Girl trouble again

[bigjohn2441]

Okay, here's what I would do: I wouldn't fall all over myself trying to explain away any odd behaviour on the date. She already knows you socially, and if you came across badly on the date, chances are she'll know it was nerves.

I also wouldn't contact her the minute she said it was okay to (she told you to text in a week or something?). If you don't hear from her first, and if you feel you must talk to her, give it a few days or a week after that. And then when you do contact her, don't ask for a date, play it a bit cooler than that. Is there any excuse you'd possibly have to contact her that's not date-related? Something you want to tell her about a common interest? Something interesting happening at school? Even if it's just that you wanted to check in to say hi to her, and see how things are going. Keep it casual. See how she reacts to that - does she seem warm and friendly, or is she acting cool toward you?

With me, being relentlessly pursued by someone I'm ambivalent about is a huge turn off.

couldnt've said it better myself.

 

[Galeongirl]

so i guess most girls in their teens and early 20s know exactly what i kind of guy they want

but then again, what do i know? all i know is this shit works for me.

Yes. They do. Here's one speaking, for instance.

Stop thinking YOU know what women want. Every poll in the history of the universe has shown that especially teenage and adolescent boys have absolutely no clue.

Your idea may have worked for you, but that doesn't make it less of a stupid game. It's a stupid idea to let a woman wait for you and 'play' with her like that. Besides stupid, it's very disrespectful.

Okay, here's what I would do: I wouldn't fall all over myself trying to explain away any odd behaviour on the date. She already knows you socially, and if you came across badly on the date, chances are she'll know it was nerves.

I also wouldn't contact her the minute she said it was okay to (she told you to text in a week or something?). If you don't hear from her first, and if you feel you must talk to her, give it a few days or a week after that. And then when you do contact her, don't ask for a date, play it a bit cooler than that. Is there any excuse you'd possibly have to contact her that's not date-related? Something you want to tell her about a common interest? Something interesting happening at school? Even if it's just that you wanted to check in to say hi to her, and see how things are going. Keep it casual. See how she reacts to that - does she seem warm and friendly, or is she acting cool toward you?

With me, being relentlessly pursued by someone I'm ambivalent about is a huge turn off.

Great advice. Even an email or msn message asking how she's doing, or just a text can be okay too. Perhaps she'll bring up the date thing, otherwise there's always tomorrow..

 

[bigjohn2441]

Yes. They do. Here's one speaking, for instance.

and yet another example of "i think this way, therefore everyone else must"

and i DO know what women want

but yeah, VP's advice was more along the lines of what i was getting at, not playing "stupid games"

 

[VintagePunk]

I don't really think it's playing games, it's more having social awareness of the situation, how you're coming across, and how the person you're interested is reacting to you. If you've just had the best date ever with someone, by all means, don't wait, call the next day. But there are some situations where you definitely need to turn it down a couple of notches, and this is one of them.

There's this well known online essay about "nice guys." I read it quite a while ago, and then came across it again recently, and it reminded me of some of the posts by young male posters in here regarding problems with girls they like. It's kind of brutal, and even though I don't necessarily agree with every word of it, there is a lot of truth to it. I'm tempted to start a new thread and post it.

 

[bigjohn2441]

DO IT!

see how many women come out of the woodwork to say it's bullshit

 

[VintagePunk]

Done.


Tuvok - I just wanted to say that I'm not implying that you fit the description of the kind of "nice guy" that's talked about in the essay. This just seems to be a common theme with younger guys posting in ZC, and it brought to mind this essay, that's all.

 

[Bono's shades]

Stop thinking YOU know what women want. Every poll in the history of the universe has shown that especially teenage and adolescent boys have absolutely no clue.

Asking "what women want" in the first place is a dumb question because not every woman is the same. They actually have (gasp!) individual personalities, which means they aren't all necessarily looking for the same thing.

 

[Bonoa]

There's your problem!!

You're a vulcan

It would be a lot more difficult if he was a Klingon!

 

[Bonoa]

well i guess you are the same as every other woman on the planet.

i love how women try to shoot down these "stupid ass games" by generalizing ALL women by what THEY think. the truth is most YOUNG women, which is what we are talking about btw, dont even know what they want or how they feel most of the time. so i find it amusing when women, especially those who have matured and are past their 20's "having fun" stage, try and speak for ALL women based on what THEY think.

and i dont think of them as "stupid ass games", more as being someone women are attracted to, as opposed to being a whiney little chump that trys too hard to impress them all the time and gets nowhere.

I wonder which kind of women you are attracted to.......









Big tits no brains?

 

[Tuvok]

OK I'm gonna try to get in touch with her tonight. I've been an absolute misery the last few days and to be honest I can't really keep it up much longer. I was thinking of calling her, at least it's a bit more personal, but I have a horrible feeling she won't pick up and to be honest that'll leave me feeling even worse. Or should I try texting...bit less intense I guess, although she has a habit of not replying for ages....

 

[bigjohn2441]

I wonder which kind of women you are attracted to.......

one's that look like your avatar

 

[Bonoa]

one's that look like your avatar

What? Big brain no tits?

 

[Tuvok]

OK new development. Called her this evening. She again said she was too busy to go out, but I dont think this was an excuse really, I think she genuinly is. We're all doing projects right now and her deadlines a lot sooner than everyone else's (like next week). Problem is she's planning on going home early for a bit, straight after. Now she has to come back here towards the end of July to present it and she told me she'd only be gone for a week, but she has a habit of staying longer than planned. She didnt seem weird on the phone, in fact we chatted for nearly an hour. I think she appreciated the call.

I guess I need some clarity. I really want to just ask her what the hell's going on. Should I just confront her about it and tell her how I feel or should I just see how it goes, like I've been doing for the last year and try to reinforce the ever-growing friendship and see what springs from it?

 

[pandemonium]

RULE NUMBER 1 - Don't ever tell her how you feel!!!!

 

[nadie]

Once again, xkcd has the answer to all of life's problems.

xkcd - A Webcomic - Friends

And I disagree with rule #1. Current bf told me how he felt. It went wonderfully. Of course, I was not being exactly subtle about my feelings either.

 

[Galeongirl]

OK new development. Called her this evening. She again said she was too busy to go out, but I dont think this was an excuse really, I think she genuinly is. We're all doing projects right now and her deadlines a lot sooner than everyone else's (like next week). Problem is she's planning on going home early for a bit, straight after. Now she has to come back here towards the end of July to present it and she told me she'd only be gone for a week, but she has a habit of staying longer than planned. She didnt seem weird on the phone, in fact we chatted for nearly an hour. I think she appreciated the call.

I guess I need some clarity. I really want to just ask her what the hell's going on. Should I just confront her about it and tell her how I feel or should I just see how it goes, like I've been doing for the last year and try to reinforce the ever-growing friendship and see what springs from it?

Well, if you feel she's genuinely busy(which I can understand, as it's right before summer holidays!) give her the time she needs. When the hectic's calmed down she'll have plenty of time.

And I disagree with rule #1 too, it is never a bad thing to talk to her about your feelings. There's a thing about bad timing, but it's never ever a bad thing.
If you feel confident enough, you should tell her what's going on between you two and tell her how you feel. BUt if you don't feel confident, perhaps it won't hurt to wait a little longer? Say, until the end of summer, see how it goes then and wether you've gained the confidence you need?

 

[bigjohn2441]

RULE NUMBER 1 - Don't ever tell her how you feel!!!!

at least not until you are SURE she is interested in you, otherwise if you pour your heart out too early it WILL freak her out

 

[pandemonium]

Thats what I meant Sounds as though he's unsure of her feelings towards him and if he tells her how he feels it might put her at unease and kill any attraction she might have off

I've been there and done it !!!!

MAybe wait until he knows for certain

 

[Tuvok]

It's hard to guess how she's feeling especially since I'm seeing so little of her at the moment. Right now I'm toying with 3 possibilities:

1. Try asking her to dinner one last time next week, in between her handing in her report and flying home.
2. Just call her and ask her what the situation is flat out.
3. Meet her at the airport and tell her ???????????

 

[bigjohn2441]

It's hard to guess how she's feeling especially since I'm seeing so little of her at the moment. Right now I'm toying with 3 possibilities:

1. Try asking her to dinner one last time next week, in between her handing in her report and flying home.
2. Just call her and ask her what the situation is flat out.
3. Meet her at the airport and tell her ???????????

1. i guess you could try, what's the point if she is leaving anyway?
2. probably not a good idea
3. HELL NO!

id say forget her and move on. lots of other women out there. NEVER fall so hard like you did again, (unless you feel the feelings are mutual), or else you are just setting yourself up for more pain (believe me i know ). and try not to fuck up next time see what went wrong this time and dont do the same next time.

 

[Galeongirl]

Meeting at airport and telling her is a bad idea. That way it's rushed and you're really confronting her right before she's going away! Confrontation is always a bad thing in this case, and will almost always lead to rejection.

Giving those three options, I'm not sure what I would do. Perhaps ask her if she's got some spare time, then ask to dinner, if she doesn't have the time ask what's going on between you.

 

[Tuvok]

Ok so I decided, what with her going away soon, to call her and just ask what the situation is. I was going to approach it in a light hearted way obviously and make light of some of the cock ups I may have made (falling over, bleeding, talking shit) and tell her how i enjoyed spending time with her and acknowledge the shit timing of everything. Hope I didnt give you the wrong impression etc etc.
Only problem is she didnt answer her phone yesterday or today. Now she's not particularly reliable with calls or texts at the best of times and the last few times I've spoken to her theres not been any awkwardness or anything, so I trying not to read too much into that. But what should I do now? Call her again tomorrow and make it 3 nights in a row??? Pray for a chance encounter before she goes or just leave it, meaning we'll probably only see eachother once before September?
Or text her??

i realise how ridiculous this all sounds. But I can't just let things fizzle out and just be casual friends in the future. Not without trying first.

 

[Galeongirl]

Perhaps it's a bit much if you call three days in a row while she's not picking up. You could try texting her asking if she can call you as soon as she has time?

 

[Bonoa]

Perhaps it's a bit much if you call three days in a row while she's not picking up. You could try texting her asking if she can call you as soon as she has time?

Indeed the best thing you can do. If you call her three days in a row, it'll only upset her.

 

[Tuvok]

Ok so I decided to just text her about what was going on. Just got the reply I was dreading. She says she doesnt think she feels enough and doesnt want to lead me on.

This really sucks. Things were looking up until the date. We were getting on great and it didnt appear to be a case of her not fancying me or anything like that. So over the course of a few hours i've completely undone everything. After all the ups and downs i thought maybe things were starting to head in the right direction but no. there's no way back from this is there?

To make matters worse, this was my last big chance for a while to have a relationship. Next years my final year of study and Im being sent all over the place. And Im not the sort of guy who'll just hook up with random people. It takes time for me to get close. So that means Ill be well into my 20s without never having been that intimate with anyone. hurray.

 

[bigjohn2441]

dont worry, once you get a good job and start making good money, they'll be coming after you then

 

[anitram]

dont worry, once you get a good job and start making good money, they'll be coming after you then

Anyway, Tuvok, I wouldn't beat myself up over the date. I know that from where you're standing everything was probably okay prior to that but it could very well be the case that she was never that sure and used the date to see how you guys are one-on-one over the course of a few hours. Maybe she was already leaning towards no and just needed something to solidify it in her mind. It's probably unpleasant, but I really don't believe that you can blame yourself for what happened in the 3 hours that day...