Its hard raising a tween

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lucky charms

War Child
Joined
Nov 28, 2003
Messages
570
It is such a difficult age to be. Hard to draw the line between being a mom and also being someone that your son/daughter isnt afraid to come to for anything.

My daughter has made all these changes in her life - she had a steady boyfriend for her last year of junior public school. She was a happy kid. Then tween age set in. She broke up with the boy and ever since she has an attitude where life sucks, friends are backstabbers, dont say anything and you dont get hurt attitude. She is more cinical, more deceitful and in general not as nice as she used to be to people. Peer pressure has reared its head heavy in her mind.

She seems to be on this curve of making some bad decisions - spoke to her teacher and it seems that she has her own ideas and her own mind, but she is very naive when it comes to trusting people and she is very easily swayed to do the wrong thing - she'd rather fit in then stand out.

Just wondering if anyone else has this problem or suggestions on how to be there for them constructively and not just a mom who is on the outside - if thats even possible.
 
*reason #5,396 why I dont want kids.


Sorry... I guess that's no help is it :lol:

I think unfortunately teens (tween? :eyebrow: ) have to work through this phase on their own. I know its cliche but I'm sure she'll grow out of it. How old is she exactly? I think all you can really do is be there for her when she needs you, and be happy to offer your advice, love, and support, etc.

I remember I was a total and complete bitch to my mom when I was a teen, and its not like she was a horrible person either. She is probably the nicest sweetest most caring woman I've ever met, but I was a teen, and I wanted to do what I want and I got pissed off when I didnt get my way. But today, my mom is my best friend. I love her to death and I dont know what I'd do without her.
 
Sicy said:
*reason #5,396 why I dont want kids.


Sorry... I guess that's no help is it :lol:

I think unfortunately teens (tween? :eyebrow: ) have to work through this phase on their own. I know its cliche but I'm sure she'll grow out of it. How old is she exactly? I think all you can really do is be there for her when she needs you, and be happy to offer your advice, love, and support, etc.

I remember I was a total and complete bitch to my mom when I was a teen, and its not like she was a horrible person either. She is probably the nicest sweetest most caring woman I've ever met, but I was a teen, and I wanted to do what I want and I got pissed off when I didnt get my way. But today, my mom is my best friend. I love her to death and I dont know what I'd do without her.

This is exactly what I was getting ready to post.

I was a total bitch to my mom when I was in those years, but I grew out of it and that difficult period, and now I can't imagine my life without her.
 
I hated being a tween. There was nothing good about that stage, except that was when I discovered U2 :lol:


Amen on the kids thing, Sicy, I would hate to raise someone like myself :crack:
 
As a father of four (ages 4-14), I would suggest just to spend as much time with her as possible. Make up stuff to do together...and talk, talk, talk...if you can...take drives in the car, take walks, see old friends, relatives...beaches, national parks, concerts, ball games...anything that will help with your connection with her....help her understand that what she is going through is very normal...that you went through the same type of thing at her age....tell her stories, share your life.

------

For those of you that don't have kids.... It is life's most beautiful, magical experience. There is nothing that comes remotely close. I can't imagine life without kids. It is worth times a billion every heartache, every tear, every difficulty that you experience while raising them. Most of the time..it is pure joy. You can make a lot of sacrifices as a parent and it can be a tough road and sometimes be a total pain in the ass but I can give you an infinite number of reasons why it is wonderful to have children.

And something to think about....if your parents are your best friend...it means that they were great parents....and that more than likely you would be great parents...which means that you'll have a best friend there when your parents pass on...that's what happened when my father died...it is beautiful to have that relationship in reverse...to experience what your parents experienced with you.
 
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Echoing the comments of other posters i also was a bitch to my mum during my teens. I think its a GOOD sign, because shes wanting freedom, she's wanting to push the boundaries, which is scary for you, but shows that she is maturing (Even though she is doing through immature means)

Peer pressure is ALWAYS going to happen, no child is so self assured at this age to ever say 'no' or take the high road. IT will be rocky, and youare going to shudder at her choices of friends, clothes, music etc, but it will all pass. You have to stay strong, stick to your guns about things that you want to instil in her but also, you need to chill on somethings as well Don't be backing her into a corner on things, don't berate her over small things, trying and let her stay out that hour longer, go to the mall with friends, don't put down her choices of things in front of other people, support her, keep the rules, but don't hit the roof everytime something screws up (as it allllllways will!)

sorry it sounded confusing! xxx
 
Admittedly, the only reason I would ever have is kids is to teach them to play hockey, and to bring me things while I'm watching TV.
 
I swear there were days when I was convinced my daughter really hated me when she was about 12-16. She was much more difficult for me at that age than my three boys had been (they turned on my husband.) Then one day it ended. I didn't ask why, I was just very grateful. Now when she says things like "When I need to make a decision I ask myself what would Mom do" I feel pretty good about giving her enough space to find her way but not enough to get into serious trouble. Hang in there.
 
take it from a teen right now...

I find it as, give a kid enough space so that he/she can hang around but not be snooped on but you still wanna talk and know atleast a little of what is going on in the childs life...
 
thanks for all the comments.

Sicy - tween is inbetween stage. Daughter is 12. We give her all the space in the world, I certainly dont invade her privacy, just know she is going through a rough stage and would like to help her thats pretty much it.

I really hate that peer pressure is causing her to make bad decisions. Her school work is suffering, she is getting into trouble at school - detentions, she isnt handing in assignments even if she did them, plus every time you ask her something or try to talk to her, she is defensive from the get go.

What a difference a year makes I tell you - she is like night and day.

I wish I could do something about the people who are influencing her(which would be her new friends). I trust her judgement and I trust that in the end she will make right choices.

Anyway, thanks for all the comments, and Sicy, April - for all the frustration and the worry, they really are a joy in your life, really, trust me, have 1 you'll see, no have 2, wouldnt want to have an only chold :lmao:

thanks everyone
 
lucky charms said:
Sicy - tween is inbetween stage. Daughter is 12.

Oh. I am so out of the loop :laugh:

My best friends little sister is 12. Let me tell you, she has completely transformed in the last year it is SCARY. When she was 11 she was pretty normal. Did pretty good in school, dressed normal, acted normal, beautiful girl. In one year I dont know what happened but now she dresses like a 'gangsta', hangs out with 'gangsta's', she has a 'gangsta' boyfriend, has a $300 phone, coach shoes, she goes out by herself or with friends, she pierced her NOSE by herSELF :huh: and is not doing good in school. My friend just cant get over how her little sister is just a different person. I mean she's TWELVE!! When I was 12 I was at home playing with my freaking barbies for gods sake.

Anyway, I think.. unfortunately times have changed and they keep changing.
 
amen to that, as well when I was twelve, I was eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, watching Flintstones, playing with barbies.

kids these days and kids those days, its like Land of the Lost

:lol:

alot of similarities amongst 12 year olds apparently.

Lets just hope 13 is a better year, and if its not, Im running away from home

:lol:
 
A girls brain isn't fully developed until the ages of 18-19. A male brain isn't developed fully until age 21 (these are just averages). I think this explains a lot why teenagers act the way they do. I used to be in bad moods a lot and never wanted to talk to my parents. It's just part of the growing up stage I guess.

I don't want kids either. It's really hard when your husband has 8 siblings and one of those siblings just had children #'s 7 and 8!
 
I'd make sure she doesn't get into anything too dangerous, but otherwise give her space and let her grow out of it
 
It's a phase we all go through. It's only a real problem if they can't get out of the phase. Looking back, I can see how I thought I was the shit, I thought I was so much more mature and bla bla bla...and really I was just a little kid who didn't really know much about dealing with the world beyond the row of lockers in my hall at school.

Every kid is different so it's hard (and unfair) to say definitively how they should be raised, especially at this age. I was never much trouble so I never had any rules. I got good grades, did my homework without being told, worked for my own money, let my parents know where I was going and who with, and they stayed off my back completely. My brother was different, he's mad some bad choices and had some bad friends, but my parents have taken it in stride and don't dwell on it. He had tighter rules, but he needed more direction from them. Now he's 20 and is fine living on his own, working full time as a carpenter/house builder.

In general I would say it IS important that kids understand a parent is an authority figure. You don't HAVE to have insanely strict rules to do this. Like in my case, I had NO rules, BUT when I did do something wrong, just the looks of disapproval alone from my parents would be enough for me not to disrespect them again. Other kids need to be grounded or told they may not hang out with certain people or stay out past 1am etc. Some of the most messed up friends I've ever had are the ones whose moms acted like their best friend and not their mom. Ironically, these are the girls who would get mad at their moms and say "I HATE you!!" to their faces. Now I've done some things my parents don't approve of and I was not by any means raised in a bubble, but I can't ever imagine a situation in my tweens where I would've told my own mom I hated her (and if I did I would've been rightly slapped!).

Kids need to know that their parents respect and trust them and in return they will realize that it's important for THEM to respect their parents and trust their judgment. How that translates into specific relationships is really hard to call. It's between you and your kid. Sometimes it means letting them make a bad choice, other times it means giving the kid a little more room to establish trust, other times it means punishment and saying "no" to certain things.
 
You think you have it bad lucky...I've got a 12 year old who's obsessed with "High School Musical". She's watching it right now, and gets every book, magazine, CD and DVD associated with the damn thing. And the sad thing is she loves being around my wife and I and insists that we are near her when she watches it...so she can share :cute: it with us.

However I can't wait for the fighting so she'll sulk up to her room and put on her iPod to drown me out...and then I won't have to watch this gawd-forsaken, crap made for TV movie/musical...:yuck:

Seriously all it is, is a bad remake of Grease...and I HATED Grease!!!!

:wink:
 
I don't want to scare you, but have you seen the movie "Thirteen"? Scary stuff indeed... Based on a true story.

I think tweens/teens have it harder today than when I was one (20 years ago)... so much more pressure. And I thought I had it bad!
 
cstar said:
I don't want to scare you, but have you seen the movie "Thirteen"? Scary stuff indeed... Based on a true story.

Scary indeed, though I don't think it represents a majority. There were 300 people in my class when I was 13 and I can think of maybe one or two that were as involved in "bad" stuff as the girls in the movie. Everyone has their own problems and their issues with rebellion, but very few have ALL of the problems.
 
it's weird ... i remember having a difficult time with my parents when i was younger (11-15) than when i got older. according to my mom, one day in september of my senior year i suddenly grew up and was no longer a problem. :shrug: my brother was kind of the same way, and she said it was different with the two of us than it was with my sister -- we'd get mad about something specific, whereas she'd just be mad in general, and she'd take it out on my mother. i lived at home for about 10 months when my little sister was a senior in high school, and i was STUNNED at how nasty she could be (and up until that year, my little sister and i always, always got along ... i'm 7 years older and i adored her and she really looked up to me) and it really changed my relationship to her. i became a source of support for my mom as we both had to deal with how awful and angry and spiteful she was to everyone (except my dad, she just tried to manipulate him).

and the funny thing is, my sister is a terrific person. very top of her class in high school and college, involved, caring, supportive of her friends, strong interest in music and the arts, works at a VA hospital doing research on veterans and will probably get a PhD in psychology.

something happens, i've found, between girls and their mothers when they're teenagers. i've found that boys will break things, or do really stupid things (like wreck their cars), whereas girls wage a psychological war of attrition, and it can take years to heal.

i still haven't forgiven my sister for how she acted, but my mom seems to have. occasionally she turns to me for support whenever she's obnoxious, and i have to remind my mom that it's not her fault, but it's gotten better.

she's 23 now, living on her own, and still seems convinced that she knows more about the world and about life than the rest of us.

but it's getting better.
 
cstar said:
I don't want to scare you, but have you seen the movie "Thirteen"? Scary stuff indeed... Based on a true story.


while i don't doubt that all the stuff that goes on in "Thirteen" is true, it's hardly representative of the typical teenage experience. kind of like how probably everything that happened in "Kids" actually happened, i just don't think it happens all in one 24 hour time period to every kid everywhere and every day.
 
Reggie Thee Dog said:
You think you have it bad lucky...I've got a 12 year old who's obsessed with "High School Musical". She's watching it right now, and gets every book, magazine, CD and DVD associated with the damn thing. And the sad thing is she loves being around my wife and I and insists that we are near her when she watches it...so she can share :cute: it with us.

However I can't wait for the fighting so she'll sulk up to her room and put on her iPod to drown me out...and then I won't have to watch this gawd-forsaken, crap made for TV movie/musical...:yuck:

Seriously all it is, is a bad remake of Grease...and I HATED Grease!!!!

:wink:

:lol: :scream: I dont know whether to laugh or cry. So I'll do both. I have the 'almost 4' year old version of this. I was just saying to my nan today that I hope my girls become really daggy and nerdy at school and avoid all the trendy garbage that kids go through. Anyway, the almost 4 year old is obssessed in an autistic kind of way with certain kids movies. My Little Pony and Care bears I & II, in particular. Every now and then I let her watch one but she begs me to sit through them with her. Do you know how much I hate Carole King (who sang most of the soundstrack on the Care Bears movie)? I'm not kidding. I want to damage the dvd but I dont know what's worse; Carole king singing about "the best part of living is growing up", or the pending 15 year tantrum which would ensue if something happened to this bloody movie.
 
^ this post was so funny, i think i'm going to copy and past it in my little Interference document

and, yes, were i to have/adopt children, i'd pray they'd be nerds as well.
 
Irvine511 said:
^ this post was so funny, i think i'm going to copy and past it in my little Interference document

and, yes, were i to have/adopt children, i'd pray they'd be nerds as well.

I wasn't really into any of the trendy crap when I was growing up, from the ages of 12 on up, at least. I think both of my parents can still recite every word of Snow White and Sleeping Beauty to this day. :lol:

As for school it was more about keeping in with my own small group and just hanging back, doing my own thing. I never got into any real trouble, except for skipping school once or twice.

I saved all that other stuff for until I got older. :angel:
 
I wonder if half the problem is these days, kids grow up way too fast - certainly faster then when I was growing up. Hell I dont think we had sex-education until we here half way through high school, and my tween knows way more than me at her age. It is really frightening to know this about her.

The funny thing is, that even though this is the way it is these days, the tween problem has more to do with the old peer pressure then the new world they seem to be in.

Odd and thankfully( in a strange sort of way) true.

If only she would hit that day when she has the epiphany sooner rather than later, she would be a whole lot better off.
 
well, i don't think that sex education makes kids grow up faster; kids need all the sex education they can get in order to protect themselves and make good decisions. i also don't think it's in a kid's best interests to keep them infantalized for as long as possible, and i think we tend to fetishize innocence. this isn't to say that it's fine for a 9 year old to bear her midriff, but it is to say that kids are going to develop and change and it's better (in my uneducated opinion) to equip them to make good choices and to value themselves rather than lock them up and try to shield them from the world.

i think two things have happened, and they're not either totally good nor totally bad.

i think kids have way, way more information available to them. this can be good and bad. a 12 year old can access information about, say S&M practices that he might not have 15 years ago; but then he can also learn all about and get involved with the ONE Campaign in a way he might not have 12 years ago. :shrug:

and i also think that there's more direct marketing to kids, and we all know that the best way to market to kids is to present them with products that will make them think that they will look, act, and feel older if they buy said product. and what better way to do that than by commodifying the flowering of sexuality that naturally occurs when one is 13 or 14, only you hold that out as a carrot to the 11 year olds who know that something is going to happen soon, and it's going to be exciting, and they want it now so they can look like the 7th and 8th graders.

does that make sense? sorry, haven't through this through, totally.
 
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