I have been burned by a GF's past...

[theu2fly]

My GF revealed her past to me, and it frightened me. However, like 6 months ago -- an ex started harassing her and I got involved, I began blocking his calls to her, blocking emails and instant messages. She didn't say anything at first because it was something she wanted me to do...

Then eventually I started to get more excessive, that I started checking her phone and internet on a regularly basis, still thinking he was around.

Then she lied to me about smoking, and I kept finding out what she was doing, I checked her purse and going through receipts, that I eventually just kept going. She stopped smoking, but it's like I just kept going.

So it was 2 things that I had went through, that I now am trying to back off, but I keep catching myself wondering and wanting to do it. She says I'm being controlling, but I don't think I'm being controlling... I just realized what I did wrong, but it's hard to believe her and getting her to believe me I've changed...

What can I do?

 

[JMScoopy]

sounds like a major pain in the ass

 

[VertigoGal]

Talk to her about the ex, but I am guessing at this point if she wants your help, she'll ask for it. No one likes people snooping around on their phone/internet, even with good intentions.

I'd give her some space on the smoking thing too. She's probably compelled to lie to you about it because you're so controlling about it, right or wrong. You have to wrap your head around the idea that exposing her or keeping close tabs on her habits isn't going to change anything in the least. And the only way you can prove you're willing to back off, is to back off.

 

[redkat]

you don't trust her and now she doesn't trust you.

If you don't back off that won't change. I'd smoke just to piss you off if I thought you were checking up on me.

Sounds like you both need some space.

 

[BVS]

You have trust issues...period!!!

You've gone a little overboard...

 

[Liesje]

Yeah, I think your relationship would need professional help to be salvageable. First, like everyone else said, both of you now have trust issues. Second, it sounds like she's got a lot of baggage that's really distracting to you. Third, it doesn't sounds like the smoking thing was ever resolved (based on the other thread).

It could be that she's lashing out, who knows. If I were her, I'd rather voice my anger or end the relationship than deliberately do things to lash out, but that's me. I'd never lie about something that I knew was important to my bf, even if I thought it was rediculous, and I'd never want to be in a relationship with someone who would.

If she's important to you, you have to accept some blame and try to show her that you're changing for the better.

 

[starsgoblue]

you don't trust her and now she doesn't trust you.

If you don't back off that won't change. I'd smoke just to piss you off if I thought you were checking up on me.

Sounds like you both need some space.

 

[Angela Harlem]

You sound very much like a control freak. I started responding to your other thread, but deleted it because it seemed a tad pointless. As does this one, actually. I had copied all these stand-out sentences in the other thread which just screamed 'controller'. Dude, you need to do some serious self learning. And listening.

 

[BrownEyedBoy]

I agree. And some girl will come along who will teach you to "back off" the hard way and it won´t be pretty.

Just back off on her and learn to trust her.

You need to ask yourself one question, though, is this insecurity on your part?

 

[theu2fly]

I agree. And some girl will come along who will teach you to "back off" the hard way and it won´t be pretty.

Just back off on her and learn to trust her.

You need to ask yourself one question, though, is this insecurity on your part?

I wasn't like this when I first met her, but when people started harassing and other things (non physical) to her, I started getting involved. And since it has all stopped, I guess that I still feel I have a need to be involved in it all, but I really don't.

I wasn't this way when I met her, and I'm trying to get out of it now -- It's just that I guess I was being too overprotective, and just trying to protect what is mine. Yes I know I went off the deep end, but she doesn't believe me quite yet that I'm changing... but I don't blame her for.

It's just that I got too involved in everything and tried to do what was best for her, but instead of being supportive, I was criticizing.

 

[redkat]

t's just that I guess I was being too overprotective, and just trying to protect what is mine.

I'm sure you didn't mean to say this?!

 

[BrownEyedBoy]

Figure of speech, redkat.

 

[BonoIsMyMuse]

If she doesn't want to be honest with you, whether it's about smoking or about her past, she's not going to be, and if you try to force her, that's just putting more stress on the relationship. In my opinion, trust is one of the most important parts of a relationship, and if it's not there, then I'm not sure how things can work.

I had trust problems in my first serious relationship, and as I matured, I realized that a lot of what I did with good intentions ended up doing more harm that good. I'm not saying you're immature; I just mean that it's hard to put perspective on problems in a relationship when you're in the middle of things.

My advice is to take a deep breath and step back for awhile. If you really want to be together, you're both going to have to make some sacrifices, and it doesn't sound to me like either of you is quite ready to do that yet. Maybe after a few weeks (or months, or whatever) apart, you'll realize that your problems are very secondary to your wanting to be together, or you might realize that they're too big to overcome.

Either way, good luck.

 

[BonosBaby12]

Giving your situation I think it's best you both took some time away from each other also. Who knows maybe by doing this you will see that perhaps this relationship just isn't meant to be? Personally if my bf were being this controlling than I would have stated how I felt long ago. You may have the best of intentions but like someone else said that can always cause harm.

 

[unforgettableFOXfire]

She's a big girl; she doesn't need protecting. If there's one way to get women to resent you (or people, really, not just women), its to overstep your bounds in a relationship and make them feel that you don't think they're capable of doing anything for themselves. Clearly this isn't the rationale for trying to protect her from creepy stalker-ish ex-boyfriends, or from nicotine addiction, but really... you protect because you care... but there's a difference between shows of affection and assuming that its your job or place to check her messages, check up on her and her friends, look through her purse for any reason, etc. What's done is done, so come to terms with that how you may; if she asks you to do those things, or urges you to that's one thing, but doing it of your own volition is kindof like you're micromanaging her life for her... really, she'll probably feel like she doesn't has enough control of her own life, and at that point you're bound to have it out.

It isn't just a trust issue, it's also a power-equity issue. Listen to her, hear what she has to say, and explain why you were doing what you were, why you know it wasn't a great move on your part, and let her have the next move (or two, three, or four) -- do your best not to cross any lines in whatever agreement may be reached, or she'll probably stick a fork in you 'cause you'll be done.

 

[theu2fly]

I know I gotta step back, all those problems are out of the picture now, I just gotta let it all go and let it fade away...

I guess I just got too wrapped up in things and forgot what I was really doing it for. I did overstep the line for protection, now I'm just being obssessive.

But then again, she's young so it's going to remind her of me being her father, or some type of authority figure -- something that she can revolt against.

 

[U2Girl1978]

I don't know what to say but as usual Foxfire has some excellent advice. You definitely should follow it.

 

[starsgoblue]

Jules! You're sig is priceless! /endofftopic

 

[U2Girl1978]

 

[Diemen]

It's just that I got too involved in everything and tried to do what was best for her, but instead of being supportive, I was criticizing.

Patient: It hurts when I do this.
Doctor: Then don't do that!

 

[MissVelvetDress_75]

I know I gotta step back, all those problems are out of the picture now, I just gotta let it all go and let it fade away...

I guess I just got too wrapped up in things and forgot what I was really doing it for. I did overstep the line for protection, now I'm just being obssessive.

But then again, she's young so it's going to remind her of me being her father, or some type of authority figure -- something that she can revolt against.

Um, may I ask how old you are?

 

[Schmeg]

I used to go out with a guy like this and that is one of the top 3 reasons why I didn't have a serious boyfriend for oh the next 7 years!

 

[Hewson]

Then eventually I started to get more excessive, that I started checking her phone and internet on a regularly basis, still thinking he was around...


I checked her purse and going through receipts, that I eventually just kept going. She stopped smoking, but it's like I just kept going...

but it's hard to believe her and getting her to believe me I've changed...

Sounds like you have a bright future as a stalker ahead of you and likely will be the headline of numerous restraining orders.

 

[Muggsy]

Then she lied to me about smoking, and I kept finding out what she was doing, I checked her purse and going through receipts, that I eventually just kept going. She stopped smoking, but it's like I just kept going.

my boyfriend smokes and I'm asmathic.

He knows that he can't smoke when I'm around and he has been smoking less since we are together... He also knows that I would like him to stop smoking (because I think in his health too... I don't want him to get sick whe he gets older), but I know this is something he has to do for himself, and although my condition has influenced it, I won't claim any authority over him.