with the way things are. things are good, but i don't see him enough, and the prospect of having a space that's "ours" and things that are "ours" and taking him into account whenever decisions are made is both thrilling and terrifying.

i suppose what worries me a little is that i view this as akin to a marriage. if i'm going to do this, i'm going to do this 100%. no, i know there are no guarantees, but i'm not doing this for shits and giggles. i'm doing this because i'm serious about our relationship and, bluntly, because we're in love with each other and want to be together. but i don't want to push this before it's ready.

am i getting this right? are these the right motivations? are there any "right" motivations? how does one know?

 

[Bonochick]

My boyfriend and I have been living together for a little over 2 years now. We'd been dating for less than 4 months. I'd always lived at home, and once he had moved out of his parents' house, he'd always lived alone.

Coincidentally, he had closed on a brand new house the same day I landed a job by him, which would enable me to make the move. Therefore, we were not only moving in together, we had to get a new house started, which meant a lot of decision making...from what kind of landscaping rocks to use to how to put the glasses away

We had some rocky times, but things are great now. Working out the little kinks and quirks is what can be rough, and it takes time. I could rattle off a list of things he does that annoys me, but I also realize that I'm not perfect either, and I bet he could come up with complaints too...even though I think I am just oh so wonderful to live with.

You also have to be understanding and willing to compromise. Pick your battles. Do I really feel like making a big deal out of the fact that he left his popsicle wrapper sitting on the counter, or should I just throw it away and be done with it? Some things just aren't worth bickering about.

We have two bathrooms, but only one is a full-bath, and that's really the best place to get ready. We each have our own side of the sink, our own drawer, and our own space under the sink. We also don't usually lock each other out, in case one of us has to get in there when the other is in the shower or something.

How do I distinguish it from marriage? As far as I'm concerned, the only difference is that I still have my own last name, and if we split, I don't get half of his stuff. I find myself slipping up and calling him my husband sometimes, and he's already accidentally called me his wife. We have no plans on getting married though.

 

[VintagePunk]

i suppose what worries me a little is that i view this as akin to a marriage. if i'm going to do this, i'm going to do this 100%. no, i know there are no guarantees, but i'm not doing this for shits and giggles. i'm doing this because i'm serious about our relationship and, bluntly, because we're in love with each other and want to be together. but i don't want to push this before it's ready.

am i getting this right? are these the right motivations? are there any "right" motivations? how does one know?

I don't really have any advice to offer that others haven't already, and it was all good, btw.

As to the above, regarding motivations, and what's right and what's wrong - you're intelligent and self-aware. I think you already know what will be good for you individually, and both of you as a couple. Do his motivations mesh with yours? I'm guessing yes.

Besides that, I want to wish you my hearty congratulations! I'm thrilled for you. Hope the two of you can make it to London this summer.

 

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

Congrats! Having met you both, even briefly, I can tell you're an awesome couple and will be great at this cohabitating thing.

 

[martha]

because we're in love with each other and want to be together.

I was gonna do all sorts of supportive quoting, cutting, and pasting, but really this is all that matters in the end.

My favorite part of finally living with Steve (and we were married) was that he didn't leave. That was, and still is, so wonderful.

 

[BluRmGrl]

I'm so happy for you Irvine!! And Martha's right - you answered your own question about whether the motivation is right or not.

I'll only add this, from my experience: Loving someone, wanting to be with them, wanting to share a home with them? Doesn't keep you from wanting to kill them when you find that there are vastly different definitions of 'tidy' in the house! Basically, remember this: there will be - sooner or later - the first fight over something to do with chores or individual little habits, idiosyncracies, etc. This is normal and healthy as two adults, accustomed to doing things their own way, learn how to live with each other.

There are only two acceptable things to do when this fight (and subsequent ones) occur. One, FIND A WAY to compromise so that you're each happy with the solution; and two, have great make-up sex!!!!

 

[Dismantled]

good for you guys...it's a big step

My husband and I lived together for 5 years before getting married...I believe it was the best thing ever before getting married!!

1. You will argue and have fights..it's tough at first establishing boundaries..don't let these discourage you, there are ways to work everything out....a fight is not the end of the world...and never hold grudges.

2. Compromise...compromise..compromise

3. Communicate and be honest with each other at ALL times!

4. Respect each others opinions and style choices..especially when decorating..that's how I ended up with some funky colored walls but it's what he really liked...and he has to live with some of my fav's.

5.surprise each other...alot

6. be thoughful, cook dinner if she's had a hard day and vise versa...if she cooks you clean up, it works great for us

7.Never let work into your home life, don't let it interfere with anything!

I'm sure I have more

 

[Mr. Green Eyes]

I was gonna do all sorts of supportive quoting, cutting, and pasting, but really this is all that matters in the end.

I agree with Martha on this. The simple fact that the two of you love each other enough to think about moving in together, is just a really great thing. Anyway, congrats!!! Don't worry so much, I'm sure that everything will go well.

 

[Liesje]

4. Respect each others opinions and style choices..especially when decorating..that's how I ended up with some funky colored walls but it's what he really liked...and he has to live with some of my fav's.

I'm lucky in that I don't think Phil cares one wit about decorating, but I did promise him a Cubs/Bears/Bulls rec room if we ever have a house....

 

[U2Girl416]

I'm lucky in that I don't think Phil cares one wit about decorating, but I did promise him a Cubs/Bears/Bulls rec room if we ever have a house....

we're still in an apt and there's already a White Sox/Bears shrine in our living room.

 

[Bonochick]

In our basement, Ernie has his train collection on one side, and I have my Barbie collection on the other. I swear we're adults.

 

[Irvine511]

^

well, we both play into stereotypes in that we're both somewhat passionate about interiors, so hopefully that will be a source of fun and we won't get into fights. he's declared that he prefers dark wood, which is fine by me, and i refuse to have any rooms EVER painted totally red, because that's what people do when they think they're being daring, they paint their dining room wall red, when everyone KNOWS that all they're doing is being "daring" and not actually daring.

we're also opposed to light blue walls (deadly boring). i do wonder if we're more united by what we hate than by what we like.

in general, we have similar taste, though i'm probably a bit more mod than he is, so that can be a series of compromises. i think his photography is borderline brilliant, so we'll decorate (cheaply, at first) with some of his better work, and see where we are.

 

[A_Wanderer]

And here I was furnishing with art deco and Roger Broders prints, but what do hetero's know

 

[BonosBaby12]

we're still in an apt and there's already a White Sox/Bears shrine in our living room.

Stay strong

 

[U2Girl416]

times are tough Shannon

 

[Irvine511]

And here I was furnishing with art deco and Roger Broders prints, but what do hetero's know

oh, that can be cool. love the Mediterranian vibe from a Roger Broder. i'd recommend a nice chocolate color to the walls, or maybe a warm yellow.

don't be too matchy-matchy. the big mistake people make is to coordinate everything, when it really should just compliment.