How do I stop this self-destructive stupid behaviour?

[katiefilete]

I think I have got a mental health problem. I know it will sound like I am making excuses for behaving like a moron, but please bear with me as I desperately need to sort myself out.

First - I blame nobody else for my behaviour but myself. I am stuck in some stupid self-destructive habit that I must break. I have been here for half my life now.

When I was 14 something hideous happened to me. This was a small town and the entire school was talking about this incident (which I never told anyone about but my 'best friend', who rang up the local radio station problem line and broadcast my nightmare to everyone.) For 2 years they made my life hell with nonstop bullying in and out of class, over something that was not my fault and never spoke to them about. I was on the verge of suicide... I started skipping school, despite having always been a straigh-A student, because I could not face the constant torment.

Since then I have had a problem with absence and motivation.

I wanted to go to university from the age of 12 but when I got there I didn't attend many lessons. Got a good degree but caused myself a lot of problems by this stupid absence. This was partly due to chronic insomnia but also due to me being a prat and not turning up.

The same thing is going on now. I initially did very well in my career after uni, but now it is always the same. I have lost several good jobs because I can't get my act together enough to get to work and get on with it.

How do I break out of this stupid, pointless, destructive cycle?? I know it sounds ridiculous, but I am desperate. Please help?

 

[UberBeaver]

Have you been to a psychologist? Might be a good place to start.

 

[katiefilete]

(Warning: this may trigger memories for some people. If you have had a bad childhood this might hurt you so please don't read it.)

Basically... some sick moron tried to rape me... didn't succeed, thank God, but it brought out horrible memories of my father abusing me when I was a kid. I didn't tell my best friend (or anyone) about that, I just told her I'd been attacked and was finding it very hard to cope. She broadcast this to literally everyone!

The whole school went into overdrive with rumours and lies about what I had supposedly said. Everyday I'd get people telling me I was a despicable liar (even though i didn't say a word about it to anyone else but my ''best friend"). Some of the daily comments were "who would want to rape you anyway?" and "Did he p!ss up you when he raped you?"

That last bit may sound funny but believe me, when you are trying to deal with memories of it that you never knew were there, it destroys you.

 

[katiefilete]

Have you been to a psychologist? Might be a good place to start.

Hi UberBeaver, thanks for the comment... I have asked my doctor to refer me but there is a waiting list 10 miles long and I may have to wait up to 2 years (I'm in the UK and this is the appalling state of our National Health Service).

 

[sallycinnamon78]

I'm so sorry to hear this.

First of all it doesn't sound ridiculous. . I have been in a very similar situation and I feel for you. I can see you are beating yourself up over this badly.

Someone you trusted betrayed that trust causing you great physical and psychological harm.

I know that the trite answer is to go see a therapist, and I do suggest it, but I think getting motivated to go to a professional is going to be hard for you. It sounds like you have had some heavy trauma in your life and it is chewing you apart. Your mind can keep you in a cycle of always thinking about the past and keep you from moving on. This can bring some serious depression and sometimes medication and therapy is the only way to get beyond the cycle.

Its good that you recognize that you are in an unmotivated and self-destructive spot and I'm guessing you have problems with paying attention and following through with things. You really need to find outside help because when you get to this point, your brain is actually different, and you need something to help you break through the emotional pain.

It seems to me if you don't see someone you will continue sabotaging everything you try to do. I do the same thing, because I was beaten, abused and molested as a child.

It's no fun trying to find your own way out of this maze you're in. I hope you find the help you need. I know there is little I can do personally, but I'm always here to listen if you need to talk.

Please get yourself some help.

 

[Got Philk?]

First, nothing you've written so far is ridiculous. I am so so sorry that you have had to go through all of this.

But any time I come across stories like this, I am absolutely astounded at how strong women like you are!

Perhaps just posting this is the start of something really really good. As everyone has said, counselling is availible of course. For the longest time, I was struggling with some post traumatic stress type issues. It took me 2 years, but I finally went and it just felt good to tell someone what I was feeling.

Do what you need to do to get help. But do know just how strong I think you are so far. You too Sallycinnamon.

 

[Screwtape2]

First, nothing you've written so far is ridiculous. I am so so sorry that you have had to go through all of this.

But any time I come across stories like this, I am absolutely astounded at how strong women like you are!

Perhaps just posting this is the start of something really really good. As everyone has said, counselling is availible of course. For the longest time, I was struggling with some post traumatic stress type issues. It took me 2 years, but I finally went and it just felt good to tell someone what I was feeling.

Do what you need to do to get help. But do know just how strong I think you are so far. You too Sallycinnamon.

I agree with everything you've said Phil especially about the strength of women.

My advice to katiefilete is that you've made it this far on your own but it's probably time to let someone help you the rest of the way. Like Phil said, you're very strong and you should realize that. There is no shame in asking for help in fact asking for help can be the most courageous thing a person can do. More than anything believe in yourself. I hope things get better.

 

[Angela Harlem]

I don't understand enough of the UK's health system, but I am guessing you do have other avenues for help. Your doctor's referral is one way, but there are others. There is private counselling, which is usually too expensive to consider (but hopefully you can look at this?), there are also numerous and somewhat cheap or free groups and sessions for victims of violent crime. I know the spiel is to promote 'survivor' instead of promoting the victim aspect, but it appears as though you are still struggling with the victim aspect. You are one now, and you were once the victim of a violent/attempted violent crime. There's nothing wrong with learning to say "I was a victim, I have nothing to be ashamed of, and now I am going to be a survivor." Like the others have said, your strength in getting yourself this far is remarkable. You desperately need to talk to someone, anyone, and share and open up. Groups are great for this because they will take as long as you need and will be supportive and understanding. I do think you need to see a psychologist, but if the waiting lists as you described are all you have for now, then you need to get on those lists and explore other avenues to get you started. And you need to do it today. If you don't know where to even start, that's ok. This is the internet. Start with your large charity orgs. The Salvos, Wesley Mission, any large church based group, your local health and community centres (do you have these in the UK?), search for victim support group in private, non-profit, and government listings. Barnardos might even be able to help. Just ask anyone who answers your calls for information on victim support.

Good luck, katiefilete.

 

[Muldfeld]

Dear Katiefilette,

I think it would definitely be a great idea to see a psychologist, as these issues are serious and you need help getting through them. (I personally find psychiatrists condescending and not as emotionally deep) So much of what's happening to you is probably unconscious; you think you're doing it for one reason when there might be another. A good psychologist will help you try and understand your thought patterns. No one can or should get through this alone. You've had something terrible happen to you and you shouldn't blame yourself. You seem very hard on yourself for not being able to be motivated and you can't solve this on your own or just with friends. You're amazingly courageous to talk about these things. Take care.

 

[mandy1973]

I wholeheartedly agree with all of the above comments.

katiefilete, you've started the ball to recovery rolling just by recognising your issues, and what has caused them. That's a terrific start.

Like everyone else has said, the best step from here is to get some professional help. I agree with angelaharlem, there are plenty of non-profit organisations out there who can help you - I really hope you take that step to reach out and get the help you need and deserve to get on with your life, and to make it happy and successful.

All the best to you!!

 

[sallycinnamon78]

First, nothing you've written so far is ridiculous. I am so so sorry that you have had to go through all of this.

But any time I come across stories like this, I am absolutely astounded at how strong women like you are!

That's why I get so damn angry when morons try and suggest that women are emotionally weaker in some way. Angry is an understatement actually. Unfortunately there seems to be an abundance of morons around (not in this thread, of course! Just in general)