He gets mad if I pay for myself.

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youtooellen

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My boyfriend gets mad when I refuse to let him pay for things. He recently quit from his previous job, but right now he's looking for a job. He gets upset when I tell him it's okay if he doesn't pay for me. And to be honest, I don't mind at all.

See, I know that he is tight on money right now. So I don't want his money to go down the drain for me, especially when I know that he's trying to save up to buy a car. (We also have trouble seeing each other cause we have no means of transportation to see each other unless a friend is willing to drive. But that's a different story.)

Tonight, he got upset with me because I paid for my meal at a fast food restaurant. I asked him why he gets so upset and he says it's because of his pride and he feels like I'm taking it away or something. But really, I'm just taking away his money...

I wish I could reason with him but I don't know what to say or do. I especially don't want him to waste his money on a measley old meal for me when he could be that much closer to buying his car.

What should I do?
 
??? is he seriously that mad about it? i mean, i always pay when i go out too, but if she insists on and somehow eventually ends up paying for herself i wouldn't really be mad. . . i'd pretend i was a little mad, but thats it (i'd probably be happier than i would be if i was paying). so either this is a big joke or you need to tell him to lighten up. tell him once he gets a new job or buys a car to take you out to a super-expensive steak dinner or something.
 
Start a huge feminist rant about how men and women should be equal. He'll be too scared to argue with you.. :wink:
 
When I go out, I always feel like whoever asks the other person out is obligated to pay, unless there's a previous arrangement. So, if Phil says "we're going out tonight", I assume he will pay. If I say "we're eating out tonight", I am willing to pay. If we both are like "hm.....we have no good food, let's grab Chinese take-out", we'll just pay for our own.
 
discothequeLP said:
??? is he seriously that mad about it? i mean, i always pay when i go out too, but if she insists on and somehow eventually ends up paying for herself i wouldn't really be mad. . . i'd pretend i was a little mad, but thats it (i'd probably be happier than i would be if i was paying). so either this is a big joke or you need to tell him to lighten up. tell him once he gets a new job or buys a car to take you out to a super-expensive steak dinner or something.

yeah, i told him to lighten up, and that it's really not a big deal. but i could tell he gets kind of... frustrated and hurt? :slant:

he says that once he gets a job he'll just buy me something nice cause he wants to, but even when i say fine about that, he still gets upset about the 'I'll pay for myself, don't worry' bit.
 
Was he like this before he quit his job? I am probably pointing out the obvious here, but I am wondering if the fact that he has no job at the moment has made him feel insecure and that this has something to do with it?
 
Its a guy thing and I'm sure he's hurtful that he's without a job at the time but he wants to still pay for you...next time before heading out, if he suggests dinner just tell him "as long as you let me pay for my share!" that should resolve it....:)
 
He's an acts lover. He shows love through doing nice things for you.
Unfortunately, if he feels like not paying for you isnt loving you as well then its going to make him feel bad.
Make sure he knows that you appreciate him even if he's having a tough time right now. And if he still insists to pay, let him pay.
 
I think it's great that he's actually concerned, but he should also be very appreciative that he has someone sensitive to his current status.

Anytime I ask a girl out I expect and want to pay for the evening, but after awhile of dating I appreciate the fact she realizes I'm not made of money and offers every once in awhile.

Sounds like a pride thing to me, that's something I've never completely understood...so I can't help you out there.
 
A lot of non-chauvinistic, liberated guys still see their partner paying for a meal (be it just the half the partner eats or what both parties eat) as an affront to their masculinity. It apparently touches something deeply primal in them & says "Look - you didn't/couldn't/wouldn't provide for your loved one. Now the world knows what a loser you are!" This, of course, is nowhere near the truth, but it's how their brains are hardwired.

I speak from experience... after almost 17 years together, Mr. Blu JUST THIS WEEK got very depressed & downright pissy because he couldn't surprise me with the purchase of a big item we've been saving up for (same old story... we thought we were going to have some extra money, but an unexpected expense came up :shrug: ). He still thinks after all these years & the umpteen thousand times I've told him otherwise that if I utter the slightest interest in something and he can't produce said item IMMEDIATELY that he's somehow failed me as a husband. Like I said, my theory is the old Caveman Mentality: "Me man. Me provide. Me no provide, me less than man. Less than man bad. Very bad."

It's one of those "It's a man thing" issues... and I will definately never understand it. :huh:
 
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u2bonogirl said:
He's an acts lover. He shows love through doing nice things for you.
Unfortunately, if he feels like not paying for you isnt loving you as well then its going to make him feel bad.
Make sure he knows that you appreciate him even if he's having a tough time right now. And if he still insists to pay, let him pay.


^ :up:


I could see myself being that way, feeling disgusted if I wasn't able to pay for a dinner, etc.

But it is a hard situation to be in. If I were you'd, logically, I'd say, "well, just convince him that you are doing this because you care about him"


But I don't know.
Maybe it would be better to let him do it, and show you care that way. But that is still sort of illogical, in terms of $$$



wow, if I were the boyfriend?.........
I don't know. Hopefully I would be able to be rational about it. But having a lot of pride, like I do, it would be tough.

Really tough situation
 
Tilli said:
Was he like this before he quit his job? I am probably pointing out the obvious here, but I am wondering if the fact that he has no job at the moment has made him feel insecure and that this has something to do with it?

Before when he had a job, he was constantly saving up for his car. (he's hoping to save up for a used car and buying it somewhere around this year..). and yeah, he would pay for me whenever the opportunity came.

Sometimes I feel like I kind of push a button or something :huh: when I mention that 'you don't need to pay cause you're tight on money right now' or something along those lines. He tells me that he wishes he didn't quit his job and stuff. (he was being paid under the table so he was getting a decent amount of money.) and right now he gets all worked up when he remembers that he needs to apply for so-and-so job or so-and-so job. :|

and just yesterday, I found out that the most recent job he applied for.... he didn't get. :slant:

which makes matteres worse for me.
I'm figuring that I should just talk to him and discuss that because of his pride and man-hood, this money ordeal is making ME frustrated over him. :shrug: or something along those lines.
 
He sounds very stressed out by his situation at the moment. I think what someone said above about him being an "acts lover" is probably true and his lack of work, and therefore money, is making him feel a little inadequate.

This a difficult one as it would be easy to just let him pay but it is obviously bothering you so you need to speak to him and explain how it is making you feel too.

Maybe a compromise would work if you could convince him? Like he pays on time and you pay the next? I don't know whether he would agree to this but it is worth a try.
 
Although I'm not your boyfriend...:wink: ,

I was a lot like that when I began dating my wife. She was very self-supportive before we started dating, so it took her a while to get used to me treating her like a princess. I suppose my token of advice would be to let him go ahead and treat you, and try to appreciate his willingness to do so. From time to time, you may want to offer/insist to pay the whole bill on occasion.

Also, keep encouraging him to find a job. He'll feel a lot better about himself when he gets one.

(Hi guys, I haven't been on here for a while...)
 
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