In need of advice from parents about stealing

[MandyMarie]

I'm looking for advice in relation to my five year old daughter's sudden habit of stealing.

A week or so ago, my daughter came home with about five band-aids and said the teacher said she could have them. So I didn't think anything of it. A couple of days later, she came home with about 10 more band-aids, so I questioned her and found out that she took them without permission. So I gave her a nice little talk about stealing, and also wrote a note to the teacher and asked her to talk to my daughter as well. Now a couple of days ago, she came home with a set of toy binoculars, which she said a friend let her borrow. I told her to make sure that she gave them back the next day. In the morning, I found her trying to sneak toys to school. The next day (yesterday) I was at school to pick her up when the teacher came to talk to me. She said my daughter was caught trying to take a brownie at lunch and hiding it under her tray and under her shirt. When we got home, I saw a Hello Kitty calculator in her bookbag. She said the same friend let her borrow it. After questioning, she admitted that she took it from her friend. So we had a long talk and she was grounded. I also wrote a note to the teacher telling her about the calculator, and asking her to have a counselor talk to my daughter. The teacher called me this morning and said that the calculator belonged to herself, and she asked the friend if she had given it to my daughter, the friend said no. This all makes me wonder about a few other little toys my daughter supposedly brought home from playing 'Bingo'.

This behavior is very unlike my daughter, or at least I thought so. This has all happened within a week/week and a half. I am concerned, and I wonder if there may be a bigger issue hidden beneath this problem. Is it somewhat common for children of this age to go through this. it's my first time dealing with this. I have three kids ages 5, 2, and 1, and a step daughter aged 12 in the home, so I am always telling them not to take toys that do not belong to them. I worry that this habit may become a part of her personality. I'm not even sure how to discipline her, so for now she is grounded from her tv for a week. Any thoughts??

 

[U2Kitten]

As a mother of 3 kids near ages of yours, the problem I have had with young kids is that they sometimes don't understand why they can't have and do everything they want. When one of mine was about 3, she tried to take things in the store and stick them in the baby's stroller! I told her we can't have things we don't pay for, and I can't afford everything in the store. Then she would go up to a car in the parking lot and tell me to take it home with me since it was better than our car. I told her it didn't belong to us and we can't do that. She didn't understand. She even thought I could just get all the money I wanted free from the ATM! She thought that we should all be able to do anything we want and have anything we want. I told her the world is not that way, and she said that was wrong. So the only thing I could do was threaten her with the cops. There was no way I could lecture or reason with her logically since she had such a different view of things stuck in her head. So I told her that if you take things that don't belong to you, the police will arrest you. It was the only thing I could to do stop her until she got a little older and understood why it's wrong. Good luck.

 

[cell]

when my daughter daisy was about 4-5ish, she started stealing things from my mom, sis, school, etc. it wasn't because she wanted them. she was crying out for attention from me. try finding out more from your little girl what's going on...maybe something's bothering her? in any case, i hope things improve. good luck

 

[BAW]

I agree with Icelle..stealing at that age is usually a cry for attention. Once they reach the age of 5 or 6, they know its wrong to take things that don't belong to them so she's definately trying to get your attention.

She could be feeling lonely or having problems with someone at school...things that seem minor to a grown up can seem like the end of the world to a 5 year old.

I hope you get to the bottom of this

 

[MissVelvetDress_75]

A lady a few weeks ago came back to our store after her daughter stole a pin from a display. Her daughter was about 5 and her mother made her apologize to one of the managers and the mother then told the girl to give the manager her beloved doll. The girl was so sweet and did it without crying. After she handed it over to the manager the mother walked over to the manager behind a display rack and she got the doll back.

 

[Felicity]

I don't think it's a good idea to bring the police into it, though (respectfully disagreeing with U2Kitten). The last thing you want to do is make a young child afraid of the police. At the age of five, it's important that kids know that if they ever get separated from you or lost or something, they can go to a policeman and get help. If you tell the kid "the cops will come and get you" or whatever, and then the kid gets hurt or lost or something, they're going to be afraid to go to a policeman--which they shouldn't be.

just my 2 cents.

 

[youtooellen]

well.. all the opinions you seem to have gotten are from a mother's point of view

I'm a teenager myself, and i had a habit of stealing when I was younger. and it wasn't because i wanted attention or anything. it was because i felt selfish and i wanted what all the other kids had. and when i didn't have those cool toys and gadgets, i felt like i had nothing cool so i began stealing things.

you have to remember that when you're a kid, you show off your cool toys and whatnots to your friends, and the jealousy just gets you ya know? but i learned on my own why it's bad because it turned out that one of the things i stole from my mom really hurt her. and it made me realize that my selfish actions hurt people i love.

maybe you can try something like that with your daughter rather than freaking her out by mentioning the police

hope i was a bit of help

 

[Got Philk?]

I remember stealing from school back in the day. It was little things like twizzlers, band aids etc. One time, I took a twizzler and got caught. I lied of course, told the teacher my mom gave them to me for lunch. She made me call my mom in the principals office and ask if she had given me twizzlers for lunch, and of course she said no over the speaker phone. I balled like a baby b/c then I realized I was in trouble.

I think talking to the teacher was a great first step. I work at a gym and teach kids ages 2-10 and can surely agree that kids are the most innocently selfish kids in the world. Especially 4-6 year olds. They honestly don't get that they can't have whatever they want.

My final thought to you is as a teacher, I can tell you the fact that you care and want your child to change will make a difference already. SO many parents just let their kids get away with things or even aren't consistant enough. Maybe some continued kind of teamwork with the teacher could really help her learn? Or scare her into learning a little too. Good luck, but you're on the right track and I thank you for being a great parent!

 

[Lila64]

I agree with what most have said above. I never had that problem, but my daughter is an only child. Perhaps with the other children in the house and the dynamics of the situation, she is crying for attention. That was my first instinct. Can you recall if anything in particular happened recently that may have triggered her stealing habits? Changes at home, siblings,... Any attention, even if it's negative, is attention (whatever that means - it's about 2:00am here. I'm sleep deprived!)

 

[U2Kitten]

I don't think it's a good idea to bring the police into it, though (respectfully disagreeing with U2Kitten). The last thing you want to do is make a young child afraid of the police. At the age of five, it's important that kids know that if they ever get separated from you or lost or something, they can go to a policeman and get help. If you tell the kid "the cops will come and get you" or whatever, and then the kid gets hurt or lost or something, they're going to be afraid to go to a policeman--which they shouldn't be.

just my 2 cents.

I was afraid somebody was going to say this. I don't think it's as bad as making them give up a toy they're attached to, even if it's later returned. That is psychological abuse! Kids are close to their beloved toys like pets. Yeah yeah I thought of the old 'what if they're in trouble they'll be afraid of the cops' crap, of course I told her she need not fear cops as long as she isn't doing anything illegal, and if someone else is doing something illegal to her they will be the ones the cops take away! I don't think it's wrong to tell a child the police will arrest people for stealing. After all it is the truth, not a bogeyman story, and it's a fact of life they need to know for their own good after all!

In my experience, the grounding/taking away the TV stuff doesn't work and is only more annoying to theh parent to deal with. My parents never did that stuff and I don't either. Besides, it doesn't work with most kids, some are so hateful they won't let the grownups let it work, so they keep doing the bad thing on purpose just to prove taking it away didn't cure them (I have heard many parents tell this story)

I am also very skeptical of the 'cry for attention' thing. I hated being accused of that when I was a kid, and I don't believe it's true most of the time. Most people of any age do not want negative attention that brings bad results. There may be something bothering her, but I would guess it's probably just a phase that will fade.

I guess it comes down to whatever works best for each child.

 

[cell]

I am also very skeptical of the 'cry for attention' thing. I hated being accused of that when I was a kid, and I don't believe it's true most of the time. Most people of any age do not want negative attention that brings bad results. There may be something bothering her, but I would guess it's probably just a phase that will fade.

I guess it comes down to whatever works best for each child.

soemthing i was going to type in my reply earlier but i decided against it. but seeing your reply now...

my daughter was definitely crying out for attention. when the stealing thing didnt faze me, she set my mom's kitchen on fire.

needless to say, it woke me up. after that incident...i paid attention to my daughter. she's better now.

 

[Liesje]

my daughter was definitely crying out for attention. when the stealing thing didnt faze me, she set my mom's kitchen on fire.

needless to say, it woke me up. after that incident...i paid attention to my daughter. she's better now.

A lot of kids will do things even for negative attention. Many times, being punished or yelled at is better than being ignored or misunderstood.

 

[melon]

My younger sister used to steal when she was little. Us siblings probably did a better job of preventing it in the future by making fun of her and making her cry over it...lol. Yeah, it was mean, but we were all little at the time.

MElon

 

[hiphop]

She thought that we should all be able to do anything we want and have anything we want. I told her the world is not that way, and she said that was wrong.

You see, children are more intelligent than adults most of the time..

She´s not that wrong, is she? Shouldn´t we all be able to do anything we want? And have anything we want? Have, not posess.

I think posessing something comes in later, when the creepy adults have told the children "the world doesn´t work like that" and "this is mine, this is yours,this is hers, his, theirs etc." crap. Our adult world does not work like that, and we impose it on the children! That´s how our children grow up and become as mean as we are.

That said, I know its different when you´re mom or a dad, you want to educate your child with responsibility. So this is not about your case, just generally spoken. I would always tell my child she can have anything she wants - if I ever get a child, want it to grow up with self-confidence. But I don´t know what I would do in the case of stealing..

I think sometimes it would be good for adults to see the world through the eyes of a child.

 

[BAW]

I guess there are some kids that are just little shits and steal for the thrill or because they want something they can't have but if a 5 year old starts stealing out of the blue it can't hurt to ask them if something is wrong.

It would be a shame to simply write this off as a selfish kid wanting more toys if she's going through something she doesn't know how to deal with. It could be as simple as some kids not including her at recess or anxiety from being away from home all day.

I used to burst into tears for no reason and started wetting the bed again when I was 5 because I was worried about leaving my mom alone all day while I was at school. It was totally irrational but I was convinced she would get sick or hurt while I was at school and wouldn't be there when I got home. It didn't start until the middle of the school year so I'm not sure what triggered it.

But yeah...every kid is different and they act out for different reasons. What works for one doesn't work for the other so I guess a mother's instinct is the best way to go. If you think she's just stealing to get more things, punish her accordingly but if you think she's worried or scared about something, talk to the counselor.

 

[joyfulgirl]

I think posessing something comes in later, when the creepy adults have told the children "the world doesn´t work like that" and "this is mine, this is yours,this is hers, his, theirs etc." crap. Our adult world does not work like that, and we impose it on the children! That´s how our children grow up and become as mean as we are.

There is a big difference between communicating to a child that they can aspire to having anything they want in life as a way of building self-esteem so that they won't feel limited in going after what they want vs. telling them they can literally just have anything they want. For example, just because little Joey down the street can go to an expensive summer camp doesn't mean every child can go to an expensive summer camp, or if little Susie has her own TV doesn't mean every child can. So if you just go around telling children they can have everything they want it will be very confusing for them when you have to say no, you can't have that because we can't afford it. I'm not really sure what you're saying.

 

[Muggsy]

She thought that we should all be able to do anything we want and have anything we want. I told her the world is not that way, and she said that was wrong.

wow... if you think about it is a really smart answer!

I'm reading this thread cuz i used to be a "little shit" haha... I started to stole things and act wild when my little sister was born (I was 4 )... I stoled pure shit, like clothes tags (cuz i liked them), pencils or little toys from the kids in school, and I used to hit the other kids and my sister very hard (now she's taller and stronger than me hahaha... and we love each other) . when I think about it I can't conclude if I was jealous then.

 

[hiphop]

There is a big difference between communicating to a child that they can aspire to having anything they want in life as a way of building self-esteem so that they won't feel limited in going after what they want vs. telling them they can literally just have anything they want. For example, just because little Joey down the street can go to an expensive summer camp doesn't mean every child can go to an expensive summer camp, or if little Susie has her own TV doesn't mean every child can. So if you just go around telling children they can have everything they want it will be very confusing for them when you have to say no, you can't have that because we can't afford it. I'm not really sure what you're saying.

Agree with the aspiring point you make.

What I am saying is that first off, children should be educated in a way not to fall for the latest consumer crap. I know, now some might say "But what if little Kevin comes back from school, his friends all have the newest sports shoes and he doesn´t".

You know that this has changed in the last 20 years. I´m not an old fart, but I remember we just did not grow up like that. Turn around on the street and watch 5yearolds with their brand jeans, sneakers, tshirts etc. So first of all, this generation (talking to the moms and dads about 30, 40) allowed its children to be eaten by advertising industries. And then they go around to say "Oh my, why do I have to buy those sneakers for the double price, don´t simple ones do it?"

The other thing I am saying is that children should not think in my, yours,.. etc - posession categories. I am sure this is something society imposes upon them. A child isn´t born and thinks "this is MY TV" or "MY videogame" or "MY new sunglasses". Rather than that, a child is born and thinks "this is MY mum/ MY dad" or "This is my milk" - but because children need mums and dads and milk to survive, not because they need to consume.

Regarding luxury goods, however, we should teach children to share. How are they going to care for anything except of themselves if we don´t teach them otherwise?

Let a wise tongue speak, they explain better than me:

Every child is born with love... but it gets lost along the way, somewhere in the course of his upbringing. Education, society and culture play important roles in this process… you begin to lose love as you become more and more attached to material things.

The beauty of a child has nothing to do with his physical body, it comes from some inner strength. Within him, the lamp of love burns brightly and it rays from every pore of his body, spreading all around. But as he grows he begins to lose this love. And we help in that process.

We do not teach him how to love, we teach him how to guard himself against it, how to be wary of it. We tell him that love is very risky, very dangerous. We teach him to be suspicious, to be full of doubt. We tell him it is necessary to be like this, that people will take advantage of him otherwise. We tell him there is much cheating, dishonesty and treachery in the world, that it is everywhere, and that unless he is on guard people will rob and cheat him. We tell him there are thieves everywhere. We are totally unaware of the fact that God is everywhere, yet we never forget that robbers abound. And so we train children to be on their guard against thieves.

If you want to prepare children in this way, you cannot teach them love – because love is dangerous. As a child grows he becomes involved in protecting himself – with money, with a house, with all sorts of things. He makes every possible arrangement to secure himself from attack, no matter from which quarter it might come. But in the midst of all these arrangements we forget that we are closing all our doors, that we are even barring the entry of love. Our protection may now be complete, but it is the same security as that of the grave.

 

[Angela Harlem]

It's difficult to teach reason to a 5 year old, because their black and white worlds are a lot more simple than ours. I dont see entirely why everyone is jumping on U2kitten though. While a 5 year old is naive to law and possession and all that, a 5 year old cannot grow into a 15 year old who wont understand the consequences of theft. I doubt U2k instilled the fear of god into hers when telling them people who steal get in trouble with the police. 5 year old logic says police deal with bad people. "If I steal, the police deal with me. That must mean stealing makes me a naughty person. I better stop." Or so the theory hopes.

All this said, I agree somewhat with nearly everyone lol. I hope there is nothing deeper going on with your child, MandyMarie. A naughty phase would be a relief compared to knowing your child is deeply affected by something they might not even understand.

 

[MandyMarie]

Hi guys. After my daughter stole the calculator that turned out to be the teachers, I asked that the guidance counselor talk to her, hoping that maybe my daughter would understand the seriousness of it. Before they had the talk, there was one more case of stealing. The teacher assistant had laid two boxes of raisins on the table, and my daughter took one and gave it to a friend. We don't know if the friend asked for them, I do know my daughter hates them.

Her teacher is a little perplexed as well. We just have a hard time trying to understand where this is coming from. I have wondered if it was simple greediness or if it is a more complex issue. My daughter has always been different, even from birth. She is very quiet, shy, intensely shy around adults. It has only been within the last couple of years that she will even have anything to do with her grandparents and other relatives. She often prefers to play by herself at recess, and will mostly only talk to the teacher when spoken to. She has been spoiled. As our first child together, we were always buying her toys and things. That has dramatically dropped since we've had two more kids, as well as my step daughter moving in with us. We live on just my husband's income, so money is tight. This has been more of a gradual change though. She doesn't have an answer for why she took those things, not that I expect her to at that age. At least there are only three more days of school left, so I don't have to worry about raising too many eyebrows. Now if I can just figure out to get through to my daughter about the stealing, everything we've done so far hasn't seemed to affect her at all, which is unlike her.

Thanks to you all for responding. It's been great reading your posts and seeing some others have dealt with this before. It's mainly nice just to be able to talk about it (not something I care to share with the family right now). Any ideas on discipline for further instances?