Motivation?

[youtooellen]

I thought I had my thoughts straightened out.

But I feel myself gradually declining and giving into my negative emotions.

I need assistance. I'm losing motivation to live and pursue my studies. I remind myself that I'm doing this for my future, to join the PeaceCorps and to help others, but how do I help others when I can't help myself? I tell myself that I'm doing this for Christ and that there's a reason why I'm here. I've survived many suicide attempts in the past which has greatly advanced my spiritual aspect in my life.

I started off my semester with enthusiasm. Last night I went to bed early afraid that I might give into my thoughts. I posted a thread in the 'Dream Out Loud' section with some freestyle-d writing, but it's shockingly what my mind is saying, despite the joyful disguise that people see in the real world.

Please, I need some aid to do well in school. I can focus, when I try, but I'm losing the desire to do well.

Some of you here know that I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder in the past, but I know this is not an episode. I'm already seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist, but talking about it doesn't help. I'm taking my medication and everything.
I mean, actions do speak louder than words.

Anyway, I'd love to hear thoughts and opinions about this matter. Hopefully some from you "older" crowd because you've come so far in life. I'd love to hear how your journey was and what kept you motivated.

Thanks a lot. I appreciate any replies.

 

[Liesje]

Honestly, what keeps me the most motivated are my dogs and photography. I work to live and not live to work. I don't mind doing a relatively monotonous job. I have job security, make enough to live the way I like to live, and have health insurance. There's no money in the things I love to do but I can't help that I love to do them.

I often felt like a zombie in college. I did good grade-wise, I had jobs, I slept well and was never super depressed, but I just felt like I didn't have a lot of purpose, nothing I did was really for myself. Even now my "career" is not really what gives me purpose, it just finances what does .

It took me a while to find out what gave me purpose and was more fulfilling than school and work. You'll get there...

 

[youtooellen]

Yeah, my dog has been the joy of my life for the past couple of years. Whenever I leave the house, she knows I'm going out, but I see the fear in her eyes-- thinking I won't come home. My parents would tell me that while I was away at school or busy with other stuff she was always uber-depressed and didn't do anything but sleep.
I find myself living and doing things so that I can move out and have a career, just to take her with me. Sometimes I can't sleep at night because she isn't sleeping with me on my bed. My dad hates it when my dog is on my bed so I always wake up at 2am or something and let her sleep with me.

Thank you for the reminder. It completely slipped my mind that my best friend is one of the few reasons for my life. I appreciate your opinion also. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences.

 

[MooMoo!]

I share your problem with motivation.

Im at college, and motivation changes from day to day. Some days I want to go home and study, other days I want to go in and tell them Im leaving class.

I dont really know how to deal with it either.

 

[youtooellen]

^ yeah, I completely agree.

I get so frustrated with myself because I can't talk myself out of the random depressive states, so I turn to anime or watch some tv... which eventually becomes an "I don't want to do anything anymore" attitude. haha
I'm in college right now too and it's so hard to take my studying to the next level. or rather, to keep that desire to study consistent on a day to day basis.

it's so terribly hard.

hope you feel better though. I'm sure we'll both find ourselves some motivation... somehow.

 

[financeguy]

I posted a thread in the 'Dream Out Loud' section with some freestyle-d writing, but it's shockingly what my mind is saying, despite the joyful disguise that people see in the real world.

Just to focus on this, why do you think people see a joyful disguise in the real world?

 

[youtooellen]

my circle of friends, classmates, professors... why do I think they see this disguise? well, I give them all a soft smile, a hearty chuckle-- here and there, and I receive one in return.

maybe I didn't word that right. by real world I mean 'in person'-- relative to all five senses. not over the web and whatnot.

 

[mad1]

well its no lie for me to tell you that not too long ago I had 'back-of-the-mind' suicidal thoughts. would never have attempted it thou. I think you would have to be seriously under, to go that far. I have no idea what its like to be that low and to attempt.



I know what you mean thou, in order to help and love others you must help and love yourself, otherwise you become too into yourself.

what motivates me is the sunshine, believe it or not! sky, sunset, moon. I know it makes me sound like a sad loser but I am in love with that type of nature, the beauty of it I can find overwhelming at times if Im alone with it - the world is shut out and Im at peace. Plus I intend to start painting classes later this year!
At times I still think 'what is the point of my existance', esp when you know yourself and your flaws and feel that you will never get past that stage. But I also have small family, cats, etc. And my independence has increased wonderfully recently!


very sorry to hear you have Bi-Polar

 

[youtooellen]

^ thank you for your kind words

I'm feeling much better now. I had time last night to think things over while playing with my dog. I too feel that nature is one of the most natural beauties in this world.

I made myself a playlist in iTunes filled with uplifting songs..... and yes, U2 is found quite a few times in there.

thank you so much for sharing your personal experience. sincerely, everyone on this forum is helpful and kind.

 

[mad1]

Ellen

can I ask, are you pretty much a loner - I mean, before you were diagnosed, were you like that or become that way because of? or have you lots of mates?

and also, I think, anybody who hits a personal rockbottom (been there myself recently), if they survive it and get back on track and better with support - they become a stronger person

cool chillout songs?

 

[youtooellen]

^ well, my personality changed over time. in high school i was a cynic and so i seemed like a loner, but i was an active participant in my church youth group (i was elected as vice-president and was a leader for the group my junior and senior year during high school-- i was in the position to be extremely social and outgoing).
i was diagnosed with severe depression during my junior year of high school and still acted upon my suicidal ideations. i used to self-mutilate, but i like to consider all of that a part of my past.
i never thought i was bipolar because one of my close friends was diagnosed with bipolar disorder her freshman year of high school. she had some destructive episodes and i witnessed some of them, thus why i never thought i was.
may of 2008 i was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and started new medication for that. ever since, my life changed considerably and i'm so much happier. i was hospitalized after an attempt before i was diagnosed and wrote a suicide note on my lj for my close friends to read. it turned out that my friends called the police and saved my life.
i have awesome friends and they are incredibly accepting and understanding about my condition. i like to say that i have a close-knit group of friends--- one of my greatest support systems now.

haha, chillout songs. where to begin? hm.
i've got upbeat ones to keep me optimistic and whatnot.
john mayer - bigger than my body
U2 - ISHFWILF
U2 - mercy
U2 - a sort of homecoming
U2 - WTSHNN
a bunch of praise/worship songs: god of wonders, here i am to worship, better is one day, open the eyes of my heart lord, jars of clay - like a child, etc.
some post-rock/shoegaze tracks: slowdive - brighter, of sinking ships - with one more for company, saxon shore - with a red suit you will become a man, 65daysofstatic - radio protector, tristeza - pink elephants, etc.
jimmy eat world - the middle
jimmy eat world - a praise chorus
jimmy eat world - the world you love
jimmy eat world - futures
mae - the everglow
mae - breakdown
oasis - don't look back in anger
third eye blind - jumper
beatles - hey jude
beatles - dear prudence
john coltrane - blue train
guster - amsterdam
guster - what you wish for
guster - demons
guster - barrel of a gun


i might have gotten a little carried away. but that's a brief summary of what's on the list. sorry for the long list..
i occasionally listen to U2's Elevation (tr-mix) mainly for the line "love, lift me up out of these blues, won't you tell me something true, i believe in you"

enough about me though.. how are you? if you feel uncomfortable talking about it, it's fine. i hope you're feeling much better. i also hope you've pulled yourself out of the rock bottom pothole.

 

[MooMoo!]

YTE, if you dont mind my asking, what is the job you want to get into? I know you said the Peace Corps, but what specifically?

I also totally understand and am glad you can get some strength from your religion. I myself am not religious, but as a child I belived in god (I knew bugger all about religion at age 4, just that there was a god. )and it helped me though something difficult. So I understand how it works even though Im not a believer.

Also is your name Ellen? Cos my names Ellena. Must be a name thing to be undermotivated.

 

[pgv]

Hi Ellen

Wow, I really understand what you're going through - in terms of my college work and future, I'm in the same place as you right now and find it so hard to just push on and do things. My friends have been the biggest help, I don't think I would have coped this last year without one or two of them. Have you got anyone close that you frequently talk to about it? I find it so helpful having a friend there just to push me into going to this class or that exam etc, and even though I don't want to I do it for them... and then am glad I did it.
Your religion could be such a source of comfort for you - I'm an atheist and find it endlessly frustrating that I don't have a religion! And what you indeed to do with the PeaceCorps, well that's just brilliant and something so worthwhile - perhaps when you get to that point things will slide into place in terms of the bigger picture for you? But it's just a case of pushing on and getting to that point - always keep that ahead of you

Anyway, you know where to find me here and on facebook if you ever want to talk in private Because it's probably something that would feel a hell of a lot better if you were able to talk about it, and trust me I know that from experience dude.

 

[pgv]

I just read a later post about your friends - hurrah for close knit groups

 

[youtooellen]

You guys are all so fucking awesome.

Ellena - Haha, yes my name IS Ellen! Perhaps it is a name thing.. .. I'm hoping to study Environmental Science and then pursue something in engineering. I also want to study Theology. I never thought the academic aspect of my hopes and dreams would be so difficult to overcome.... but that is how life works.

Emma - Thanks for your support! When the going gets tough, I will definitely message you on facebook. What you said about your friends pushing you to go to classes and study.................... wow. That's EXACTLY like me. One of my problems last year was that I didn't ever want to get out of bed and be productive. I rarely went to class and stuff. Thus why at school I'm technically a freshman right now.

Yesterday I was tempted to skip my class and sit outside to chain-smoke and think about things. Before that I was studying in the library with these two guys I met in one of my classes. While I was smoking a cigarette outside, one of the guys and I were talking and he convinced me to go to class.
After my class, I was pretty relieved that I went. I found out that I have an exam next week, which I'm sure I never would've known if I didn't go. Neither would I have known that all of my notes were due alongside the exam.

Friends are definitely helpful when it comes to motivation. They egg you on and peer pressure you in a very good way. Unfortunately, I do have some close friends who feel the same as me and it always feels like the saying "misery loves company". They're such close friends that I can't tell them that their negative emotions are affecting mine, so I just try to steer clear from them at times.

One of the issues that I've encountered though is that ever since my psychiatrist changed my medication from anti-depressants to a mood stabilizer, my life has improved drastically.... but alongside it, my learning abilities.
I don't know if I should do that "academic hole" thing where special people get more time on exams and stuff because I have so much pride .
I'm not sure if it's hindering me from my studies or making me work harder to learn. In other words, I don't know if it's beneficial or not.

 

[MooMoo!]

I do environmental science. Im only doing it at A-Level (A UK high school course you do at 16-18 years old) but I really enjoy it, and its not that hard cos I do biology and have done geography, since its like a mix of both.

Id really recommend it as a subject.

With regards to the extra time on exams, Im the ONLY person in my biology class who doesnt qualify for it, so I feel left out.

 

[youtooellen]

I did something terrible last night... I cut for the first time since July 2008. I'm so disappointed in myself, but my negativity has cut down a lot (no pun intended).
I spoke to my therapist yesterday and we talked a lot about how I was feeling. She suggested that I keep active with my support systems and talk about my issues instead of bottling my shit in.

So.... thank you guys for being an awesome support system. I didn't tell anyone about my cutting last night, but it feels like such a relief to say something.

===

dammmnnn. we have both similar names AND interest in majors. wow. we're pretty awesome MooMoo.

(do you have a facebook, myspace, or anything of those sorts?)

 

[pgv]

Emma - Thanks for your support! When the going gets tough, I will definitely message you on facebook. What you said about your friends pushing you to go to classes and study.................... wow. That's EXACTLY like me. One of my problems last year was that I didn't ever want to get out of bed and be productive. I rarely went to class and stuff. Thus why at school I'm technically a freshman right now.

Yesterday I was tempted to skip my class and sit outside to chain-smoke and think about things. Before that I was studying in the library with these two guys I met in one of my classes. While I was smoking a cigarette outside, one of the guys and I were talking and he convinced me to go to class.
After my class, I was pretty relieved that I went. I found out that I have an exam next week, which I'm sure I never would've known if I didn't go. Neither would I have known that all of my notes were due alongside the exam.

Friends are definitely helpful when it comes to motivation. They egg you on and peer pressure you in a very good way. Unfortunately, I do have some close friends who feel the same as me and it always feels like the saying "misery loves company". They're such close friends that I can't tell them that their negative emotions are affecting mine, so I just try to steer clear from them at times.

One of the issues that I've encountered though is that ever since my psychiatrist changed my medication from anti-depressants to a mood stabilizer, my life has improved drastically.... but alongside it, my learning abilities.
I don't know if I should do that "academic hole" thing where special people get more time on exams and stuff because I have so much pride .
I'm not sure if it's hindering me from my studies or making me work harder to learn. In other words, I don't know if it's beneficial or not.

Do, I'm an amazing listener - even if I do say so myself

I'm never at college and completely depend on my friends to bully me into it, too. However don't you find sometimes that it's all a bit much for your friends - and you feel a bit guilty for putting them in that situation? If they're real friends they'd NEVER feel like that but there's always the worry.

I suppose it's a bit of a double edged swore having friends with the same problems... where they'd be understanding there's also the trouble of bringing each other down. But maybe you can turn that on it's head, and because you understand each other you know how to get each other through it too.
It really is a case of pushing through, like you said about feeling relieved after going to the class. The actual being there isn't that hard, it's the damn getting there! Which makes thinking about 'the end result' so crucial. I nearly completely dropped out of college (the equivalent to the last two years of your high school) but somehow managed to think "and what the fuck will I do then, I'll just get worse!" I'm so glad I did carry on with things (I'm never there, but do the exams at least ) even though this time last year I was convinced I wouldn't be.

You need to keep pushing, onwards and upwards, regardless of what awful mindset your in - just keeping looking forward, to what you're aiming towards. And think of what'll happen if you don't and where that might lead you

Yeah the extra time thing can be a help or a hindrance. Having that caused me to lag and think "I can do even less work now!" - it depends on how you think you'd deal with it. Are you the sort of person like me (basically lazy ) how would do that, or would you utilize it?
And screw the pride thing man, I doubt other people care whether you have it or not. And even on a personal level, just think of it as a SLIGHT recompense for the other shit you're dealing with!

 

[pgv]

I did something terrible last night... I cut for the first time since July 2008. I'm so disappointed in myself, but my negativity has cut down a lot (no pun intended).
I spoke to my therapist yesterday and we talked a lot about how I was feeling. She suggested that I keep active with my support systems and talk about my issues instead of bottling my shit in.

So.... thank you guys for being an awesome support system. I didn't tell anyone about my cutting last night, but it feels like such a relief to say something.

Ellen, I'm glad you have a therapist helping you through this, and stop thanking people for being helpful! None of need being thanked Keep talking about it, and do tell someone when you feel like doing that



P.s. Oh my god, look at that long and boring reply I just posted up there!

 

[MooMoo!]

I did something terrible last night... I cut for the first time since July 2008. I'm so disappointed in myself, but my negativity has cut down a lot (no pun intended).
I spoke to my therapist yesterday and we talked a lot about how I was feeling. She suggested that I keep active with my support systems and talk about my issues instead of bottling my shit in.

So.... thank you guys for being an awesome support system. I didn't tell anyone about my cutting last night, but it feels like such a relief to say something.

===

dammmnnn. we have both similar names AND interest in majors. wow. we're pretty awesome MooMoo.

(do you have a facebook, myspace, or anything of those sorts?)

Sometimes you just need to do something. I never let me feelings out either. And its ruined me. -__- I had one of those terrible days today, and I dont know why, but I just made a bee-line for alcohol. thats never happened before and it scared me, because my dad is an alcoholic, and I dont want that to happen to me.

I dont want to digress from your issues though cos its your thread. It is hard to express yourself sometimes. I tend to not let people know how I feel cos I know that it would upset/cause arguements.

My msn is moo_moo@manx.net and my facebook is...how do you even link to your facebook??

 

[youtooellen]

MooMoo.... it's funny how I must call you by the sound of a cow.

It's not my thread! Blasphemy! Haha. The purpose of this thread is to maybe have everyone with this same issue discuss and help others. You can find me on facebook if you'd like. Just search this e-mail addy: ellennkim @ gmail. com (just remove the spaces )

Yeah.. about the alcohol thing. I have that similar problem. One of my best friends' dad was an alcoholic. I thought he was a recovering one at that, but I guess he's returned to his old ways, so says my friend. When I was hospitalized, they made me attend AA and NA but I didn't find it to be of much help.
Do you think your urges for alcohol might be because of the stressors in your life? I'm trying to stop drinking for the "antidepressant" feeling and just do it for recreational purposes, like with friends and at social occasions.
I used to drink all the time when I was alone and always wanted to get fucked up for no reason.

Stay strong though, MooMoo! I believe in you!

 

[MooMoo!]

Well that particular night it was certainly as an effect of the cause.

I tend to only ever go out with my mum to drink, and thats for fun. I just dont want to start a habit of going to get a drink whenever Im stressed or whatever. Apparantly children of alcoholics are more likely to become them, so thats a bit of a worry.

I recently came off antidepressents so I hope its not my brain and body wanting some sort of "medication".

But hey, Ive managed 19 years, I should manage a few more.

 

[youtooellen]

my spout of depression is definitely fading away. I guess it might have been a small depressive episode, but I'm happy that it's going away. now I wake up to natural light... despite how early I tend to wake up (in my opinion 8am is early haha)
when the sun comes flooding into my room, I'm happy to know that it's the start of a new day.... and I can change and manipulate how my day goes.
I'm relieved that this "episode" is slipping away at such a quick rate. it's all thanks to you guys, reminding me that there's always something to live for.

==



your managing skills are incredibly admirable MooMoo.
my dad used to drink a lot but I think it was so he could relax whenever he came home from work. my parents own two liquor stores in Chicago so we have alcohol everywhere in the house.
my parents found out that I was swiping my dad's beer and our hard liquor at home, so they locked it all up so now I don't have any access to it.
whenever I work at their stores I'm always tempted to drink. alcohol is everywhere! when I'm done with work there and I don't drink anything, I come home-- very proud of myself that my self-control paid off.

I completely feel you on the "starting the habit" and some relief of stress.

for me... I'm trying to "break the habit".. haha. it's been going well though. so far-- regarding my pot smoking issue and alcohol issue-- I've been practicing sobriety and it's been a good two and a half weeks since my last joint and drink. I'm taking pride in myself that it's pushing me to stay sober.

MooMoo... I didn't know you were 19 years old. perhaps I should read profiles more often.
we really do have a lot in common.

 

[MooMoo!]

Well the best thing you can do for yourself is want help in the first place. I dont know if you've ever had experience with it, but trying to get someone help for an addiction they dont know they have is like bashing your head against a wall. (what a convienient smiley. )

You sound like you have a pretty good grasp of your situation anyway. So keep making yourself (and us) proud.

 

[youtooellen]

haha, thanks a lot. i hope you'll be keeping yourself (and us) proud too.

 

[CrashedCarDriver]

i lost a bit of motivation with stuff thats gone down

im packing up and moving on - for now

im going to try again later

 

[mad1]

and yea Im still stuck in this long process of transformation, I feel very unmotivated at the moment, just hoping someday it 'kicks in' if you know what I mean?

sometimes you can just wake up a new person. I hope this happens soon.

 

[youtooellen]

^

I very much so agree.

Sometimes I find that my "waking up" as a new person is affected by the weather. It doesn't help that Chicago is the Windy City with sporadic temperature changes and such.

I think I woke up this morning feeling pretty good.

Something that helps me break my unmotivated habit is to break down the big, important things to deal into tiny, nearly too simple pieces.

For example: I recall feeling so lazy the other week... dreading the laundry I had to do. So on 'Things To Do' list, I took the 'Do laundry' chore and broke it down into pieces.

Do Laundry
1. Collect laundry from bedrooms and shove it all into a basket
(15 minute break... yeah, I'm that insanely lazy. Hahaha.... )
2. Sort laundry; colors and whites
(Yes... another break....)
3. Put whites in washer
(.... you know what I'm gonna say now)
4. Once whites are done, put into dryer.
4a. Clean out dryer's lint net thingamajig.
4b. Put colors in washer
5. Once whites are done drying, take out and shove into a basket.
5a. Clean out dryer's lint net thingamajig again.
5b. Put colors in dryer
(This is where I take an hour break or something. Yeah, I'm such a tiring person..)
6. Put colors in basket.
7. Fold laundry!

Then I get so "exhausted" and leave the folded laundry in the hallway to let my mom take her clothes and such.

It's a step-by-step, how to do laundry guide, but it makes my train of thought less stressed out. I don't know if it works for other people, but it definitely works for me.

I use that "technique" with schoolwork and others.

 

[mad1]

funny how one minute you can feel low and unchanged and worried and bored and suddenly you think of the things that you are comfortable with, like lounging round the house, etc, and you feel happy. get that?

Im going through it, Im seriously bored with my work now, not being kept busy which leads me to think about things to an unnecessary level. and then I think of comfort things and I feel better, or think of good times in the past.

I agree the weather helps if its sunny!

I think, right now as said we are moving work in few weeks, and Im feeling both happy and low about it.