HELP! I think my friend is schizophrenic!

[maycocksean]

I think a buddy of mind is mentally ill. I've dealt with schizophrenia before. . .my brother is schizophrenic. . .but this is different somehow. My brother had been acting strangely for a long while and we just thought he was extraordinarily shy or just mad at the world. . .we just kind of thought that's just how he was. It wasn't until his first serious break with reality that we realized he was sick, and when that happened I was living on the other side of the world. By the time I next saw him he'd already been hospitalized a few times and was on medication so we never had to have the "I think you're not well" conversation. After a couple of really trying years of him not taking his meds consistently and getting into all kinds of trouble he finally got into a good program and is doing really well now.

But my friend is a whole nother story. I'm catching this at the outset. He'd said a few "strange" things this past summer but otherwise seemed normal. This past Saturday he stopped by my house and seemed definitely down about something. He revealed that he'd quit his job teaching at the local public middle school because he'd heard that students who don't like you who have connections on the island (we live on a small island in the Pacific) will make sure your reputation is ruined and you can never "work in this town again." Apparently he had some students who didn't like him and he wanted to quit before they started stirring stuff up to ruin him. I thought that was quite awful and I'd never heard of that happening before. But the school he teaches at is known to be quite rough and our local politicians are highly corrupt so I didn't think it was "crazy talk" at the time. He also mentioned his wife was really upset about him quitting his job.

Well, Wednesday, I talked to him and he told me he was going to the Philippines. He wasn't being very forthcoming about why but eventually he revealed that his wife had taken their daughter and left him. He went on to say this was "top secret" but he believed she was with a cult. He added that "they" were probably monitoring him right now and if I should see "them" I was not to tell them anything or let "them" know that I had talked to him. He never bothered to specify exactly who "them" was, which I found as disturbing as anything else he said. By this time alarms were going off. So he went to the Philippines on Weds. to presumably look for his wife (I now have reason to believe she's probably still here on our island).

Well, here's the thing, he's coming back tonight and I have no idea what to say to him. Do I just keep going along with this or do I tell him: "I think you may be imagining things?" I just don't know what to do! Anyone have any thoughts?

 

[ylimeU2]

If he is schizophrenic, there are different classifications of the disorder, so that would explain the differences.

It is a tough call what you should do personally. Do you know how to contact someone in his family? If so, I would bring them your concerns. They would be in more of a position to get him help. Talking to him probably wouldn't do any good, if he is suffering from schizophrenia, it would make him paranoid towards you.

The only other thing I can think of is to contact a local mental health organization and see what they say.

 

[redkat]

Talk to his wife to get a more clear picture of what's going on.

Don't tell him he's imagining things
I don't know what's available to you there but if there is a place he can go to talk to someone/counselor, I'd encourage that even if you use his marital/job problems as a reason for your concern.

 

[maycocksean]

Do you know how to contact someone in his family?

No, but that is something I'm working on. So far I haven't been able to find anyone who knows even the names of family and where they live, much less how to get in touch with anyone.

I like you're idea about talking to local mental health professionals though. I will definitely do that.

 

[maycocksean]

Talk to his wife to get a more clear picture of what's going on.

Don't tell him he's imagining things
I don't know what's available to you there but if there is a place he can go to talk to someone/counselor, I'd encourage that even if you use his marital/job problems as a reason for your concern.

I don't know if his wife will talk to me about him. A friend of mine who is a pastor and who knows where she is and seems to be in regular contact with her says that he mentioned to her that I was very concerned about her husband and was trying to find away to reach his family or someone else that could help him and he said she was not amenable to helping. She essentially felt that she needed to focus on herself and her daughter and couldn't do anything to help her husband right now (apparently not even something as small as giving us a name and phone number). So I'm not sure whether she would talk to me or not, but I can try.

Thanks, both of you for your replies. He should be arriving back in Saipan just about now, so we'll see what happens next. I'm wondering if he'll even make it back!

 

[VintagePunk]

I agree with the others, that you're best to discuss this with a mental health professional in your area for advice. Given that his wife wants no further involvement (she could have good reason, she may be fearful), your hands are kind of tied as far as getting a clear picture of what is going on.

I would not confront him with the fact that he's delusional, that's best left for a professional who can deal with the potential fallout from that particular conversation. It wouldn't hurt to ask a general "are you okay" type of question, though.

As well, the others are correct, there are various subtypes and symptom-sets of schizophrenia, and that could very well be the problem. Paranoid delusions can occur with other disorders, as well (for example, certain subtypes of depression).

Good luck, and let us know how things are going.

 

[anitram]

He sounds like a paranoid schizophrenic. My mom's cousin is one. They can be extremely volatile and what you're describing very much sounds like her. She has attempted suicide 4 times now (twice by jumping off a roof!), and has had extremely violent tendencies, although that came later on in life.

It's really important to get a proper diagnosis because they can be a threat to their own safety as well as that of people around them. I am not sure what the best approach would be, only because with my aunt, she was extremely hostile to medical professionals and tended to bolt (was extradited once from Spain and once from Morocco...).

Best of luck to you.

 

[yolland]

I agree with ylime and VintagePunk--your best bet is probably talking to a mental health professional and seeing what they advise. I don't know much about schizophrenia, but can vouch from close secondhand experience for what VP said...I have an in-law with a longstanding delusional disorder focused on her husband's supposed infidelities, and while most of her "theories" sound like merely a stepped-up version of garden-variety-suspicious-wife stuff (and she comes across 99% of the time as a brilliant, throroughly competent woman; in fact, she's a psychologist herself), once or twice a decade she'll go through a phase where they cross into seriously bizarre territory--convinced he and his "lover" have installed some kind of secret high-tech system in their house in an attempt to drive her crazy with periodic low-frequency noises, convinced he's consorting with pimps and drug dealers (not plausible), etc. And at those times attempts to "confront" her about it generally don't work out too well. There are various things that could potentially be wrong with your friend, quite possibly he really is schizophrenic or perhaps this episode is a complication of some other problem he needs help for.

Good luck...I know that's a scary situation to be worried about someone like that and not have anyone better-placed to turn the problem over to.

 

[U2democrat]

A girl I live with is often talking to people who aren't there...I don't know if the issue has been addressed by her family or not. I know she has several disorders, so who knows

My dad's cousin is bipolar schizophrenic...boy has she had quite a history.

I don't really have any advice to offer, I'm not good at dealing with these kinds of situations, so I'll be paying attention to this thread as well.

 

[maycocksean]

Well, how's this for anti-climatic:

My friend returned from the Philippines yesterday afternoon; called me to pick him up. And. . .

he seemed fine. No more crazy talk. No more talk about his wife and child period, actually. I asked him if he'd found her. He said no (apparently he hadn't gone to the Philippines looking for them; he went for to "get away from Saipan" for a bit and just relax). I mentioned that a mutual friend from church had heard from his wife and asked him to relay the message to my friend that she was safe. He acknowledged that but didn't seem really interested in talking about her or her abrupt departure from their marriage.

He seemed basically relaxed, and friendly. He came by the house for awhile after I picked him up at the airport and it was just regular shoot-the-breeze type talk. He told me that he's taken a new teaching job on Tinian and will be starting this week. (Tinian is another island just south of Saipan; it's claim to fame is that it was where the Enola Gay took off on it's run to drop the atomic bomb on Japan). But he'll come up to Saipan either by plane or ferry every few weeks.

There was really nothing strange or awkward or stressful about the conversation which was a relief. I did note that he didn't seem particularly bothered about his family leaving him--if anything I almost got a sense that he was relieved they were gone, especially when I realized that he'd planned this trip to the Philippines right after they left. It was almost as if he was saying: "Whoo-hoo! They're gone. I'm going on VACATION!" Though he never actually had that kind of excited tone or said anything like those words that was the sense I got. He didn't seem to have any plans to try to locate them as far as I could tell. In short, he seemed to be moving on with his life.

So I'm not sure what to make of all that. I'm relieved that he seems to be on a fairly even keel and rather, guiltily, I'm also secretly glad that he's moving off island so I won't feel so burdened about the whole thing, which is horrible I know.

Right now. I'm taking a wait and see approach. I'm not sure what else to do.

 

[MrPryck2U]

Good Idea. The dude still doesn't sound all there. Be on alert.

 

[Angela Harlem]

An alarm bell in many disorders is inconsistent behaviour. We can overlook them from relief at things seemingly returning to normal. Try not to forget what he was like where you were genuinely concerned enough to even consult on here to see if anyone had some tips. Something triggered you then, Sean. Dont let the now distract from his behaviour being very abormal overall.

I'm glad you're taking a wait and see approach. I'd even contact a mental health worker on your island to at least relay the story and see what advice they offer. Good luck with it.

 

[ylimeU2]

I'm glad things have calmed down for the moment, but I'm with Angela here. These things can manifest themselves in a lot of different ways. He may seem fine, but ask yourself if you really buy that? He told you all this unbelievable stuff, came home and said he just needed to get away? Why the stories then? I would continue to think of ways you can help and find qualified people to consult with before you are completely certain he is okay.

 

[maycocksean]

Well, now I'm totally confused. I'm not sure who to believe anymore.

My friend dropped by my work on Monday. He was upset (though because he's a really low-key kind of guy I knew that he was upset because he said he was, and because he asked me to pray for him, not because was acting upset). His wife has filed a restraining order against him and in the order she has detailed all kinds of horrible allegations against him. I just can't imagine him behaving the way she described (though that certainly doesn't mean that he DIDN'T behave that way), but that's not what really makes me question the veracity of her statements. What makes me wonder is because everything about what he seems to be doing seems to be the opposite of what she's accusing him of. I remember the first thing I thought when I saw the court order was "Why does she need one? He doesn't even seem to be interested in finding her. In fact, he wasn't even here in Saipan for most of the past week and is getting ready to move over to Tinian this week." Also he doesn't seem to have any great desire to fight the order. He's kind of like, "it's fine. I'll stay away. " And he says she's welcome to anything she wants from the house." (He does want to keep his personal laptop computer which she's demanding he turn over to her in the restraining order). And rather than trying to "justify" the behavior described in the restraining order, he's outright denying it. He's saying things like "I would never say such a thing" or "I would never do that" as opposed to the. . ."Well, that's not exactly how it happened." Or "she's exaggerating. I mean yes, I did say this or do that, but itsn't like how she's painting it here." His shock at her accusations seemed pretty genuine and there wasn't the sense of "protesting too much."

Also, it turns out the "cult" he referred to isn't some imaginary group of people--it's an actual church (the one my buddy and his wife used to attend and where I actually met them both), and I know the pastor quite well---and, get this, I've never felt totally comfortable with HIM. I mean we've been friendly for about five years, we've worked together on some projects, my theater group performs at his church sometimes (in fact we have a show there this weekend) but there was always something about him I didn't quite trust though I could never put my finger on it. My friend didn't know this, but when I first thought he was losing his marbles last week, I actually called this pastor knowing that he knew my friend and his wife well, and I had that same funny feeling then too (for example, he was talking about another mutual friend who is in film school and the guy wants to leave school and come back to Saipan, and the pastor was telling me: "I told him I want him to stay at school and finish program. " And I remember thinking how he said it was a sort of weird, almost as if he "owned" the guy.) The pastor assured me that he was in touch with the wife and knew where she was and that she was safe etc. So I'm reasonably certain that he's been helping the wife file for this restraining order.

At the SAME time, some of the allegations in the restraining order did ring some bells. There was talk of his issues with white people (those posters that read my journal will remember my summer entry about the guy who was into the Black Hebrews. This is the same guy). There was talk of his being a religous fanatic, and while he hasn't ever been rabid or anything, he's definitely very skeptical and critical of "mainstream" Christianity as having strayed too ffar from the Bible. And there was an allegation about him taking inappropriate pictures of women and I know of a complaint (which he doesn't know I know) along those lines from about a year ago. A year or two ago a student of mine came and told me that a friend of hers who was having her picture taken by him and she was uncomfortable with some of the pictures that were taken.

So the bottom line of this overly long update is that I've now got two friends who I'm not sure I entirely trust and I can't figure out whose lying and who is telling the truth.

For right now, I've concluded that it kind of doesn't matter what I think. I don't HAVE to "decide." It's not really my place to. I was tempted to really grill him. . .you know "did THIS happen, and did THAT happen" but then I was like what for? I told him he should get a lawyer and I suggested he not fight the restraining order. He appears in court tomorrow, so we'll see how it goes.

Maybe I'm right about both guys! Maybe it's too controlling psychos with the poor wife and daughter in the middle!

 

[MrPryck2U]

So what happened?

 

[maycocksean]

Well, my latest conclusion is that everyone is telling the truth and everyone is lying.

My friend went to the hearing re: the restraining order last week. I guess it went well. The restraining order was kind of a moot point I guess because he's moving to Tinian. Apparently his wife made quite a scene at the hearing, unleasing a tirade of the most horrible accusations, such that the judge eventually had to reprimand her. My friend seemed really shocked by the depth of her anger and her accustations. My friend had an attorney who spoke for him. It's not clear whether she did, though she had some friends with her from the church my buddy thinks is a cult.

That same night I was over at another friends house who I will call Bill (all this "my friend this and my friend that" is getting unweildy). Bill's married to a Chinese woman who knows the wife the friend that is the subject of this thread (she's Chinese too). Apparently the wife does not have a good reputation in the "Chinese community" in Saipan. She's considered to be arrogant and is apparently constantly bragging about how rich she is. . .so, there's that.

Then the next day my freind calls me and is asking if I know where he can store some of his belongings. I ask him if he's still going to Tinian and he says it's "up in the air now" but won't elaborate. I'm noticing my friend is actually pretty reticient about volunteering much information about what's going on or what his plans are.

Then this weekend my friend Bill sends me an e-mail with more dirt telling me that my friend was fired from his job teaching at the local middle school because he was caught showing pornography to students (my friend says he quit, not that he was fired). Also Bill's wife's friend who's been in my friends house said there was porn everywhere.

(This is the third time from a third source that someone has raised the issue of "inappropriate" photos of women in connection with him. So at this point, my sense is there's probably something to it. The first time was about a year ago when a student of mine came to ask me what to do about some photos HER friend had him take as part of photo studio he was trying to take. The friend was uncomfortable with the pictures and wanted them. I guess he gave them to her and that was the end of it, but it was an early red flag for me. To this day my friend has no idea that I know about this situation).

Finally, on Sunday my friend stopped by and picked up his printer which he'd asked me to hold for him when his wife was demanding to go to their apartment and "take what was hers." He wasn't very talkative, and I was kind of done probing. His car was full of stuff, like he was moving somewhere. And I haven't seen him since. That's pretty much it.

Oh, and Friday night my theatre club performed at the church of the "cult." There was hardly anyone there, and in talking with the pastor (we didnt' discuss this situation at all) I didn't get the sense that this was a cult leader. . .just someone who liked to feel important.

So right now, I'm figuring the wife is a little off, my friend's a little off (and may have some pornography "issues") and the pastor has sided with the wife.

That's about it, so far.

 

[Angela Harlem]

Yeah, sounds like your mate is heading down the isolation and loneliness path, perhaps spurned by his wife leaving him in many senses to get closer to the cult. In despair he has been heading down the path he shouldn't, and could possibly get him in trouble.

Sheesh, listen to me making assumptions everywhere. Sorry, mate. Is your friend depressed at all? Does he drink? There's always at least 2 sides to a story, but it does seem like he is heading in one direction and the wife in another. Which came first is a chicken or the egg story.