Help me with my irritating friend!

[pgv]

(I'm posting this here because its apparently easier to seek impartial advice from those you don't know too well! And this is the first time I've ever posted anything like this before, so please be nice with me!)

How do I tell my friend that she is using her mums cancer as an excuse for everything? She went through a real bad time about five years ago, and I appreciate this. Her mum has been in the all clear for about 4 years now, yet my friend still uses her illness as an excuse for stuff. Like earlier this month we both got into a bit of trouble at school for talking in class. I had to put up with my detention, but she told the teacher that shes 'under a lot of stress, and not really getting over' her mums cancer. I know that this isnt an issue for her anymore, and I'm annoyed that used her mums cancer to get out of a detention.

Shes done this on plenty of occasions at school. But more recently she has started using it to get out of sharing lifts to places..we were going to the cinema, and it was arranged that my parents would take us there and hers would bring home. But at last minute she told me that she couldnt bring back because her mum wasnt feeling too well and that her dad was busy. I felt bad so offered to do both the lifts. Since then she has used this constantly..and I would believe it if I hadnt been round to her house and seen her mum in perfectly good health.

And then yesterday she rings me to tell me that a joint project we are both supposed to be working on will have to be finished by me because shes too tired to help me with it. I asked her why she was too tired and under too much stress. So i have to finish the whole assignment by wednesday on my own, and I'm so annoyed at her! Its not as though I have it easy at home, and she knows this and tries to compete with me in a 'my life is worse than yours' sort of way. Plus she knows I struggle in maths so this work is going to be real hard for me.

Is there any tactful way I can approach the subject with her, or is it best that I just put up with it?!

 

[Carek1230]

She sounds like a martyr. She envelopes herself in the drama and emotion even if things with her mother has gotten better. OR she is really in denial. I'd confront her and you can and will have to do it in a delicate way because it doesn't sound like your friend will take lightly to being told she is using her mother's illness and diagnosis to her benefit. Point out that you feel this is what she is doing, this way it is not so pointedly accusatory. Karma---what goes around, comes around. If she continues to lie really....it's going to come back around and the deceit is going to bite her in the ass and she will lose respct and friends.

 

[BonosSaint]

The term is emotional blackmail. You don't need to confront her if you don't want to, just don't keep doing whatever it is she wants you to do. Maybe it's too late now, but for example, tell her to get her ass over there, it's a joint project and a joint grade and you're not about to do all the work. She pulls it again, kindly inform her you need a project partner who pulls her share of the work next time and get another partner. As long as you let her get away with it, she will. You stop letting her control you and you'll see how strong the friendship is.

I'm assuming you're getting something out of this friendship. Are you afraid of losing this friendship?

 

[BluRmGrl]

Martyr, emotional blackmailer, pity whore... it's all the same. Sounds as though your friend has discovered the time-honored tradition of turning someone else's tragedy or near-tragedy (in this case, her mother's) into her own fountain of guilt. She wants attention - and an excuse for her self-indulgent behavior.

And while it's normal for folks to worry about the mortality of a parent, from what you've said this girl's mother has been in remission for four years now. Continuing to use that as her reasoning for being an ass is just a cop out & I promise the minute you stop accepting the excuses, she'll suddenly decide you're not a real friend & ostracize you. Which will be in your best interest because she will just suck you dry emotionally in the end.... Sadly, I speak from experience.

Best of luck to you dear.

 

[pgv]

Thanks for all the advice! I want to say something to her as its really getting me down, its just how do i approach the subject without looking like a monster? And I'm pretty sure all my other friends would turn on me as they dont realise how bad she is with it. 'Emma, thats so mean, her mum had cancer!' sort of thing.

I want to stay friends with her because we've been friends for such a long time now, and besides from all this crap I do like her. But she does seem to get alot more from the friendship than I do so maybe I should just cut all ties?

 

[BonosSaint]

OK, you want to stay friends. Then you need to tell her that you want to support her. But it can't be a one-way street and you need her support to. If she is at all open to that, be ready with specifics on what you want. If you're vague about what you want, she slips through.

Switch the emphasis from what she's done to what you want, but if she challenges you to name what she has done, be prepared wtih the particulars.

If your friends ask, just tell them you want to save the friendship, but you can't do it if it's not on a more equal footing.

Is she pulling the same stuff on them? Or are you the designated servant?

(PS, I didn't mean to suggest emotional blackmail was the only term. It's just that this isn't about her, it's about what she is doing to you)

 

[pgv]

OK, you want to stay friends. Then you need to tell her that you want to support her. But it can't be a one-way street and you need her support to. If she is at all open to that, be ready with specifics on what you want. If you're vague about what you want, she slips through.

Switch the emphasis from what she's done to what you want, but if she challenges you to name what she has done, be prepared wtih the particulars.

If your friends ask, just tell them you want to save the friendship, but you can't do it if it's not on a more equal footing.

Is she pulling the same stuff on them? Or are you the designated servant?

(PS, I didn't mean to suggest emotional blackmail was the only term. It's just that this isn't about her, it's about what she is doing to you)

Dude thanks for the advice! I spoke to some of my other friends today..approached it carefully. It seems they all have the same problem with her, just have felt too mean to say anything. So I (acting as sort of spokesperson for us all) mentioned how i had struggled working on my own.. she said how guilty she felt but couldnt get out of it. I gently asked her if her mum was still bad, or was she just saying that? That was better than I thought she would be, all 'erm..well it comes in handy alot, im really sorry'
I'm glad i could sort this out without losing her as a friend!

 

[BonosSaint]

Good. I'm glad it's working out.