I Had My Doubts About This, and Now Apparently They've Been Confirmed

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LarryMullen's POPAngel

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I'll be up with the sun, I'm not coming down...
I'm a horrible friend. Selfish and spoiled, etc. and all the rest.

For a long time now I've always had a bit of self-doubt when it came to my friendships. I would always worry if I was a good enough listener, if I did anything I could to help and be accomodating, if I was in fact being the best friend I could be. Well, tonight I got an email from a supposed close friend of mine I've had since high school, and some of what she wrote really hurt me.

-She said I was "selfish, spoiled, lazy and prissy" and that "these are the reasons you will grow to be a very lonely old woman."

-She said I use people at my convinience then throw them away when I don't need them anymore. (I see NO evidence of this when I look back on things, but maybe I'm not the best one to judge.)

-She said all of my conversations are one-sided, filled with my little melodramatic problems. Quote: "Get a life, no one cares!"


There was more, but I don't want to rewrite it all here. I am very upset by this email. I always thought I was a good friend, but maybe some of the worrying I've done in the past wasn't for naught and I should have tried improving on those things while I had the chance. Now if I lose this certain circle of friends, I will have only a few friends left here in Michigan, but most are far away and I wouldn't get to see them very often. :sad:

I want to see someone, talk to them about ways I could improve, but how do you begin with something like this? I'm an only child, so I'm sure that has something to do with the selfishness, but you can't go on these excuses all of your life, at some point you have to grow up.

I'm confused, and very depressed.

:help:
 
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just remember, that people who write with the intent to hurt maybe aren't the most innocent of people; maybe she's feeling some guilt or jealousy and throwing it back at you, that's not to say you're not partially culpable, I really have no idea, though most of us have made mistakes in even the simplest of human relations, but try not to be so hard on yourself, unless you are an extremely malevolent person or something, though I highly doubt it

and people who tear down or rip apart others usually are either holier-than-thou or feeling a bit guilty about their own life and are looking to unload it on someone
 
The Wanderer said:
and people who tear down or rip apart others usually are either holier-than-thou or feeling a bit guilty about their own life and are looking to unload it on someone

exactly. i'm sorry to hear that you're going through this, but my best advice (and take it from someone who has been there) is to take the email and do some serious soul-searching. are you getting what you want from life? do you like all aspects of yourself? if not, why?

remember that you only get to live once, and you should milk it for all it's worth. in order to do that, you have to be the best you. offer the best you got and most of all, don't shortchange yourself.

:hug: X 1000
 
I don't think you should listen to the words from a person who wrote all these to a 'friend.' What Wanderer said is what I wanted to say, so I'm not going to repeat that... Believe in yourself. :yes:

*:hug: April*
 
I know I just emailed you girlie... I still cant believe that someone who is supposed to be your good friend could write stuff like that.

As you know, I went through a similar thing with an old group of friends a few years ago... I finally just separated myself from them, and while things sucked socially for a while, I still say it's the best thing I ever did. Like it was said above, it's probaby a really good time to take a good look at yourself and your life, and work on what's bringing you down, no time like the present.

But aside from that... dont let what one person says hurt you too much... maybe you need to talk to the "other" people she referred to in the email to see if it's really true.

You know I'm your friend, I dont think you suck... :D You're a good person and a caring friend, you have nothing to worry about in that sense :hug: You know you can give me a buzz if you want too!!
 
I'll kick her ass

That wasnt a very nice email especially coming from a friend. If she wanted to give you advice about yourself she could have at least done it with more tact. ( I read the email ). She is no friend.

Blargh to her.

:hug: to you.
 
blech, your headline, that has to be one of the worst feelings.

i mean when at first you have a hunch about something bad, and then it happens is just an awful thing.

best of luck.
 
I know how you feel....I took a different path from my high school friends and they treated me horribly for it (calling me a snob and other things). Truth be known I was acting like a bitch toward them, I somehow felt I was better, smarter than them, because I was going to college and they weren't. Unfortunately, it took me until after college, and out in the real world to see that.

I think it is great that you are using this to examine you're own personality, rather than saying "well it's them not me." It takes a lot of maturity to say "Maybe I'm not perfect, how can I fix it." From the pieces of the email, it does seem overly harsh and a bit rude. However, you have a willingness to make things better. The fact that her opinion of you makes you feel this way proves that you are not selfish...if you were, you wouldn't care about her opinion.


I think you should come right out and talk straight to her. She may say things that will piss you off, but give her the opportunity to say her peace. Find out from her what you can do to improve things, but don't make yourself crazy trying to please her.
 
April...as much as it hurts, it's things like that that help you figure out who your true friends are, and a true friend would never say that. I can sympathize though. When I was still suffering from depression and suicidal tendencies, I had a lot of friends who bailed on me...one friend said she wished I would just kill myself so that she wouldn't have to deal with me anymore. Ouch. Now THAT hurt...but it made me realize she wasn't my real friend...and my real friends helped me get through things.

Seriously, girl, we gotta hang out sometime...I've got 3-day weekends this semester...I think we need to get together and do something! We'll have fun and forget about stupid people! :D
 
i don't know you, but the fact that you even think about things like 'am i listening enough', and about trying to be helpful and accomodating etc...if you were a 'selfish bitch', you wouldn't think about those things, would you? but you do.

i agree with wanderer, it sounds like your friend has some issues of her own that she needs to work out. no one is perfect, all you can do is be the best you can, and if that's not good enough for some people, then you don't need them in your life.
 
Well, now that I've had time to sleep on this, my thoughts are this:

I'll give talking to her about this a shot. But, if she continues to attack me without acknowledging that I'm trying to see about improving on things, then there's nothing I can do. Like some of you told me, "A real friend wouldn't say things so harsh." :(

I'm not using this as an excuse, but things have been pretty rough for me this year, and if I've let people down I feel horrible about it, but I don't think I deserved what I got last night. I know I have true friends who accept me for who I am, and are willing to support me when I realize there's need for change.

just remember, that people who write with the intent to hurt maybe aren't the most innocent of people; maybe she's feeling some guilt or jealousy and throwing it back at you,


Yes, my thoughts exactly. Let's just say that this is a girl who was kicked out of her home by her asshole father, and has no job or car at the moment and is not trying to do a single thing about it. She also belittled my new computer when I told her about it, probably because my mom bought it for me (even knowing I'm responsible for paying for half of it when I go back to work).

exactly. i'm sorry to hear that you're going through this, but my best advice (and take it from someone who has been there) is to take the email and do some serious soul-searching. are you getting what you want from life? do you like all aspects of yourself? if not, why?


I've been spending a lot of time with myself lately (not all by choice) and have been doing lots of thinking about what's wrong with things. I've read about the tough times you've had Lilly, and I can only hope I can get through them as well as you seem to have.
:hug:



When I was still suffering from depression and suicidal tendencies, I had a lot of friends who bailed on me...one friend said she wished I would just kill myself so that she wouldn't have to deal with me anymore.


Wtf?! :down: That's bullshit, girl. I'm sorry you had to deal with asses like that. We'll seriously have to start kicking some butt in the gatherings forum so we can have a huge U2 party! :)


To Sicy, Kath, risti, deathbear and the others, thank you for your replies and everything else. This forum rocks hard some days.

:hug: :hug: 's to all of you.
 
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april i'm really sorry for what you're going through right now. i know this hasn't been the easiest year of your life and the last thing you needed was a personal attack from a so-called friend. i really don't know what else to add because everyone here made excellent points. i do agree that your friend sounds like she is having a terrible time right now and is taking it out on you. if she truly had problems with you there was a more mature and effective way to address it - i.e. NOT via email. people often say hurtful things in emails because it's easy to get carried away. they can go off on a rant without actually seeing the repercussions. if you plan on attempting to patch this up i would recommend doing it at least on the phone. that way you each have the ability to defend yourself and you/she will be less likely to say something you regret. i've gotten in some email wars myself and they rarely end well. eventually you need to actually discuss the problem. and as for your friendship skills, it sounds like you've already been doing some soul searching. we all have things we can improve on. do not let this personal attack make you feel like you have nothing to offer your friends because this is simply NOT TRUE. you are a wonderful person who happens to be going through a rough patch in the road. you'll get through this and you'll grow from it. i hope that everything turns out ok and i hope the two of you can work this out. i'm always here if you need an ear.

:hug: :hug: :hug:
 
of course i can't speak for how you are in real life, but here, you certainly don't portray any of those negative qualities this "friend" speaks of. as others have said, it sounds like this person is feeling guilty about their own life, and saw you as perhaps an easy target.

don't believe what they say. if she was a true friend, and any of what she said was true, she would've gone about it with more tact, to provide constructive criticism instead of ranting and yelling, which gives me all the more reason to believe it's her, not you. :D :hug:
 
Well... everyone has pretty much said what I would say to you... so without repeating others words, let me just offer a Big :hug: and send my thoughts to you.
Look for a reason in this. Her words may not be true... but perhaps you can become a better person because of it. She obviously could use some soul-searching herself.
You have a kind heart April... grow on that and things will work out.
 
More thanks and :hug: :hug: for everyone's words and advice, I will definitely think about everything said here when I go to call her (I will be calling her, as she has blocked my email address), and when I have time to sit down and really assess myself and this whole thing.

You guys are angels, and I'm not being cheesy when I say that.
 
Well i can relate to what you're saying partially - i have my doubts partially about friendships in real life (am i a good enough friend etc...) too.

But then i think that if there was something wrong with my friendsip skills, someone would say something by now, or they wouldn't hang out with me anymore.

Since neither of those things have happened - i think i'm okay. :)

True, we don't know you in real life, but i don't think that you're as horrible as your "friend" described you. No one is perfect and friends can be good for consctructive critisism and be your conscience help and guides at times, but not open attacks like you experienced.

Further more, a real friend will accept you with good and the bad. There was a time when i thought i'd get my ass kicked here, but somehow i now got happy birthday wishes and kindness all over the place from some of the people i only expected the "from bad to worse" scenario. Life is a pretty amazing thing that way.

:wave:
 
to everyone's words as well

Judging by the amount of friends you have around here, you should know that you really are a great and caring person April! The fact that you are being eaten away by that email should tell you that you are not as self-absorbed as you or others may think. Just have faith in yourself and good luck w/ phone call ok?

:heart: ya and :hug:s! :)
 
I don't know you really at all, but I have to say one thing.

Doing this all in an email to you and then blocking your address is just a terrible way to "end " a friendship.

Not to mention cowardly.

Not worth it, girl.

You will meet better people on down the road.

:tsk:
 
Wow - what this supposed "friend" did to you is absolutely unacceptable and clearly not the actions of someone who actually cares about you. Especially the blocking the email thing. Everyone else has pretty much covered what I think about this. This person obviously has some issues of her own if she's pulling a hit and run attack like this. I personally wouldn't waste much time trying to show her she's wrong.
 
This makes me want to yak

April, I'm so sorry to hear about this. Really, this makes me so angry! You are in no way a selfish person!! You've done so much for me! Like sending me cds, posters, etc. Plus, if it weren't for you, we wouldn't have had so much fun at so many great concerts!!! What you do to enable us to go to a show, is so, so unselfish. And I appreciate it so much (since you know about my weird, um, phobia). Plus you came down for my birthday this year, and sympathetically listen to all of my bullshit problems on a daily basis. You're always there to make me laugh, or feel better when I'm having a bad day. If that doesn't make a good friend, then I really don't know what does...

:hug:
 
Kristina, your post almost made me cry (in a good way)

Apparently this girl isn't answering her phone messages, either. I tried calling her once this morning, then again earlier this evening. Her sister (also my friend) called an hour ago and we were fine, so hopefully it'll stay this way, and not turn into a whole other can of worms (i.e, them against me, which I highly doubt).

Blargh. :crack:


Anyways, you guys all kick ass, thanks for listening to yet another one of my problems. :hug:
 
April, you've always seemed like the sweetest person on the board. If this friend of yours thinks it's ok to voice opinions in a tactless way like that, then not only are they hardly a friend, but they are also not really someone whose opinion you should take too seriously. just look at all the responses you've gotten here, I hardly think all these people are as clueless as your friend is acting right now.

sorry it had to happen this way, it is one of the most sucky feelings in the world.
 
from what i know of you, you are a very kind hearted individual looking to add smiles to the lives of others. you are a provider.

your friend sound kinda cruel for slapping you so hard, i think if had been really serious she may have looked you in the eyes while telling you those harsh words rather than "email". cruel people are just no fun at all - no fun.
 
permission to smart-ass around some more?

Also, consider that this was one person's opinion only - and i don't think that a single person is ever enough to describe someone accurately.

Plus is it possible she wrote that email in some angry moment (did you have a fight earlier?) - and wasn't thinking clearly?
People often say or do things "in the heat of the moment" and don't really mean it.
 
Re: permission to smart-ass around some more?

:hug: to B_A and Matt. :)

U2girl said:

Plus is it possible she wrote that email in some angry moment (did you have a fight earlier?) - and wasn't thinking clearly?
People often say or do things "in the heat of the moment" and don't really mean it.

Oh, yes. We had been fighting over email for almost a week when I received that email. She has had a history of being like that in the past, without any prior fights to "excuse" her. This time she went for blood, unfortunately. :tsk: Her blocking of my email address and not calling me back after two attempts to reach her....well, I think that clearly this is something that cannot be resolved, and if it is, it's a long way off from being so.
 
LarryMullen's_POPAngel said:
Her blocking of my email address and not calling me back after two attempts to reach her....well, I think that clearly this is something that cannot be resolved, and if it is, it's a long way off from being so.

at least you know you tried. you did the right thing.
 
ok, i won't elaborate but i've been having issues with "friends" lately too.....hey, girlie.....if you're ever on the west side of the state, i'd love to hang out cause you seem like a right sweetie to me! *hugs* things will get better.....and as i always remember, some friends are not worth keeping....just keep the true ones and drop the burden of the fake ones..

i really do hope you feel better.
 
LarryMullen's_POPAngel said:
Her blocking of my email address and not calling me back after two attempts to reach her....well, I think that clearly this is something that cannot be resolved, and if it is, it's a long way off from being so.


Ugh! I hate this kind of thing!!!!!!!

How can you resolve it if she blocks you and won't take your phone calls? I think your last statement in what I have quoted sums it up......hopefully this will clear up someday if the friendship is meant to be.

Life is too short, and people hold too many grudges for stupid reasons. Often, they don't take into account what you are going through (you crappy year, etc.). I wish people would take time to understand better.

I say walk on from the situation right now - it's obvious you don't need this extra crap in your life!

Good luck April!!!!!!!!!!!! Hope it goes well for you.:hug: :hug:
 
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