Love is tough

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Lancemc

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Man, let me tell you, I really have a problem falling for girls I can't have. I did it several time during high school, and I'm afraid I've done it again in college.

He's the story. I've been here about two months now. I've tried to do the whole dating thing a couple times now with lukewarm results, but it's just not working to well. That's just fine though, I have other more important things to worry about for now. The problem is, I have this friend Kate, who even though I just met two month's ago, has quickly become one of the best friends I've ever had. We spend so much time together (well, compared to the time we actually aren't doing a shit load of work) and I just can't get enough of her.

Problem is, I'm falling for her. I don't want to say I'm falling in "love" with her, because that's pretty strong, but hell, maybe I am. Well, that's only the first problem. Second problem is she had a boyfriend. A boyfriend she's had for three years now. He goes to another University, and I actually got to spend some time with him last week. He's a good guy.

So yeah, if she was single I'd definitely act on my feelings, but I'm not an asshole. I can respect her relationship, unlike a lot of other guys here who hit on her regardless, and it disgusts me. I don't want to be that guy. Now, I can't say I haven't thought about the possibility of them breaking up. Heck, College usually breaks up MOST prior romantic relationships, so it's not unlikely.

Maybe I'll wait for my time. Maybe it will never come, and I don't want to become obsessive, that would ruin everything. So I'm cool. I can totally put this out of my mind and just enjoy our amazing friendship. Or so I thought.

I took her to a completely amazing Frank Black concert last Sunday, and we got there very early. Front row right in front of the bassist. God damn, his band kicks ass. His drummer is the coolest guy I've ever seen. Anyway, I'm getting sidetracked. So we're both standing there watching this guy bang way on these drums, this guy with shoulder length white hair, he's gotta be 50, and he's just rockin out, with the biggest widest open grin on his face. Kate and I love this guy, so in the middle of the choas of the show she just looks back at me and smiles.

Man, that was it. I just looked at her, smiled back, and thought "I'm going to marry her". It was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. It was as this exact moment that I knew I loved her. But maybe I'm just overreacting, I don't know if it's really love yet, or do I? Maybe it was just the spirit of Rock and Roll, music IS passion afterall. But my God, that smile killed me. If I could capture a single moment thoughout the history of man and just live in it for all eternity, that would be it.

*Sigh* I'm such a romantic, haha, ;). But seriously, I know what I have to do. I have to preserve the friendship. She's too amazing to loose by screwing things up with romantic complications. I could be way off base. So am I asking for advice? Maybe, but I feel like I've heard it all before. A little insight can never hurt though. Maybe I just wanted to put this down in writing, in some real form because it has been eating me up inside... ever since that smile, that smile had to be designed specifically by God.

So, maybe I just wanted to share a story. I think it's a good one. So, leave advice if you want, and I'll let you know how it ends, if it ends, when it ends. Love it tough though, isn't it? :)
 
Her bf doesnt mind you spending time with her? Or does she even tell him?
 
Sicy said:
Her bf doesnt mind you spending time with her? Or does she even tell him?

Well, no he doesn't mind. He knows we're close friends, and he's a genuinely good guy. I just haven't confessed these feelings to anyone yet. Ugh, what a mess. :)
 
Odds are good that she and her bf will break up. I think waiting it out is your only option. You might want to get some distance maybe even try to go on a date with another girl in the meantime.

Nice story :heart:
 
^ redkat is right. not that i'm saying all pre-college relationships are doomed. but for some that is the first time having to deal w/ a long distance relationship, and some don't make it past the 1st year.

that is a really sweet story :heart:

WHERE did you see Frank Black and why did I not hear of this? :confused:
 
Haha, we saw Frank Black at the 9:30 Club here in Washington DC, it was such an amazing show. He opened with 6 solo acoustic songs, then rocked the house with 20-some odd full band tracks. Like I said, his band was cooler than shit, and LOUD too. It really rocked. :rockon:

But anyway, I suppose you're right Redkat. I can't help feeling a little sleezy sitting around waiting for them to breakup, haha, if that's the right word for it. Yet, another part of me really wants it to happen, as horrible as that is.

Last night was fun. Kate, her roommate Michelle, me, and our friend Kyle all curled up in Michelle's little bed and watched The Big Labowski on her laptop. Kate and I shared a blacket. :heart: *sigh* I've got it bad :lol:. I'd post a picture of her if it wasn't a little creepy and inappropriate. She's so amazing. :love:
 
Lancemc, if it gives you any hope, I met my now-husband my first year in college and he was actually dating someone else, as he had been for three years prior. I just liked him as a friend, so we hung out a lot. His relationship had issues, so he broke up and we started going out a while later. The rest is history!
 
Kinda sounds like she might like you too.. I'd also wait it out. You dont want to be the cause of their breakup but you might just want to be the guy that consoles her after she does break up ;)
 
Thanks again for the words of wisdom. Dueling is an exceptionally good idea. ;)

It's sort of absurd though to think about. Here at AU, 65% of the student body is female, and about 1/4 of the male population is gay. You'd think with odds like that it would be fairly easy to meet someone! :lol: But being the typical me, I have to go and fall in love with one of the few girls here in a surviving relationship.:wink:
 
As a fellow male, I've been blessed/cursed with the inclination 2 fall 4 people quickly. I'm a romantic at heart, always have been according 2 my mom and dad, and God has blessed me with the ability 2 c beauty in people who are invisible 2 or r taken granted by others.

This plagued me through High School. 4 some reason, I could never fall in love w/ the girls that were crazy 4 me and made their intentions very clear, my heart strings were always being tugged by those JUST out of reach.

Now, as a single father going through divorce and with a 17 month old beauty of a son that lives w/me, I went through several stages after the break-up of my marriage. First, I went and partied like it was 1999 for a while, and while I did a thing or two that I laugh at looking back, and I spent WAY 2 much money partying, I also had a blast.

But now my focus is my kid, which is my saving Grace. It's harder 4 U because U don't have that, something 2 help fill Ur life (I hope that doesn't come across as mean-spirited), and this woman WOULD do it 4 U.

Lately, I've looked at "Stay (Faraway, So Close!) differently than I had in years. I always saw the invisible Angel falling 4 a human who doesn't c him. But now, I c it through the eyes of someone in love with somebody who is just out of reach, in another relationship.

U feel like U can make this person complete, and U struggled because U know it's probably not right 2 make that known. It's tough, man. I've been there, and maybe I'm finding myself in a similar situation again :faint:.

I can't tell U anything xcept if U believe in God, wait 4 the answer on what 2 do.
 
redkat said:
Odds are good that she and her bf will break up. I think waiting it out is your only option. You might want to get some distance maybe even try to go on a date with another girl in the meantime.

Nice story :heart:
WOW beat me to it, Kat. If I learned anything in high school, it's not to lust after one person who is going out with someone. Even if they seem completely taken with each other. They will probably break up, and in the interim, you can get some 'experience' from dating other people casually.

Bam!
 
Again, thanks for the advice. It's obviously the only way to go from here. I just really wish I wouldn't put myself in these kinds of situations. Honestly, if I could control such things I would just as soon not have these feelings for her. Things would be so much easier. But, unfortunately, you just can't choose to not love someone. :shrug: Spending time with her drives me nuts. She just lights me up. Even thinking about her right now warms my heart. Yet, at the same time, being with her hurts a little afterwards because I know just can't tell her yet.

Disciple, that's a bittersweet story if I ever heard one. I can't imagine how you feel. On one hand it must be awful to live through a divorce, yet on the other, a child must be the most amazing experience one can have. Luckily, or perhaps not so, I don't have to deal with that just yet. ;)
 
Thank U. I was grateful 4 my son when he was born and my wife and I were 2gether. 7 short months later we WEREN'T 2gether, and I was faced with the prospect of raising this little man w/out his mom.

Through the difficulties, he's what has kept me alive. He gives me a reason 2 get up in the morning, he gives me my smile, and I'm happier than ever in one sense, even though I do miss being in love. I can't lie about that. But being so happy with him gives me hope that when/if I find somebody that I fall in love with again and that love is returned, my "cup will overflow" w/ blessings.

I hope God makes U happy and that if that means being with this girl, and (this may sound preachy) if it's in His plan, it will happen. Just hang tight.

I wish U the absolute best. While it works itself out, as hard as this can b, njoy the friendship and the times U DO have w/ her. :up:
 
Aye, it keeps getting harder. Her boyfriend Jordan is coming down this weekend to visit. :rolleyes: Seeing her talk about him makes her so happy, but I don't feel bitter. I love seeing her like that. Her smile is so beautiful. Hmm, that's probably a good sign I'm in it deep. :)

It's so difficult hiding these feelings from everyone, especially her. It's not really fair that honesty, about something so wonderful, can royally fuck things up so much. Not fair at all. But that's to be expected. I'm just not sure I can do it. Part of me just thinks I should let it all out and let things be as they may, but that's the irrational part. The rational part of me knows I must do what everyone has suggested so far, what I knew I had to do form the beginning, wait it out. But when I find myself thinking about her and this awkward situation constantly, it's incredibly distracting, and the less I talk about it the more it swells inside me. It's a damn good thing I have at least this place to put things down in writing.

Also, forgive me for being so damn "emo", haha. ;) This isn't my usual style. Then again, in retrospect, I don't think I've ever truely been in love before either. :wink:
 
Hrm, I recently talked to my good friend from home about this, and she offered different advice. She spoke of regrets, which is also something my father instilled in me. Doing nothing may just lead to another missed opportunity, another "What if" in my life. Maybe a huge one at that. She basically adviced me to tell Kate how I feel and leave it up to fate to decide what happens next.

On one hand, maybe she has some feelings for me as well which wouldn't have grown without me opening up first. And from there, who knows what. And on the other hand, she feels nothing for me, but if she's as good a friend as I hope she is, it won't ruin our friendship.

So, I have no idea what to do now. My Friend who adviced me on this obviously knows me much better than you guys do and she's been in similar situations, yet she's the first and only person to reccomend that course of action.

She was fairly convincing, but I'm still not sure what I want to do one way or the other. The part of me that agrees with my friend is stronger than ever and just wants to throw everything out there and relieve this unbarable pressue. I don't know though. Ack. :grumpy:
 
This girl you like isn't going anywhere what's the rush? You're going to force her into a corner. If she knows you like her and she isn't ready to give up on her relationship she may feel the need to give up your friendship.

I'm a big no regrets person myself I'd say go for it if the time was right. Think of her reaction. Even if she likes you she would be conflicted because apparently for the moment her relationship with her boyfriend is holding up.

p.s I think most of us have been in similar situations :wink:

Good luck whatever you decide
 
Wise words redkat. I have considered that. I knew from the start there was a big chance of screwing up the friendship. Deep down I know you're right too, it's just so hard.

*sigh* So I still have a lot more thinking to do. I don't know how long I can wait. It's already so difficult. How long will it be if ever? A month? A few months? A year or two?? Who's to say. While waiting an indeterminite length of time for what could possibly be the love of your life is a beautifully romantic ideal, I'm not sure I can see myself enduring that kind of pressure.

And it wasn't my intention to imply only my friend had been in this situation either, I just, well, I don't really know why I said that. :lol: Oh well. :wink:
 
Lancemc said:


And it wasn't my intention to imply only my friend had been in this situation either, I just, well, I don't really know why I said that. :lol: Oh well. :wink:

I know I'm just a smartass

It's friday night go! get out! there are single girls on campus, have fun :)
 
;) Yeah, I hear you. Halloween party tonight I believe.

I think I decided to wait it out too. I was just talking to her and realized I can't do anything to risk losing her. If keeping my mouth shut is what it takes, that's what I'll do. :)
 
If I think back on a similar situation I had in high school with a girl I thought I was 'super in love with', now I really regret not making my feelings known early on.

Once you're in the 'friend zone' it's very hard to escape. Very, very hard.
 
Well, do you still reccomend waiting it out, Canadiens?
Right now I think that's what I'm going to do, but there's still one thing that I fear more than losing her friendship, and that's regretting doing nothing later in life. I've already done that once before and I don't plan on doing it again.
 
Lancemc said:
Hrm, I recently talked to my good friend from home about this, and she offered different advice. She spoke of regrets, which is also something my father instilled in me. Doing nothing may just lead to another missed opportunity, another "What if" in my life. Maybe a huge one at that. She basically adviced me to tell Kate how I feel and leave it up to fate to decide what happens next.

On one hand, maybe she has some feelings for me as well which wouldn't have grown without me opening up first. And from there, who knows what. And on the other hand, she feels nothing for me, but if she's as good a friend as I hope she is, it won't ruin our friendship.

So, I have no idea what to do now. My Friend who adviced me on this obviously knows me much better than you guys do and she's been in similar situations, yet she's the first and only person to reccomend that course of action.

She was fairly convincing, but I'm still not sure what I want to do one way or the other. The part of me that agrees with my friend is stronger than ever and just wants to throw everything out there and relieve this unbarable pressue. I don't know though. Ack. :grumpy:

That story about the smile she gave you at the concert melted my cold, black heart. :cute:

Here's another idea - sounds like your friendship is exceptionally close, and could probably withstand some intimacy (not the sexual kind, just the closeness kind). Sooo, what do you think would happen if, during a moment of closeness, one similar to the concert moment you described, you looked into her eyes, smiled, and said to her "if only you weren't taken..." and then left it at that? She'd know that she means something to you, but that you respect her and her relationship enough to not make a move...and I also think that by doing something like this, you're not going TOO far, where it would make the friendship awkward.

Obviously, you can judge best how she'd react, but if it were me and a male friend, I think I'd be touched. :)
 
I like VP's idea :up:

Lance shouldn't you be out?!! :wink:

Canadiens is right but you're already the friend and you don't want to lose it. If you do something make it very subtle.
 
Thanks Kat. :) Shouldn't YOU be out, too? :eyebrow: :wink:

I'm also of the belief that if she's sharing a blanket with you while watching a movie, then she's probably not completely averse to the idea of something more happening in the future, should circumstances allow it.
 
Thanks a lot VP, that might be a good idea. I think she'd at least be flattered. It's something to consider for sure. It's pretty sly too, but I can deal with that. ;)

And yeah, we went to the Halloween party around 8 over at one of the frats. It was pretty shitty. Two friends and I left early, a lot more stayed though. Oh well. Kate's friend is visiting this weekend, so I think a few of us are doing something later tonight. We'll see. :)
 
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