In need of a gift from the self-esteem fairy

[meegannie]

I have no self-esteem. I'm incredibly self conscious and so hyper-aware of everything I do that it prevents me from doing anything. I avoid people whenever possible because I feel inferior to absolutely everyone in every way. I'm embarrassed about my job, my home, my accent, my past, my education, everything. I'm envious of people who have or are things I don't even want or want to be. I try to be invisible and only speak when necessary, but I feel like I'm huge and loud and obvious. I feel like everyone hates me (I can't even walk to the bus station in the morning without feeling like strangers are staring at me because I'm hideously ugly or they think I'm an idiot) and if someone shows signs of liking me, I become suspicious that it's some sort of joke at my expense. When I'm convinced that it's not, I start to wonder what's wrong with them if they like me.

I have no solid sense of who I am, but feel like I'm everything at once. Everything about me is contradictory; I want to be the most and least everything. I love and hate nothing and everything. I'm always stuck in a corner of my mind, completely surrounded by myself, and I get stuck in these patterns where I drive myself crazy obsessing over one thing. Then the next day, I can't force myself to concentrate on it at all, and my mind wanders until it fixates on something else.

I know that it's all in my head, but that doesn't change the fact that I feel this way and that I'm constantly on the defensive and ready for someone to randomly accost me. I feel completely unable to appreciate things I know logically that I should, and I know that even if I were a beautiful, talented genius and elected Supreme Ruler of the Universe, I'd feel the same way.

How do you like yourself when there's no you to like? Or there are so many co-existing, mutually exclusive yous that you love them and hate them all at the same time?

 

[Sicy]

I think you're absolutely gorgeous, you're sweet, you seem to have a great life and a wonderful husband. I know I'm not inside your head and that this is just an ousiders point of view, but I'm sure Sam has told you the same things. Maybe you could talk to someone outside of your life that could help?

 

[redhotswami]

I know what you mean. I can get that way too. Only my problem is different because I don't really compare myself to others, I just get easily frustrated with myself and the unrealistic expectations I set on myself.

It sucks being yourself because, well, you're stuck with yourself for the rest of your life. But what helps me is I have found some really wonderful people in my life. There are so many parts of myself that I find ugly (i don't just mean physically.) But then I look at my friends. I see how they look at me. When I look into their eyes, I see my beauty in them.

I don't know if there really is anything to change how we feel about ourselves, completely. Like, we can't just snap our fingers and poof it is gone. But, I have loved ones in my life that help me through. Sounds like you have your husband, who can help you through this.

I also wanna add that in this whole wide world, there is only one you. And that is pretty awesome! Yeah, you have flaws, so does everyone. Your flaws are just as important as your strengths because they are YOU. Your loved ones have embraced you for who you are. They can teach you how to do the same.

And Sicy has really good advice too. Sometimes a fresh face can offer us a new perspective.

I hope you start feeling better about yourself. I know we've only chat just a bit, but you are a very sweet person.

 

[JCOSTER]

Don't be too down on yourself...everyone has things they don't like about themselves whether its physical or internal. Try to accentuate on the positive you. Surround yourself with people you really like and remove the toxic people around you. It may help you see things differently. Here for you!

 

[*Ally*]

i'm sure that you are a wonderful person, and have many friends and family members who care about you. i wish i could say something to make you feel better, but it sounds like Sicy might be right, and that talking to someone unbiased and and professional might be a great idea (ie, a counselor, school psychologist, etc). i've done it in the past, and it's worked wonders!

also, you described yourself as hyper self-conscious, so you might want to read a bit more about social anxiety disorder- it's very common and is completely treatable. here's more info:

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/healthinformation/socialphobiamenu.cfm

i hope that you're feeling better soon...

 

[martha]

A therapist could help break these cycles you go through.

 

[redkat]

I agree with Martha, I really think a therapist could help.

I think I understand what you're saying. It's hard to know yourself when you/I try to be someone different to different people in order to serve their needs or what I perceive their needs to be. (hope that made sense)


For what it's worth you come off very confident online. Extremely intelligent and the pic you recently posted is stunning.

 

[yertle-the-turtle]

I won't pretend and say I know you super well in real life, becuase I don't, but from all the time you've been here posting I think you're a truly, truly lovely person.

martha's suggestion of a therapist is a good one.

 

[meegannie]

A therapist could help break these cycles you go through.

I'm on number four at the moment! The problem is that I can never think of anything to say and spend an average of 2/3 of the session staring at the floor. I've already had twice the normal number of appointments and I don't feel much further along from where I started.

 

[yolland]

I'm not sure exactly what your job is at this point, but in addition to what martha already suggested, you might want to contemplate seeking a position which will give you some more responsibilities, if feasible, as crazy as that probably sounds. When I was in grad school, I managed a bookstore at the same time because I needed the income to pay my bills, and while I didn't really much like the work nor was I especially gifted at it, I honestly don't know if I'd have been able to finish my studies at all if I hadn't had that forcibly structuring my time, largely because of similar problems to what you're describing. There's a horrible sort of paradox to these things where on the one hand, most people who know you would be shocked to hear how poorly you imagine they think of you, yet on the other, they'd probably be shocked that you spend that much time thinking about what they think of you in the first place, because that's not how they think about themselves or others at all. Developing more confidence in yourself really does go hand-in-hand with thinking less about yourself and more about other stuff--other people, other ideas, other projects. And at least in my experience, if you have these kinds of relentlessly self-loathing, self-critical tendencies, it's unfortunately not going to be as "simple" as the trite old saw about doing what you love and happiness will follow, blah blah blah. That IS part of it in the longterm, but you have to start somewhere and that's probably intitially going to have to take the form of forcing yourself to take on something parts of you don't really want to do, but which will nudge you into a level of obligation that allows you less time and space for dwelling on yourself and your fears and dissatisfactions. For me at least, the structure of a business environment was very conducive to this because the workload, while heavy, was largely cut out for me--it wasn't too self-directed, so I had a lot fewer opportunities to sabotage myself or shoot myself in the foot. The good news is, once you get the ball rolling by forcing yourself into something absorbing like that (and with the guidance of a therapist), much of what you learn on the way sticks with you; you start to develop a kind of toughness and clarity that you'll be able to draw upon in the future, even if you eventually grow away from whatever line of work into something more deeply suited to you. It's not that life transforms into a cakewalk or anything, just that you become more resilient with time, even if you may always need occasional help to make sure the inevitable moments of burnout become springboards to something better, rather than relapses into withdrawal and giving up. I also found therapy much more productive once I was already doing something that gave me more "momentum" like that--it made me a little less likely to waste my time trying to be a model patient or whatever...haha.

This is probably the kind of post that either totally makes sense or else sounds like I'm on crack, lol...hope it's the former.

Good luck

 

[AttnKleinkind]

Maybe one of your therapists have mentioned this, but have you heard of Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy? I used to have thoughts very similar to yours, and I was extremely self conscious to the point where it interfered with simple every day things. At the prompting of my social worker friend, I got this book "Mind Over Mood" that walks you through Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, and it's to work through thinking rationally, and help identify the thoughts that start someone thinking in a way that is self-depracating, or anxious, depressed, or anything. There's even an example in the book about someone who has anxiety while talking to their therapist, and it works through what causes that and also how to overcome these feelings. So, I would look into it, unless you've already heard about it, but I thought I would suggest it. It's written by Dennis Greenberger, and Christine Padesky.

I know what it's like to hate absolutely everything about myself, so I hope that you are able to work through this, you will be in my thoughts.

 

[Babydoll]

I had a friend who had the same problem, and that led to her being extremely clingy and needy to anyone who gave her attention. We were talking about this once, and I told her to do this: Look in the mirror and say 'I love myself'. I know it sounds silly but it actually really helps.... She couldn't do it the first time. I had to make her stand in front of a mirror and kinda like ease her in by telling her all the good things about her, all the great qualities she had. She barely whispered the words the first time, and couldn't even look in the mirror in her eyes. However, I am glad to say that she is improving and has now become a little more outgoing.... She's on the right way.

 

[HeartlandGirl]

Something a little out of the ordinary you might try is yoga. It does an excellent job of helping you quiet the mind (good for obsessive/compulsive thoughts). It also helps people break unhealthy habits or cycles happening in their lives. Most importantly of all (and this has been true for me), it helps you accept things the way they are and let go of the compulsive need to fix things and have them be different. You learn to accept yourself and others. On the outside things may not change, but after some time practicing yoga, you begin to move through the world more peacefully, content no matter what is happening.

Just my two cents as a yoga practitioner of several years. Like others have said, you're a lovely person. I hope you'll be able to find some peace.

 

[meegannie]

This is probably the kind of post that either totally makes sense or else sounds like I'm on crack, lol...hope it's the former.

It made a lot of sense, and I've been thinking the same things myself, but at the moment it's not really possible. My job is a big contributing factor to my stress. I'm buried in work because we're understaffed, and I do at least as much as (more than some) others I work with who are paid more. Despite this, I've asked for more responsibilities, but it's hard to get anything other than mindless work because my boss isn't allowed to give me work that's above my grade (and they don't want to have to pay me more). I'm doing an MSc that relates directly to my job, but it's an uphill battle to convince my employers to give me even the smallest amount of support (which is really infuriating when in two my interviews they seemed very supportive of further education and assured me that there were a lot of ways to progress in the job and take on new responsibilities). Things very slowly seem to be changing for the better in that respect as of today, but now I worry that I'll be taking too much on and saying yes to too many projects in order to get experience for my course or to convince my employers that I'm actually of some value and not just instantly replaceable.

It's partially my fault because I'm the least assertive person alive, but I find it really difficult to be at all assertive without coming off as the demanding, obnoxious American. My shyness and general social awkwardness are always being misinterpreted as arrogance or rudeness, and I probably put too much effort into trying to anticipate and combat that.

I'm always looking for other jobs, but I need to stay in a library because of my course, and full-time library work is very hard to come by. I don't have a car or a UK license, so I have to stay near the city, which is limiting as well. I'll be eligible to enroll in a postgraduate programme for free when I've been employed there for a year or two more, so I'd like to stay long enough to do that (even though I'd have to switch to part time because courses are all during the day). Might be a bit stupid, though, because I really don't know what I'd do with three postgraduate qualifications!

 

[meegannie]

Maybe one of your therapists have mentioned this, but have you heard of Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy? I used to have thoughts very similar to yours, and I was extremely self conscious to the point where it interfered with simple every day things. At the prompting of my social worker friend, I got this book "Mind Over Mood" that walks you through Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, and it's to work through thinking rationally, and help identify the thoughts that start someone thinking in a way that is self-depracating, or anxious, depressed, or anything. There's even an example in the book about someone who has anxiety while talking to their therapist, and it works through what causes that and also how to overcome these feelings. So, I would look into it, unless you've already heard about it, but I thought I would suggest it. It's written by Dennis Greenberger, and Christine Padesky.

I've tried cognitive behavioural therapy in the past, and not had much success, but I'm giving it another go. I borrowed the book mentioned above today along with on overcoming low self esteem, and I have another similar book, so hopefully between the three of them I can find something that at least helps a bit.

 

[bammo2]

Hey Megs

I know I've told you this before, and it won't help, but I love you and think you're a lovely, warm and funny person.

And now that's out the way, I'll move on to the job stuff.

I've told you before that my sister has recently finished the course you're doing, and had/has the same issues as you regarding her job. She works at the Uni from Hell that you attended here, and the whole time she was doing her MSc, she was on a training wage. She was actually made to train other people, and when she pointed out that it was madness to use her as a trainer when they paid her as a trainee, they didn't care. She still gets paid a pittance, because every time she applies for a raise, the head of HR vetoes it, for reasons no one can fathom

She also has the same problem as you, in that she's stuck. Full time library jobs, like you say, are extremely hard to come by, so she's had to stick with hers. Plus, if she left now that she's graduated, she would have to pay them back a shitload of money, cos they gave her time off to study, and paid towards her tuition fees. Of course, she compounded these problems by having a baby as soon as she graduated and going on maternity leave

anyway, my point is, it's not YOU that's the problem in your job situation, it's the system. And as I'm sure you know, it seems it's a case of having to deal with all the BS, whilst focusing on the vision of a wonderful job working in a wonderful community library where you get to really immerse yourself in the wonderful world of the written word. Just don't think that ANY of it is personal , cos it's not. It's just the system that's a shitter.

anyway, if you need to talk/me to ask my sister if she's got any advice, just give me a shout.

PS I'm re-reading the His Dark Materials books you gave me, and every time I open them, I think of you and how lovely you were to both introduce me to them, and to give me your copies. thanks.

 

[joerags]

I know how you feel meegannie. You and I are exactly the same. But I am trying to get better. I hope you feel better.

 

[Pearl]

I feel the same way. I have very low-self esteem, zero confidence and am extremely shy. I'm always nervous when I'm in even the most minor social situation. I find it very difficult to open up or even talk to others, which has lead me to have no friends, except for a few acquantiances I chat with at work or online. If someone were to want to talk to me or anything, I don't undestand why. I don't understand why would anyone want to talk to me.

I also have problems being assertive, which isn't good because I work in a competitive environment and you have to take charge and speak up, or else no one would take you seriously. And that is the problem I have with my co-workers. I'm sure many see me as someone just wasting my time there.

I have decided for the new year to work on my self-esteem and confidence. But the idea of actually liking myself seems scary and I feel overwhelmed by it. But I try to tell myself its now or never.

 

[zonelistener]

say hi to Sam! Miss you guys!

I'm on number four at the moment! The problem is that I can never think of anything to say and spend an average of 2/3 of the session staring at the floor. I've already had twice the normal number of appointments and I don't feel much further along from where I started.

Have you ever tried "writing" instead of "talking" through these sessions?

I have thought the world of you since we started communicating through this message board, like, five years ago or so. I have always thought you were one of the most intelligent and funniest of the lot. When I first met you, I could not believe that the person standing on that Washington D.C. street was the same person I got along with so well online. (Thank God for Jenn and her understanding of you). What I am trying to say, and not doing to well (when do I not come across as an ass?), is that you have always expressed yourself so well through the written word with me (and probably others). Much better than in person...it might be a better outlet for you!

O.K. - enough of that. Sorry. Did not mean to come across in a bad way. You know how I feel about you!

 

[yolland]

Things very slowly seem to be changing for the better in that respect as of today, but now I worry that I'll be taking too much on and saying yes to too many projects in order to get experience for my course or to convince my employers that I'm actually of some value and not just instantly replaceable.

Well, on the bright side, at least that gives you some further opportunities to get that feeling of "I did this project, and it works pretty well, and this illustrates what I'm capable of" which, if you're like me at least, is a feeling you'll need plenty of in order to work up the nerve to push for more despite your (exaggerated) awareness that you can't count on making a brilliant social impression. Although, bammo makes a good point there about staying realistic about The System and the limitations it imposes, and not blaming yourself for those. I'd like to think that staying cognizant of that was part of what enabled me to seize the opportunity to move up when it unexpectedly appeared--I wasn't the previous manager's preferred choice to replace him and he let me know it too, which you might think would've been crushing, but in context I was just so ready for it psychologically by then that that only made me more determined to (pretend I knew how to) lead people effectively.

It's partially my fault because I'm the least assertive person alive, but I find it really difficult to be at all assertive without coming off as the demanding, obnoxious American. My shyness and general social awkwardness are always being misinterpreted as arrogance or rudeness, and I probably put too much effort into trying to anticipate and combat that.

Well, I can't claim much familiarity with the former situation, but I can't help wondering if that fear isn't ultimately just another variant of the trap of "I mustn't let myself display Behavior X because often Behavior X is one of those reasons people give for why they don't like someone, and I'm just so unlikeable already I don't want to give anyone any more reasons to dislike me." Which then leads to that nasty cycle where you wind up concealing all your appealing qualities as well as your "difficult" ones (and of course, they often go hand-in-hand; sometimes the same traits that make someone an exasperating prima donna in some situations make them the life of the party in others, for example).

Now the latter problem, that one I can definitely relate to--I've gotten a little better over the years at making small talk and so forth, but the underlying reluctance to reach out for fear of being turned away is still there and people do pick up on that reluctance, so my taciturness (kinda like what zoney was describing--I'm much, much less effective verbally) does sometimes come across as a sort of fuck-off aloofness, even though in reality I'm about the last person to have a fuck-off attitude towards anyone...and when I do, it's usually because being around them makes me uncomfortable with myself, rather than with them. I wish I knew a better way around this one but I don't--all I can say is whatever the qualities are that your friends compliment in you, your considerateness or your insight or your acerbic wit or whatever, don't clutch them too close to your chest and don't wait too long to find the "right" moment to show them, because very often those will be the things that enable people to realize a positive connection to you.

Might be a bit stupid, though, because I really don't know what I'd do with three postgraduate qualifications!

Three? Wow! Are those all directly related to librarianship?

 

[meegannie]

Re: say hi to Sam! Miss you guys!

Have you ever tried "writing" instead of "talking" through these sessions?

I'm even worse at writing than I am at talking. It takes me ages to put things into words, and I find stream of consciousness writing impossible because I don't think in words (though I think about words a lot and always scored highly on the verbal sections of standardized tests ). I have to be in a certain kind of mood to write anything more than two lines because I agonize over word choice and get really bogged down in connotations and denotations, and I never feel like I articulate myself well enough (either in speaking or in writing).

 

[meegannie]

Three? Wow! Are those all directly related to librarianship?

No, thankfully! I'd feel even more depressed about my job if I were THAT over-qualified! My current course is in information and library studies, but my previous postgrad qualification was in modern history. If I end up doing a free one, it'll probably be something fun like computer science, American studies, law, development, or museology. I would really like to do biology or German, but I don't have enough background in science to do postgraduate work (my undergraduate majors were history and political science), and it's been six years since I studied German.

 

[waynetravis]

I have sorta the same problem.
There are things that I want to do but i find myself overshadowing them with thoughts of negativity, worry, and self doubt.

I really want to work at a local electronics superstore. But I feel I don't have the confindence in myself to make it past the interview.
Also the job is very competitive and depends on a lot of customer service and being assertive.

I dunno. Its really hard to explain for me