Letting go of all but love (am I manic, or did I actually change myself?)

[collapse]

hello friends

I have a story to tell

Sorrow found me when I was young...I was diagnosed with depression when I was in fourth grade or so. It comes and goes in phases and sometimes it's a lot worse than others, but I've never felt like I was ever truly over it. It's always just been part of me. tried various meds and some therapy and such and nothing seemed to do much.

Comorbid with my depression has been the affliction of unrequited love for practically my entire "adult" life (I'm 22). i was in love with my one of my best friends (who was in another relationship) for about four years. it ended kinda badly. then not even a year later it happens again, except this time the guy is married. GREAT! in an odd twist of fate he kind of fell for me too ... we became very, very close, hung out all the time, and were even intimate a few times. but he ended "it" (not that it was ever officially a thing, it just kinda happened) because of his marriage. we've still been friends since then but I've been so tortured by longing and jealousy and sadness and despair and resentment toward him ... all this agony wrapped up in "love." meanwhile i feel increasingly more almost like i don't have a soul, i'm just this terrible shell of a person. constantly doing drugs (nothing too crazy, just weed and booze and adderall mostly, but still) to distract myself from myself. always hiding in my memories because the present isn't enough and the future will just bring more suffering

then something changed inside of me

I thought the only way to get over being in love would be to cut the guy out of my life completely (which would really, really suck for a long time) and eventually all my feelings toward him would fade, and i would feel indifferent, and our friendship would have all been for nothing

but I realized something

I wasn't supposed to let go of love...I needed to let go of everything else. all those negative feelings i thought were just a part of the package - the constant longing and wanting and needing and the feeling like my soul was being ripped apart and all my anger at him because he did not choose me - i let all my selfishness go, and there was only love. this most pure and amazing love for him.

I've never felt this way before. It's overwhelming. It's like there's this warmth and light in me that's trying to burst out. it's a combination of feelings i'd lost and something new. suddenly i'm alive in every moment. I feel like my senses are enhanced as if i were high, but i'm totally sober. I am truly remorseful for my wrongs, but at the same time I'm not holding on to regret. i just want to move forward and be the best person i can. I am free. i feel like a U2 song. that kind of ultimate joy.

the truth is I'm kind of terrified. because I thought this kind of thing only happens in the movies. or at least, it could never happen to me, because i was destined for despair.

there's another problem. my mother and her mother are both bipolar. i haven't shown any signs of mania yet so i've only been diagnosed with depression, but i'm worried this could be my first. since I had this change of heart (a couple days ago) my good feelings have been so intense. it's made me cry because it's so powerful. and i've had trouble sleeping, though i did manage to sleep a bit. i have been kinda restless, so overcome that i don't know what to do with myself. other than that i don't have any of the classic mania signs. i don't feel like spending a bunch of money or doing drugs or having promiscuous sex or anything like that. in fact, for once i feel like i really DON'T want to do drugs. i do have hope for the future for the first time in a long while, but i don't have a bunch of grand ambitions to take over the world or anything. i'm trying to take things one step at a time. i don't have a grandiose view of myself... i don't think i'm particularly special or important. actually i don't really think anything about myself, other than I want to be good.

so i guess i'm trying to figure out if this change is really me, or if it's just an illness. because if in fact i'm crazy, i don't know how i can survive when it all comes crashing down. not that i expect to feel this "high" forever. i just want the change in me to be real, because i don't want to be that selfish person again, drowning myself in my own sea of sorrow. i'm so so scared that this isn't me and that's the real me. i couldn't stand it if it were, if i can't change myself and grow.

if anyone has taken the time to read all this I would greatly appreciate your input, especially if you have or know someone with bipolar disorder. also would love to hear from anyone who considers themselves religious or spiritual. my stance on religion is a long and complicated story i can elaborate on if anyone wants, but basically no matter how many times i've tried to "feel" it i haven't, and i'd basically given up on it. i felt like even if there was a God, surely I was not one of his children. not a wretch like me. i'm not suddenly converted or anything, but it does have me wondering if some greater power is at work.

thanks, sorry for the incredibly long post.

 

[Rachel D.]

If you think you might be bipolar, you need to talk to a doctor or counselor to get diagnosed. Having an undiagnosed mental illness can lead to a lot of trouble (I have relatives with mental problems who live in misery because they are too proud to admit that they need help). You also need to quit doing drugs; that will only make your problems worse in the long run and won't help you with your mental health. Also, you should not be having an affair with a married man. Adultery destroys peoples' lives and you don't want that on your conscience. I'm not saying this to judge you; it will just save you (and him) a lot of grief in the future.

God still loves you, even if you don't feel like you deserve it. I would recommend that if you want to "find" God, that you should start praying. Even if you don't feel any different at first, if you pray with a genuine desire to change, I believe that God will help you. Don't worry about religion right now as a practice; just start talking to God and ask Him to show you what you should do. Reading the Bible might help you, too; the book of John is a good place to start.

 

[MsPurrl]

Good advice, Rachel.

 

[rootedphoenix]

I think it's very, very possible to have a change of heart like you have, even if the change is quick and drastic. Even so, do talk to a mental health professional. They can help you sort things out, and guide you in ways to keep this good feeling.

for not wanting to take drugs anymore. That's a huge thing.

 

[cobl04]

not knowing whether this ecstacy is a true change or a false dawn must be terrifying... i hope it's the former. good luck

 

[collapse]

hey all -

just wanted to end the story. or rather, that chapter of my life. after much reflection, talking with others, and praying, I really came to the conclusion that this feeling could not have come from myself alone, and that God's love had found me. i did something i never thought possible - i accepted Jesus Christ. the whole story. Jesus the Son of God died for our sins, and in Him we are forgiven and have eternal salvation. i know, it probably sounds completely nuts to anyone who doesn't believe. because it is in fact the most incredible story, and while a part of me has always wanted to believe it, i never could. i was drenched in cynicism, and i thought there could be no happy ending for me. and i was right to think i didn't deserve it - no one does. that's the beauty of it. that's Mercy.

i'm still in awe of all this, and i'm a total n00b. but i can truly say that in pretty much every way, i am the opposite of what i was. the stuff about being reborn? it really is like that. because as soon as you make the decision to let Christ lead your life, it starts to happen. i felt it happening even before i asked Him into my heart, because i felt Him. i used to be in a state of despair. now, though i am still fully capable of the spectrum of human emotion (including sorrow, anger, loneliness, etc), i am ultimately a joyous being. i've felt "happy" before, but joy is something else altogether. it's like being a kid again. i used to yearn to connect with people, yet at the same time was fearful and i really put walls up inside. i thought i was generally nice, but i really wasn't. i was pretty selfish, and stuck to my "crowd" of a few people, and even those i often neglected because of my own self-absorbed depression. now, i feel genuine compassion for mankind, and i feel i can turn no one away. anyone who contacts me i do my best to respond with kindness, and i genuinely want to help others. not just my closest friends. anyone and everyone. and though i am still not super outgoing (just not my personality), i do feel warm and open, and i don't really feel afraid of people anymore.

the married man i was talking about - i see him with his wife and rejoice at their love, and pray for their continued happiness and commitment. though i feel guilt for what i have done, i know i am forgiven, so a burden has been lifted. they are both also believers. i had a long discussion with him and i can honestly say i really love him now as a brother in Christ, and we are closer than we ever have been before. i'd be lying if i said the selfish part of me was completely gone - it never will be on this earth, and i know there will be times i screw up. but i know all is forgiven, and i know i have made the right choice.

i'm not denying the existence of mental illness. my mother is a committed Christian now and also definitely bipolar. however, i do believe my own depression was a result of a separation from God. i keep thinking "this is too good to be true; i'm gonna change my mind later or something." but faith isn't a feeling; it's a decision. and while there will be times God feels far away, i know now He's never really gone. i could slip up, but there's no way i could go back to the way i was. i was selfish and empty and constantly desperate. nothing had meaning. now, every day is a blessing, and i am eager to begin studying the Bible, connecting with other believers, and hopefully one day i too can help others find Jesus.

sorry if this sounds preachy... i mean, it is preachy, and i understand if i sound crazy. in a way it is crazy. but it's true. this is what has happened to me. so to anyone who has ever sought God but come up empty, consider my story, and please don't give up hope, because i despaired for years and years. i was lucky in that i really felt God found me. the decision to accept Jesus became ... obvious. i know not everyone has an immediately powerful emotional experience that results in conversion. but i believe everyone can find God somehow...

 

[rootedphoenix]

Faith sometimes feels absolutely crazy. It's this bright light in the midst of everything. It's trust in something you can't yet see.

It's also one of the best things ever.

I'm glad you've found this. God's awesome, isn't he?

 

[collapse]

btw, i used to post here as AtomicBono. i dont know if that gives my story anymore validity or if anyone even remembers me, but yea

 

[cobl04]

i should have guessed from your DI list.

 

[Rachel D.]

I'm so happy for you!! That is so wonderful! I wish you all the best as you begin your new life.

 

[bono_212]

btw, i used to post here as AtomicBono. i dont know if that gives my story anymore validity or if anyone even remembers me, but yea

I figured it out a while ago, but I didn't want to say anything in case you didn't want anyone to know. I'm not sure why you changed your username, but I've always enjoyed talking to you, Collapse, and I'm glad that you're finding happiness, I hope all is well in your life. Praying for you through it all, I hope that this peace is lasting for you, and I do hope that if there is something that's not quite right mentally, you find the steps to stability not difficult. Seems you're on the right track .