Ignore the pettiness if you can:
If I was to be honest with myself, and I’m rarely honest with others, I would have to admit to living my life through a multitude of foetal facades (even within trivial or synthetic circumstances, such as an internet forum), each tailor made for a painfully specific social situation. Unfortunately, each time I don one of these guises, it is in accordance to a conscious decision, and as such, there are possibly less than two living, breathing human beings upon this planet who can claim to really know me.
So far, so angst ridden, however, I do believe that I can divulge the reasons and reasoning behind my idiosyncratic personal dishonesty. You see, as a child, I was horrendously precocious, constantly and consistently impressing both my teachers and their colleagues, with my considerably above average reading and writing capabilities, abstract thought and inquisitive nature. Typically however, this didn’t endear me to my fellow pupils, with frequent bouts of sexuality questioning insults and physical harassment subsequently ensuing, much to my general annoyance of course. Inevitably, this provided me with sufficient motivation to radically distort my general demeanour once I had started grammar school, in order to avoid further bullying and isolation.
Unsurprisingly, that little plan eventually backfired, resulting in my expulsion from the aforementioned school within four years of my initial enrolment. For I had gone too far whilst suffering further anxiety, striking out against authority figures with little or no aggravation, simultaneously subjecting myself to the more archaic forms of self harm and public displays of idiocy, becoming the class clown who had no desire to laugh, for he had done himself a great injustice. Needless to say, I left school with no qualifications, a boy who was supposed to achieve so much, departing having achieved nothing at all.
So five years later, I still have little to be proud of; no academic achievements substantiated by governmental departments, no hope of attending university, no will to continue formal education, and no desire to exhibit the positive attributes of my character for the fear of engaging honestly with other human beings.
In other words, I’ve found myself lost in an intellectual and personal wasteland, questioning the validity of my own existence ad nauseam, methodically denying my true self, to merely appease the ignorance of others.
Stereotypical masculinity:
Funnily enough, I already regret posting this, as it’s a narcissistic, self infatuated piece of self loathing shite. I just felt it would be appropriate to open up at least once in my life, even if I am assisted by the relative anonymity provided by an internet forum.
Deletion could be apt…
If I was to be honest with myself, and I’m rarely honest with others, I would have to admit to living my life through a multitude of foetal facades (even within trivial or synthetic circumstances, such as an internet forum), each tailor made for a painfully specific social situation. Unfortunately, each time I don one of these guises, it is in accordance to a conscious decision, and as such, there are possibly less than two living, breathing human beings upon this planet who can claim to really know me.
So far, so angst ridden, however, I do believe that I can divulge the reasons and reasoning behind my idiosyncratic personal dishonesty. You see, as a child, I was horrendously precocious, constantly and consistently impressing both my teachers and their colleagues, with my considerably above average reading and writing capabilities, abstract thought and inquisitive nature. Typically however, this didn’t endear me to my fellow pupils, with frequent bouts of sexuality questioning insults and physical harassment subsequently ensuing, much to my general annoyance of course. Inevitably, this provided me with sufficient motivation to radically distort my general demeanour once I had started grammar school, in order to avoid further bullying and isolation.
Unsurprisingly, that little plan eventually backfired, resulting in my expulsion from the aforementioned school within four years of my initial enrolment. For I had gone too far whilst suffering further anxiety, striking out against authority figures with little or no aggravation, simultaneously subjecting myself to the more archaic forms of self harm and public displays of idiocy, becoming the class clown who had no desire to laugh, for he had done himself a great injustice. Needless to say, I left school with no qualifications, a boy who was supposed to achieve so much, departing having achieved nothing at all.
So five years later, I still have little to be proud of; no academic achievements substantiated by governmental departments, no hope of attending university, no will to continue formal education, and no desire to exhibit the positive attributes of my character for the fear of engaging honestly with other human beings.
In other words, I’ve found myself lost in an intellectual and personal wasteland, questioning the validity of my own existence ad nauseam, methodically denying my true self, to merely appease the ignorance of others.
Stereotypical masculinity:
Funnily enough, I already regret posting this, as it’s a narcissistic, self infatuated piece of self loathing shite. I just felt it would be appropriate to open up at least once in my life, even if I am assisted by the relative anonymity provided by an internet forum.
Deletion could be apt…
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