I confess................some truth.

[mad1]

...I never once cried over my father's death, nor even at his funeral............I must sound really abnormal saying that but its true..........

.....however it still haunts me and makes me cry ,(depending), how he ended up after mum and him got seperated, and that upsets me more.......he had a flat down in Bangor, Co Down (I tink) and it had been broken into once and his TV and some stuff stolen - that saddens me still.

He used to stay at our caravan that we all used to have fun in, and drink, drink, drink.....even with men who possibly were just 'drinking pals' and not friends........then mum visited that caravan one time before so much unpaid rent was due it ended up being burnt, and told me the state it was in, that saddens me still. I had to re-visit the caravan site last year to stop the re-occuring nightmares I was getting over it.

I would often get upset at the beginning of The Pogues 'Fairytale of New York', I dont know why but it makes me visualise my father sittin on the steps of an old broken down building, drinking and thinking of all he has lost, inc, his own family....

I have cried more over the above three, but never his death......is there somethin wrong with me?

I know, and he died in 94...........but I was never close to him........

I feel sad now........

 

[ACROB@T]

{{maddie}}

there is no wrong or right way to react in certain situations..people deal with personal losses in their own individual way..myself, I usually react to these situations a lot later..most of the time spent just making sense of it all and when it comes into focus will hit back on so many levels..nothing abnormal about it

 

[SweetOnU2]

(((((Mad1)))))

 

[doctorwho]

Maybe nothing at his funeral made you sad. Death does not necessarily equal sadness. Maybe you felt that after years of hardship, he's now in a better place - his suffering had ended. His pain was over and, as a result, you were actually happy for him, not sad. The only time you seem sad is when you reflect on the hardships of his life, not on his death. This is why I think you didn't cry at the funeral.

Regardless, clearly you cared for him and still miss him. You don't always need to shed tears to express your feelings.

[This message has been edited by doctorwho (edited 05-08-2002).]

 

[zooropamanda]

Maddie, since my father's death I've cried for a number of reasons and many of them include the same reasons you list.
You sound like you were barely an adult when it happened.
You feel guilty. I feel it constantly and its natural.
My sister still hasn't cried over the death of my father and she by the sound of things had a much closer relationship to him than you did to yours.
Everyone has their own way. My brother never speaks of him, yet I still lie awake at night blubbering and talk of him a lot. Everyone has a way of coping that is different and you're only making it harder on yourself by feeling guilt over not crying at his death. It doesn't mean you didn't care for him. Thats obvious in how you talk about it now.
I blubbered all over the place constantly when it happened for months. From the moment he went till long after. Do you think thats a better way to handle it? I don't. But it is my way and just something you have to go with.
Don't feel bad for not being a stereotypical mourner. You can only feel what you feel. I believe he would know that you care.

[This message has been edited by zooropamanda (edited 05-08-2002).]

 

[KhanadaRhodes]

yeah maddie, you don't have to become a sobbing fool at funerals to be sad.

everyone grieves in their own way, and not everyone grieves by crying. i don't either, so i totally understand where you're coming from. you shouldn't feel guilty about it at all.

 

[U2girl]

You may not have cried at the funeral, but you still have fond memories of him that make you sad.
You are clearly still grieving (in your own way, like everyone else).

 

[diamond]

Maddie-
Maybe you became numb after a while,knowing he was on a course of self destruction?

This doesnt make you a bad person.
He was obligated as a father -to control his addictions, he didnt.
This left you dissappointed, rightfully so.
It is clear in your tone that you loved him, just not what he did.
My observation.
Make sense?

diamond

------------------
AIM= diamondbruno9



[This message has been edited by diamond (edited 05-10-2002).]

 

[joyfulgirl]

maddie, I cried after my father died but for all the wrong reasons, mostly over the guilt of feeling relieved that he was gone.

and I have never been to his grave in the 20 years since he died

if it ain't there, it ain't there and you can't fake it and it's not your fault.