Locks on doors?!

[pgv]

(I had literally no idea where to put this, mods, so just stuck it in here... feel free to move )

For the last year or so now I have really wanted a lock on my bedroom door. First and foremost, because I'm a such a paranoid person and like the idea of feeling safe and locked in at night. Also, there's my mum.... I don't think she looks around my room when I'm out, but she has an awful habit of 'finding' things when she was 'cleaning.' She has 'found' a condom in my room (there for literally the most innocent of reasons), a packet of cigarettes from when some friends left them in my room after a party. And she is always moving things around, taking stuff ("I thought this could do with a wash..." etc). It really, really annoys me - because it's my space, and I can do what I want with it. There aren't any 'you have to tidy your room!' rules because if its a mess, then I deal with it. Yet she's still always coming in and I'm getting a bit fed up of it - I'm 17, and need some space. And because I have next to no storage in there, I have all sorts of private things littered about - letters, things I've written, christmas presents etc.

I don't think it's completely unreasonable to want a lock on my door, but for some unquestionable reason my mum has told me quite firmly 'no' and not given any justification for that decision. I'm considering just putting a lock on my door when she's out, but I'd really like to avoid the confrontation. After turning up at home with 2 tattoos and 3 piercings in the past, I'm not a big fan of just thrusting things onto her. They didn't go down too well (slight understatement there) and I doubt this would either...

So I don't know what to do! Maybe I'm being ridiculous, do other people let their kids have locks on their bedroom doors?

 

[phillyfan26]

I've no lock on my door. My mother does occasionally come through to clean, and it bugs me very much. But I've not asked for a lock or anything, I don't outwardly care all that much.

 

[pgv]

I don't really want to mention it again, because then it seems like I have reason to want a lock - as though I've got something to hide, or whatever. I don't want to act like I care about it (because then she'll probably end up suspecting something), but I do.

 

[gman]

While you live under your parents roof, you have to abide and respect their wishes. I (as a parent) would be suspect if my kids wanted a lock on their door!

 

[Bonochick]

I can understand having a lock on your door to use it for when you are in your room and doing something like changing your clothes and not wanting someone busting in...but you want a lock on your door when you aren't home so your mom can't enter? I think that's a pretty bold request from a teenager...and it also makes it really seem like you have something to hide. That being said, can you really blame your mom for maybe nosing around your room a bit while she's cleaning? I'm not saying it's right...but by requesting a lock on your door to keep her out, you are basically saying, "I have stuff to hide from you."

Also, try to keep it in the back of your mind that your mom obviously cares about you and loves you. You may be mad that she found things like the condom and cigarettes in your room, but at least she cared enough about you to ask you about them. There are some parents out there who really just don't care...and that may seem like a dream for you, to have your mother just leave you alone completely and not question your life at all...but I think that's really sad.

 

[Liesje]

While you live under your parents roof, you have to abide and respect their wishes. I (as a parent) would be suspect if my kids wanted a lock on their door!

Agreed. At my parents house, we never even had locks on the bathroom doors. The house was old. Some of the doors have a skeleton key lock, but they don't work and who knows where the keys are (this house was 150 years old). Parent's house, parent's rules. However, I always shared a room/bed with at least one sibling and the bathroom with the whole family, so privacy in any form was a luxury!

 

[Zoots]

If she didn't raise hell on finding a condom, I'd say you have a pretty liberal mom that gives you enough space! Putting a lock on your door and keeping her out even more does not sound like a good idea to me. And I'm not a parent but I'm not a teenager either, I'm 29 and understand what you're going thru cos I've been thru it but my parents were a lot stricter than yours from what it sounds.

 

[Screwtape2]

Emma, I think it is very clear to everyone that your mom really loves you. So my advice to you is to sit down with her and have a talk. Tell her you aren't hiding anything and that you have personal things around your room. Good parents can sense when their children are being honest. Your mom seems like a great parent so that shouldn't be a problem. Also tell her that you know she does it because she cares about you. I think a good mother to daughter talk could add to the trust you have in each other. So basically what I'm saying is have a calm talk to relieve both your worries. Good luck.

 

[kafrun]

I had a lock on my door growing up, but I had to with four brothers

 

[bonocrazy88]

I am 19 and live at home and my door doesn't lock *that I know of* but Mom and Dad always knock. My ex-boyfriend was always amazed that my mom knocked on the door when we were in there. But honestly, she didn't want to walk in on anything. We talked to my mom about everything and we had a really open dialogue about that kind of thing.

But my mom is a neat freak. She's not so much snoopy as she is just obsessed with cleaning up. Often, she will come into my room and try to clean up. I've told her hundreds of times not to mess around in my closet or drawers. We've always had a good open relationship, but I doubt she wants to see my sex toys.

 

[pgv]

But my mom is a neat freak. She's not so much snoopy as she is just obsessed with cleaning up. Often, she will come into my room and try to clean up. I've told her hundreds of times not to mess around in my closet or drawers. We've always had a good open relationship, but I doubt she wants to see my sex toys.

That's exactly the same with my mum - she doesn't look through my things, just comes across them while obsessively tidying things. ( Although I'm afraid I doubt she'd find any sex toys in my room... ) We've got a good relationship and I don't want to ruin things. But there are alot of occasions when she goes out early or we have people round when I'm in bed, and I don't feel comfortable with my door being unlocked. And changing and stuff - she has walked in on me COUNTLESS times when I'm changing, and it doesn't matter how many times I tell her to knock, she doesn't.

I completely respect my mum and don't want a lock on my door to hide things. Just, to have control of my room really. We don't have locks on the bathroom doors either. I'm just generally in need of my own space I think.

 

[Techie2000]

Never had a lock on my door, and it does sound suspicious for a 17 year old to need a bedroom lock. Heck I'm 21 and don't have one.

Once you have your own job to pay for your own place with your own money, then you can have all the locks you want. Until then, it's your parents domain, and they are nice enough to let you live there. You must abide by their rules. If there are things you don't want them to find, then I suggest a lockbox or some kind of hidden container. If it just bothers you that they go through your room in general, you can ask them to not come and clean your room. You may have to compromise and agree to clean once a week or something like that.

 

[Total U2 Nut]

I can understand where you're coming from I'm 18, and I don't have a lock on my door, which is irritating because there are six of us in the house and no-one really heeds other people's personal space. Also, my Dad works from home, and his office is right next to my room, in the loft, and so he'll just barge in whenever. He's a neat-freak, and I came home one day to find out he'd completely cleared out my desk and everything on it (which horrified me because I've got diaries and other personal stuff that I'd hate for him to stumble across). I've never made a big deal out of having a lock because there's no way they'd let me have one anyway - the only doors with locks are the bathroom doors, and they can be opened with a coin from the outside anyway.
They like the excuse "it's a fire hazard" - so I just get on with it, it bugs me, but I just think I'm out of here in a few months anyway so what the hell. Though tbh, I can't imagine many parents being fine with their kids having locks on their doors.

 

[Thora]

It would have been nice to have had locks on my door as a teen, but like many people have already said, my parents would have never allowed that.

If there are things you don't want them to find, then I suggest a lockbox

This is a decent suggestion. If there are papers/diaries or whatever small that you'd like to keep private, put them in this, and keep the lockbox in your closet or somewhere else that's out of sight.

Otherwise, it may stink to not have the kind of privacy you'd like, but until you move out, you are living in your parent's house, and they set the rules they think are best. Not much to be done about it, unfortunately.

 

[Laura M]

They like the excuse "it's a fire hazard" - so I just get on with it, it bugs me,...

That was one of my first thoughts when I was reading this thread. I'd hardly call it an excuse. Your parents are right. I wouldn't put a lock on my door for that very reason. In the house we rent we have a really, really loud fire alarm and it has never woken me up when it goes off at night. It already worries me to know that I continue sleeping through the racket it makes so I wouldn't chance things by locking myself in my room.

There are other dangers too. What if you became sick during the night, or fell out of bed and hurt yourself and someone couldn't get into your room to help you? It's highly unlikely, but it could still happen.

It's my space, and I can do what I want with it.

My brother always uses that line and he's reminded that it's not his house nor is he paying the mortgage. It always starts a huge row. At least you know that you can talk to your Mum about it. At the end of the day it is your Mum's house and she is allowed to decide the rules but I understand why you want privacy. I hope youse can come to some agreement.

Maybe you could have a lock on your door if you agreed not to lock it at night? Or maybe you could put your letters and things in something like this -->WHSmith.co.uk | Silver Metal Homefile. We got one after our house was broken into last year. Very handy.

 

[KhanadaRhodes]

If there are things you don't want them to find, then I suggest a lockbox or some kind of hidden container.

i agree. this sounds like a good compromise. i've been lucky to have always had locks on my doors my whole life, but i rarely ever lock my door.

the lockbox is a great way of locking away the things you don't want your mom to come across when she's cleaning things, without the added drama of just going out and putting a lock on your door. if all else fails, i suggest sitting down and having a serious heart to heart with her and explaining how her snooping around when she cleans makes you feel, maybe that'll get her to cut it out. or at least it'll keep her mouth shut about what she finds.

 

[Zoots]

Actually now that I think about it, my sister (younger) and I didn't even have our own rooms growing up! My family has never been that well off and we shared a room so we'd put both our stuff, music, movies etc. together. I'd pretty much dominate the wall with the posters and she had her stuff in drawers and what not. And I remember if we tried locking the door of that room for too long, we'd get yelled at. My parents would be like.. you can't lock this door, we need to come into this room too sometimes! It was still okay, not that bad. Maybe that's why after I got here, I wanted my own room from the beginning, after being deprived of it growing up! It feels good to have my own apartment now. lol.

 

[Liesje]

Actually now that I think about it, my sister (younger) and I didn't even have our own rooms growing up! My family has never been that well off and we shared a room so we'd put both our stuff, music, movies etc. together. I'd pretty much dominate the wall with the posters and she had her stuff in drawers and what not. And I remember if we tried locking the door of that room for too long, we'd get yelled at. My parents would be like.. you can't lock this door, we need to come into this room too sometimes! It was still okay, not that bad. Maybe that's why after I got here, I wanted my own room from the beginning, after being deprived of it growing up! It feels good to have my own apartment now. lol.

Yup, I used to share with my brother (bunk bed), then my sister, then my brother AND sister (bottom bunk was double, for sis and I, brother got "scared" of the dark so insisted on using our top bunk). At our "new" house, sis and I shared a room and a double bed (brother's room was about the size of a closet). When I got to college, everyone was complaining about the jail cell sized rooms and sharing bathrooms, but it was the first time since age 2 I had my own BED!

 

[last unicorn]

I had a lock on my bedroom door when I was growing up in my parent's house. I used it a lot. I just so like and need my privacy, I felt like that even as a child. Sometimes my mother would get annoyed and take the key away. Later in my teens I was locking myself in a lot. There were things I didn't want to share with anyone. My father was - and still is - very intrusive. Sometimes even today when I visit his house for a couple of days I lock the door to the room I'm sleeping in because he would just come in. It took me years to tell him to knock on the door, now he's knocking but he comes in no matter what I say. I just don't like this, because sometimes I just want to be by myself and not be interrupted or distracted. I think parents need to have respect for kids as much as the other way around, and children do have their right for privacy as well.

 

[Purplereign]

I think parents need to have respect for kids as much as the other way around, and children do have their right for privacy as well.

"Knock - wait - enter" was always the rule in our house growing up and its what I'm trying to teach my kids so we can avoid the whole lock on the door scenario!
Growing up, Mum would give my brother and I 'notice' that she was going to have a tidy up day (probably in the interests of public health and safety . . . who knows what grows in the bottom of a teenagers closet ) and we had a box on the top shelf of the closet that was a 'No Mum Zone' - kept everybody happy!

 

[Carek1230]

I put a lock on my bedroom door during my very rebellious teen years living at home in my parents house. I did it for freedom, privacy and to keep my sister from constantly "borrowing" my stuff. I think it was more a control thing as when I was locked in my room I was safe and in control of my "safe" feeling and environment. My father removed the lock several times and I'd just put another one on. He wasn't as smart as I was when my son also repeated this rebelliousness and I removed first his doorknob and then his DOOR. When in someone else's home I do believe it the right and proper thing to do by following their rules. When you have your own place, you can do what you wish. If you have things you don't want touched or found out, a lockbox is a good idea

 

[Lila64]

I'd agree with a lot of people here - go with a lock box of some sort. And definitely have a talk with your mom.

We don't have any locks on any doors here except one of the bathrooms. And we all need our privacy sometimes. If Maddy gets mad or wants some privacy, she'll usually go in her room & close the door. If she's really pissed off, she might post a note outside (rarely). But I wouldn't enter without knocking, and I certainly won't be going in and cleaning up after her She knows when her room needs to be cleaned (when the cleaners come once a month), and if she wants it clean in between times, she can do it herself. Or she can leave it a mess (with limitation). It is her space, and I remember when I was growing up & always having mom nag at me to clean up (rebellious like everyone else!). Don't think she ever went thru my things. She probably couldn't get in (I wasn't that bad )

 

[yolland]

When I got to college, everyone was complaining about the jail cell sized rooms and sharing bathrooms, but it was the first time since age 2 I had my own BED!

That was my childhood as well...by the end there were 5 of us sleeping in one room with my parents in the only other bedroom, so yeah, when I went off to college I noticed many of my dorm-mates were clearly having a hard time dealing with the lack of privacy, whereas to me the situation was if anything an improvement.

Re: the thread topic, I agree with the general assessment that a lockbox is probably the best 'compromise,' though committing to keeping your room neat and tidy yourself might help cut down on problems (and put you in a better position to have a talk with your mother about how while you appreciate that it's her instinct as a parent to clean up after you etc., you feel it's no longer necessary for someone else to manage your space for you). I think a door lock would likely send the kind of defensive message you probably really don't want to get into, though.

The not-knocking-before-coming-in thing, is to me kind of a different issue and may be worth a separate talk with her if you can keep it cool and emphasize that you don't have anything to hide, it's just that you (I assume!) extend her that same respect for privacy by knocking then waiting for her permission before entering her room, and other than habit, is there really any reason why she now couldn't extend the same to you?

 

[pgv]

After reading most of the threads in this post, I think a lock box is a good idea that will avoid any rudeness. I don't want to be disrespectful towards my mum, but she just does not understand the 'knocking' rule. I spoke to her about this recently and of course she agreed that it was fair and something she's always done. But she hasn't kept to it at all. I was in my bedroom reading earlier and she knocked but walked straight in before I had any chance to say anything. I could have been changing or whatever, I find it irritating that she can't keep to that.
But I don't think there's anything I can do, I've already spoken to her about this once. If I bring it up again I will probably just seem confrontational.

 

[Carek1230]

Could you maybe put a note on the outside of your door? If you are reading maybe put a note saying Please do not disturb, I am reading (or napping, whatever fits here) and please knock before entering.

 

[pgv]

That's a good idea, I might try that carek

 

[Carek1230]

^I was thinking another good idea might be what they have in a lot of dorms here at universities and that is those write on/wipe off message boards. You can put one of those on your door instead of always taping notes up. Maybe your mum would allow you to tack one of those onto the outside of your bedroom door?

 

[sue4u2]

After reading most of the threads in this post, I think a lock box is a good idea that will avoid any rudeness. I don't want to be disrespectful towards my mum, but she just does not understand the 'knocking' rule. I spoke to her about this recently and of course she agreed that it was fair and something she's always done. But she hasn't kept to it at all. I was in my bedroom reading earlier and she knocked but walked straight in before I had any chance to say anything. I could have been changing or whatever, I find it irritating that she can't keep to that.
But I don't think there's anything I can do, I've already spoken to her about this once. If I bring it up again I will probably just seem confrontational.

Just knocking and coming into your room is rude. You are old enough to have a certain amount of privacy. I never walked in on my son and respected that his room was his space.
Did I go in there? Yeah, you bet, but he knew I would because I told him so. It only took a couple of incidences for him to realize it really wasn't his place and couldn't do EVERYTHING he wanted.
However, I never opened his door without knocking. Not just because he was male either. It would have been the same if it was my daughter. Only problem we had was he would say - what? when I knocked, and I would tell him I wasn't talking to him through the door. If he didn't get up or say come in, I wanted to know why.
There was a couple of years 18 & 19 - before he got his own place - that he started working and helping with some expenses. I never entered his room again, without him being there.
There are exceptions though. I never worried about my son doing drugs or drinking with underage friends in my place. That would have been a totally different situation. If your mom has any reason to worry about you having an eating disorder or dirinking, drugs etc.. Then don't expect things to change. (and they shouldn't)
Otherwise, It's a matter of respect and manners. She taught you manners, now she should practice what she's preached.
You're very fortunate she loves you so much but she needs to show a bit more respect.