Having a shitty time

[drownoutheworld]

So everyone, I’m sitting here alone on a Friday night, I’ve had a real shitty week. I called in “sick” to work today. I’ve been at my job almost three years and have only called in sick about fours times, this is not like me. I used to be so depressed in high school and at times in college; since I’ve “grown up” I’ve been so much better. I’ve been able to deal with things and not feel like to world was closing in on me. I feel like I could burst into tears at any minute, I’ve got a so much tension inside right now, I feel like I could literally explode. I really want to call a friend and say that I’m not okay. I can’t do that. I don’t want to be that person. I’ve taken so much pride in being the strong one now, I’m independent, and I like it this way. I used to be so fucking needy.

The worst part is I know exactly what will make this go away, for a little while at least. I could take a razor to my arm and all these bad feelings would seep away. I’ve been so good; it’s been like two years since I last did that. I don’t want to start again. If I let myself do it “just once” I fear the ceiling would be broken and the next time would be that much easier and than the time after that, soon I’d be right back where I used to be.

I’m trying to hard. I’ve got my favorite U2 playlist on; I’m just waiting to feel better. If it doesn’t happen soon, I might go for a drive to get out of my house and away from temptations. It’s late and I’d rather not go out, but it might be worth it.

I’m too old to be dealing this crap like this. I might try and get into see a doctor on Monday if I can’t shake there feelings soon. I’m not going back to where I was a few years ago.

So that’s my confession. I’m not asking anyone to try and save or fix me. Just wanted to get it out there, that I’m having a shitty time right now. If anyone has any words of wisdom, I’m listening.

 

[VertigoGal]

I'm sorry you're feeling down. a doctor is probably a good idea, especially if you've been there before and know where it leads.
I hope you're able to avoid cutting. it's temporary relief, but like you said it only lasts a little while and the aftermath could leave you in a much unhappier place. I've never tried this but I read recently that squeezing ice cubes in your hands can help relieve that urge (sounds weird but makes sense I guess). that's all I've got as far as words of wisdom, sadly.

I totally relate to the feeling, wanting to call someone on the phone and vent or spill or just have them know you aren't ok. but then the idea of being "that person" stops you every time. completely relate. maybe it would help you if you could take that step and choose one person to talk to, even if it's not a detailed description of every underlying feeling. if not, at least getting it out online can be the next best thing.

good luck.

 

[Zoots]

I'm sorry for how you're feeling but I really don't understand how taking a razor to your arm can be any sort of relief, let alone temporary. I have never been in that situation so maybe I don't understand. You should go see a counselor or doctor. Good luck!

 

[Carek1230]

I feel your pain, sounds like you are clinically depressed. Please seek some professional help from a doctor or counselor as soon as possible. Call a hotline to talk to someone, there are TONS of organizations and people out there to listen, who understand exactly where you are and what you are feeling and can help you. Don't do anything to harm yourself. Be patient with your feelings and if you seek some professional help this will pass and once you are healthier your entire outlook will change and life will be OK. Good luck, and if you feel the need, PM me, I'd be happy to listen. I've been there before so I understand.

 

[JCOSTER]

Please call a doctor and get some help. You will feel sooo much better. Understand to that you are not alone in how you feel. I can relate to the feelings you have. I know when I was depressed how I felt and I eventually got some help. I hope you decide to seek out professional advice.

 

[drownoutheworld]

Oh my, I’m so sorry if my post last night had a “post and run” feeling to it. I wasn’t in any sort of mood or state of mind to try and explain myself any better. It probably wasn’t the most responsible thing of me to do. Sorry!

To update; last nigh SUCKED, but I’m feeling a bit better now. Still a little off kilter, but a marked improvement. I had to do a billion different things to make it through unscathed, and I did. It’s been a really long time since a night was that bad for me.

VertigoGal- thank you so much for your words. It sounds like you might have some (personal?) experience with this… even though I didn’t post, I did come back and read what was posted. Thanks for the ice cube suggestion, I’d read that before as well, but if you hadn’t have mentioned it, last night it would have never occurred to me try something like that. I didn’t use that trick or anything else like, it’s a little too close for comfort for me. In the past I’ve ran my hands and arms under really, really hot water, the same type of thing and using an ice cube. I try and stay away from things like that, like I said it seems too close for comfort and also a little like cheating. But, of course, if worse comes to worse using something like that is far better than the alternative.

Zootlesque- I know, I know, it doesn’t make any sense that hurting yourself could help you to feel better, I wish it didn’t help. I wish I didn’t know that it helps. I wish I never tried it the first time when I was in high school feeling scared, alone and trapped in my father’s house. I can’t take any of that back now, but I can fight my darnedest to go forward from here. I can’t explain it. I don’t think you’d understand if I told you that right now, even though I’m feelings tons better than last night, I would cut myself if it weren’t for the ramification that I know would come after it. If I didn’t know how incredibly unhealthy it is, if I didn’t know that I’d regret it in the morning and beat myself up about failing after such a long time, if I wouldn’t have to hid it from everyone, if I didn’t know it was “wrong” (biblically), I’d do it, because it releases tension and feels good. CRAZY, I know, I know how it sounds. If you’ve got some time on your hands and really want to know more about that, google, google, google, there’s some good sites out there about it. A word from the wise: kids, don’t ever try this at home! Not even once, it might not help, you might think ‘shit, I just cut myself, that hurts’, but if doesn’t, if helps you to feel better, you don’t want to know.

Carek1230 and JCOSTER- thank you for your support and understanding. I’m definitely going to stay on top of how I’m feeling. As of now, I think I’m going to hold off on seeing a doctor. I don’t want let a few bad days get the better of me. If it becomes more often than not, that I’m feeling like that, I’ll go. I know, if I go to see a doc it’ll be expensive (crappy insurance) and if drugs what would be recommended, I don’t take putting medication in my body lightly. If it’s what I need, it’s what I need. For now, I’m going to try and tough it out. The way I see it, it’s something I might be dealing with for the rest of my life, much like an alcoholic might always feel the pull of drink, so wanting to do something bad and doing something bad are two different things.

 

[VertigoGal]

I'm glad you're doing better and want to say congrats on surviving the night without giving into your impulses. that's something to be seriously proud of.
heh- in situations like that I find myself "doing the dishes" (even if there's only like 2 plates) in scalding hot water, without even thinking. it's better than the alternative though, you're right. but I do relate to the feeling of it being cheating.
I hope you continue to feel better & if you ever want to discuss it more you can PM me or email me runningtostandstill@mail.com

 

[AtomicBono]

I feel like you a lot

Bravo for not giving into it like I do

I hate the feeling of wanting to call someone, but not wanting to bother them, or being afraid that there's no one who really cares... but I think sometimes you have to just suck it up and try anyway. Everybody has moments of weakness. I'm sure any true friend would rather hear you sobbing in the middle of the night than see the cuts on your arms again.

do consider seeing a doctor if this keeps happening (i should probably take my own advice...). I totally understand not wanting to rush into it though.

good luck with everything. you can PM or email me as well (woolymammals@gmail.com) if you ever need to talk 'cause I know all about that shit

 

[VertigoGal]

ha I'm like you AB. I pretty much always give in to this and similar vices.

I'm actually in a similar position right now, trying NOT to do something for the first time in forfuckingever, so I am rereading your thread drownouttheworld, for inspiration and motivation.

 

[VertigoGal]

and it's incredible how resisting the urge, not following through the one time...allows every single feeling to hit you so hard, even the ones you forgot you were trying to forget. such a direct relation to the resisting the action. i don't know if i can deal with that, it's not an encouraging result.

 

[JanuaryStar]

drownoutheworld, I can relate to how you are feeling.

Please do try to realise that whenever you call someone to tell that you're not feeling okay, that you're not 'that person' who is needy. People should talk about their feelings more and about how they are feeling. Hell I've been in a period in which I said NOTHING to nobody about how I felt, felt like I only was a burden to them etc... But that's not okay. You're not alone in this world, you need people around you to help you whenever you're feeling blue or depressed. And that's not a weak thing. Admitting to your fears/feelings/depression is one of the most toughest things to do. It doesn't mean that you're not 'independent' or 'strong', it just means that you need a little help to get back on that rollercoaster that's called life, and there's nothing wrong with that...

I hope you will seek out some professional help if you're still feeling as bad as you did when you posted your messages. Because nobody needs to go through these situations alone... Good luck, and keep the faith

 

[Lemonchick]

drownoutheworld, I know you've probably heard this before, but you are not alone.

I fully understand the feeling of trying so hard not to give into impulses...once you've finally gotten past certain habits, it feels like those habits never really leave you, and they're always in the back of your mind...especially when you're gong through really shitty times. Finding less harmful ways of dealing with your feelings is not necessarily a bad thing, even though I know what you mean about it feeling like "cheating", i've done that way too often.

It took me many many years until I was finally able to open up to someone about how i felt. And even now I find it very hard to just call someone to talk about it, because it always feels like they probably have their own problems to deal with, and I hate being "that person". But sometimes finding someone to open up to is one of the most liberating feelings ever...I found that someone in a very good friend and she has slowly helped me open up whenever I'm not feeling okay. Taking the first step isn't easy...but it (slowly) gets easier.

I really hope that you're feeling better. If you ever need to let anything out my e-mail is lemonchick@gmail.com, i find it easy to talk about things like this in less public settings.

VG - that's so weird, I've also found myself "doing the dishes" in scalding hot water as an alternative to other things

drownoutheworld, keep us up to date and don't hesitate to get professional help if you feel you need it . (I should probably listen to my own advice here)