Getting Married = Social suicide??

[The_acrobat]

I have been married for a year and a half, and so far, it's going pretty well! We respect each other, we enjoy doing things together, and yet we understand that each other has personal interests and seperate circles of friends, so we encourage each other to go out with our friends (Yes, no kids yet.)

The problem is with my friends. Ever since I got married, I'm suddenly out of the loop. I got married when I was 26. I had my wild college years, getting drunk every weekend (sometimes every night), Road trips, chasing girls around, etc. But then I graduated college, got a job, bought a house, got married, etc. I have real bills to pay, real stress to worry about. A lot of my single friends still go out to bars, continue hitting on college girls, and continue to live with their parents and have not a care in the world. I know I'm not a wet blanket. I still like a few beers, but I don't like the idea of getting wasted and being sick everywhere. I don't do shots anymore, I don't chain smoke when I drink anymore, and I don't really like all the moronic 21 year old girls that my 28 year old friends are drooling all over. These are the same guys I used to have everything in common with, and now I have nothing in common with them.

They act like me getting married, growing up and taking on adult responsibility is lame. They all brag about not having to worry about any bills (live with parents), and how they can stay out all night (no jobs) without any consequences. I have married friends also, but some of these guys I've been friends with my entire life. I don't want to lose them, but if I don't want to go with them to bars so they can hit on young girls, they don't want anything to do with me. Anybody else experienced anything like this?

 

[Vincent Vega]

I'm afraid over time you will lose them as friends if they don't change. The thing is not that you have become the boring adult, but that they have not matured since they were 21. They are in their loop of life and don't want to get out of there. For you, the world has continued to spin and you find yourself in a different situation now with a different way of living your life. If they cannot accept that and their only view of a perfect weekend is to get drunk and chase girls who can't be bothered by them (because seriously, you guys are old!). Long-term, it will be very hard to keep such friendships and as your focus shifts more and more you'll probably increasingly spend your time with friends who are in a similar situation at their life and such lose some friends while making some new ones.
Losing friends, especially those you've known for so many years, always sucks, but I think that is somewhat unavoidable at times.

 

[VintagePunk]

I don't know. I don't think it has to come down to losing them, but then that depends on the people involved. You've grown up and you have different priorities now. They haven't quite gotten there yet. Everyone has different timetables for growing up. In the next few years, maybe some of them will join you, maybe some of them never will.

Is there any way to maintain contact with them, until they do? Could you go out with them early in the night before they're completely sloshed, have a few drinks, then leave early, saying you have to work the next day or something? Do you have any common interests outside of drinking that you could do with them, like sports or something? I'd try that if possible, and see if they come around eventually.

 

[Liesje]

Marriage has not really changed my social life. Phil and I don't really do a lot of "couples" dates or things like that; we don't exclude friends who aren't married, nor do we make a point of making new friends who are married. We have mutual friends, he has old friends and friends from sports he plays, and I have my old friends plus a lot of new friends I met through training and working dogs. Most of my college friends that I am still very close with are not married (or the few who did get married but married the person they were already with in college, already in our group of friends). We don't see each other often b/c we've all moved around but when we do it's like nothing has really changed. The friends I made through dogs are a wide range of ages, so whether or not we are married and how old we are doesn't really factor in at all. I spent all day yesterday with a good friend who is older than my mom (her daughter is older than me). I like having friends where we have something in common other than age group and partying together at some point.

 

[coolian2]

I'm afraid over time you will lose them as friends if they don't change. The thing is not that you have become the boring adult, but that they have not matured since they were 21. They are in their loop of life and don't want to get out of there. For you, the world has continued to spin and you find yourself in a different situation now with a different way of living your life. If they cannot accept that and their only view of a perfect weekend is to get drunk and chase girls who can't be bothered by them (because seriously, you guys are old!). Long-term, it will be very hard to keep such friendships and as your focus shifts more and more you'll probably increasingly spend your time with friends who are in a similar situation at their life and such lose some friends while making some new ones.
Losing friends, especially those you've known for so many years, always sucks, but I think that is somewhat unavoidable at times.

good advice. like vp said as well, i wouldn't totally give up on them because eventually they might get to where you are.

we don't exclude friends who aren't married

it seems like in this situation that's reversed

 

[MissVelvetDress_75]

I hardly hang out with my married friends anymore. We have absolutely nothing in common. They have families and I do not. My path was not the same as theirs. They all got married young. I am in my 30s now and I am no longer living the crazy social scene as I once was and thank God but yeah, I no longer have that much in common with my married friends. Oh well.

 

[The_acrobat]

Sometimes my wife and I have tried going out with my single friends. My wife got along with them all very well before we got engaged. But now that we are married, it's like she MUST be the reason I don't go out with them all the time. It's true, most of the time I would rather spend quality time with my wife then go to loud bars and watch them unsuccessfully hit on girls (another topic for another thread perhaps... it can be quite humorous). But it's not like she won't let me go out. That's another issue I have with some of my friends. It's easy to blame the wife, but it really is my decision to stay home or leave for home early.

I'm not saying there is anything wrong with being single, or that I'm some sort of "marriage snob" who thinks single people are somehow less than myself. I remember when I was single, and sometimes it was a lot of fun. I made a lot of great memories. I'm still a fun lovin' guy. I aspire to have good conversations, drink good beer and listen to good music with my friends. Maybe I just need to try harder to find common interests with them besides drinking/bars. For a long time, that was all we knew and all we did. And I accept that I'll lose contact and eventually not know some of them. I guess there's a reason why my father doesn't still get together with his high school/college friends very often, yet he's got a good life.

I just wish I didn't feel so alienated and discriminated against for doing something that is not very uncommon for people my age to do.

 

[Liesje]

If they are alienating you and discriminating against you and you no longer have anything in common, are they really "friends"?

 

[Got Philk?]

My take is simply this. Your friends are at a different place in life than you are. I have the same thing actually. I went back to school at 26 and took classes with 21-22 year olds. Sometimes I would be invited to parties by my classmates, but every time I thought, "yeah, I should go sometime." I knew I would never go...I just kind of knew those days were done.

But I think that you see where they are at and have no desire to go there. The frustrating part is that you and I (I'm 28) are like stuck between the immature and the older ones who... have kids. If you come up with any sort of plan where you find people to hang out with your age, let me know ok?

So in closing, yes getting married changes things...and there's nothing we can do about it.

Hey, wanna hang out?

 

[blueeyedgirl]

I
Is there any way to maintain contact with them, until they do? Could you go out with them early in the night before they're completely sloshed, have a few drinks, then leave early, saying you have to work the next day or something? Do you have any common interests outside of drinking that you could do with them, like sports or something? I'd try that if possible, and see if they come around eventually.

That's very good advice. Try to meet them outside of the pub, like have a barbeque at your house, or go see a game or go to the beach or whatever you're close to.

I had the opposite problem: I was newly divorced and all my friends were coupled up. I stopped accepting their dinner party invites cos it was getting like Bridget Jones I started meeting my girlfriends for coffee instead

 

[Vincent Vega]

good advice. like vp said as well, i wouldn't totally give up on them because eventually they might get to where you are.

Yes, I maybe should've worded it a little less definite. Of course there is a chance and giving up on them just like that shouldn't be the way. What I tried to say is that sometimes friends don't stay friends forever. Losing and picking up new ones is a process. You should certainly try to keep in touch whenever possible, and in a few years the situation may look totally different, but for example if it's a one-sided experiment it hardly ever works out. So out of a crowd of ten friends you may end up with eight in the long-term, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try for the other two as well.

 

[Galeongirl]

If they are alienating you and discriminating against you and you no longer have anything in common, are they really "friends"?

That was what I was thinking when I read his post. These 'friends' don't seem like great guys to be friends with to me, and if they can't grow up, you can't change that. Then maybe it's better to go your own way and hope they'll come around somewhere in the future.

 

[Bonoa]

good advice. like vp said as well, i wouldn't totally give up on them because eventually they might get to where you are.

I wanted to add that if they were real friends, they would still hang out with you and your wife!

 

[last unicorn]

I have friends who are married or in long-term-relationships, with or without families, and I have friends who, like myself, aren't. I appreciate all of them, unless they exclude me from their lives or discriminate me because I don't have a family. I have known quite a few people who do that, but they aren't my "friends" any longer. Real friends don't leave you just because you lead a different social life, no matter if you are the married one of if it's the other way around.

 

[redhotswami]

i'm thinking being 28, unemployed, living with the parents, and chasing after 21 year olds is social suicide...but that's just me.


i am 28 and unemployed...but 2 out of 4 ain't bad, M I RITE?

 

[coolian2]

i'm thinking being 28, unemployed, living with the parents, and chasing after 21 year olds is social suicide...but that's just me.


i am 28 and unemployed...but 2 out of 4 ain't bad, M I RITE?

i'm 21

 

[KhanadaRhodes]

i'm thinking being 28, unemployed, living with the parents, and chasing after 21 year olds is social suicide...but that's just me.


i am 28 and unemployed...but 2 out of 4 ain't bad, M I RITE?

GOIN TO DA BARZ IZ KEWL

(idk)

btw bite me een

 

[redhotswami]

i'm 21

well, 3 out of 4 then?

GOIN TO DA BARZ IZ KEWL

(idk)

hey now, i do enjoy me some shots! depends on the bar, though. it's def much cheaper to stay at home and crunk it up.

 

[coolian2]

btw bite me een

with pleasure :chomp:

well, 3 out of 4 then?



hey now, i do enjoy me some shots! depends on the bar, though. it's def much cheaper to stay at home and crunk it up.

approve of everything in this post

 

[mysterious_jen]

I have been married for a year and a half, and so far, it's going pretty well! We respect each other, we enjoy doing things together, and yet we understand that each other has personal interests and seperate circles of friends, so we encourage each other to go out with our friends (Yes, no kids yet.)

The problem is with my friends. Ever since I got married, I'm suddenly out of the loop. I got married when I was 26. I had my wild college years, getting drunk every weekend (sometimes every night), Road trips, chasing girls around, etc. But then I graduated college, got a job, bought a house, got married, etc. I have real bills to pay, real stress to worry about. A lot of my single friends still go out to bars, continue hitting on college girls, and continue to live with their parents and have not a care in the world. I know I'm not a wet blanket. I still like a few beers, but I don't like the idea of getting wasted and being sick everywhere. I don't do shots anymore, I don't chain smoke when I drink anymore, and I don't really like all the moronic 21 year old girls that my 28 year old friends are drooling all over. These are the same guys I used to have everything in common with, and now I have nothing in common with them.

They act like me getting married, growing up and taking on adult responsibility is lame. They all brag about not having to worry about any bills (live with parents), and how they can stay out all night (no jobs) without any consequences. I have married friends also, but some of these guys I've been friends with my entire life. I don't want to lose them, but if I don't want to go with them to bars so they can hit on young girls, they don't want anything to do with me. Anybody else experienced anything like this?

Its not social suicide, its growing up , and you will be the better person for it. and they will be aimless bums.

i was out til 3 am saturday morning with some "friends" for the first time in years , and you know what, sure i had fun but the only thing i wanted was to go home and be with my man. its a disgusting meat market out there.

 

[financeguy]

I have been married for a year and a half, and so far, it's going pretty well! We respect each other, we enjoy doing things together, and yet we understand that each other has personal interests and seperate circles of friends, so we encourage each other to go out with our friends (Yes, no kids yet.)

The problem is with my friends. Ever since I got married, I'm suddenly out of the loop. I got married when I was 26. I had my wild college years, getting drunk every weekend (sometimes every night), Road trips, chasing girls around, etc. But then I graduated college, got a job, bought a house, got married, etc. I have real bills to pay, real stress to worry about. A lot of my single friends still go out to bars, continue hitting on college girls, and continue to live with their parents and have not a care in the world. I know I'm not a wet blanket. I still like a few beers, but I don't like the idea of getting wasted and being sick everywhere. I don't do shots anymore, I don't chain smoke when I drink anymore, and I don't really like all the moronic 21 year old girls that my 28 year old friends are drooling all over. These are the same guys I used to have everything in common with, and now I have nothing in common with them.

They act like me getting married, growing up and taking on adult responsibility is lame. They all brag about not having to worry about any bills (live with parents), and how they can stay out all night (no jobs) without any consequences. I have married friends also, but some of these guys I've been friends with my entire life. I don't want to lose them, but if I don't want to go with them to bars so they can hit on young girls, they don't want anything to do with me. Anybody else experienced anything like this?

I think what you should try and decide is whether they are real friends or just people you happened to go drinking with, before you married.

I'm at the age that a good number, probably the majority of my friends are married but I still meet up with them on a regular basis, although it's now more meals in restaurants and bottles of half-decent wine rather that going night clubbing and the like.

You've grown up a bit faster than your friends, but it doesn't necessarily mean you have to ditch them - I personally don't see anything wrong with still going out on lads' nights out or girls' nights out at 28 or even older. That said, if they're still living at home and hitting on college chicks at 28 - yeah, it's probably time they started thinking about growing up.