I did a really bad thing

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sami0201

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Ok I did something really really bad and now someone knows and now I'm scared that everyone is going to find out and it could cause me to lose like half of my friends and only one person knows so I can't even talk to my friends about it and I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!! I have a friend who has been going out with this guy for like two years but they broke up when she went to college (the same school as me). I have liked him for OVER two years but obviously never acted on it or anything but we have always had a "thing", I can't explain it. Over winter break I wasn't sober and I told him and we just had a conversation about it but whatever, nothing ever happened, no big deal. This weekend we were both in the same place and his ex (my friend) wasn't there (even though they aren't technically together anymore they still like each other and talk all the time and he came to visit a few weeks ago). But I should just tell you that they may have loved each other, I'm sure they did but he was never faithful to her and she knows all about it. So we were both not in a clear state of mind, just dancing at a club, nothing going on. His hands started to wander and I told him that he's just being drunk and he should stop because I'm friends with the ex. He pulled me aside and told me all this stuff, about how he has felt something for me since we went to a concert in tenth grade- I just started college (I know he was drunk but if it wasn't partly sincere he probably wouldn't have brought up that random concert?) And just like whenever I'm with him and the ex he's always freaking looking at me and of course I notice it and I know I sound self involved but he really alway does look at me, to the point where once we were all in the same room and my friend (the only one who knows about my thing for him) texted me "he is staring at you". So anyway he's telling me how he's felt something for me since then and I've always been so intruiging and quiet and blah blah. So I was like I've felt the same for over 2 years etc, nothing he didn't already know. All that happened was that we danced, that's IT. Then we went back to where we were staying (our friends that we were staying with are in the same community) and his best friend stayed in my frienid's room with us (her roommate wasn't there) and I got into a huge fight with my other friends and I was hysterically crying at like 4am and the guy's friend who was staying with us was like I'm going to call him he will know what to say. So he came over and by the time he got to the room I wasn't crying anymore but we were just talking and stuff, NOTHING bad happening. And he was just being really sweet and like touching my face or brushing the hair out of my eyes or whatever. So his friend ended up passing out with my friend in her bed and me and him were up but just talking and stuff. We were laying down just talking on the other bed but he would like kiss my neck or my ear or something or he would kiss me but not like fully kiss I don't know. It was like he wanted to but he knew he couldn't so he was like holding back, it was weird. Then we were all up again and we were all just hanging out and he asked me to scratch his back so I was but nothing bad was going on. We all passed out by like 7:30am. Then the next morning I woke up by 9:30 because I had to leave and he wasn't drunk and he was STILL like touching me and just being the same so he must have meant SOMETHING when he said that. Anyway the next night he was drunk and told his ex's best friend (I'm sorry this is confusing but I don't want to use names just incase) who I am good friends with. I'm better friends with her then with the ex. He told her everything that happened. She said to me "*** told me not good things that happened last night" and I told her that NOTHING happened besides me dancing with him and sleeping in bed (it really didn't, no hooking up or making out or whatever you would like to call it) and she believes me but she's like "I still think it's disrespectful that you slept in the same bed" and blabla and obviously I agree and I know it was. I asked her to please not say anything to the ex and she's like "I guess I won't". I really hope she doesn't but at the same time I feel like she will. And I am FREAKING OUT. Because even though nothing happened I KNOW that it was wrong to still do that even though they technically aren't together anymore. And the ex is not one of my best friends or anything but we ARE friends and I am good friends with a lot of people who are friends with her. And the only other person besides her best friend who knows is the girl who's room we were staying in obviously but I know she would never ever say anything. So, yeah. I got myself into a really really bad situation. I hate him for telling the friend and I hate the friend for knowing and if she tells the ex my life will basically be ruined. I want to call him and tell him that I can't believe he did that but I feel like maybe I should just let it be. And I know it was a terrible thing to do and normally, just because I've liked him for so long, I wouldn't care. But it's just the fact that a few of my good friends are her best friends and all the new friends we made are also friends with her and if everyone found out I don't know how they would react, because it was really me who did a bad thing. And I also feel like the fact that I am hiding it makes it seem worse if she ever was to find out, it makes it seem like I did something wrong. But I don't want to just tell her and make it a bigger deal than it was.

I hope you were able to follow along with that, I hope it makes a little sense. :huh: But I really just need 100% honest opinions and advice please.
 
I'm sorry!! :reject: But now I'm thinking that maybe when I go back up to school today and I'm telling them about my night I should just completely casually tell them that we slept in the same bed (obviously not about the other stuff). I don't know. I'm sorry it was so long but I had to get it out!!!
 
My 100% opinion:

YOU have done nothing wrong........tell your mate to pull her head in!
Give this guy a go, you like him, he likes you......there absolutely nothing wrong.....yeah it will get everyone's chin wagging but it will all soon die down and everyone will look back at how funny this all was.....just chill and let life happen!

BTW....I was joking about popping the "e" i do not condone drug use...Ok....OK! Having said that i'm off to bed!

PS: I do know how School girls are.....used to be one:D so also just tell your friend that you would really hate to break this party up over a dumb boy and that you really dig her as a friend.
 
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sami :hug:
honestly you really didn't do anything that horrible. you were both drunk, you didnt hook up, the ONLY thing that happened was a move he made on you not the other way around, you said he's got a reputation for being unfaithful, they're not technically dating anymore (yes i know it would still be bad if you guys had actually hooked up...but you didnt). did i mention you were drunk?
i know none of this matters because if your friends will see it as a huge thing thats what counts...i just don't think you should feel too personally guilty like you're some kind of horrible slut. you made a mistake, that's all.

i know the feeling sucks though in the pit of your stomach when you're waiting to be found out about something. i think maybe you should talk to your friend who knows and just re-explain exactly what happened, maybe emphasize that you were drunk and sort of just passed out wherever? tell her you feel bad about it (to get points with her) and that you really just don't want this to come out because you know it will get blown way out of proportion and cause unnecessary drama when really nothing happened in the first place.

basically reinforce your story, make her sympathize with you by saying you do feel bad about it, then guilt her so she doesn't want to be the bitch who causes unnecessary drama.
unless she thrives on that in which case you might be screwed. :yikes:



:hug:
 
go ahead and talk to your friend. she IS your friend after all. even though i agree you did nothing wrong, as long as you tell her about it she won't think you're trying to hide anything (which you are not!)

haha, i don't miss being 18. not one bit. but your 18 doesn't seem to be nearly as annoying as mine was.
 
Although I have liked him for so long, I would never go for it. At least not while we're in college. It's pointless anyway- he lives 6 hours away from where we are in school. In four years if things are the same, we'll see what happens. :wink: I just feel like it's so...taboo. And I could never actually hook up with him at least not now, I'd feel too guilty. It's that whole off limits "friends ex boyfriend" thing. I just don't know if I should tell her, or if I should just wait and see and just hope that my friend doesn't tell her. Thanks for the opinions guys!
 
^ I like that idea of the 4 years from now thing...I had a very best friend wait a good month before going on a date with my ex of a long time and to be honest, it was awkward and it took a big toll on our relationship. Because...
1. guys talk about sports, and girls. And I didn't want to hear about his.

2. I was kicked out of my room so they could sleep in the same bed numerous times.

3. I didn't like her...she was with him...we never hung out.

But I would tell her. and tell her what you just said IF you truely mean that you would never hook up with him b/c it is her X. If you do intend to hook up with the guy whenever he comes around, do NOT put that part in about never hooking up with him. That will only make things worse. Did I make sense here? :hmm:

I do not miss 18...:wink:
 
Sami..whew I'm exhausted after reading that.

:hug: You didn't DO anything wrong Sami. if you feel like telling her then I'd be straight with your friend. Just tell her..... she needs to be or should be mature enough to handle it....it's an exboyfriend, they are not even together anymore. This guys sounds really sweet though, you sure you don't want to give him a go? Long distance can workout, Mr. Dis and I did it for 3 years. You guys don't have to just date each other either.

I think this is just part of it all anyway..you make friends, lose friends, gain friends...I've lost friends this way, kept friends, it's all just part of the cycle.
 
since you didn't actually hook up and they're not together now I really don't think you did anything wrong. My advice is tell your friend and try not to make it seem like a big deal, cuz...I don't think it was a big deal. and if you really don't intend on hooking up with him for at least four years, good for you. I don't know if I'd have that kind of restraint, personally.
 
Sami, You are a beautiful young woman and could probably have your pick of any guy you wanted. You don't need a guy who seems to be drunk alot and has cheated on a girl he supposedly had loved. Find someone who will put you on that pedestal!!!

(unless ofcourse your looking for a little hook up with the guy.)

IMO, if your friend and the "guy" are broken up no matter how good of friends they are it shouldn't bother you what happened and it shouldn't bother her either. Personally, I think your friend is being a wee bit jealous that her ex is paying attention to you.
 
JCOSTER said:
Sami, You are a beautiful young woman and could probably have your pick of any guy you wanted. You don't need a guy who seems to be drunk alot and has cheated on a girl he supposedly had loved. Find someone who will put you on that pedestal!!!

(unless ofcourse your looking for a little hook up with the guy.)

IMO, if your friend and the "guy" are broken up no matter how good of friends they are it shouldn't bother you what happened and it shouldn't bother her either. Personally, I think your friend is being a wee bit jealous that her ex is paying attention to you.
 
UberBeaver said:
I never have good advice. I'd say talk to your friend about this guy, and then go for it. But I'm sure that's wrong cause girls are weird.

Yeah, those were my thoughts too, and my advice never seems to do much good.

Crazy girls.
 
He's a loser. Trust me.

I don't mess with friends' exes. It's just bad karma and it doesn't matter if "technically" nothing happened. You need to extricate yourself from situations like that - it will save you a lot of grief in the future.

*Maybe I'm being too harsh on him, but the idea he'd go and tell the g/f tells me that he's not really a nice guy and that there's still something between them that caused him to go and tell her. Which to me, makes him a no-go. :shrug:
 
Thanks for all the advice everyone, I really appreciate it.

Well I mean no one told the ex and she doesn't know as of now. It's her best friend who he told and she hasn't/won't say anything, I spoke to her today about it.

I got a mesage from him on facebook saying that it was good talking to me this weekend and "see you soon?". I was telling my friend (the one whose room we slept in) and while I was telling her he IM'ed her asking if I meant everything I said or if I was just drunk. She told him that honestly she thinks I would have hooked up with him if I wasn't friends with his ex. He told her how it sucks that nothing can happen in public and stuff like that. He said that he regrets that he ever told her friend and that he was drunk and he doesn't know why he did it but he called her today and told her that nothing happened and not to say anything to the ex. I told my friend to tell him that I'm not answering him on facebook because I'm scared that his ex still goes on his name (I'm sure she does) and he just kept talking about how it sucks that I'm friends with her. Then he untagged every single picture of him and her on his facebook. :huh:

I wish this happened while we were still in high school, when I wasn't friends with his ex. I know it sounds bitchy but I would have. With no regrets. I know it's hard for a lot of people to understand but I have felt something for him for SO LONG, and now to hear this it's just like, I don't know what to think. I'm not talking to him because I really don't want to start anything and start drama with our friends because everyone always finds out everything. I wish I could but I just can't do it. At least not so soon. Am I a terrible person?

I want to tell the ex that I slept in the same bed but I don't know how. I don't want to be like I have to talk to you and tell her because I feel like that makes it seem like a bigger deal than it is, no? :banghead:

And by the way she has hooked up with people here, it's not like she hasn't done anything because of him.
 
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Oh, I can understand it, I mean if they're broken up, I'm sure he doesn't feel he did anything wrong. I think the whole situation makes a lot of sense and is pretty common. I think it's a testament to you that you didn't let it get anywhere, out of respect for your friend.
 
Ok I just need to update- I found out that the piece of shit best friend TOLD my friend/the ex. But apparently only that I slept in a bed with him. So I HAVE to tell her tomorrow (I'm not supposed to know that she knows). So complicated. :sigh: I hate girls.
 
anitram said:
He's a loser. Trust me.


Yes.

I agree with most everyone else though that you did nothing wrong.

And is it just me, but shouldn't there be some sort of statue of limitations on "not dating the ex of your friend"? I might have missed how long since the guy and the ex broke up. I tend to feel that once the relationship's over, all bets are off, she has no further "claim" on him and no say in who he happens to want to date next. I mean sure, an appropriate amount of time. . .but nothing like four years.
 
maycocksean said:

And is it just me, but shouldn't there be some sort of statue of limitations on "not dating the ex of your friend"? I might have missed how long since the guy and the ex broke up. I tend to feel that once the relationship's over, all bets are off, she has no further "claim" on him and no say in who he happens to want to date next. I mean sure, an appropriate amount of time. . .but nothing like four years.

It's not just you. They broke up when the ex left for college, but I don't recall reading what year that was. If she just left for college this summer then yeah, it's a bit soon to swoop in and scoop him up. But if they broke up last year or before I honestly don't see any problem. It certainly doesn't seem to me as if you are doing the homewrecker bitch thing. And the "I never date exs of friends" thing is pretty limiting unless you know an awfully lot of people -- or don't have many friends.

And while he doesn't exactly sound like prince charming, he could be fun as a "until the end of the summer" deal.
 
sami0201 said:
Ok I just need to update- I found out that the piece of shit best friend TOLD my friend/the ex. But apparently only that I slept in a bed with him. So I HAVE to tell her tomorrow (I'm not supposed to know that she knows). So complicated. :sigh: I hate girls.

wow...how awefully considerate of her. :|


:wink:
 
sami0201 said:
Ok I just need to update- I found out that the piece of shit best friend TOLD my friend/the ex. But apparently only that I slept in a bed with him. So I HAVE to tell her tomorrow (I'm not supposed to know that she knows). So complicated. :sigh: I hate girls.

Don't be upset with the ex's best friend. If she's her best friend, of course she was going to tell her.
 
You shouldn't be afraid to tell her Sami, you did nothing wrong.

see...this is why people shouldn't have friends:tsk:
 
WildHoneyAlways said:


Don't be upset with the ex's best friend. If she's her best friend, of course she was going to tell her.

I knew she would, she's the kind of person who thrives on creating drama. I just had a little bit of hope that she wouldn't, considering that she's one of my best friends too. :|


Dis :lol: :hug:
 
I told the ex. She acted like she didn't know but I know she did. When I first started telling her she's like "you're scaring me" and after I told her she's like, "ok that's really awkward, I don't know, that's really awkward". I told her I know it was and that's why I wanted to let her know, but that absolutely nothing happened. She told me that as long as I wasn't "humping him in the closet and then cuddling with him in bed" that it's fine. She said she's slept in the same bed with someone before and not done anything and that as long as nothing happened it's ok. I told her that I was literally facing the wall (I was) and that it was only for like two hours anyway. She said as long as nothing happened it's okay. She said she appreciated me telling her and then she hugged me and she jokingly said, "ok go sleep in bed with my boyfriend!". I'm SO happy I got that off my chest and told her. It made me realize that as much as I like him, I really don't think I could ever do anything with him.

Ugh, she's that kind of girl who I hate to love.
 
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