I REALLY miss my best friend

[Diemen]

Prepare yourselves for a lengthy read...

It's been a little over a month since I last saw her, but that wasn't under the best circumstances, and the results of that have left me deeply confused and unsure about things in my life that have always been constant and safe. Even though we still communicate somewhat regularly, everything feels so distant that it makes my head and heart ache. A big part of me wants to just take back everything that happened to bring us to this place, but it's too late for that. I got hurt, and I hurt her trying to stand up for myself.

Not a day - hell, not an hour goes by that I don't think of this. I've tried finding creative outlets - I finally got a piano again so I can at least play and relieve some tension that way, but at the end of the day, when I'm lying in bed before going to sleep, my thoughts inevitably find their way back to this ugly situation we're in. Even though my actions may have been the final thing that caused this, and despite the hurt and pain I've been dealing with, I have never stopped wanting her near. She has been my best friend for 10 years, and I suppose when it comes down to it she's the only one who could really, truly hurt me and yet I would be able to move past it.

I'm just scared that it's not the same case for her. I'm afraid that she's just going to adapt to life without me being around and realize that maybe she just doesn't need me around in anything more than a casual role.

I guess the thing that pains me the most is that I poured so much of myself into our relationship in the past months, being the one by her side through everything, through her moments of intense self-doubt and intense happiness, and it pains me to see that now we can only just exchange some light small talk and can't even do that all that comfortably.

I want to see her again, if for nothing more than to look into her eyes and tell her how sorry I am for the way things turned out. But I just don't know what's what anymore. Only that I miss her, love her and need our friendship to continue and rebuild through this.

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Experience is something that comes just after you need it.

 

[Diamond The U2 Patriot]

Sorry for ya kid.
It will take time.
Believe me it will go away and you will heal.

Diamond

 

[zooropamanda]

She can only see how much you care from this, A.
Take care, both of you.

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I am a cowgirl of funk*

 

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

((((Diemen))))

 

[tiny dancer]

Please take care of yourself. Time will heal.

 

[joyfulgirl]

I miss mine, too, only he died and won't be back. So as someone who has recently lost a friend forever, I would urge you to do whatever you can to at least communicate how you feel with her. Give it time, but also maybe a write a letter or something and spill your heart. I don't know the circumstances surrounding what happened, so therefore cannot say what is really the appropriate thing to do, but these kinds of connections are precious and while they aren't always forever, at least you might have more peace if you can communicate what's in your heart and then surrender it. I hope it all works out for the best. (Sorry for the unsolicited advice--sometimes that's the last thing one needs, too.)

[This message has been edited by joyfulgirl (edited 03-05-2002).]

 

[Peaseblossom]

As someone who knows, she hasn't gone anywhere. She's still around and wants just as badly to forget what happend and for that friendship to be rebuilt. Hell, you've been in her life for 10 years as a pretty prominent figure. That doesn't just disappear because of a fight. I know that she thinks about you just as often, but just can't jump back into the "way things were." This is a person to whom trust means everything, and a trust was broken. In fact, multiple trusts were broken by a number of people she cared about. This is a person who's been hurt over and over again by a person who she believed loved her unconditionally, when she gave it another chance because she believes in love, he just did it again and unintentionally dashed any self-confidence she had. Then, to have another trust broken by her best friend just threw her into a downward spiral. In the last month, she has felt completely alone in the world, and cried herself to sleep quite often. Everyone in her life- even her family- noticed that there was something wrong, something missing, in her personality. The whole experience has made her stronger, though. It's proved that she can make it on her own. She's got a grip on her life again, and is throwing herself into things that make her feel good about herself, her work, her gym, her family, and friends. Last weekend, her dad said he could tell "You're back. I missed you." She's healing, and in time that incredible friendship that you shared can be rebuilt. She just needs time to start to believing that she can trust and love again without getting hurt like she has been in the past. She's there when you need her, and believe that although things can never be the way they were. It will get better, and the friendship that you both count on will never go away.

 

[U2girl]

I can't say i ever experienced something like that...i guess all i can "advise" you is tell her how you feel. Maybe write it down, if it's easier to let it out like that for you.

 

[Diemen]

Originally posted by Peaseblossom:
As someone who knows, she hasn't gone anywhere. She's still around and wants just as badly to forget what happend and for that friendship to be rebuilt. Hell, you've been in her life for 10 years as a pretty prominent figure. That doesn't just disappear because of a fight. I know that she thinks about you just as often, but just can't jump back into the "way things were." This is a person to whom trust means everything, and a trust was broken. In fact, multiple trusts were broken by a number of people she cared about. This is a person who's been hurt over and over again by a person who she believed loved her unconditionally, when she gave it another chance because she believes in love, he just did it again and unintentionally dashed any self-confidence she had. Then, to have another trust broken by her best friend just threw her into a downward spiral. In the last month, she has felt completely alone in the world, and cried herself to sleep quite often. Everyone in her life- even her family- noticed that there was something wrong, something missing, in her personality. The whole experience has made her stronger, though. It's proved that she can make it on her own. She's got a grip on her life again, and is throwing herself into things that make her feel good about herself, her work, her gym, her family, and friends. Last weekend, her dad said he could tell "You're back. I missed you." She's healing, and in time that incredible friendship that you shared can be rebuilt. She just needs time to start to believing that she can trust and love again without getting hurt like she has been in the past. She's there when you need her, and believe that although things can never be the way they were. It will get better, and the friendship that you both count on will never go away.

Thank you, Pease. That helps a lot.

Trust means a lot to me too, and I know how it feels to have it broken - it happened to me in this case as well. It's especially hard to deal with when it comes from someone who has been so close for so long. I'm not prepared to just go back to the "way things were" either, but I don't want to remain in this interim stage of awkward distance and empty small talk much longer. But I don't fault anyone for needing the time.

And let me just say that I got incredibly upset and angry after reading about this person who hurt you again after a second chance at love. It makes me sick and sad, especially after seeing what happened between us partially as a result of that second chance.

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Experience is something that comes just after you need it.

[This message has been edited by Diemen (edited 03-05-2002).]

 

[Peaseblossom]

It's good to know that you understand. That's a lot of comfort. Unfortunately, right now, for her, this is a "It's not you, it's me" type thing. She just needs time to regroup and rebuild, and hopefully all will work out.

As for that other person, let's just say that there's no regret that he's out eating bark for the next six months.