I'm officially being suffocated....

[love2bmama]

I don't have a right to complain, I know that, but my god. If my husband doesn't give me some space and quit being IN MY FACE every minute he's home, I'm going to lose it. He follows me around like a little lost puppy. He wants to kiss and hug and make out ALL THE TIME. Getting a full nights sleep is unheard of. He wants to know who is calling me, who is texting me, who I'm emailing or IMing with. He wants to know what I did and where I went and why can't he go everywhere and do everything with me. If he didn't have a job I'd have killed him or me or left by now, no joke. Him leaving for work every day is the only thing keeping me from feeling absolutely and totally smothered, suffocated and stifled.

/selfish rant

 

[Sicy]

Are you newlyweds?

 

[love2bmama]

Are you newlyweds?

far from it, we've been together 18 years next month. But we did just go through a separation and relatively recent reconciliation.

 

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

we did just go through a separation and relatively recent reconciliation.

That explains a lot, or at least it could. Not to pry too much, but depending on who wanted the separation, it could mean that he's just trying to get closer to you after such a difficult time.

The part about wanting to know all your doings is a bit much, I have to admit. Maybe talk to him about that aspect?

 

[Liesje]

Hmm, I wanted to flail my arms in the air just reading that, lol! I'm also one that needs a LOT of personal space.

 

[redhotswami]

far from it, we've been together 18 years next month. But we did just go through a separation and relatively recent reconciliation.

Hey Molly!
I know that you've been through a difficult time over the past year, do you think that perhaps he is just afraid of losing you or something? Have you talked with him yet about giving you some space?

 

[love2bmama]

Hey Molly!
I know that you've been through a difficult time over the past year, do you think that perhaps he is just afraid of losing you or something? Have you talked with him yet about giving you some space?

yeah, I know intellectually that he's doing it because he's afraid of losing me, because he came so close to actually losing me. But in the moment all I can do is just...I don't know. I understand where he's coming from and I am glad that my marriage survived a time that many others would not have, but I have to, HAVE TO, have my space or it's just not going to end well, you know?

It's like, I know on one hand why he does it and that I should feel lucky to have someone who cares so much, but on the other hand I need my bubble of personal space and personal thoughts and experiences. maybe I'm just a bitch....

 

[Galeongirl]

you're not a bitch molly you're one of the sweetest persons I know~!
Have you ever tried telling him you need a bit of space?? he might not realise that! just tell him you don't want to lose him but if he goes on like that he'll make you go insane and that he needs to calm down a bit..

 

[bonocrazy88]

I am not trying to insinuate anything, but if you feel trapped and suffocated, you might need to re-evaulate some things.

Warning Signs of Abusive Relationships

I hope everything turns out OK! Take care of yourself and remember you are worth everything you want and need. Don't settle for less than the best for yourself.

Because I don't know much about your relationship, this could be terribly irrelevant. And if so, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to insinuate.

 

[Night & Day]

I had the exact same situation.
I have a great guy who worships the ground I walk on....will do anything to please me.
Washes the dishes, makes dinner, rubs my back for litterally hours, cleans the house, laundry, etc.
But he wouldn't leave me alone.
He would stay at the bathroom door and talk through it.
Sneak into the shower with me, when I didn't want.
Sit in the kitchen while I was cooking, the kitchen is very small.
Stand behind me while I washed dishes.
I couldn't turn around without stepping on his toes.
He would sneak up behind me and throw his arms around me, many, many times a day.
Sat very close to me where ever I sat.
Spooned me all during the night.
Called me every hour, emailed me 1-2 x a day.
On and on.

After about a year of this, and subtle reminders I felt smothered, the straw that broke the back was that he invited himself to go out with my girlfriend and I.

I just couldn't take it anymore, so this is what I told him.
That I just can't appreciate him any longer because he doesn't give me the chance to miss him.
I didn't desire him as much, because he never gives me the chance to want him, because he is always there and always offering himself intimately.
I told him if he didn't back off he was going to push me away, and I was nearly emotionally gone.
I suggested that he find activities like pool or go to a local bar/pub and watch a game.
That way he would have male interaction.
I suggested he start a band to have guys to hang with, or to call old friends and go watch a live ball game.
Once I told him he was driving me away, and that he was becoming less desirable by being so needy and insecure, he backed off a bit.
He still has his moments, but he is trying.

I would find time with girlfriends or attend some community classes to get out.
I would start a dinner club that met once or twice a month, just so he would be forced to find alternative activities himself.
Than again, there could be the guilt factor...he wants you in his sight because he might have done something while you were apart, and he is afraid you will find out.
Or he thinks you did..?



Either way, I wish you the best.

 

[Bonochick]

I would calmly talk to him and voice your thoughts. It may hurt his feelings, so be sure to let him know that you do appreciate how much he loves you and the affection he gives, but you just need your own space at times. You can pretty much tell him everything you told us...just make it sound less like a rant (for example, don't refer to him as a little lost puppy...that's fine for when you are venting to us, but he would likely be hurt by the comparison...and don't mention anything about killing!!).

As far as him always wanting to know who you are calling, texting, emailing, and IMing and where you are going, etc...to me, it sounds like he is suspicious of what you are doing. Don't get me wrong, my boyfriend will hang up the phone, and I might ask him who he was talking to...and if he's going to hang out with some friends, I like to know where he is going...but I think that's just normal stuff, just being informed about what your significant other has going on. However, I would venture to guess that what you are experiencing is beyond just the norm that is expected, if it is causing you so much distress.

The fact that your husband wants to go everywhere with you and do everything with you seems sweet in theory...but couple that with him sounding like he is obsessive over every scrap of communication and activity that you have with others, and it makes it seem like he doesn't trust you. I would ask him why he feels that he has to know all of these details and why he wants to go everywhere with you. I'm sure you don't want to start a fight, so try not to sound accusatory and defensive about it...or that just might make him think he is right to be suspicious...if that's the case, of course. All I can do is make assumptions from what you are saying, so I don't mean to be insinuating certain things are true about your relationship or anything. Just trying to offer advice as best as I can.

 

[Night & Day]

^

 

[Mr. BAW]

far from it, we've been together 18 years next month. But we did just go through a separation and relatively recent reconciliation.

If infidelity was an issue related to your separation, he doesn't trust you. simple...and that will take forever to change...you and he need extensively counseling to cure this problem...Tryst...I meant TRUST, is everything.

 

[Carek1230]

From what I hear it sounds as if he is insecure about something--himself, your relationship or both and feels the need to keep tabs on you. Agreeing with what the others before me all said, talk to him calmly and let him know how you feel about him and your relationship and that you are a person who just needs space. There's nothing wrong with that. Relationships and people change constantly and this might be something he's not realized in the past. Good for you trying to make the marriage work, too many people these days seem to give up too easily. Marriage was never supposed to be easy, but trust and communication is so very important! Good luck.

 

[love2bmama]

If infidelity was an issue related to your separation, he doesn't trust you. simple...and that will take forever to change...you and he need extensively counseling to cure this problem...Tryst...I meant TRUST, is everything.

as some of you know and others guessed, yes, I did have a relationship with someone else after my husband left me, farmed out all the kids, and moved to another state while I was in the hospital.

So, yes, I can see why there are trust issues and I've tried to be patient. We're in counseling. I remind myself to see things from his point of view. As in, he feels I cheated on him while I feel that he had left and I didn't want to be alone so I met someone else.

None of which stops me from feeling totally suffocated. What night_and_day said about not being able to turn around without stepping on his toes (literally) has been going around and around in my mind, because that's exactly what it's like.

I apprecite you guys, I know there is no solution to this but time and hard work to earn trust back, and during that process it helps to be able to vent in a neutral environment.

 

[JCOSTER]

Molly, I hope you guys find some middle ground. You both have been through so much together.

 

[mandy1973]

I have been in a very similar situation to you - VERY similar in fact, so I know exactly where you (and he) are coming from.
Just letting you know, that it will eventually get better. Trust is a very difficult thing to win back, but it IS possible.
Good on you for fighting for your relationship - that's what I did too, and I'm so very glad that I did!

 

[MsPurrl]

Molly, whenever you need to vent or just talk, please come here where you are among friends who understand, or PM.

 

[love2bmama]

Molly, I hope you guys find some middle ground. You both have been through so much together.

I have been in a very similar situation to you - VERY similar in fact, so I know exactly where you (and he) are coming from.
Just letting you know, that it will eventually get better. Trust is a very difficult thing to win back, but it IS possible.
Good on you for fighting for your relationship - that's what I did too, and I'm so very glad that I did!

Molly, whenever you need to vent or just talk, please come here where you are among friends who understand, or PM.

wow, I'm loving the new mulit-quote feature.
anyhoo, thanks you guys to you all. I'm just going through a bad patch right now. I've had better days and worse days and I just keep telling myself it will get better. Some days are better than others, right?

 

[Carek1230]

You're absolutely right, some days ARE better than others. And that's OK!

 

[zuropa_fit]

Molly

 

[JanuaryStar]

Molly, I think you have to ask yourself if you really think your relationship will still be worth it in the future. After having those problems together and a separation as well, it's understandable where your husband's coming from. But you needing space and not wanting to feel his breath down your neck every second of the day is also very important! I think you two need to talk this out, you have to let him know how you feel. Building up trust after something like that is very difficult, so it takes time. But if time doesn't heal things, then maybe you should think things through again, and really ask yourself it this relationship is still making you happy. Good luck...