For Honor
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(edit: after writing everything, I just want to say that you probably shouldn'y read this, since it's ungodly long. But I'm not afraid of it being detrimental towards my appearnce here in these forums- I'm really just being honest. But if you do decide to read, thanks. There's a lot, though, and I won't be upset if no one writes any responses. Like a lot of things I write, I'm conceited and write just for myself. I think I used this post as a massive brainstorm to just put things out on the table and see whats going on. Regardless, any comments or anything else are welcomed. Thanks for your time)
I have a confession or two.
(note, this is just strait out venting. I don’t really expect any advice or consolation, but I wouldn‘t turn away from it either. This is just straight out venting, and that’s all)
Okay, school-........
I had a Latin etymology paper due today, and I was absent, so I get 0 (zero) credit for it. But I didn’t even do it anyways, I never found the time. I had a psych paper, 20% of the final grade, due last Friday, and I never really finished it. I have all the data and info, I just never put it on paper, and only turned in about 2/3 3/4 of it, so I’ll get a crap grade on that. Also in psych, we had a take home test which I didn’t even do over this weekend. The quarter is over now, so I don’t think I’ll get any credit for anything. I wonder if I will fail psych, which will really suck, since it’s a college course and we paid money for college credits. And it will hurt me, and my pride, because the lowest grade I ever got once was a C. And it will be a shame to my family, my mom, really, because she tries(d) so hard to give me an opportunity to do well and I fuck it up because I can’t deal with things or I’m just to lazy. In modernism, I was supposed to do an outside reading assignment. I’ve not yet finished the book, and I wonder if I will. I'll have some time this week- regents week, no school. But I’ll have to struggle, because I’ve not real motivation. Even in an extra credit writing assignment, (which I don’t really need, since i got a 97 in 1sr qtr,-- but maybe I'll need it now since the outside reading debacle), I still haven’t typed it up yet, though I’m in the process. I have an Economics (advance eco H) tomorrow, at 9, and I have not studied at all. I might do really bad on it. And I’m disgusted with that. Oh yeah, and in physics, I have a lab or two that I didn’t turn in. I will probably have the lowest GPA of my entire life this quarter, unless I have some sort of miracle. Oh yeah, and in math, I think I did really bad on that final, and that disgusts me even more, because it’s such a low, simple course, and I didn’t even put the time in for that. I didn’t even study for that. There isn’t one class that I enjoy right now. No, that’s not true. It’s just that there isn’t one class that I feel comfortable in, and am ahead of the game in. I’m behind, and I’m not doing what needs to be done, and everything sucks. School - academic wise - is now as unpleasing and dissatisfying as socially.
And I have my “friends”, and I’m good looking, and I talk to the girls, and all that. But I can’t get close to anyone in school, and anyone in my life. Generally speaking, I get along better with teachers. And the girls who do have crushes on me, (let’s use Julie as an example), I can’t get close to them, because if I bring them into my life, it will just worsen their load, and even considering that, I don’t think anyone would want to be involved with me right now anyways. I don’t have anything to offer.
I can’t get close to anyone, not my mother, not my father, not my stepmother, barely even my “best friend” who’s my neighbor at my dad’s, well, my stepmothers house now. I can’t even be close (physically, too) to the person I say I love. I almost wish I could run away an marry her sometimes..... just to get away and runaway and be a coward like that. Run from all my problems. But the situation is pretty bleak from my perspective- I don’t have much to lose, and I wonder if that will corrupt my values or make me do some desperate things. One thing though, I’ll never do before I die is drugs, so don’t worry about that. But who knows, I might steal some money or a car and run away.... I could never see myself doing that, but well, I’m not ruling much out anymore. And I’m not ruling much out anymore because anything and everything can happen to me, so I’m just returning the favor on life. “turnabout is fair play”, right?
Oh yeah, and I should mention right now that I’m on the phone with my dad right now, who is “in love”....... (bs) with a drug addict who is in the hospital right now. She just asked him to marry her, and he totally feels the opposite way, such as “I can’t really see myself marrying this person”. “She’s too immature”, “I can’t see her lying next to me in the grave”. So what the hell are you doing wasting you time? I said it quite well- he likes to be in a position where he doesn’t have to do anything.................. well, that’s another story.
This is about me!!!!
Right, so my dad got his car stolen last weekend, and he was robbed of a lot of his money, all his jewelry, and his identity could have been stolen, but hopefully that will be prevented. The car was found, but everything was gone. Oh, and the cops ripped him off, too. (his car was stolen because he was having a bad day, and did something that he normally doesn’t do (nothing too bad), but he made a mistake ....)
Oh, and there’s lots of bitterness after the divorce with my dad and step mom. They really are opposites (she, a fire horse, and he, a rat, should never ever have married. They really don’t think alike at all. I wonder how it lasted 11 years.... ). There are stupid squabbles every weekend now, and it’s trying on my part. Sometimes I just want to leave the room, or the house, you know? And It’s disgusting, and it’s not my problem, and they are both so immature about it. They fight like two children, two babies. It’s pathetic. And I want to help, to do something, but I can’t.
And my mom, who I live with on the weekdays, she’s basically become an invalid. She’s always in pain- fibromialgia (sp?), and there’s nothing I can do for her, either. Yet she still tries to spoil me and not have me work a job- partly because she’s ashamed that she can’t get me a car or anything. And I can’t really complain, because her life sucks, and she does everything for me, and any sign of unhappiness I show just hurts her, so I try not to show anything, but we are sort of distanced. I have the closest relationship with my dad, but I’m beginning to see the faults in his ways, too. I’m seeing his weaknesses. And my stepmother, well, she’s a good person, but she’s sort of slow, actually. She suppressed all sexuality and basically is a nun. Dad says she should be a Sunday school teacher, but everyone, especially herself, knows she doesn’t have any patience. No one has any patience. Except for me, but even mine is fading. I wonder how much longer I can wait....
I sent out 3 college applications, have zero recommendations, and missed the mailing date for one of the part 2 forms. I don’t even have the essay for that done, either. I wonder if I’ll be going to college next year....
I have no friends in school.
I spend my lunch period- my only free period of the day- in the computer lab, listening to U2 music or typing something, or just wasting time. But most recently, trying to keep up with things that I sort of know deep down I will never finish always. There is an overwhelming feeling that right now, my life is in shambles and I don’t know where to go or what to do, and I can’t really talk to anyone about it.
And part of my hates writing this, because I hate sounding weak or in need of pity, or anything like that. I want to be there for others, I want to be a hero, I want to be strong. And right now, I can’t do a damn thing. Everything is a mess, and it’s mostly my fault. I’m lazy and undisciplined, and that’s just the truth. I honestly say I have a positive self image, but I’m really in no mode for work of any sort. Almost neurotic.
I’m in a mix in regards to love between fantasy and reality. I love someone, and meant it when I said I did, but I wonder if I was a lie. And I wonder if I am doubting it now because I’m weak, and I wonder if I said it then because I was weak and desperate and was looking for someone, something to hold on to.
But no...... everything is........ jut empty.
I can’t enjoy the moon, or the snow, or winter at all. I can’t seem to enjoy nature much, and that really means something is wrong with me.
Last week I missed two days of school because I had a splitting pain in my left upper arm/shoulder/chest area. I believe it was stress related. I can’t be close to anyone, and the person I say I love is far away. And I can’t tell if she loves me, really. I’m insecure in that I need more than words to know. I’m a fault of my own weakness. I have no work ethic, and right now all I can do is write this stupid post about my problems. This disgusts me, this whole thing.
It’s disgusting, really.
It’s a mess. What do I really expect from this? What will this change, huh? Nothing.
Will I feel a little better, being able to open up like this and be honest? not really.
It doesn't change anything.
Let’s see..... I also have a fever in the low 90s, and a stupid-ass cough, and a dry throat, and I really don’t like it because it’s just annoying. Mom wants me to take some stupid aspirin, and I did, but i only took one tablet instead of two, because I don’t have any of those symptoms. Medicine never works, and I’m allergic to penicillin, and nothing ever puts me to sleep. I’m always, always the last person awake. And when people start snoring, it just makes it worse....
I really don’t like anything right now, and I don’t know what would make me happy. Even my little Zen comic book, which I was so happy to find, does nothing. It’s just tainted with memories of the past; pain. I can’t really enjoy anything right now, either. Food especially. Everything is just “ugh”. And I don’t want to talk to anyone about it.
But writing this is supposed to do something for me, and I’m just telling people who don’t really need to know anyways. I guess you can say at least I’ll take something from being honest, in this one light. Because I am. This is all true.
Perhaps writing out all my “troubles”, or at least that’s how I “feel” about them, maybe I can then let it go. Maybe I can just “let it go”, like BAD. But I can’t even listen to music. I have no desire- I haven’t listened to anything all day, not even PRIDE, and when I don’t want to hear that, you know something is up with me. And I almost wish I wasn’t so alert, that I didn’t know the answer to things, and that I didn’t understand why I feel this way. I know I started a lot of sentences with “And”, but that’s just an aside.
There’s just so much.......
and I really don’t know about anything right now.
I would say “it’s just a moment, and it’s time will pass”, but, things just seem to have been getting worse for about 2 years, especially for the last 2 months, and especially the last few weeks. It’s always darkest before dawn, and I know I’ll persevere, but, I just tire of waiting and all that.
2005 is going to be the year of the rooster, and that’s my arch enemy, so to say, my opposite, since I’m a rabbit (cat). I don’t really believe in the zodiac of any kind, but it sort of makes some sense. I don’t take it to heart, but it seems to have some direction. Anyways, the rooster is supposed to be a hard year for me, but I wonder what more can really happen, or how many more days I will classify as “strange” or “weird” or “odd”. Everything is that way now.
And it just seems to be going down.
And I really don’t know anything. I don’t know what to do, but it’s not like I’m feeling like “Oh no, what do I do!”, it’s just..... I don’t know what to do.
Just keep writing this stupid mess?
That seems pointless. But I’ll keep going until I get everything out... I’m almost done, I think.
There’s just so much...... that’s why sometimes I wonder if it would be easier if I didn’t think about things so much, or I was really slow, or if I didn’t care the way I do. Or am I just being naive and immature, and trying to fix things or live better or whatever. Am I subconsciously seeking pity? I don’t think so. I don’t want someone to say “awww...... there there”.........I don’t really even know why I’m writing all this. Maybe I’m just trying to throw it back at the world, or express something, or maybe I’m just trying to tire myself out. I don’t know.
And I know I'm just being negative, and that it's stupid to be like that. But I'm not really even mad or anything. I'm a bit numb, sort of. Just detached, and inside, I;m upset.
Aren't you glad I decided to share that with you?
And one thing that stands out is this great feeling of being separated. I can't get close to anyone, yet I sort of long to. I long to love the love I love. I long to have good friendships, and not to be so aloof and detached. But I just can't right now, and I'm being stubborn about it. Perhaps I really am impatient after all.....
I'm just,,,,,,,,,,
irrated, subtlely.
Mostly with myself
some with the world and the way things are.
And I even think about how bad i sucks for other people, people in africa and the likes, and that sort of gratitude like that. Humility. But still... maybe I just need some time or something, or a really good distraction..... but right now..... everything is empty.
I wonder if I am empty, too.
But I don't really feel that way..... just........ what's around me.
Dammit, I'm sneezing a lot!
And my rooms a mess!
And I'm not even upset, really, I'm sort of calm, just
subtlely irrateted, and frustrated, and dissapointed.
And I can already see the sympathetic responses, or maybe now since I write that, there won't be any. I'm not really looking for them in the first place, so it doens't matter. And ther is sort of this feeling that I've been there and done that, and I know what's going to happen anyways, not really with this post, but with my life right now. I just see and read into it so much that I know what's going on, and the game had no meaning, it's not fun.
"old game"
it's the name of a (poem?) something I wrote in the middle of 10th grade, about how I was done with highschool and ready to move on. I guess I feel that way still, as a senior now, and as a person with my life now.
I just want to move on.
But right now I can't. I can't really do anything, except this outrageouly long post. How odd. I wonder if I should just delete it all.
But, arrogantly so, I don't want all this time to go to waste!
Even though, surely, it is time wasted, time complaining. Meaningless time...... hmm,............
just another paradox..............
Yeah, I have damn chapped lips because I have to breath through my mouth! How uncomfotable! I bet sleeping will be a bitch tonight. I can't even read much, except for "THe Stranger" thats my outside reading thing. It's a lot like me, except obviously the guy is meant to sound like inhuman and messed up, but I'm real and sort of simple, just weak.
And the Zen comic "shouts of nothingness". Good stuff, but I can't seem to get into it properly. Something's wrong with me, and I can'e fully get into it.
I can't get into anything, except for this stupid post.
And I sort of understand that I'm doing things to distract myself from doing real work, but I can't seem to cross the boarder, and I can't have other people motivate me, because that just makes me avoid it more.
Everything just disgusts me.
Even myself, to some degree.
I don't know what to do.
I guess I'll go to sleep soon, though I don't feel like it.
I haven' done anything all day long anyways.
Nothing at all.
Stayed home today, I think I said that.
But that was made up before I found out how SOBitchen sick I was.
I'm surrounded with dissapointment and incompatence, and most of it belongs to me. Another damn sneeze.............
I should say I'm sincerely impressed if you read all of this, or even if anyone posts. I know this is a thread I would might overlook and disregard if I was someone else, and I sort of expect that from others, because that's only fair as to how I might have acted if it were someone elses post.
I'm also really arrogant, in that I think other people should live their lives with more structure and more discipline, but look at me. I can't do shit right now. My dad is living out of his office essentially, and my stepmother works all the time at a job she hates, and has no love life and deprives herself from everything. My dad is still trying to move on with his life from an issue that's been constant for 30 years. My moms life is over, since she cant' barely move. And I'm just surrounded. I can't bring outside people into the situation, and I don't want to detachmyself from those people, but I sort of do just want to go on an adventure and run away or save the world or something. NOble.
But I can't even save myself. Well, I'm fine, but I can't even do well in school is what I mean. I'm the strongerst person I can think of right now, but that's mostly because I don't have any friends, and I'm not close to much of my family at all. And like I said, I don't want to get people involvded when they shouldn't be in the first place.
THere is conflict between abandoning ship, and going down with the ship in regards to my family. I'll be there, but their problem is their own, not mine.
I just don't have anywhere to go, not for another 6 months, and really, maybe not even then.
I wish I could just get an apartmen in the town of my "love" and go down that road with her. But even that is sort of a deluded fantasy.
Who knows?
Nothing is solid, nothing is stable, nothing is consitant.
Except for my solitude and the doings (my own included) that make me this way.
But here i am, alone in my room, well, with my cat (he's a great kitty, really, no complaints for him!), and my rooms a mess. It's 12:18, and I have a final in 8 hours. I'm probably going to do real bad on it. But I'm here. I'm not even doing my best, though, and that's part of my dissapointment.
I can't even say "Well, at least I gave it my all".
I want to do better, to start over in the second semester. I want to prove that I can do as well as I want (really, I have a 90 average througout highschool, and I never try or study or anything), but It's just so dissapointing.
Oh yeah, I'm poor, but I have really nice clothes, because that's what my dad bought me, and I have quite the taste for things....
But it's sort of funny to see rich white kids dress in baggy sweaters and clothes, and then a poort kid who lives in a trailor come to school with guess and kline.
I'm just full of contradiciotns, and ii've expereinced a lot of stuff.
All this time I've tried to figure out who I am, and to definre myself.
Taurus or a rabbit, or whatever. I've tried to find my religion, a creed to follow, something to follow, but I have non.
"THat all the colors, they will
bleed into one,
bleed into one......
but yes I'm still running"
But I'm just still running. I don't really know where to, but I'm running for something.
All these times I've tried to figure out where my life is going or who I am, what's my purpose, I have learned a lot, but I have also not made much progress. I just feel that I'm stuck here, in this place, and in this chapter of my life right now. Stuck in a moment I can't get out of. I know it will pass, at least I hope it will, but it's one hell of a long moment. About 2 years now. And I've not childhood whatsoever.... so I'm just waiting to become whatever it is I'm supposed to become.
I'm waiting to do something. But what? I don't know.
I'm just waiting........
.....well, let;s try this "breath clearly" waterless vaporizer product..... I hope it helps my dry throught and cough and sneeze. I hate cigarrete smoke in the winter, because the air is dry enough already with the cold, but we have a fireplace, too, and it just dries everything out. Cigarette smoke is the worst, though. ANd mom always lights up whenver she's stressed, so I try to keep it cool, but whatever......
I hope this product does something.
But no medicine ever seems to work.
Even acne. I'm not too bad, and really, I'm rather good looking, sincerely.
But..... nothing works for the acne I do have. Proactive didn't do anything, but over time I'm wearing it dowm, a little, sort of. I went to a dermatoligist and she said I was one of those "special" cases where they were offering to try out this new treatment on me. Can you belive that?
But I said all of this to justify what I mean when I say medacine doesn't work on me. I don't really ever get sick, but I guess I have a fever and whatever now, but medicine never really seems to do anything for me. I already mentioned about how it never puts me to sleep.....
Well, I hope that product works.
This is such a lone post, longest I've ever written maybe. It's sort of pathetic, but oh well. I''ve a lot to say, and I guess it feels good (does it really?) to say all this.
At least I can take something from being honest, even if it does damage my appearane in your eyes. Oh well.
My life is a mess.
But I'm sure everyone else's is too.
Guess I just wanted to vent everything, maybe.
Oh well.
It's all a mystery, but at the same time,
it's all irrelevant and it just is.
I always know and understand I don't need anything to live, to make me happy, I can just "be", and maybe that's some sort of boarderline enlightenment, but I'm far from the real thing. I don't imagine there would be this much despari and disgust in the attainment of such a pure and pleasent thing.
BUt perhaps if I just let go of everything I write here, then maybe I'll gain something else. Who knows? At least I can say that I'm not really anything, I'm very detached, and I see a lot of emptyness. (I see a lot of spelling errors, too......) but so be it.
All the colors, they bleed into one
bleed into one......
but yes, I'm still running.....
I have a confession or two.
(note, this is just strait out venting. I don’t really expect any advice or consolation, but I wouldn‘t turn away from it either. This is just straight out venting, and that’s all)
Okay, school-........
I had a Latin etymology paper due today, and I was absent, so I get 0 (zero) credit for it. But I didn’t even do it anyways, I never found the time. I had a psych paper, 20% of the final grade, due last Friday, and I never really finished it. I have all the data and info, I just never put it on paper, and only turned in about 2/3 3/4 of it, so I’ll get a crap grade on that. Also in psych, we had a take home test which I didn’t even do over this weekend. The quarter is over now, so I don’t think I’ll get any credit for anything. I wonder if I will fail psych, which will really suck, since it’s a college course and we paid money for college credits. And it will hurt me, and my pride, because the lowest grade I ever got once was a C. And it will be a shame to my family, my mom, really, because she tries(d) so hard to give me an opportunity to do well and I fuck it up because I can’t deal with things or I’m just to lazy. In modernism, I was supposed to do an outside reading assignment. I’ve not yet finished the book, and I wonder if I will. I'll have some time this week- regents week, no school. But I’ll have to struggle, because I’ve not real motivation. Even in an extra credit writing assignment, (which I don’t really need, since i got a 97 in 1sr qtr,-- but maybe I'll need it now since the outside reading debacle), I still haven’t typed it up yet, though I’m in the process. I have an Economics (advance eco H) tomorrow, at 9, and I have not studied at all. I might do really bad on it. And I’m disgusted with that. Oh yeah, and in physics, I have a lab or two that I didn’t turn in. I will probably have the lowest GPA of my entire life this quarter, unless I have some sort of miracle. Oh yeah, and in math, I think I did really bad on that final, and that disgusts me even more, because it’s such a low, simple course, and I didn’t even put the time in for that. I didn’t even study for that. There isn’t one class that I enjoy right now. No, that’s not true. It’s just that there isn’t one class that I feel comfortable in, and am ahead of the game in. I’m behind, and I’m not doing what needs to be done, and everything sucks. School - academic wise - is now as unpleasing and dissatisfying as socially.
And I have my “friends”, and I’m good looking, and I talk to the girls, and all that. But I can’t get close to anyone in school, and anyone in my life. Generally speaking, I get along better with teachers. And the girls who do have crushes on me, (let’s use Julie as an example), I can’t get close to them, because if I bring them into my life, it will just worsen their load, and even considering that, I don’t think anyone would want to be involved with me right now anyways. I don’t have anything to offer.
I can’t get close to anyone, not my mother, not my father, not my stepmother, barely even my “best friend” who’s my neighbor at my dad’s, well, my stepmothers house now. I can’t even be close (physically, too) to the person I say I love. I almost wish I could run away an marry her sometimes..... just to get away and runaway and be a coward like that. Run from all my problems. But the situation is pretty bleak from my perspective- I don’t have much to lose, and I wonder if that will corrupt my values or make me do some desperate things. One thing though, I’ll never do before I die is drugs, so don’t worry about that. But who knows, I might steal some money or a car and run away.... I could never see myself doing that, but well, I’m not ruling much out anymore. And I’m not ruling much out anymore because anything and everything can happen to me, so I’m just returning the favor on life. “turnabout is fair play”, right?
Oh yeah, and I should mention right now that I’m on the phone with my dad right now, who is “in love”....... (bs) with a drug addict who is in the hospital right now. She just asked him to marry her, and he totally feels the opposite way, such as “I can’t really see myself marrying this person”. “She’s too immature”, “I can’t see her lying next to me in the grave”. So what the hell are you doing wasting you time? I said it quite well- he likes to be in a position where he doesn’t have to do anything.................. well, that’s another story.
This is about me!!!!
Right, so my dad got his car stolen last weekend, and he was robbed of a lot of his money, all his jewelry, and his identity could have been stolen, but hopefully that will be prevented. The car was found, but everything was gone. Oh, and the cops ripped him off, too. (his car was stolen because he was having a bad day, and did something that he normally doesn’t do (nothing too bad), but he made a mistake ....)
Oh, and there’s lots of bitterness after the divorce with my dad and step mom. They really are opposites (she, a fire horse, and he, a rat, should never ever have married. They really don’t think alike at all. I wonder how it lasted 11 years.... ). There are stupid squabbles every weekend now, and it’s trying on my part. Sometimes I just want to leave the room, or the house, you know? And It’s disgusting, and it’s not my problem, and they are both so immature about it. They fight like two children, two babies. It’s pathetic. And I want to help, to do something, but I can’t.
And my mom, who I live with on the weekdays, she’s basically become an invalid. She’s always in pain- fibromialgia (sp?), and there’s nothing I can do for her, either. Yet she still tries to spoil me and not have me work a job- partly because she’s ashamed that she can’t get me a car or anything. And I can’t really complain, because her life sucks, and she does everything for me, and any sign of unhappiness I show just hurts her, so I try not to show anything, but we are sort of distanced. I have the closest relationship with my dad, but I’m beginning to see the faults in his ways, too. I’m seeing his weaknesses. And my stepmother, well, she’s a good person, but she’s sort of slow, actually. She suppressed all sexuality and basically is a nun. Dad says she should be a Sunday school teacher, but everyone, especially herself, knows she doesn’t have any patience. No one has any patience. Except for me, but even mine is fading. I wonder how much longer I can wait....
I sent out 3 college applications, have zero recommendations, and missed the mailing date for one of the part 2 forms. I don’t even have the essay for that done, either. I wonder if I’ll be going to college next year....
I have no friends in school.
I spend my lunch period- my only free period of the day- in the computer lab, listening to U2 music or typing something, or just wasting time. But most recently, trying to keep up with things that I sort of know deep down I will never finish always. There is an overwhelming feeling that right now, my life is in shambles and I don’t know where to go or what to do, and I can’t really talk to anyone about it.
And part of my hates writing this, because I hate sounding weak or in need of pity, or anything like that. I want to be there for others, I want to be a hero, I want to be strong. And right now, I can’t do a damn thing. Everything is a mess, and it’s mostly my fault. I’m lazy and undisciplined, and that’s just the truth. I honestly say I have a positive self image, but I’m really in no mode for work of any sort. Almost neurotic.
I’m in a mix in regards to love between fantasy and reality. I love someone, and meant it when I said I did, but I wonder if I was a lie. And I wonder if I am doubting it now because I’m weak, and I wonder if I said it then because I was weak and desperate and was looking for someone, something to hold on to.
But no...... everything is........ jut empty.
I can’t enjoy the moon, or the snow, or winter at all. I can’t seem to enjoy nature much, and that really means something is wrong with me.
Last week I missed two days of school because I had a splitting pain in my left upper arm/shoulder/chest area. I believe it was stress related. I can’t be close to anyone, and the person I say I love is far away. And I can’t tell if she loves me, really. I’m insecure in that I need more than words to know. I’m a fault of my own weakness. I have no work ethic, and right now all I can do is write this stupid post about my problems. This disgusts me, this whole thing.
It’s disgusting, really.
It’s a mess. What do I really expect from this? What will this change, huh? Nothing.
Will I feel a little better, being able to open up like this and be honest? not really.
It doesn't change anything.
Let’s see..... I also have a fever in the low 90s, and a stupid-ass cough, and a dry throat, and I really don’t like it because it’s just annoying. Mom wants me to take some stupid aspirin, and I did, but i only took one tablet instead of two, because I don’t have any of those symptoms. Medicine never works, and I’m allergic to penicillin, and nothing ever puts me to sleep. I’m always, always the last person awake. And when people start snoring, it just makes it worse....
I really don’t like anything right now, and I don’t know what would make me happy. Even my little Zen comic book, which I was so happy to find, does nothing. It’s just tainted with memories of the past; pain. I can’t really enjoy anything right now, either. Food especially. Everything is just “ugh”. And I don’t want to talk to anyone about it.
But writing this is supposed to do something for me, and I’m just telling people who don’t really need to know anyways. I guess you can say at least I’ll take something from being honest, in this one light. Because I am. This is all true.
Perhaps writing out all my “troubles”, or at least that’s how I “feel” about them, maybe I can then let it go. Maybe I can just “let it go”, like BAD. But I can’t even listen to music. I have no desire- I haven’t listened to anything all day, not even PRIDE, and when I don’t want to hear that, you know something is up with me. And I almost wish I wasn’t so alert, that I didn’t know the answer to things, and that I didn’t understand why I feel this way. I know I started a lot of sentences with “And”, but that’s just an aside.
There’s just so much.......
and I really don’t know about anything right now.
I would say “it’s just a moment, and it’s time will pass”, but, things just seem to have been getting worse for about 2 years, especially for the last 2 months, and especially the last few weeks. It’s always darkest before dawn, and I know I’ll persevere, but, I just tire of waiting and all that.
2005 is going to be the year of the rooster, and that’s my arch enemy, so to say, my opposite, since I’m a rabbit (cat). I don’t really believe in the zodiac of any kind, but it sort of makes some sense. I don’t take it to heart, but it seems to have some direction. Anyways, the rooster is supposed to be a hard year for me, but I wonder what more can really happen, or how many more days I will classify as “strange” or “weird” or “odd”. Everything is that way now.
And it just seems to be going down.
And I really don’t know anything. I don’t know what to do, but it’s not like I’m feeling like “Oh no, what do I do!”, it’s just..... I don’t know what to do.
Just keep writing this stupid mess?
That seems pointless. But I’ll keep going until I get everything out... I’m almost done, I think.
There’s just so much...... that’s why sometimes I wonder if it would be easier if I didn’t think about things so much, or I was really slow, or if I didn’t care the way I do. Or am I just being naive and immature, and trying to fix things or live better or whatever. Am I subconsciously seeking pity? I don’t think so. I don’t want someone to say “awww...... there there”.........I don’t really even know why I’m writing all this. Maybe I’m just trying to throw it back at the world, or express something, or maybe I’m just trying to tire myself out. I don’t know.
And I know I'm just being negative, and that it's stupid to be like that. But I'm not really even mad or anything. I'm a bit numb, sort of. Just detached, and inside, I;m upset.
Aren't you glad I decided to share that with you?
And one thing that stands out is this great feeling of being separated. I can't get close to anyone, yet I sort of long to. I long to love the love I love. I long to have good friendships, and not to be so aloof and detached. But I just can't right now, and I'm being stubborn about it. Perhaps I really am impatient after all.....
I'm just,,,,,,,,,,
irrated, subtlely.
Mostly with myself
some with the world and the way things are.
And I even think about how bad i sucks for other people, people in africa and the likes, and that sort of gratitude like that. Humility. But still... maybe I just need some time or something, or a really good distraction..... but right now..... everything is empty.
I wonder if I am empty, too.
But I don't really feel that way..... just........ what's around me.
Dammit, I'm sneezing a lot!
And my rooms a mess!
And I'm not even upset, really, I'm sort of calm, just
subtlely irrateted, and frustrated, and dissapointed.
And I can already see the sympathetic responses, or maybe now since I write that, there won't be any. I'm not really looking for them in the first place, so it doens't matter. And ther is sort of this feeling that I've been there and done that, and I know what's going to happen anyways, not really with this post, but with my life right now. I just see and read into it so much that I know what's going on, and the game had no meaning, it's not fun.
"old game"
it's the name of a (poem?) something I wrote in the middle of 10th grade, about how I was done with highschool and ready to move on. I guess I feel that way still, as a senior now, and as a person with my life now.
I just want to move on.
But right now I can't. I can't really do anything, except this outrageouly long post. How odd. I wonder if I should just delete it all.
But, arrogantly so, I don't want all this time to go to waste!
Even though, surely, it is time wasted, time complaining. Meaningless time...... hmm,............
just another paradox..............
Yeah, I have damn chapped lips because I have to breath through my mouth! How uncomfotable! I bet sleeping will be a bitch tonight. I can't even read much, except for "THe Stranger" thats my outside reading thing. It's a lot like me, except obviously the guy is meant to sound like inhuman and messed up, but I'm real and sort of simple, just weak.
And the Zen comic "shouts of nothingness". Good stuff, but I can't seem to get into it properly. Something's wrong with me, and I can'e fully get into it.
I can't get into anything, except for this stupid post.
And I sort of understand that I'm doing things to distract myself from doing real work, but I can't seem to cross the boarder, and I can't have other people motivate me, because that just makes me avoid it more.
Everything just disgusts me.
Even myself, to some degree.
I don't know what to do.
I guess I'll go to sleep soon, though I don't feel like it.
I haven' done anything all day long anyways.
Nothing at all.
Stayed home today, I think I said that.
But that was made up before I found out how SOBitchen sick I was.
I'm surrounded with dissapointment and incompatence, and most of it belongs to me. Another damn sneeze.............
I should say I'm sincerely impressed if you read all of this, or even if anyone posts. I know this is a thread I would might overlook and disregard if I was someone else, and I sort of expect that from others, because that's only fair as to how I might have acted if it were someone elses post.
I'm also really arrogant, in that I think other people should live their lives with more structure and more discipline, but look at me. I can't do shit right now. My dad is living out of his office essentially, and my stepmother works all the time at a job she hates, and has no love life and deprives herself from everything. My dad is still trying to move on with his life from an issue that's been constant for 30 years. My moms life is over, since she cant' barely move. And I'm just surrounded. I can't bring outside people into the situation, and I don't want to detachmyself from those people, but I sort of do just want to go on an adventure and run away or save the world or something. NOble.
But I can't even save myself. Well, I'm fine, but I can't even do well in school is what I mean. I'm the strongerst person I can think of right now, but that's mostly because I don't have any friends, and I'm not close to much of my family at all. And like I said, I don't want to get people involvded when they shouldn't be in the first place.
THere is conflict between abandoning ship, and going down with the ship in regards to my family. I'll be there, but their problem is their own, not mine.
I just don't have anywhere to go, not for another 6 months, and really, maybe not even then.
I wish I could just get an apartmen in the town of my "love" and go down that road with her. But even that is sort of a deluded fantasy.
Who knows?
Nothing is solid, nothing is stable, nothing is consitant.
Except for my solitude and the doings (my own included) that make me this way.
But here i am, alone in my room, well, with my cat (he's a great kitty, really, no complaints for him!), and my rooms a mess. It's 12:18, and I have a final in 8 hours. I'm probably going to do real bad on it. But I'm here. I'm not even doing my best, though, and that's part of my dissapointment.
I can't even say "Well, at least I gave it my all".
I want to do better, to start over in the second semester. I want to prove that I can do as well as I want (really, I have a 90 average througout highschool, and I never try or study or anything), but It's just so dissapointing.
Oh yeah, I'm poor, but I have really nice clothes, because that's what my dad bought me, and I have quite the taste for things....
But it's sort of funny to see rich white kids dress in baggy sweaters and clothes, and then a poort kid who lives in a trailor come to school with guess and kline.
I'm just full of contradiciotns, and ii've expereinced a lot of stuff.
All this time I've tried to figure out who I am, and to definre myself.
Taurus or a rabbit, or whatever. I've tried to find my religion, a creed to follow, something to follow, but I have non.
"THat all the colors, they will
bleed into one,
bleed into one......
but yes I'm still running"
But I'm just still running. I don't really know where to, but I'm running for something.
All these times I've tried to figure out where my life is going or who I am, what's my purpose, I have learned a lot, but I have also not made much progress. I just feel that I'm stuck here, in this place, and in this chapter of my life right now. Stuck in a moment I can't get out of. I know it will pass, at least I hope it will, but it's one hell of a long moment. About 2 years now. And I've not childhood whatsoever.... so I'm just waiting to become whatever it is I'm supposed to become.
I'm waiting to do something. But what? I don't know.
I'm just waiting........
.....well, let;s try this "breath clearly" waterless vaporizer product..... I hope it helps my dry throught and cough and sneeze. I hate cigarrete smoke in the winter, because the air is dry enough already with the cold, but we have a fireplace, too, and it just dries everything out. Cigarette smoke is the worst, though. ANd mom always lights up whenver she's stressed, so I try to keep it cool, but whatever......
I hope this product does something.
But no medicine ever seems to work.
Even acne. I'm not too bad, and really, I'm rather good looking, sincerely.
But..... nothing works for the acne I do have. Proactive didn't do anything, but over time I'm wearing it dowm, a little, sort of. I went to a dermatoligist and she said I was one of those "special" cases where they were offering to try out this new treatment on me. Can you belive that?
But I said all of this to justify what I mean when I say medacine doesn't work on me. I don't really ever get sick, but I guess I have a fever and whatever now, but medicine never really seems to do anything for me. I already mentioned about how it never puts me to sleep.....
Well, I hope that product works.
This is such a lone post, longest I've ever written maybe. It's sort of pathetic, but oh well. I''ve a lot to say, and I guess it feels good (does it really?) to say all this.
At least I can take something from being honest, even if it does damage my appearane in your eyes. Oh well.
My life is a mess.
But I'm sure everyone else's is too.
Guess I just wanted to vent everything, maybe.
Oh well.
It's all a mystery, but at the same time,
it's all irrelevant and it just is.
I always know and understand I don't need anything to live, to make me happy, I can just "be", and maybe that's some sort of boarderline enlightenment, but I'm far from the real thing. I don't imagine there would be this much despari and disgust in the attainment of such a pure and pleasent thing.
BUt perhaps if I just let go of everything I write here, then maybe I'll gain something else. Who knows? At least I can say that I'm not really anything, I'm very detached, and I see a lot of emptyness. (I see a lot of spelling errors, too......) but so be it.
All the colors, they bleed into one
bleed into one......
but yes, I'm still running.....
