Major Depression

[drownoutheworld]

I’m having a hard time with my life these days. I’ve been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. I’m pretty sure the diagnosis is correct, I feel it. Long story shot. I’m seeing a MD and psychologist, trying to do all the “right” things (eating right, exercising, getting enough sleep), and I feel a little better, it’s taken the edge off (I’m not bursting into uncontrollable sobbing every night; no I’m merely on the verge of tears daily). But it’s not good enough, I’ve starting cutting myself again (after years of not), thinking about suicide. I find myself going to pro suicide websites and stuff. Not really and option, because I don’t think I’d ever do it, but something I keep at a worst case scenario option. But that’s not what I’m posting about. What frustrates and confuses me most is that I feel like I have a very clear head and realistic expectation about dealing with depression, but I’m still not getting better. What I mean is, I know my pain isn’t special; many people have dealt with worse than I’m going through. I know it takes awhile to find the right combination of medicine and than you have to wait for it to kick it. I feel like I’m being very gentle myself and I’m really trying hard to get better, but damn it I’m frustrated. I keep telling the doctors that I’m willing to do anything to feel better, and I am, I’m committed 100%. In other respects I see myself and I fairly normal, well-rounded person ( I do have an unusually obsession with U2 but…so do y’all), but I can’t seem to kick this. When I think about suicide, it’s more of that it might become something I’d want to do in the future, if I don’t feel better- I’ve told the doctor that, so you’re not the only people who know, I’m making myself be very honest about what I’m thinking and feeling with her (the doc). I don’t know if I’m asking for advice or just support but I am reaching out. I’m interest to hear your responses, I don’t know maybe someone had an aunt who went on an all grapefruit diet and kicked depression with no problem…

 

[VintagePunk]

I don’t know maybe someone had an aunt who went on an all grapefruit diet and kicked depression with no problem…

That line made me laugh, so despite everything going on with you, you have a really good sense of humour.

Have you been in treatment for long? Is this your first time, or has it been an ongoing thing?

You sound to me like you're trying very hard to be positive, that you're really committed to getting well, but that you're maybe going through some rough spots due to frustration with how long it's taking. With an attitude like yours, I'd say your chances are very, very good. Do you have supportive people in your life that you can turn to to help you get through this recovery time? Are you able to be engaged with the world around you, at this point? For example, are you working or going to school? Are you socially active at all? Are you able to do volunteer work of any kind? All of these things can be very helpful in regaining some feeling of control in your life, and kind of taking your own happiness back, you know? Sometimes it really, really helps, if you're able, to turn your focus away from yourself onto something more outward. And then before you know it, your mood will catch up with your mind and body, and you'll feel better.

Of course, if you ever need an ear (or maybe a set of eyes would be more apt), there are plenty of folks around here, myself included, who would be happy to fill that purpose. Good luck, and please keep us posted.

 

[redhotswami]

I think you're being a bit too hard on yourself

"my pain isn't special; many people have dealt with worse"
"i'm a fairly normal well-rounded person, but i can't seem to kick this"

As with anything else in life, I don't think it is necessary to compare your pain to others. You are your own person, with unique strengths and limitations. Your experiences are unique as well. Even if someone went through the exact same stuff you have, they could respond very differently, simply because they are a completely different person than yourself.

I think it's great that you are open and honest about your thoughts and feelings to others. But you should also be honest with yourself. Recognize your limitations AND strengths, and play to them. Give yourself time.

You may not realize it, but eating right, exercising, and sleeping are all major accomplishments. It sucks that the negative thoughts still penetrate, but you should realize how far you've come along.

Have you considered alternative therapies? I had Reiki earlier this week. I'm not 100% healed myself, but I feel that was a big step, and that a major layer of negativity was penetrated and lifted.

Unfortunately I've no advice or anything, I'm still going through depression myself. It's slow and frustrating. And often times, just when I feel like I've progressed, something happens that throws me 10 steps back. Hang in there. Just know that the people you love love you back, and support you 100%.

 

[Screwtape2]

You should definitely see a trained and experienced therapist. I've dealt with major depression in the past and I've overcome it. My best advice is that you need to find something worth living for. Once you do, draw a line in the sand and refuse to go backwards. Getting the upperhand on depression is a real battle but something happens when you tell yourself you won't go down without a fight. You are doing some great things and you're committed. In my case, doctors did nothing to help. Seeing a great therapist did the trick. I took a stand. A month later, I wasn't on medicine and I don't see the therapist or any doctors anymore. There are still bad days but I push through them.

Good luck. PM me if you ever need to talk.

 

[last unicorn]

^ I agree. A good therapist is a person who is professionally trained to help you out of crises.

Good luck to you.

 

[drownoutheworld]

Vintage Punk- thanks for responding. I first went to the doctor in January, but didn’t really start therapy until June. I’ve seen counselors off and on in the past, but nothing like this. I really trust the psychologist I’m seeing right now and I think I trust the process and that it will help eventually. So I have hope there.

I do have a few supportive people that I COULD turn to if needed, but I try not to. I don’t want to wear anyone out. At this point, I know I would call someone if it was an emergency, but for the several nights I week I have a “bad” night, I’d rather deal with it myself. I am struggling a little with work, I’m taking more and more time off and I even called in sick once this week and slept most of the day. I know doing things like that aren’t best for me, but at the time I couldn’t make myself get out of bed. At this point my social life is about 0, sometimes, it’s better than others. For the last few weeks I’ve been isolating myself quite a bit. I like what you said about volunteering, it’s a very good point. I need to look into something like that. Seriously.
Thank you very much for your post, you seem to have a good grasp on depression and stuff like that. I may take you up on lending your eyes and ear at some point. Thank you.

Unico- Your post made me cry. In a good way. I’m sure we’ll talk more about it at some point. ( :

Screwtape2- Thanks for your words. I think I am seeing a good therapist. I have the most confidence in him over anyone I’ve seen in the past. It’s hard work though. I don’t know if other people enjoy going to counseling (you know getting to talk about themselves for an hour, unloading their stress or something like that), but I’m not one of those people, every hour is a struggle, but sometimes I come out with a new insight about myself or my past. I think it’s amazing that you were able to beat you depression in a month. I’d love to do that too, I don’t know if this might was the case with you, but I have a lot so crap from my past that I’ve never talked about, and I think that may take some time. Your honest saying there are still bad days, I don’t expect 100% better, I think this may be something I always have to deal with in some way, this might just be my “thorn in my side”, but where I am not it not acceptable.

Thanks last unicorn, I think I’ve got a good therapist I’m working with, it’s just getting through the mean time until real change takes place.

 

[Purplereign]

I don't have anything to add - just want to send you a
Good luck with getting better okay

 

[youtooellen]

I don't know where to start...

.. I was diagnosed with depression (and prescribed anti-depressants) for a few years, but then, I attempted (again) and afterward they diagnosed me with bipolar disorder. Since I've been on the bipolar/mood stabilizer medications, I've been doing fantastic.

It gets better. I don't know what else to say. Support systems are important, but I'd be a hypocrite to say you should turn to them because I had a strong group of friends, but none of them knew (I chose not to burden them). The real problem is that when we're depressed, we immerse ourselves in this alternate reality asking "what if"s and wondering "I feel"s. By having all of those thoughts in our heads we begin to sink lower and lower, giving in to the depression. It's like a black hole and you're grasping anything to hold onto, but you get sucked in no matter what.
I've been seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist for a long duration of time and it was only recently that I started to seriously open up to them.

Just remember that the greatest philosophers and scientists suffered depression. I consider it like gaining knowledge... a constant phase of questions that go unanswered. Please, please, please.. hang on. It gets better. I promise you. If you ever want to talk, feel free to e-mail me or message me. I hated being in such a low-feeling position, so my heart goes out to you.

Something I learned from going to AA meetings is that you gotta take baby steps. Think of each day as a gift and try to take it day by day, not thinking about negative things. It's hard, but it can help you. With each negative thought, think of something positive.
Make a list of things that make you happy. Pursue things that you always wanted to do. Right now, despite how down you feel, this time (and all time) is about you. Focus on yourself-- but not too much to over-analyze simple things.

Just based off your thread I see how strong you are. You will do amazing things, change lives, even when you don't know it. It takes courage, alone, to accept that you feel unstable. Stay strong and have hope. Listen to U2 a bit.

When I wake up every morning, I think to myself, "Today, I will add something to someone's life." And you know what I do? I focus on other people and I often lose thought for myself. Just making someone else smile takes some of the suicidal ideations away. Altruism should seriously be a gateway drug.. Take care of yourself.

 

[Lemon Grrrrrl]

Hello

Everyone here has said so many great things, I don't know what else to add other than I suffer from severe depression too - you can always PM me if you need to unload. It would never be a bother.

Good for you for fighting it. I never really understood what 'battling depression' was until I realized I've been doing it all along. It really is a battle - congrats to you for wanting to win it. I'll keep you in my thoughts.

 

[Pearl]

I'm not so sure what to say either, but I just want to let you know that you are never alone.
I've been through deep depression before, and even experienced self-mutilation. I haven't cut myself in a long while, and I've been feeling much better after years of being in the dark. That's because I found the right therapist and the right medication. It also took some action on my part. Like Unico said, the fact that you are exercising more, eating right and so on is a good sign.

I guess the only thing I could suggest is to not only take one day at a time, and find something to live for, but also look for the positive and the good in each day. I know it sounds cheesy, but its really worth it. It has, and still does, help me when I feel down. It may not be easy, but the more you do it, the easier it gets.

PM me if you ever need any more help or advice. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers

 

[Carek1230]

I, too, have been diagnosed with clinical depression and have taken medication for it. It helped, along with therapy and life changes. Everyone here has said some wonderful supportive and great suggestions for you, but most important you reached out for help. That's a huge step. I ditto what everyone else has said. I'm happy to email or PM to try to help you too so please feel free to contact me. Continue with seeing a licensed therapist or counselor that you feel comfortable with. Eat right, exercise, get plenty of daylight and regular sleep. And if you are prescribed meds do take them. Be good to yourself, you are worth it!

The best advice I was ever given was from my therapist who really saved my life. She told me to be patient with the process. It can be a long process on the road to recovery so just let things happen and heal in your own time, don't rush things. Be patient with the process. I will also keep you in my positive thoughts and prayers.

 

[VintagePunk]

Vintage Punk- thanks for responding. I first went to the doctor in January, but didn’t really start therapy until June. I’ve seen counselors off and on in the past, but nothing like this. I really trust the psychologist I’m seeing right now and I think I trust the process and that it will help eventually. So I have hope there.

I do have a few supportive people that I COULD turn to if needed, but I try not to. I don’t want to wear anyone out. At this point, I know I would call someone if it was an emergency, but for the several nights I week I have a “bad” night, I’d rather deal with it myself. I am struggling a little with work, I’m taking more and more time off and I even called in sick once this week and slept most of the day. I know doing things like that aren’t best for me, but at the time I couldn’t make myself get out of bed. At this point my social life is about 0, sometimes, it’s better than others. For the last few weeks I’ve been isolating myself quite a bit. I like what you said about volunteering, it’s a very good point. I need to look into something like that. Seriously.
Thank you very much for your post, you seem to have a good grasp on depression and stuff like that. I may take you up on lending your eyes and ear at some point. Thank you.

It's great that you have such a good relationship with your psychologist. Your time together will be very productive and helpful to you. I'm sure you know this, and you don't need me to tell you, but recovery from depression isn't always smooth and linear. There will be good days and there will be bad days. The good days should give you hope that you'll be able to face the bad ones and get through them until everything evens out and your recovery takes hold. Also, isolating one's self isn't the best thing to do (again, you already know this), and it's probably difficult to overcome the temptation to do this at times, but you're a fighter, right? You can do it. Having regular activities might help you to avoid this. Volunteer work is good, as I mentioned. So too are taking classes in something that interests you, or joining some sort of hobby-related club. I understand your reluctance to burden those close to you, but you have to remember that your perception of being a burden and theirs are probably two very different things. You're probably hyper-sensitive to coming off that way, whereas they would be happy to be there for you, if you'd let them.

My background: while I've never suffered from clinical depression, I've certainly been depressed. With me though, it's always been at times where it's appropriate to be depressed (loss of a loved one, for example), and as such, I wouldn't fit the diagnostic criteria. I've also had some depressed people in my life, but then, who hasn't? It's one of the most common illnesses out there, so it's a rare person who hasn't been affected by it in some form or another. As well, I'm a clinical psych student (a mature student - I wanted a change, and took the plunge and went back to school). I've worked closely with my advisor for a number of years. He's a clinical psychologist who is a full time professor, but he also maintains a part time clinical practice. His main areas of research and interest are the cognitive aspects of depression. Specifically, he's been working on depression and attention. My research has been more interpersonal in nature. Specifically, I'm working on depression, adult attachment, and perfectionism, and how they relate and influence each other. So yes, depression is something I'm very familiar with, both personally and academically/professionally.

I sincerely meant it, please feel free to get in touch with me if you want. And as you can see, this place is full of nice, caring people who would be glad to listen. Hope you're doing well, and that the past few days have been easier for you.

 

[redhotswami]

I understand your reluctance to burden those close to you, but you have to remember that your perception of being a burden and theirs are probably two very different things. You're probably hyper-sensitive to coming off that way, whereas they would be happy to be there for you, if you'd let them.

 

[Angela Harlem]

I don't know where to start...

.. I was diagnosed with depression (and prescribed anti-depressants) for a few years, but then, I attempted (again) and afterward they diagnosed me with bipolar disorder. Since I've been on the bipolar/mood stabilizer medications, I've been doing fantastic.

It gets better. I don't know what else to say. Support systems are important, but I'd be a hypocrite to say you should turn to them because I had a strong group of friends, but none of them knew (I chose not to burden them). The real problem is that when we're depressed, we immerse ourselves in this alternate reality asking "what if"s and wondering "I feel"s. By having all of those thoughts in our heads we begin to sink lower and lower, giving in to the depression. It's like a black hole and you're grasping anything to hold onto, but you get sucked in no matter what.
I've been seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist for a long duration of time and it was only recently that I started to seriously open up to them.

Just remember that the greatest philosophers and scientists suffered depression. I consider it like gaining knowledge... a constant phase of questions that go unanswered. Please, please, please.. hang on. It gets better. I promise you. If you ever want to talk, feel free to e-mail me or message me. I hated being in such a low-feeling position, so my heart goes out to you.

Something I learned from going to AA meetings is that you gotta take baby steps. Think of each day as a gift and try to take it day by day, not thinking about negative things. It's hard, but it can help you. With each negative thought, think of something positive.
Make a list of things that make you happy. Pursue things that you always wanted to do. Right now, despite how down you feel, this time (and all time) is about you. Focus on yourself-- but not too much to over-analyze simple things.

Just based off your thread I see how strong you are. You will do amazing things, change lives, even when you don't know it. It takes courage, alone, to accept that you feel unstable. Stay strong and have hope. Listen to U2 a bit.

When I wake up every morning, I think to myself, "Today, I will add something to someone's life." And you know what I do? I focus on other people and I often lose thought for myself. Just making someone else smile takes some of the suicidal ideations away. Altruism should seriously be a gateway drug.. Take care of yourself.

 

[Angela Harlem]

It's great that you have such a good relationship with your psychologist. Your time together will be very productive and helpful to you. I'm sure you know this, and you don't need me to tell you, but recovery from depression isn't always smooth and linear. There will be good days and there will be bad days. The good days should give you hope that you'll be able to face the bad ones and get through them until everything evens out and your recovery takes hold. Also, isolating one's self isn't the best thing to do (again, you already know this), and it's probably difficult to overcome the temptation to do this at times, but you're a fighter, right? You can do it. Having regular activities might help you to avoid this. Volunteer work is good, as I mentioned. So too are taking classes in something that interests you, or joining some sort of hobby-related club. I understand your reluctance to burden those close to you, but you have to remember that your perception of being a burden and theirs are probably two very different things. You're probably hyper-sensitive to coming off that way, whereas they would be happy to be there for you, if you'd let them.

My background: while I've never suffered from clinical depression, I've certainly been depressed. With me though, it's always been at times where it's appropriate to be depressed (loss of a loved one, for example), and as such, I wouldn't fit the diagnostic criteria. I've also had some depressed people in my life, but then, who hasn't? It's one of the most common illnesses out there, so it's a rare person who hasn't been affected by it in some form or another. As well, I'm a clinical psych student (a mature student - I wanted a change, and took the plunge and went back to school). I've worked closely with my advisor for a number of years. He's a clinical psychologist who is a full time professor, but he also maintains a part time clinical practice. His main areas of research and interest are the cognitive aspects of depression. Specifically, he's been working on depression and attention. My research has been more interpersonal in nature. Specifically, I'm working on depression, adult attachment, and perfectionism, and how they relate and influence each other. So yes, depression is something I'm very familiar with, both personally and academically/professionally.

I sincerely meant it, please feel free to get in touch with me if you want. And as you can see, this place is full of nice, caring people who would be glad to listen. Hope you're doing well, and that the past few days have been easier for you.

One day, in another thread or somewhere, I'd love to hear what you can say on perfectionism. And anxiety. Not generalised, but maybe something else. I'm not even sure.

Mental illness is a big old ocean. to all.

 

[VintagePunk]

One day, in another thread or somewhere, I'd love to hear what you can say on perfectionism. And anxiety. Not generalised, but maybe something else. I'm not even sure.

Anytime!

 

[VintagePunk]

Just wondered if you're still out there, and how you're doing.

 

[redhotswami]

Yeah did you try the grapefruit thing? Because I drank white grapefruit juice for a week and I think it just made me more irritable and prone to outbursts of rage on faulty electronics.

 

[drownoutheworld]

Just wondered if you're still out there, and how you're doing.

Thank you for asking. On a whole, I’m doing better. I haven’t really had any major thoughts of suicide in the past few weeks (didn't really notice that until I started writting this post ). Things are far from as good as they could be, but I have improved some.

Tonight I am struggling. I had to give someone some bad news today that upset them and I’m beating myself up over it. I can’t stop thinking about it. I’m really wanting to cut or burn, but two and a half weeks ago I drew that line in the sand and told myself I wouldn’t do it anymore. I’ve had thoughts of doing something nearly daily, but this is the first time I’ve really really wanted to. I’m fighting it. I have Xanax that I got from the doctor, but I try to avoid taking it. I don’t know, if I need it I should take it, but I hate taking it. Now, I’m just thinking out loud.

 

[drownoutheworld]

Yeah did you try the grapefruit thing? Because I drank white grapefruit juice for a week and I think it just made me more irritable and prone to outbursts of rage on faulty electronics.

nope, no grapefruit here. I have been on an almost all sugar all the time diet since Thanksgiving.

 

[Purplereign]

hope you're doing better today

 

[VintagePunk]

Good to hear that you're doing at least a little better, and that you're winning the fight with the impulses you're having. Good for you! I suspect that you're much stronger than you give yourself credit for.

It sucks when you have to give someone upsetting news, but try to put it into its proper perspective. I'm sure it's something that had to be done, and that you wouldn't do it just for the sake of being mean, or anything. And in many cases, withholding the news would have worse consequences down the road for both you and the recipient. We all feel like shit after something like that, but then it gradually eases.

Hope your holidays are amazing at best, or at the very least, bearable. Take care!

 

[JanuaryStar]

I haven't seen this thread until now. I'm glad to hear that you are doing a little bit better, it seems you're improving (hopefully you're still doing the same the moment I'm typing this) Like some of the others here said already, you should NEVER compare your pain to that of others. Your pain is your pain, and you should never tell yourself it is less important! I've overcome a major depression too, and I cannot really say what the 'trick' is (though I'm sure it won't be drinking lots of grapefruit juice ), though I have a good feeling that you are a strong enough person to overcome this. The way you type your posts, the things you say, make me feel you are going to overcome this too. We can all just be here to listen to your story and try to give you some advice or support. I hope you'll be able to pull this through, to stay as strong and even become stronger than you already have become. Good luck, and if you ever need to vent or just want someone to talk to, I'm here for you Stay safe

 

[drownoutheworld]

Thank for the responses. Believe it or not, I come back and reread this thread even when there are no new posts. The encouragement is comforting. I’m feeling a lot better, not all better yet, but not as depressed.
I do have a question for the experts out there, those of you with experience in dealing with depression. I want to know truthfully, does there ever come a time when you don’t think about suicide? My psychiatrist says yes, but I don’t know. I’m trying to be realistic about what I expect. One, I’ve been depression has been in my life for so long (since I was like 10 or 11), I don’t know what it would be like to live without at, therefore it’s hard to imagine that time could ever come. The second reason is along the same lines, thinking about suicide as a way out has become such a knee jerk reaction for me, that it might be something that’s so ingrained in me that it will always be my first reaction to a painful situation. In high school I wouldn’t do homework assignments because I didn’t plan on being alive when it came time to turn them in. This went on for so long that I don’t know that I could ever see a time when I don’t think that way. I’m open to the idea and would be ok, if it’s true that I’ll always be prone to having those kinds of thoughts because of my history (I know that statistically I’m more likely to kill myself because I’ve tried before), I know the difference between having thoughts and feelings. I just want to know what you guys think it realistic to expect.

On another note, the bad news I had to give someone, was telling my boss that I have gotten another job. But just writing that little post and reading the responses to it helped take some of the edge off that night. Thank you guys, for being here. (you all talk back, my journal doesn’t)

 

[JanuaryStar]

I wouldn't say I'm an expert here, though I understand your feelings. I've been in a depression from say 11 through 18 (with some small ups and downs), I'm almost 21 now. But with the right help and the right thoughts, you really can feel better, trust me. Those feelings of suicide, they can fade. First, it's sort of 'normal' to react to any painful situations with the thoughts of suicide. But then, you are going to grow stronger, and you will think to yourself that there's also other ways to view situations. I am sincerely hoping this growing line will kick in for you too, so that you can look back one day and say - hey, I survived this, I fought this, I am doing better now. Not saying that there will never be any drawbacks, because heaven knows there will be. But I keep believing in you, that you are a strong enough person to pull this off. Please keep posting in here, we're happy enough to respond to your posts, if only we can do so much. Hang in there

 

[The Sad Punk]

I only just caught onto this thread, but I give you my best wishes. I was diagnosed with manic depression when I was 13, and my likelihood of suicide at that time was extremely high. I don't think my first psychiatrist really expected me to get out of out. I never cut myself, but I was depressed all the time and had suicidal urges almost every day. Despite the support of my family throughout the worst of those times (mainly til I was 16, when my anti-depressants really started to kick in), it was still a really tough ride, however short it may be compared to others - I had some very bad panic attacks that led me close to schizophrenia, and at a few points I wasn't expecting to be where I am now. Even know, I don't even acknowledge the year I was diagnosed and the years I suffered worse as years that I lived, just as years where I mostly suffered.

So that's just a bit of confession for you, but I hope it shows you something - that you can get over a depression no matter how bad it may seem at the time, and that no matter where you are and what you're doing, there will be someone caring for you, desperately hoping you succeed in your battle. Fight on.

 

[Purplereign]

I don't have any sage words of advice . . . seems like its all been said beautifully by those before me . . . having lived through a couple of nasty bouts of depression and Post natal depression, and watched a close family member suffer through a full blown psychosis, all I can say is, please hold on, please keep trying and please look after yourself

I wish you all nothing but love, patience and courage

 

[VintagePunk]

Regarding suicidal thoughts, earlier in the thread, you said this:

I haven’t really had any major thoughts of suicide in the past few weeks (didn't really notice that until I started writting this post ).

So to answer your question, I think they will go away, but not while you're actively waiting for them to go away, if that makes sense. It's more that as you regain control of your life and gain a sense of contentment, these thoughts should gradually fade, and then suddenly you'll realize you're not having them anymore.

Here's how I would imagine the process to be: while you're actively depressed and trying to get better, suppressing these thoughts would be like trying not to think of a pink elephant - the more you try, the more they're there, just by virtue of the effort you have to put into not thinking of them. But over time they should fade and then leave, almost like one would get over a romantic breakup. In the acute phase, you're thinking of the person constantly, with longing. Then you eventually get on with your life, and while you still think of them sometimes, your thoughts are filled with other things, too. Then one day you realize that you hardly ever think of them anymore. Even further down the road, you might remember the person from time to time, almost like "wow, remember when I was all wrapped up in that person? Glad I'm not anymore..." They've become irrelevant to the person you've become, and to your new life. I would imagine that that's where you'll end up with regard to the suicidal thoughts some day. For now, it almost sounds like they provide you with some sort of "comfort" when things are at their worst, even though you never intend to act on them. As your recovery progresses, you won't need that "comfort" anymore.

I'm really glad to hear you're feeling better. Hang in there, and try not to let the rough patches throw you, they're completely normal.

Take care, and keep in touch.

 

[Screwtape2]

Thank for the responses. Believe it or not, I come back and reread this thread even when there are no new posts. The encouragement is comforting. I’m feeling a lot better, not all better yet, but not as depressed.
I do have a question for the experts out there, those of you with experience in dealing with depression. I want to know truthfully, does there ever come a time when you don’t think about suicide?

That's good to hear.

To your question, yes and no. They do go away, at least the consideration aspect. There will be moments in life though that will test you and a thought might appear in the back of your mind. You'll be able to be defiant at that point and hopefully will have positive motivation in your mind that brings you back out of the darkness. Depression doesn't disappear for good. There will be bad days but when you feel good about yourself and surround yourself with people that care about you, you'll make it through those days with no problem. Continued luck!

 

[drownoutheworld]

I'm in need again.

i'm back in this thread again because i'm struggling. my thoughts have gone to that dark place again. i feel really horrible. i know i'm not in danger tonight, or tomorrow night. but the way i'm thinking i wouldn't be suprised if it got to that point soon.

i know what the warning signs of suicide are and i see some of them in myself. i do almost nothing but go to work and sleep these days, my appitite sucks, my house is a mess, i aviod friends, i even went four days without showering this week. i don't know what to do, i don't know how to feel better. i'm trying, i really am. i go to suicide prevention sites and if i'm really honest with myself i don't believe a lot of what they say. they say not to listen to your suicidal thoughts, they are just a symptom of the illness. but what about when they seem really really logical?

i don't know when i'm going to die, but if you asked me how i think i'll probably die i'd think suicide. so than myy thinking goes; why put it off if life hurts this bad? i don't know.
i don't have a specific question with this post. i just want to put a little of what i'm thinking out there and see what people have to sayy about it.