I think I figured it out

[daisybean]

why no guys are interested in me.....I'm not assertive enough.....

I didn't realize it until I was looking through some of the pictures of interlander threads. I noticed I was saying "ooooo he's cute" or "nice pic" about someone's picture, and got no response.....however, when others girls would be more assertive and bolder in their response...they got noticed....

so where do you draw the line at confidence without looking desparate or like a ho?

 

[zooropamanda]

i think i majorly tangented but anyway...

Hmm..interesting

There is a fine line between being confident and coming off as egotistical.
Sometimes I think a lot of us dont want to appear like we fancy ourselves so we pull back from being confident if that makes sense?
Its a hard one, daisy...

I dont think you should use responses on a message board as a true guage though. The net can make people appear what they are not. I think a lot of us say things on the net that we wouldn't have the confidence to say in the flesh. I sure hope dethbear doesnt walk up to strangers telling them he wants to mankiss them hard on the lips hehe

Its a fact that guys like girls who appear confident and comfortable in their own skin. Its an attractive trait in either sex.
I guess where you draw the line depends on the situation.
Sometimes I can appear confident but i guess for me if im ever acting in an assertive way i do it jokingly. thats what works for me anyway.
walking like u own your own step and are having fun doing it is a good one i think. some people walk around like they have a baby elephant on their back under a grey cloud of swarming vultures. walk tall with a smile like you know something the rest of the world doesnt.

im a lot more confident than i used to be. i was a shy lil mouse around people i didnt know, in high school. now i will talk to people on the street. im gonna be one of those dottery old nutty women with birds following her when im 80.


and....there's always alcohol

 

[daisybean]

Re: i think i majorly tangented but anyway...

and....there's always alcohol

Been there, done that......baaaaaaaaaaad memories....

but I see what you are saying...however I was using this board as a comparasion to my RL.....Guys prefer girls with a certain level of assertiveness...however, assertive just isn't my style...it is counterinituitive for me to say "ooooohhh you hot and sexy man, come to mama..." I prefer to be more understated...I want a guy to be interested in other things I have to offer beside the "booty." By the same token I think I'm too understated, I'm confident enough in myself to say, yes, some guy will find me attractive someday...but I'm too shy to go out and find him.

 

[zooropamanda]

but girls who say stuff like that are gonna attract the type of guys you probably wouldnt be interested in anyway.

hmmfff i dunno

 

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

I'd never say half the stuff I say here in real life....


right, everyone?



Seriously, I know what you mean, daisy. Half the time (when I'm not drunk) and I'm out and see someone attractive, I usually just turn the other cheek, thinking I'm not attractive enough for him, or wait for him to come up, which they almost never do. It's a lose-lose situation.

 

[meegannie]

but girls who say stuff like that are gonna attract the type of guys you probably wouldnt be interested in anyway.

I agree with this. If you're not comfortable being overly assertive, don't do it. A lot of guys like shy girls.

 

[bonosloveslave]

A lot of guys like shy girls.

Thankfully I found one who did

I was really shy in highschool, never got asked out, only went to one Homecoming (and only cuz I was set up w/ a foreign exchange student ), almost didn't go to my own prom, etc. I found out later that alot of guys thought I was a bitch/snob - and really, truly it was just that I was so shy. I think it might have helped if I had smiled more - don't underestimate the power of smiling, guys find girls much easier to approach when they are smiling

 

[meegannie]

I was really shy in highschool, never got asked out, only went to one Homecoming (and only cuz I was set up w/ a foreign exchange student ), almost didn't go to my own prom, etc. I found out later that alot of guys thought I was a bitch/snob - and really, truly it was just that I was so shy. I think it might have helped if I had smiled more - don't underestimate the power of smiling, guys find girls much easier to approach when they are smiling

I'm the same way. All of my friends in college told me that before I talked to them, they were really intimidated by me because because they thought I was arrogant. One of my friends said I seemed "territorial."

 

[daisybean]

I don't come off as arrogant or territorial....just a loser with no personality...I swear I couldn't start a conversation to save my life. Or if I try to be nice I'm seen as pushy or desparate, which drives men off even more.

 

[Lilly]

Don't pee on me territorial meeg

I'd never say half the stuff I say here in real life....

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight Aprkl....riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.



Moving on:

I don't think you should be any more assertive than you are comfortable with. Going beyond your borders is just going to make you uncomfortable if you do snag a guy as the ultra-assertive daisy and then he expects that ALL of the time. Am I making sense *rereads post* Um, not really.

Besides the cardinal rule of any relationship is to be yourself, and being extra assertive out of nowhere would not be being yourself.


You'd be surprised what one assertive person can get done in a relationship, perhaps you just need to seek out more assertive, in a non "hey i'm a big jerkey asshole" way, men.

 

[meegannie]

*pees on post

Daisy, you've shown here that you have a personality. I'm REALLY bad at making small talk and hate talking to people I don't know.

You probably just think you come of as desperate sometimes. I used to always try to talk to guys and fail miserably and then beat myself up and wonder what I did wrong (ME? Beat myself up?? Shocking, I know! ). Then I decided that other people are just weird.

 

[oliveu2cm]

Re: i think i majorly tangented but anyway...

Sometimes I can appear confident but i guess for me if im ever acting in an assertive way i do it jokingly. thats what works for me anyway.
walking like u own your own step and are having fun doing it is a good one i think.

Totally agree Manda! Enter the room like you own it and you own everyone in it.. some quote like that. That can definitely sound egotistical though. I think it comes down to being comfortable and confident with yourself.

Actually it's because of my confidence I met my boyfriend- we were in a bar (how ) but anyway my friends were dancing w/ his friends and I was just leaning up against the bar chilling, and he comes up to this guy I had been casually chatting with and says something, and I caught his eye and laughed and made a smart/cute remark about what he said and that's the beginning of the end..
of course if he hadn't been captivated (lol) then I woulda shrugged and moved on. Not everyone is receptive (and I think i've met all those nonreceptive people living in Boston grrr)

Yeah i rambled too.. but overall: there's a wild, wild variety of people out there. don't try to be someone you're not. Louder pl may get noticed more often but that may not be the attention you want. As long as you can be comfortable with yourself, the guy will love it. (and if there's no specific guy around you probably will be having too much fun to really notice.)

 

[MissVelvetDress_75]

lets see i have been told by most guys that i am aggressive and that they like it. lol when i see a guy that i am intersted in i usually make the first move. i don't like playing games and have no patience..haha... however, i have also been told by guys that i appear to be a real bitch because when i am in a new situation surrounded by new people i usually just sit back and observe before finding a comfort zone. apparently this comes off as being a snob. lol. so lets see i have been called a snob, a bitch, aggressive, brave, assertative, shy, etc. all of which i believe to be true. haha...anyway daisy, just be yourself. guys like that and respect that more than anything else. there is no sense of being a person that you are not comfortable with.

 

[daisybean]

That was the funniest thing I've heard today

I can't believe you peed in my thread meggy

 

[Giant Lemon]

I don't come off as arrogant or territorial....just a loser with no personality...I swear I couldn't start a conversation to save my life.

I'm in the same boat! I'm the worst small-talker EVER. It's so ridiculous- talking with my friends I can think of tons of random things to say, but stick me with someone I don't know that well and I can't think of anything to say at all. I guess I've just come to accept it as a part of my personality.

 

[bonosloveslave]

A thought......

Just a general suggestion - people LOVE to talk about themselves, so if you can think of anything to ask them, say about their schooling, where they were raised, what kind of music they like, whatever - they will very likely talk and talk and think YOU are interesting and a great listener

 

[daisybean]

Re: A thought......

Just a general suggestion - people LOVE to talk about themselves, so if you can think of anything to ask them, say about their schooling, where they were raised, what kind of music they like, whatever - they will very likely talk and talk and think YOU are interesting and a great listener

good suggestion

If I ever get another date I'll have to have you on the phone feeding me stuff to say to this guy

But the only prob is I get bored listening to people only talk about themselves it all turns into "blah blah blah I'm cool blah blah blah"

 

[The_Sweetest_Thing]

I often get stuck in the same situation dais...

At my other university one girl (who ended up becoming a really good friend of mine) told me that she thought I was a snob at first. A guy told me that his first impression of me was that I was stuck up and snooty. All because I was shy and didn't know what to say! I had come from this tiny town where everyone knew everyone so there was never a reason for small talk.

Now I'm at another uni...and every so often, I'll hear people talking, guys included, and I'll just jump in and throw in a random comment. Like how all the Biochem notebooks were sold out! Shit! Where did you get yours? Awesome, i'll have to try that.

Granted, some people have given me the "WHo the hell are you?" look, but in most cases these people have become my friends.

I think what BLS said, about asking people questions about themselves is a good idea..it opens up doors. If they keep talking about themselves, and don't ask you any questions in return, they're not worth it.

Good luck sweetie! You'll find him one day soon!

 

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

Re: Don't pee on me territorial meeg

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight Aprkl....riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

I'm as innocent as a little kitten. Anyone here will attest to that.



Back to the topic at hand, I feel the same way about people going on and on about themselves, but yeah, asking questions is always a good ice-breaker. And if you really like the person, it'll be beneficial to you in the long run. I don't think I'm making much sense today either.

 

[oliveu2cm]

Re: Re: A thought......

But the only prob is I get bored listening to people only talk about themselves it all turns into "blah blah blah I'm cool blah blah blah"

if they're cool they'll ask questions back.

if not...

 

[bonosloveslave]

Re: Re: A thought......

If I ever get another date I'll have to have you on the phone feeding me stuff to say to this guy

Anything I can do to help ya babe!

 

[daisybean]

Re: Re: Re: A thought......

Anything I can do to help ya babe!

I just had this horrible image, of you feeding me info over the phone to a potential Mr. Right

Potential Mr. Right: uh, who are you talking to?
me: Bonosloveslave
PMR: um, I gotta go, uh uh uh, my gramma just died, yeah that's it *runs*
me:

 

[bonosloveslave]

Re: Re: Re: Re: A thought......

I just had this horrible image, of you feeding me info over the phone to a potential Mr. Right

Potential Mr. Right: uh, who are you talking to?
me: Bonosloveslave
PMR: um, I gotta go, uh uh uh, my gramma just died, yeah that's it *runs*
me:

Yeah, this kinda thing didn't work out perfectly for Cyrano de Bergerac, we'd definitely need some trial runs!