Let's Call It Truce ... Among Anything ... What's The Answer : ??

[MsMofoGone]

OK !!

So, I might have NOT been all together ready to accept all of my friend's ordeals ... or for that measures, even her problems. OK ... so I can accept that. And there was a point where I couldn't accept anyone's opinions or advice other than her OWN WOW scenarios !! How one can be totally deceiving ... even without acknowledging it on a positive level !!


I know it sounds absolutely naive ... but it is possible to feel differently now !! So ... I guess with all that has happened ... I'm asking HOW SHOULD MY FRIEND MOVE ON ?? And yes, I'm ready to accept your honest opinions/advice without giving any harsh judgements or feelings that you should ONLY AGREE with my perspective. I can honestly tell you all that I will take your advice constructively.

So, here's the outcome so far ...

My friend has been rather totally off-the-deep-end when it comes to trusting her husband. She is looking for any little misconception to bring fault with him. Although, I truly think he IS TRYING to make a 'positive' effort to show he 'loves her' to no end ... and he also wants to achieve in working their issues out. He has been totally receptive to her feelings AND they even went on a marriage retreat together. They went away for an entire weekend ... it was a seminar on "How to build a stronger marriage". He spent $350 for the complete weekend hotel package. Talk about wanting to work things out ... OH MY ... he was very convincing there !! Although, she still has these doubts of his being unfaithful ... and his finding ways to be rather cheating to her OWN self. I think she's just feeling down among herself because she's so-ooo angry ... let alone ... HURT ... that maybe, she thinks he's just gonna do whatever he wants ... no matter if it's for their marriage or not. But again, I think she needs some advice on how she can move forward with him withOUT feeling like he's gonna cheat on her. I believe she needs some sort of feedback that will give her positive reinforcement to move forward with him. Afterall, he is showing steps in improving their marriage and reasons WHY he WANTS things to be better. I don't think he's looking to cheat again in the long run. He wants to reinforce his marriage ... without falling into a rut with his cheating ways from the past.

So. how should she move froward ??


Now ... my friend is rather a smart cookie. She hasn't flown off the deep-end ... at least, not yet. Believe me, I've known her since my early childhood days ... and this is NOT enough to drive her insane. She really does have a good head on her shoulders.

SO ... I guess I'm asking what should she feel is the next necessary step ?? She doesn't know if she should give him a second chance OR should she give in the towel, thinking he's always gonna cheat on her no matter what !!


What do you think she should do ??

 

[ylimeU2]

Make spaghetti or dye her hair and see what his reaction is?

 

[MsMofoGone]

Oh come on ... let's not go to that past ordeal. She has learned from her faults ... at least, I think she has. I think she is looking towards how should she proceed with NOT thinking her husband will always cheat. I know it's difficult to assume ... as no one can actually predict how one can act out their OWN role in life. But ... she wants to feel some sort of 'guarantee' as to how he won't consider falling back into CHEATING in his future synoposis with her as his wife.


And yes ... I realize this may be very difficult to give a 'what to do OR accomplish' answer !! But again, please try !!

 

[indra]

But ... she wants to feel some sort of 'guarantee' as to how he won't consider falling back into CHEATING in his future synoposis with her as his wife.

She won't get it. The only way she will be guaranteed he will never cheat on her is to divorce or kill him. Of those two I recommend divorce since I doubt she'd like jail.

If she wants to stay married to him she is going to have to accept she will not know absolutely that he won't cheat. Understanding that she then needs to decide whether her marriage to him is worth that risk. If it is, she needs to dial down the suspicion and give reconciliation a good solid try. If it isn't, she needs to start the process of getting a divorce.

No one likes being cheated on and made to feel a fool. I suggest she see a counselor (on her own, not with her husband) to work out her feelings about this. Only when she really knows what she is able to accept will she be able to work on her future -- be it with him or without him.

 

[MsMofoGone]

Originally posted by indra

She won't get it. The only way she will be guaranteed he will never cheat on her is to divorce or kill him. Of those two I recommend divorce since I doubt she'd like jail.

If she wants to stay married to him she is going to have to accept she will not know absolutely that he won't cheat. Understanding that she then needs to decide whether her marriage to him is worth that risk. If it is, she needs to dial down the suspicion and give reconciliation a good solid try. If it isn't, she needs to start the process of getting a divorce.

No one likes being cheated on and made to feel a fool. I suggest she see a counselor (on her own, not with her husband) to work out her feelings about this. Only when she really knows what she is able to accept will she be able to work on her future -- be it with him or without him.

Oh ... how I can totally understand your advice here, indra.


I guess she's having a difficult time with this issue because he didn't PHYSICALLY cheat on her. He was visiting porn sites and discussing his marriage woes on online dating sites. There were alot of women who were very responsive in trying to give him concrete advice on what he should do regarding his marriage problems. Although, many were telling him to hook-up with them for satisfaction, he NEVER did !! WHAT (well, you know what I would call those women) ... I can't believe he would listen to them !! But ... I guess it would depend on WHAT those women were telling him to do about his marriage issues.
Afterall, he's NOT completely in-the-clear either. He did talk about the fact that he was looking for a discreet relationship. He signed up his account stating that ... even though, it's hard to distinguish if he really wanted to FIND another mate ... OR ... was it just a front to hear advice from others on how to CORRECT problems within his marriage ?? I have heard that in order to post or chat on those sites ... you do need to create a profile/account.

But, I can agree how my friend should seek counselling on her OWN. I think it's hard for her because she always thinks he's gonna do something when alone ... for example, she thinks he may masturbate to those porn sites (while thinking of someone else) when she's away from the house. I know she should NOT concern herself with that and just do what's best for her ... but again, I believe she truly does love him still, and wants everything to work out. So, maybe she's still in-the-dark on how to keep his mind on her and NOT someone else ... (if that's even all-together possible)

They did manage to go on a marriage retreat ... it was on HOW TO BUILD A STRONGER MARRIAGE !! So again, I can't honestly think he's NOT trying to work out their differences/issues. But, she still has those doubtful feelings where sometimes things don't always add up to the positive nature ... there's issues where she feels he's deceiving her again.

Oh maybe divorce isn't in their cards ... since they truly seem as if they want to work through these problems, But, maybe they SHOULD ... at least, separate ... that way she could focus on herself and her NEEDS ... not so much worrying about him and his needs.

 

[meegannie]

Oh no.

 

[Angela Harlem]

Back off and let her decide what to do. You're a meddler. You cannot deny that.

 

[phillyfan26]

Now, maybe you're just a poor storyteller ... but it sounds like she's made no progress whatsoever. It sounds as though no matter what the husband does, she's never going to trust him. It's a lost cause. You keep talking about how he's making efforts, but don't say anything about her making efforts. They both have to, and she isn't. And I question if she has the ability to do so. In fact, I'm sure she can't. Why? Because she's batshit crazy.

 

[Vincent Vega]

She and her paranoia is the problem in the marriage. She has to work on her, not the other way 'round.

 

[Laura M]

Why are you divulging so much information about your friend/her husband? If you had any respect for them you'd not be posting umpteen threads about their marriage problems on an internet forum.

Nothing you, or anyone else here, says is going to help them. They have to seek their own help, if they even want it.

 

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

Good lord, enough already.

 

[No spoken words]

Oh no.

Back off and let her decide what to do. You're a meddler. You cannot deny that.

And I question if she has the ability to do so. In fact, I'm sure she can't. Why? Because she's batshit crazy.

Why are you divulging so much information about your friend/her husband? If you had any respect for them you'd not be posting umpteen threads about their marriage problems on an internet forum.

Good lord, enough already.

Good lord, enough already.

Good lord, enough already.

Good lord, enough already.

 

[U2isthebest]

Wait, Is this still about Atlanta, Germany?

 

[Schmeg]

The answer is to get yourself out of the situation. Stop gossiping with your friend about every detail of her marriage and let them work it out. Stop posting every detail that she gives you on the internet. Go take up a hobby or volunteer or something, and let them fix their own problems on their own. If things are going to be better, you cannot be the shit-stirrer helping your best friend since early childhood make a mountain out of every molehill in her life. Granted, emotional infidelity is not a molehill, but helping her trying to catch him or coming up with a conspiracy theory for every time he devours dinner or neglects to notice something about her is NOT helping.

 

[BAW]

Stop asking a bunch of strangers to play third party marriage counselors for your friend. Get a life and stop analyzing hers.

What do you do anyway, go back to her and say "I talked about your marriage retreat and your hubby's porn habits on the Blue Crack today and well this is what some stranger on the internet said you should do?"

 

[Mr. BAW]

She needs to DUMP YOU and get on with her life.

 

[U2Girl1978]

I'm really glad I'm not your friend. Wow.

 

[cell]

its fine to be concerned about your friend and all, but to post her problems all over the net asking for advice is just plain wrong. maybe thats just me...

if you dont agree, why dont you show her this thread and see what kind of reaction she gives you?

 

[KhanadaRhodes]

i agree with icelle. i'd be furious if i found out i told my friend something in confidence, and she posted a thread, let alone several, about it on a forum.

 

[beegee]

 

[Sicy]

MsMofoGone,
I would suggest you keep your friends' personal problems off a public forum, but I think that was suggested last time and it seems you still really want to discuss it so I'm going to suggest instead that you get a journal here (its free) and use that for these kinds of issues instead. It's still public but not quite as open as the forums.

Thanks,
Sicy