Having a big problem with my girlfriend.

[shart1780]

My girlfiend is having an extremely hard time over something. She asked me if I ever think of other women in sexual ways. I don't watch porn or look at Maxim or anything, but of course sometimes I'll get sexual thoughts about other girls. I told her that when I do get these thoughts I try not to think about it (which is the truth), and that I only really have a desire to think of her that way (which is the truth). I don't get hot and bothered and get an erection thiking of these other girls because I basically push these thoughts out of my mind as soon as they come. In case you don't remember I'm that crazy christian guy.

She was completely suprised that I could ever think of another girl in this way, and I was completely suprised that she didn't know that it's just a human instinct. She feels horrible that I could think of girls besides her in that way. She says that she never thinks sexually of other guys. She also feels like my love for her doesn't mean as much as she originally believed, because over the last 27 months we've been going out, I'd still sometimes have sexual thoughts about other girls.

I told her that it's just a natural feeling that I push away. She says that doesn't help, and that she's still devastated that I could tell her I love her yet still think of other women like that. I told her love isn't about natural feelings, but how I deal with them and how I try to do the right thing for our sake. She doesn't believe that matters anymore, and is disappointed in the entire concept of romantic love. She says she's disappointed by love. She doesn't blame me, she just doesn't trust me anymore. No matter how much I try to prove her feelings wrong or convince her that that doesn't mean I don't love her, she feels the same. Her feelings are completely honest about this.

I should also add that she's completely unsatisfied with herself now. She never thought she was the hottest girl in the world, but she was confident enough in her attractiveness. Now she feels like it's in some ways her fault that I'd get thoughts about other girls. She thinks that if she would have constantly tried to please me maye I'd be satisfied.

Which is completely ridiculous. I've always been 110% satisfied with everything about her. Before I'd even fallen for her I found her extremely attractive. I told her that, now that I love her, It's not just the universally hot things I find attractive about her, but the little things she does that I've learned to love about her.

Basically nothing I say makes her feel better. She acknowledges that she her feelings may be unhustified, but that she feels that way either way, and she can't help it, so there's no point in me trying to change her mind.

What do you think?

 

[starsforu2]

I recommend that she speak with elder married Christian women about this. It sounds as though she is naive about temptation and how it affects different people and that it isn't proportionately related to someone's love. You won't be able to convince her that you are actually on the pure end of the spectrum, but other women with more experience in the world might be able to correct her world view.
There will never be an absence of tempation. It's how we deal with it that counts for something. That's when character is found.
Good luck.

 

[starsforu2]

Um, Shart, your profile says your a girl. Did I miss something?

 

[shart1780]

I'm not a girl LOL.

 

[starsgoblue]

Shart

I am very convinced that men and women speak two totally different languages. Have you asked her exactly what it means to her what sexual feelings are and mean? You may have replied that you find other women sexually attractive thinking it was applying to the instinct we all have. But she might have heard it as something threatening like, "You aren't pretty enough for me and I could very well look elsewhere if the oppurtunity arises". Does that make any sense?

I know perfectly well what you meant when you responded to her--it is a fact that when the eye sees something beautiful it is going to find it attractive but her thoughts behind the loaded question might have been much deeper from what it sounds like to me. When I was in high school I was very insecure about my looks and I can remember getting into a similar dissagreement with my boyfriend at the time. I realize now that I was upset because of my own insecurities and when he would say someone on TV was attractive I would turn green because in my then girlish ways I somehow thought that meant that he would be secretly wanting a girl that looked more like that person and I was just good enough for the time being. Make any sense?! It doesn't make any sense to me now either....but hey, that's where I was at then...

Sit her down and talk to her. Try to break that 'language barrier' and see if what she is really just looking for is reassurance. I'm sure that's what she really deep down is hoping to find. You've been with her for 27 months now....it is obvious to me that you care for her...she just might need to be reminded.

Keep us posted.

The mysterious distance between a man and a woman

 

[odowdpa]

funny thing is, i just had the same thing happen to me. i think its mad that people could only think of one person, its just not realistic. i think guys and dolls are just wired differently though. now if they only knew what we were thinking while in the sack we'd be in trouble...jk...maybe

 

[indra]

funny thing is, i just had the same thing happen to me. i think its mad that people could only think of one person, its just not realistic. i think guys and dolls are just wired differently though. now if they only knew what we were thinking while in the sack we'd be in trouble...jk...maybe

Ah, hon, don't worry that we might find out you guys' little secret. We already know you're all pigs.

 

[MissVelvetDress_75]

Ah, hon, don't worry that we might find out you guys' little secret. We already know you're all pigs.

 

[dandy]

this is the epitome of why i do not mind being single. i don't miss the silly insecurity fights one tiny bit.

indra!

 

[Sicy]

She's being very unrealistic. It's totally natural for guys AND girls to occasionally have thoughts about someone else of the opposite sex. It's human nature! It doesnt mean you love her any less or you are cheating on her or anything. She should be happy for the fact that you were honest with her. But I guess you better not tell her about the times you... you know, do it without her She'd probly flip her lid!

 

[starsgoblue]

But I guess you better not tell her about the times you... you know, do it without her She'd probly flip her lid!

Oh Sicy, you're evil!

 

[Liesje]

Shart, you sound normal to me! It's like your girlfriend doesn't really know much about herself yet, like in a physical sense. She sounds like the type of personal who's afraid or ashamed or in denial of her body and sexuality. I'm not saying she SHOULD get horny over other guys, but for her not to even understand where you're coming from seems odd.

 

[AcrobatMan]

Why did you tell the truth when she is lying all the time.
In Rome be a Roman, with a liar tell many lies.
If you meet someone true, tell her all your truth.
For the moment I'd suggest start fabrication and manipulation.



I am a great POET

 

[hiphop]

She's being very unrealistic. It's totally natural for guys AND girls to occasionally have thoughts about someone else of the opposite sex. It's human nature! It doesnt mean you love her any less or you are cheating on her or anything. She should be happy for the fact that you were honest with her. But I guess you better not tell her about the times you... you know, do it without her She'd probly flip her lid!

Exactly.

I know shart, you think your girlfriend is innocent and pure, and that´s what she probably is. But it is also unrealistic, like Sicy said.

I think both of you will grow up and define your man/ women roles.. a fully adult woman not only knows that all men are "pigs" (this is just a phase they have somewhere in between, when they feel so strong and powerful - usually that kind of wisdom changes when they get pregnant, and/ or realize they´re "pigs" too), an adult woman has also learned that both men and women are conditioned by sex sex sex for sale around you, even if its something "accepted" like fashion models - the society we live in loves to play and make money with your instincts.

It seems your girlfriend is still on the way from girl to woman. Many women have sexual desires that do not include their men. The difference is in what you actually do. You can live with your desires very well in your very own thought-world.

This thought-world is your world, and it´s not the business of anyone, not even your girlfriend, to explore it.

Indeed, you fell for a very typical woman´s trick, my friend. She asked you if you thought of other women. So she wanted to know. You were innocent boy enough to tell her the truth. Now she feels bad. She kinda blames you when you haven´t done anything wrong. Well, she shouldn´t have asked in the first place if she can´t take the truth!

You will come to a better understanding of a woman´s psyche over the years. If a girl asks questions like that, you have to realize she lives in another dimension. If you are her boyfriend, and do not want to hurt her, ask her what she intends with that question. If she chickens out and just continues to ask, you should probably lie to her.

Men can live with a lie when women try their tricks on them; sometimes this is better than hurting a person and destroying a love very valuable.

The situation may differ when you are untrue to her, when something concrete happens. Still, it is your decision to tell or not. Not to tell, is not necessarily a bad thing. In reality, telling the truth about being untrue is asking for forgiveness while you´re trying to get rid of your fault by hurting your partner. You can decide if you want to live with that "fault" for the rest of your relationship, which may be a burden that you´ll have to bear - because you were untrue in the first place - better think next time before falling for sex.

Anyway, the decision is up to you, and anyone who wants to force you to say or do something, is not on the right track.

Your body may be hers, but your mind is still more yours than hers, understand what I mean? Thoughts are free, minds are free. That´s human nature.

Tell her that if her concept of love is destroyed, it probably wasn´t the right concept. I know that sounds hard, and it is much easier to play her game with her, "I am so sorry" etc.

In reality there is nothing you have to be sorry for! If she really wants the truth, you can just go and tell her exactly that, instead of trying to reconstruct a "perfect concept" of love.

If she understands you (give her some time though) you have the chance of moving up to the next stage of love. This stage is not about controlling - which is exactly what she intended with her question - asking you for the truth, then blaming you for it, so you will feel a little uneasy when you think of an attractive woman other than her next time - all about control - nice concept of love, duh.

The next stage of love would include true passion, less control because of natural trust, and yet enough freedom in mind to allow you to live like you want. But let me warn you, friend - then it may get serious, stuff like moving in together, making your weird dirty sexual desires come true with her, etc.

 

[AcrobatMan]

excellent post

natural trust

misread this the 1st time

 

[BAW]

Sicy and LivLuv

 

[jesseu2]

Um, Shart, your profile says your a girl. Did I miss something?

i was thinking the same thing, lol.

 

[Night & Day]

Almost everything i was thinking of replying to you was covered.
It is natural to look at a person you find attractive and have certain thoughts come to mind. You g/f is lying if she says she doesnt. She may not be thinking of heavy sexual thoughts, but its really hard to believe that there is anyone out there who doesnt cross paths with someone in thier daily life, they find attractive in some way. That is whats not natural.But it is how you handle or control it, that matters. Its not like you are horndogging over everyone you see. Id like to think that our thoughts are the last of what we control. Everything else in our lives seem to be controled by our bosses, our spouses, our children, our religon,etc.
What i will say is this, you know in your heart that you truly, deeply and honestly love her, and only her. But if you cannot convience her of this soon, you will spend a life time trying, all to no avail. It will frustrate you, drain you, anger you and drive you apart. It will also make making love more difficult, shell always be wondering what you are thinking about and that is the begining of the end of that. Confidence is one of the sexiest things you can have. No matter what you look like.

 

[Windmilllane]

But I guess you better not tell her about the times you... you know, do it without her She'd probly flip her lid!

But if you do, remember to say that you were thinking about her. Don't do a slip of the tongue and say, "Carmen Electra."

 

[yimou]

You told the truth, and it was completely innocent. Her reaction will probarly make you think twice about telling the truth to such a question again. And thats a shame..

 

[Lancemc]

I've had enough of romantic love! hehe, sorry...


...ohh to have a girlfriend in the first place. I'm starting to believe it's more trouble than it's worth!

 

[LarryMullen's POPAngel]

I used to be like your girlfriend, a lot. It did nothing but cause trouble and ultimately had a part in what broke me and my first serious relationship up. In reading the responses of other posters here, I agree with all of them (now) in saying it's completely normal to have thoughts about the opposite sex and to think that your signifigant other doesn't is completely naive and unrealistic. What matters is that either of you don't act on them, or in your case, what matters is that she realize that you won't act on them.

 

[yimou]

I've had enough of romantic love! hehe, sorry...


...ohh to have a girlfriend in the first place. I'm starting to believe it's more trouble than it's worth!

LOL

 

[RosieHS]

I am currently working out a very similar problem. Actually, I pray that there is a solution to this mess.

My advise to the womam involved is: if this is bothering you so severely then maybe you are not comfortable in being in a relationship period. You may be better off alone - forever. This may sound harsh but, I feel this is the answer that comes deep from my heart.

Good luck and please keep me posted as to the outcome. As I said, I am in a muddle over this one myself.

 

[lauren430]

I used to be like your girlfriend, a lot. It did nothing but cause trouble and ultimately had a part in what broke me and my first serious relationship up.

Me too, very similar situation, and I was that girl, same thing essentially, first serious relationship, and we broke up largely b/c of that...

And it seems so silly now, but it took the ebbs and flows of that relationship to get me to where I am today, more confident and realistic about human nature......so in my next relationship it won't be a problem!

Not that this is really advice for how to deal with your girlfriend. I know that one can only reassure their significant other to some extent, but the rest is really up to them.

 

[RosieHS]

I like my shiny disco ball avatar.

 

[Laura M]

She's being very unrealistic. It's totally natural for guys AND girls to occasionally have thoughts about someone else of the opposite sex. It's human nature! It doesnt mean you love her any less or you are cheating on her or anything. She should be happy for the fact that you were honest with her. But I guess you better not tell her about the times you... you know, do it without her She'd probly flip her lid!

 

[RosieHS]

Update: My relationship has taken a new road - all for the better. We have both agreed that we will stay focused only on each other and even though we might fail we will be forgiving and not hold it against the other and it's ok to get upset. (The upset part is important to me - it helps me keep in line.) Wow, a relationship can be so awesome when it's pure dedication. I'm dedicated and I'm fortunate that he is too.

BTW, I also know that there are other things/issues that I need to keep focused on and that is what helps keep me grounded. There are my children, family, friends, people that suffer needlessly, people/children that need desperate help, etc... There is so much to do in this lifetime and I don't want to miss out.