unforgettableFOXfire
I serve MacPhisto
- Joined
- Sep 20, 2001
- Messages
- 2,053
Kay, several small confessions to make, cause Im bored stiff, and tired as hell but unable to sleep (damn you insomnia!)
1. I find it hard to post here anymore, I dont even see a point to it. Its a great place, there are lots of nice people here, but I just dont feel like theres a niche to call my own. This works nicely cause it prevents me from being strapped to my chair with internet addiction (again)
2. While there are lots of nice people here, Im a bit of an ass, and as tolerant as I can be, I arbitrarily hate many people here for no reason at all. Many have made bad first impressions on me, which partly contributes to why I dont post, because I dont wanna randomly piss at someone I dont know for something thats either out of context or out of character. Which, by the way, is a suggestion I would gladly make to many people who go off on long tangents where they insult someone they know nothing about on a completely subjective basis, that you should keep your mouths shut. If you want respect from people, or to have credibility in what you say, then dont be such a bloody freakin ass about everything, randomly insulting and telling off people for no decent reason. So yes, I appologize to those of you I hate even though you dont know who you are.
3. I made an agreement with my grandpa to sell chairs for the conservatory a while back, 20% for me for selling them... well, I didnt do a hell of a lot, only made $130, and he still gave me the $26, and I didnt refuse it... despite doing a really shiatty job and not really deserving that money since I had no real stake in the process to begin with. I feel badly for it, especially since there were so many extra chairs and they had to be donated to someplace care of damon's dad. I could make excuses till the cows come home, but I dropped the ball. He has startling integrity and wouldnt let me refuse it cause hed feel like he was backing out of a deal, which is against his ethics, but I still feel like crap about it.
4. Im scared of heights, so much so that standing on an 8 foot ladder to cut the top of the hedge today was bothering me to death... but nobody can do the job except me, so Im stuck with it, all week. You shoulda heard me cursing... it was brutal... I find it funny, too, that a couple people who Ive known since grade 5 heard me say 'oh fuckin hell' earlier this month and they were so shocked, they were like 'oh my god, you swore!' and I was like hmm??
apparently my nice-guy thing goes farther than I thought.
5. At a recent party, one of my friend's sister kissed me (to be honest, a couple of times, on a couple of occassions), and I really didnt do anything to stop it, and I feel bad about that cause shes a wonderful girl and I didnt want to give her the wrong idea, but at the same time I guess I didnt stop it cause it was sorta nice to feel wanted for a change, so it wasnt entirely innocent on my part, but we did talk and stuff, and skirt the issue, it wasnt really about that kinda thing. Which is really out of my norm, I dont quite know what I was thinking, it just happened, but luckily that was as far as it went. Now shes all 'i just wanna be friends' and apparently Ive missed a step somewhere along the line that equated something being there to begin with to now being just friends and something... Cause I never really asked her out, and Im quite vexed, Ive been analyzing like mad trying to figure out what exactly the situation is, and Im still kinda lost. She thinks shes hurt me, and Im worried that Ive hurt her, and Im just generally a moron cause I wont talk about this with anyone.
6. Im making $275 for doing next to nothing... one for cutting some random guys lawn for two months, but only once every 2 weeks, so a total of maybe five times, hes paying me $125... then $150 from my aunt and uncle for looking after their dog for a month while theyre on vacation... but its just a small dog and requires no effort at all... plus theyre family... and... and... I hate people giving me stuff that I havent earned, but I need the money too much to say no... and bleh. I hate how money drives everything, and I hate being a tool of possessions instead of possesions being tools for me. That probably sounds crazy, but feh...
7. Ive gotten into the habit of embellishing just a little to get people to give me sympathy... Im turning into a sympathy whore... I feel dirty... yeck. I need to stop it, but its nice having attention too :\ Im so tired of being ignored by everyone
8. Im worried to death about poor dear shannon, who had to go offline cause of tornado sirens or something
9. Im losing a lot of friends given this whole university thing, and its ironic because I couldnt really care less about the ones who are going that I saw so regularly during school times - which is terrible thing to say, but dammit they really werent that great of friends. The ones Im distraught about losing are those like Jen and Marcie, people who have been close enough that theyre practically here, but yet I havent seen in two years, and now theyre going to be very far away, and I guess nothings changed cause Ill still talk to them online, but it doesnt feel like theyre as close anymore... I dunno, maybe thats just an illusion, and Im a crazy fuck... lol... but it seems that its just going to make friendship more difficult, even though its logistically equivilent. I dunno.... this leads well into #10.
10. I worry too much. Far too much in fact. Little things bug me. Im not super anal, and Im not all freaked out by uncertainties, but little obscure random things will just stick in my mind like a sore thumb and wont go away. Maybe its cause I still have those very realistic dreams, which often turn to reality within a short period of time, but I sometimes fear for the very lives of people I know for next-to-no tangible reason at all... I know, I know, lighten up... but meh... If I didnt tell you, you couldnt tell me to lighten up, and it wouldnt be a confession.
And last but not least, #11. Simply, this really isnt an improvement on the quality of any confessions in here, or maybe it is, I honestly dont know as I tend to avoid the forums like plague now (see 1. and 2.) but i dunno... this wasnt anything spectacular, so I hope you didnt waste too much time reading through it all but yet I secretly do wish you wasted your time reading through it because as 7 stated I like attention despite being a terrible introvert who never ever says anything to anyone.
So yes, attention me up. Hit me with your best shot. Hold nothing back! Pull you mighty stallions! Show me no mercy!... I dunno... Somea thats probably suprising to at least some people here who know me at least a little bit... but... but... meh... Ive felt like such utter hell lately... To allay any fears; Ive not given up on myself, I dont hate myself, though I am ashamed of myself lately, and to answer to things I do hate, I hate the world right now, and I generally hate humanity, politics, and everyhthing going on within the realms of the world, humanity, and politics... Im just lost, stressed, overly hot, and lost... and tired... and I dont kno wwhen to hold my tongue... but such is a confession. If I dont admit it now, when will I ever admit it? Probably never. Tear me to bits, I beg you.
1. I find it hard to post here anymore, I dont even see a point to it. Its a great place, there are lots of nice people here, but I just dont feel like theres a niche to call my own. This works nicely cause it prevents me from being strapped to my chair with internet addiction (again)
2. While there are lots of nice people here, Im a bit of an ass, and as tolerant as I can be, I arbitrarily hate many people here for no reason at all. Many have made bad first impressions on me, which partly contributes to why I dont post, because I dont wanna randomly piss at someone I dont know for something thats either out of context or out of character. Which, by the way, is a suggestion I would gladly make to many people who go off on long tangents where they insult someone they know nothing about on a completely subjective basis, that you should keep your mouths shut. If you want respect from people, or to have credibility in what you say, then dont be such a bloody freakin ass about everything, randomly insulting and telling off people for no decent reason. So yes, I appologize to those of you I hate even though you dont know who you are.
3. I made an agreement with my grandpa to sell chairs for the conservatory a while back, 20% for me for selling them... well, I didnt do a hell of a lot, only made $130, and he still gave me the $26, and I didnt refuse it... despite doing a really shiatty job and not really deserving that money since I had no real stake in the process to begin with. I feel badly for it, especially since there were so many extra chairs and they had to be donated to someplace care of damon's dad. I could make excuses till the cows come home, but I dropped the ball. He has startling integrity and wouldnt let me refuse it cause hed feel like he was backing out of a deal, which is against his ethics, but I still feel like crap about it.
4. Im scared of heights, so much so that standing on an 8 foot ladder to cut the top of the hedge today was bothering me to death... but nobody can do the job except me, so Im stuck with it, all week. You shoulda heard me cursing... it was brutal... I find it funny, too, that a couple people who Ive known since grade 5 heard me say 'oh fuckin hell' earlier this month and they were so shocked, they were like 'oh my god, you swore!' and I was like hmm??
apparently my nice-guy thing goes farther than I thought.5. At a recent party, one of my friend's sister kissed me (to be honest, a couple of times, on a couple of occassions), and I really didnt do anything to stop it, and I feel bad about that cause shes a wonderful girl and I didnt want to give her the wrong idea, but at the same time I guess I didnt stop it cause it was sorta nice to feel wanted for a change, so it wasnt entirely innocent on my part, but we did talk and stuff, and skirt the issue, it wasnt really about that kinda thing. Which is really out of my norm, I dont quite know what I was thinking, it just happened, but luckily that was as far as it went. Now shes all 'i just wanna be friends' and apparently Ive missed a step somewhere along the line that equated something being there to begin with to now being just friends and something... Cause I never really asked her out, and Im quite vexed, Ive been analyzing like mad trying to figure out what exactly the situation is, and Im still kinda lost. She thinks shes hurt me, and Im worried that Ive hurt her, and Im just generally a moron cause I wont talk about this with anyone.
6. Im making $275 for doing next to nothing... one for cutting some random guys lawn for two months, but only once every 2 weeks, so a total of maybe five times, hes paying me $125... then $150 from my aunt and uncle for looking after their dog for a month while theyre on vacation... but its just a small dog and requires no effort at all... plus theyre family... and... and... I hate people giving me stuff that I havent earned, but I need the money too much to say no... and bleh. I hate how money drives everything, and I hate being a tool of possessions instead of possesions being tools for me. That probably sounds crazy, but feh...
7. Ive gotten into the habit of embellishing just a little to get people to give me sympathy... Im turning into a sympathy whore... I feel dirty... yeck. I need to stop it, but its nice having attention too :\ Im so tired of being ignored by everyone
8. Im worried to death about poor dear shannon, who had to go offline cause of tornado sirens or something
9. Im losing a lot of friends given this whole university thing, and its ironic because I couldnt really care less about the ones who are going that I saw so regularly during school times - which is terrible thing to say, but dammit they really werent that great of friends. The ones Im distraught about losing are those like Jen and Marcie, people who have been close enough that theyre practically here, but yet I havent seen in two years, and now theyre going to be very far away, and I guess nothings changed cause Ill still talk to them online, but it doesnt feel like theyre as close anymore... I dunno, maybe thats just an illusion, and Im a crazy fuck... lol... but it seems that its just going to make friendship more difficult, even though its logistically equivilent. I dunno.... this leads well into #10.
10. I worry too much. Far too much in fact. Little things bug me. Im not super anal, and Im not all freaked out by uncertainties, but little obscure random things will just stick in my mind like a sore thumb and wont go away. Maybe its cause I still have those very realistic dreams, which often turn to reality within a short period of time, but I sometimes fear for the very lives of people I know for next-to-no tangible reason at all... I know, I know, lighten up... but meh... If I didnt tell you, you couldnt tell me to lighten up, and it wouldnt be a confession.
And last but not least, #11. Simply, this really isnt an improvement on the quality of any confessions in here, or maybe it is, I honestly dont know as I tend to avoid the forums like plague now (see 1. and 2.) but i dunno... this wasnt anything spectacular, so I hope you didnt waste too much time reading through it all
but yet I secretly do wish you wasted your time reading through it because as 7 stated I like attention despite being a terrible introvert who never ever says anything to anyone.So yes, attention me up. Hit me with your best shot. Hold nothing back! Pull you mighty stallions! Show me no mercy!... I dunno... Somea thats probably suprising to at least some people here who know me at least a little bit... but... but... meh... Ive felt like such utter hell lately... To allay any fears; Ive not given up on myself, I dont hate myself, though I am ashamed of myself lately, and to answer to things I do hate, I hate the world right now, and I generally hate humanity, politics, and everyhthing going on within the realms of the world, humanity, and politics... Im just lost, stressed, overly hot, and lost... and tired... and I dont kno wwhen to hold my tongue... but such is a confession. If I dont admit it now, when will I ever admit it? Probably never. Tear me to bits, I beg you.
Have you tried talking to them about it?
Some friends come, some go. Maybe you'll meet new people.
Too much kissing will make your neck hurt.
