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Old 10-17-2006, 08:18 PM   #1
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Honesty, Denial, Anxiety…

Ignore the pettiness if you can:

If I was to be honest with myself, and I’m rarely honest with others, I would have to admit to living my life through a multitude of foetal facades (even within trivial or synthetic circumstances, such as an internet forum), each tailor made for a painfully specific social situation. Unfortunately, each time I don one of these guises, it is in accordance to a conscious decision, and as such, there are possibly less than two living, breathing human beings upon this planet who can claim to really know me.

So far, so angst ridden, however, I do believe that I can divulge the reasons and reasoning behind my idiosyncratic personal dishonesty. You see, as a child, I was horrendously precocious, constantly and consistently impressing both my teachers and their colleagues, with my considerably above average reading and writing capabilities, abstract thought and inquisitive nature. Typically however, this didn’t endear me to my fellow pupils, with frequent bouts of sexuality questioning insults and physical harassment subsequently ensuing, much to my general annoyance of course. Inevitably, this provided me with sufficient motivation to radically distort my general demeanour once I had started grammar school, in order to avoid further bullying and isolation.

Unsurprisingly, that little plan eventually backfired, resulting in my expulsion from the aforementioned school within four years of my initial enrolment. For I had gone too far whilst suffering further anxiety, striking out against authority figures with little or no aggravation, simultaneously subjecting myself to the more archaic forms of self harm and public displays of idiocy, becoming the class clown who had no desire to laugh, for he had done himself a great injustice. Needless to say, I left school with no qualifications, a boy who was supposed to achieve so much, departing having achieved nothing at all.

So five years later, I still have little to be proud of; no academic achievements substantiated by governmental departments, no hope of attending university, no will to continue formal education, and no desire to exhibit the positive attributes of my character for the fear of engaging honestly with other human beings.

In other words, I’ve found myself lost in an intellectual and personal wasteland, questioning the validity of my own existence ad nauseam, methodically denying my true self, to merely appease the ignorance of others.

Stereotypical masculinity:

Funnily enough, I already regret posting this, as it’s a narcissistic, self infatuated piece of self loathing shite. I just felt it would be appropriate to open up at least once in my life, even if I am assisted by the relative anonymity provided by an internet forum.

Deletion could be apt…

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Old 10-17-2006, 09:42 PM   #2
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Why not return to school? Or strike out on your own and become a writer. You got talent in that department, and if people feel the need to treat you like shit cause you come off as smarter than them, fuck em. You're no longer a kid that has to deal with school yard bullies, you can now use your brain to outsmart them and beat them. Use what God gave you.

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Old 10-18-2006, 07:01 AM   #3
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Cheers mate, I just need to take my life by the proverbial balls and get a move on. The problem is however, that I have an astute lack of both self esteem and confidence, although, rather conveniently, I haven’t truthfully engaged in life to a full enough extent to garner any further confidence from positive social experiences.

“Nothing ventured, nothing gained.”

Nevertheless, I will find the requisite motivation by whatever means necessary.

Thank you...
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Old 10-18-2006, 07:43 AM   #4
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It's sounds like we are one in the same. Misunderstood because of our sheer genius abilities. Our time will come. I'm slowly taking over the Scanton, PA region as we speak. Perhaps if we join forces we can rule the world together and have an army of unintelligent minions.
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Old 10-18-2006, 08:24 AM   #5
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How about going to the college of knowledge / tech / BIFHE in town and see what if they have any courses or GCSE / A-level courses you might be interested in?

Travelling can also work wonders for a person, it did for me anyway.
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Old 10-18-2006, 08:32 AM   #6
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don't post much anymore but your post attracted my attention. It is my life-long ambition to be a freelance writer and, like your fine self I have always had an astute natural ability with words. I can't say I've had the same problems as you in the way that my schooling was fairly uneventful in that sense, but I've always had this feeling that no one really knows me becuase I understand things about them they don't understand about themselves and can therefore act as they want me to. I also get the feeling that no one knows me becuase I can see through every single person. When I find someone who can surprise me then I guess I've found something worth keeping.

Returning to the point (appologies for the rant), you have something that isn't appreciated becuase it's not understood. To make it understood you need to write. And when you find someone that does understand, your life will change in a big way. It's so hard when your on your own but NEVER doubt your own self. You are lucky to have what you do, and no matter how hard it is to remember when you have no one to understand, you gotta keep going.

I don't know you, or your situation, but please, please do something with your talent. Never doubt yourself. I know. I've been there, the self-harm, the hate, the constant thoughts of regret, but that should give you reason to trust me. You can get out of the cycle.

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Old 10-18-2006, 10:39 AM   #7
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I think you're repressed childhood memories of you're intellect being ridiculed in a VERY TYPICAL jouvenile manner has really stuck with you over the years. You learnt to supress your true intellectual, articulate self at the expense of supposedly less ridicule from your peers, and this supression has carried out throughout the years.
Now that you're older, you should realise NOBODY thinks like that anymore, nobody sees intelligence and eloquence as vice, but rather as a virtue. People have matured and are much less susceptible to become such bigots. I was in a very similar situation to you, I can relate.
You have no reason to doubt yourself. Just remember, you have the power and the talent, you must learnt to find the will. I believe this will only come about through a long laborious rebuilding of self esteem, you should start talking to people more and drawing confidence through being yourself. Never sacrifice your integrity, because now that your older you will not be ridiculed. Good luck mate
"Don't let the bastards grind you down" I believe is an appropriate sentiment
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Old 10-18-2006, 10:57 AM   #8
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Many thanks to you all, although Mr Schrute I cannot say that I have any desire to become a totalitarian dictator.

At the end of the day, I am the only person who possesses the means with which to escape my constant melancholy, I know I can do it, and believe me I intend to.

Originally posted by Lara Mullen
How about going to the college of knowledge / tech / BIFHE in town and see what if they have any courses or GCSE / A-level courses you might be interested in?

I’ve already enrolled in a few GCSE night classes in addition to attending a daytime film/ general media course. Hopefully, the rebuilding/ rejuvenation will start here.

Cheers once again.
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Old 10-18-2006, 07:47 PM   #9
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You my friend may suffer from SAD ( Social Anxiety Disorder ), this form of social phobia/ anxiety is widely believed to have been triggered by a very bad experience in early life.

I myself suffer with this but im managing to overcome it.

This form of anxiety often pops up in this forum and is always greeted with honesty and great advice. My advice to you is to see a councillor and go to meetings or if you are lazy like me discuss you feelings online.

http://www.social-anxiety-community.org/db/index.php ( is a message board with many other people who suffer from this condition)

http://www.socialanxiety.com.au/sad-facts.htm ( some information on SAD)

I hope this information helps.

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