I've been tinkin about daddy a lot...

[mad1]

...it sounds crazy, but I have...................now it might be being triggered by listenin to music with possible stupid imagination? ........(let me explain).........

Im a very emotional person.....the simplest thing can trigger tears in me...........I have no idea why.......but recently I have found myself imagining through anger of all the troubles happenin here...well, through anger Im about to kill someone..........someone who is involved with killin pple here......almost like, u could say, an assassination............ honestly! And Im standing there but I have like 10 men round me guns pointin at my head...........and I drop my gun knowin Im defeated..............but then I smile knowin I will be in the arms of my father shortly..........and I do......I start to get upset thinkin about him.........thinkin about times I see him in my head and he looks miserable and Im screamin but he cant hear me.....or I run towards him but theres a huge invisible wall which stops me...........and I cant bear to see him down, and I looooong to wrap my arms around him.......

But sometimes I think its me warning me that death is nothing to be afraid off...............and I never know what to believe in....sometimes I believe, sometimes I dont, what fears me most, like most pple Im sure, is what 'feeling' is possibly there after ur gone......................I really would like to think that I would be re-united with my father as I do miss him a lot more now.................Its weird, I know I Zoo-Confessed on this but, now that Im older..............somehow, Im startin to miss that 'father figure', that I wish he were around to see me drive, be here to go out with me and talk, be here to be possibly 'proud' of me on a few occassions.......................ya know? I mean my mum has a boyfriend, but I treat him as a friend - they nearly got married but mum said no.....she was comfortable enough how it was going between them both..........sometimes I feel like saying, at moments when it feels appropriate over situations, 'Dont say that, dont tell me, ur not my father'....but I never have...........I tink that would hurt him.............

Im sorry, I feel like Im confusin u all or prob makin most of u laugh right now with all this........but I felt the need to share..............

I just feel like re-unitin with my father again,,,,,,,I wanna hold him and hug him for ages............its like Im so ready to see him again.......

u all tink Im gone crazy, right?

 

[bono-vox]

aaaw (((maddie))) I dont think you are crazy.......you seem to miss your Daddy a lot!

Hope you feel ok soon!

 

[Bonochick]

((((((((((((((((maddie))))))))))))))))))

I can't even imagine how it feels to lose your father. My dad and I do everything together...we are like best friends. My fiance lives so far away, and now my mother has gone away, and we don't know if she's comin' back...sometimes, it seems all we've got is each other. I can't imagine life without him. I can't even begin to fathom the pain in your loss. When you have a bond like that with a person, it stands strong, even when one of the pair has left the planet.

I'm a very emotional person too...I cry easily when thinking about my friends and family that are no longer with me, and sometimes I don't know why I started thinking about them or what made me so sad. Just be strong and have faith that you will be with him again when the time is right.

 

[daisybean]

(((((maddie)))))))

I know this may sound strange, but have you tried having a conversation in your head with him? Like I know when my father died there were a lot of things I wish I had said, or things I wish I did differently. It took me a while to make my own peace with him, but to at least say (in my head) "I love you" made it a little easier.

I really seriously hope you are not thinking of suicide if you need to talk my email is in my profile.

Take care sweetie.

 

[mad1]

Oh no Daisybean darlin.....Im not suicidal or anything lovey.......its just that feelin of.............where I have felt I'd have nowhere to go......somehow, if something happened to me tomorrow, I'd really luv to run back into the arms of my father and never let go................

Now, to recap he died 13th Feb 94..........for most of these years I have not really thought about him.......but I have been driving myself mad over songs like U2' Pride and other emotional triggerin songs to remind myself ( I always said Pride reminds me of papa takin me and bro down to shipyard), but, it drives me crazy! When u re-live those moments in ur head, it becomes something ur desperate to do in reality...................and this is whats happenin to me at the mom, whether its a phase or not, I dont know.........but I seriously wish he was alive and well.....and even if he and mum were still not together, if he was dry and better and a good person, I know I'd have fun with him, I guess I 'ache and crave' for that good 'father and daughter' relationship..................

I dont know if talkin to him in 'mind' would help Daisy..................its more of.............I like to visualise it, with words unspoken.......just the bond re-united...................

 

[bono_man]

Hey Maddie!

Hugs luvy...email me if you want to chat ok I havent ever been through losing someone so close to me but I have a well trained pair of ears on me and will listen to you if you want to vent a little, okay?

Take care...

 

[U2Kitten]

{{{{Maddie}}}}} I know just what you're talking about.

 

[U2girl]

makin most of u laugh right now with all this
u all tink Im gone crazy, right?

You know, there are occasions on Feedback where people joke around and laugh, but Zoo confessionals isn't one of them. Especially something THIS personal. Believe me i don't think anyone reading this could be laughing.

For a minute there, (like daisy) i also mistook your post with a suicidal thought.

I don't think you're going crazy - IMO it's normal to think about someone you lost a lot. You miss your father a lot and it manifests like this.

 

[ouizy]

you need a harder outer shell...