scatteroflight
Refugee
This is all...happily...getting a little bit old, at last, but as I happen to be on here tonight for the first time in ages, I thought I might post about it and get some of your opinions. I hope. 
In February, a guy who I was good friends with asked me to go out with him. I said yes. I was both very happy and not surprised. At that point we'd known each other for a bit over a year, though we had only been really good friends for about four months, both being people who take time to develop close friendships. I'd had an inkling from about December that maybe he liked me and maybe I liked him. My doubts at first stemmed from the fact that he was 20 and I was 24, a full four years older than him. I had absolutely never seen myself going out with a younger guy--certainly not that much younger, especially as I knew that with both genders and maybe especially with guys there can be a huge difference in that four-year period. However, by the time I figured that he was going to ask me out sooner or later--actually, I was getting to the point where I was going to ask him if he didn't make a move--I had decided that the age thing did not really matter as we seemed to connect so well and have such great conversations. He asked me out at the end of a week long ski trip in Andorra with friends. It was a pretty nice week--the skiing was fun, and being with friends but especially us flirting gently, exchanging looks, and finally staying up all night because the bus was so early the next morning, cuddling a bit, and then him asking me out the next day.
The first month was pretty fantastic. We just acted like completely in love idiots but it was so nice. It just felt normal and good and right to be with him, a development of our friendship. We seemed to be able to talk about whatever...perhaps I noticed already that I was the only one who tended to bring up anything really serious but he would respond well. After a month I felt pretty darn happy. And so did he. He kept telling me how happy he was, all the time. He asked me at the end of the first month how I felt we were doing and we were both happy about it, there was no awkwardness, etc.
About five weeks after we started going out, we had a conversation one night which completely freaked me out. All I knew was that I'd been a bit grumpy, with stress and tiredness, for about a week previously, but that he'd seemed to take it really well, and then after I started feeling more my usual self, he'd had a few days where he seemed down and unlike himself...or, more accurately, unlike the really happy guy I had known over the previous month. He asked me how I thought we were doing, and after I responded positively, told me that although he'd been super happy for the first month, for the past week or ten days he'd started feeling more "depressed again like my usual old self" and it worried him. He was like "I just think it's worth noting." Needless to say, this worried me too. I didn't really know how to respond but I asked if it was something to do with me or if I could help somehow. He said no, not really, it was him and not me (uh huh, more or less those fateful words). I was definitely upset but trying not to show it. I already knew that he had had a previous relationship when he was 17-18 where he'd been with the girl for nine months and then she took off on him with another guy. He had been totally traumatized and it took him a long time to get over it, apparently. I wondered if it had to do with that, but in any case I was really upset by our conversation. I told him so the next day, when I was having a bit of a meltdown. He was apologetic and said he'd actually felt much better after talking to me about how he was feeling. I thought that was pretty much it.
A couple of weeks later I headed off for a trip to Australia which I had planned a good while before the start of the relationship. It was a month long trip but there was no question of cancelling it either. on the way out I joined my boyfriend and a couple of mutual friends for a few days in New York...a trip he had also planned well before we started going out, and actually I'd talked about meeting them for a few days also before we started going out. UP to a point, I enjoyed the time in New York, but by the last day I was frustrated. He's a very good photographer, and I always enjoyed his enjoyment at taking photos, but it started to seem like he just wanted to take pictures and barely wanted me around. The last evening came down to me saying "I felt like your camera was more important to you on this trip than I was." Which perhaps I should not have said, but I was just unhappy and frustrated--and he had known I was frustrated, and just continued dragging me around without regard for what I was interested in seeing, or paying attention to me. We didn't exactly have a fight, but we both got upset. However, I ended up thinking we were ok when I left for Oz the next day--we had apologized to each other and we exchanged some more texts which seemed like everything was ok. I went off a bit sorry that our last evening had been like that, but not obsessing. The trip was fantastic, but of course I missed him enormously the whole time and did feel like I was being selfish by going off and leaving him for a month.
I got back and was home for two weeks before leaving for a week to Prague, a trip which was unavoidably scheduled for that time, though I felt bad about leaving him again. But though I only really realized it in retrospect, things deterioriated basically right after I got back from down under. Even the first time I saw him after I got back--he did seem really happy to see me, but then he started telling me he felt "weird" and "didn't know why" which was a bit upsetting for me. the first weekend was good but about a week after my return we had another upsetting conversation. He didn't think we were doing so well...he acknowledged that he wasn't as happy as he had been the first month, but didnt't know why...when I wanted to know WHY I couldn't help he said it was the one thing you couldn't rationalize...and when I made remarks about not expecting perfection, and how relationships required work and effort, he said "I don't think a good relationship should basically require any work for the first year at least...you should be so happy it should just happen." He started telling me, in this conversation and others, that he was having doubts about us because when he'd been with the girl who eventually left him, he had felt invincible, wonderful all the time, never alone, and he had missed her more when she went away than he missed me when I was away. He also told me that he felt like New York should have been perfect and it worried him that it hadn't been. Of course I felt like that was completely my fault, though he did not come out and say so. He didn't blame anything on me at all but it was the way I ended up feeling. I started apologizing repeatedly for New York. I got increasingly upset over the next few days--while he told me that, again, he was feeling better having got things off his chest--and a couple of days later called him up sobbing and saying I wasn't making him happy. He assured me that he was...but I know, especially now, that I was starting to feel really insecure.
Anyway, sorry to drag this out so much, but a week after I got back from Prague he broke up with me. The last week was pretty bad really. In Prague we'd texted each other a lot, he sent me many messages--as he always had--telling me how much he loved me, and so on. SO I came back happy I wouldn't be going anywhere without him for a while--and we had conversations where he would tell me he loved me and cared so much about me, and in the same breath that he didn't feel it was working because he was too uncertain and depressed and so on. He broke up with me when we were having an almost-argument--we never really had arguments--related to money; our attitudes were pretty different. He was like "we shouldn't be having these conversations." And that was it. He told me a couple of days later that he wanted to keep my friendship, that he'd meant it when he said he loved me but there are different kinds of love...etc. That he hadn't really been happy, that New York was so different from Andorra--he suggested that the ski trip in Andorra, before we started going out, was the best part of the relationship. Because of the "buzzy feeling." And apparently "the spark was gone." Exact words. He also told me, as he had when we started going out, that I was unlike anyone he'd ever known and that he was sure I could rebuild a friendship with him because of that.
I was completely shattered. This was basically my first real relationship (or something that felt like real). Despite the shortness of the relationship, I have never been so shattered by anything. I blamed myself for everything first...and then started to get angry at him. He analyzed everything to death while we were together--except why he might be feeling that way, because it was something you couldn't rationalize--and then when we broke up all analysis ceased...because it hadn't worked, end of story. On some fairly important levels I begged to differ. With the benefit of hindsight, I realized that we weren't that good for each other in some significant ways--and also that his expectations for a relationship were unrealistic and selfish. But in a way I also felt that I'd never know if it would have worked between us...because he did not try. He sat back and put less effort into the relationship than he did in developing a friendship with me, because it was supposed to "just happen." I realize that in a way my attitude is illogical and contradictory, because on one hand I was --eventually--simply relieved that it was over, but on the other hand, I felt like he had never tried enough for us to know. I also found out a bit more about the previous relationship--that others had a very different perspective on it, that she had issues that he didn't help her with at all because he was off in his own happy little world, and he didnt' see the breakup coming but everyone else did. He had hurt me so much by telling me that he was happier with her than with me...
I experienced a lot of doubts about myself afterward, for not noticing the way things were going, not breaking it off myself. SOme people told me that it was to my credit that I wanted to work at it, unlike his attitude, but I still had doubts--maybe I was just desperate? I eventually wrote him a letter because I so desperately had to let him know why I had been so angry and hurt in the aftermath--and hurt even when we were together, I realized later. He texted me and told me that he appreciated me writing him but that he now knew more than ever that I didn't really know him because of what I had written about his feelings--that he hadn't expected perfection (though he had often used that word) and that he so wanted it to work between us but it simply hadn't worked (not that he had tried, just that he had wanted). I was pretty mad and we had a nasty exchange, but in a strange way it maybe cleared the air, because we were both at a wedding the next day and were able to talk more like normal human beings than at any point since the breakup, and kind of apologized for some unwise texts. But I don't think he wants to talk about it more than that--I think he is afraid of a lot of things; hearing the truth, and especially being forced to change, even to change things about himself he doesn't like...
Oh my goodness, this is so long probably no one will read it. I just wonder--was he really right about the "sometimes it just doesnt work" thing? In a way I agree, but I feel that if you care about someone as much as he claimed to, you should put in more effort, concentrate more on their feelings than your own--something I always tried to do with him--and not obsess about not being one hundred percent happy all the time.
If anyone wants to comment on any aspect of this, PLEASE.
Thanks...
In February, a guy who I was good friends with asked me to go out with him. I said yes. I was both very happy and not surprised. At that point we'd known each other for a bit over a year, though we had only been really good friends for about four months, both being people who take time to develop close friendships. I'd had an inkling from about December that maybe he liked me and maybe I liked him. My doubts at first stemmed from the fact that he was 20 and I was 24, a full four years older than him. I had absolutely never seen myself going out with a younger guy--certainly not that much younger, especially as I knew that with both genders and maybe especially with guys there can be a huge difference in that four-year period. However, by the time I figured that he was going to ask me out sooner or later--actually, I was getting to the point where I was going to ask him if he didn't make a move--I had decided that the age thing did not really matter as we seemed to connect so well and have such great conversations. He asked me out at the end of a week long ski trip in Andorra with friends. It was a pretty nice week--the skiing was fun, and being with friends but especially us flirting gently, exchanging looks, and finally staying up all night because the bus was so early the next morning, cuddling a bit, and then him asking me out the next day.
The first month was pretty fantastic. We just acted like completely in love idiots but it was so nice. It just felt normal and good and right to be with him, a development of our friendship. We seemed to be able to talk about whatever...perhaps I noticed already that I was the only one who tended to bring up anything really serious but he would respond well. After a month I felt pretty darn happy. And so did he. He kept telling me how happy he was, all the time. He asked me at the end of the first month how I felt we were doing and we were both happy about it, there was no awkwardness, etc.
About five weeks after we started going out, we had a conversation one night which completely freaked me out. All I knew was that I'd been a bit grumpy, with stress and tiredness, for about a week previously, but that he'd seemed to take it really well, and then after I started feeling more my usual self, he'd had a few days where he seemed down and unlike himself...or, more accurately, unlike the really happy guy I had known over the previous month. He asked me how I thought we were doing, and after I responded positively, told me that although he'd been super happy for the first month, for the past week or ten days he'd started feeling more "depressed again like my usual old self" and it worried him. He was like "I just think it's worth noting." Needless to say, this worried me too. I didn't really know how to respond but I asked if it was something to do with me or if I could help somehow. He said no, not really, it was him and not me (uh huh, more or less those fateful words). I was definitely upset but trying not to show it. I already knew that he had had a previous relationship when he was 17-18 where he'd been with the girl for nine months and then she took off on him with another guy. He had been totally traumatized and it took him a long time to get over it, apparently. I wondered if it had to do with that, but in any case I was really upset by our conversation. I told him so the next day, when I was having a bit of a meltdown. He was apologetic and said he'd actually felt much better after talking to me about how he was feeling. I thought that was pretty much it.
A couple of weeks later I headed off for a trip to Australia which I had planned a good while before the start of the relationship. It was a month long trip but there was no question of cancelling it either. on the way out I joined my boyfriend and a couple of mutual friends for a few days in New York...a trip he had also planned well before we started going out, and actually I'd talked about meeting them for a few days also before we started going out. UP to a point, I enjoyed the time in New York, but by the last day I was frustrated. He's a very good photographer, and I always enjoyed his enjoyment at taking photos, but it started to seem like he just wanted to take pictures and barely wanted me around. The last evening came down to me saying "I felt like your camera was more important to you on this trip than I was." Which perhaps I should not have said, but I was just unhappy and frustrated--and he had known I was frustrated, and just continued dragging me around without regard for what I was interested in seeing, or paying attention to me. We didn't exactly have a fight, but we both got upset. However, I ended up thinking we were ok when I left for Oz the next day--we had apologized to each other and we exchanged some more texts which seemed like everything was ok. I went off a bit sorry that our last evening had been like that, but not obsessing. The trip was fantastic, but of course I missed him enormously the whole time and did feel like I was being selfish by going off and leaving him for a month.
I got back and was home for two weeks before leaving for a week to Prague, a trip which was unavoidably scheduled for that time, though I felt bad about leaving him again. But though I only really realized it in retrospect, things deterioriated basically right after I got back from down under. Even the first time I saw him after I got back--he did seem really happy to see me, but then he started telling me he felt "weird" and "didn't know why" which was a bit upsetting for me. the first weekend was good but about a week after my return we had another upsetting conversation. He didn't think we were doing so well...he acknowledged that he wasn't as happy as he had been the first month, but didnt't know why...when I wanted to know WHY I couldn't help he said it was the one thing you couldn't rationalize...and when I made remarks about not expecting perfection, and how relationships required work and effort, he said "I don't think a good relationship should basically require any work for the first year at least...you should be so happy it should just happen." He started telling me, in this conversation and others, that he was having doubts about us because when he'd been with the girl who eventually left him, he had felt invincible, wonderful all the time, never alone, and he had missed her more when she went away than he missed me when I was away. He also told me that he felt like New York should have been perfect and it worried him that it hadn't been. Of course I felt like that was completely my fault, though he did not come out and say so. He didn't blame anything on me at all but it was the way I ended up feeling. I started apologizing repeatedly for New York. I got increasingly upset over the next few days--while he told me that, again, he was feeling better having got things off his chest--and a couple of days later called him up sobbing and saying I wasn't making him happy. He assured me that he was...but I know, especially now, that I was starting to feel really insecure.
Anyway, sorry to drag this out so much, but a week after I got back from Prague he broke up with me. The last week was pretty bad really. In Prague we'd texted each other a lot, he sent me many messages--as he always had--telling me how much he loved me, and so on. SO I came back happy I wouldn't be going anywhere without him for a while--and we had conversations where he would tell me he loved me and cared so much about me, and in the same breath that he didn't feel it was working because he was too uncertain and depressed and so on. He broke up with me when we were having an almost-argument--we never really had arguments--related to money; our attitudes were pretty different. He was like "we shouldn't be having these conversations." And that was it. He told me a couple of days later that he wanted to keep my friendship, that he'd meant it when he said he loved me but there are different kinds of love...etc. That he hadn't really been happy, that New York was so different from Andorra--he suggested that the ski trip in Andorra, before we started going out, was the best part of the relationship. Because of the "buzzy feeling." And apparently "the spark was gone." Exact words. He also told me, as he had when we started going out, that I was unlike anyone he'd ever known and that he was sure I could rebuild a friendship with him because of that.
I was completely shattered. This was basically my first real relationship (or something that felt like real). Despite the shortness of the relationship, I have never been so shattered by anything. I blamed myself for everything first...and then started to get angry at him. He analyzed everything to death while we were together--except why he might be feeling that way, because it was something you couldn't rationalize--and then when we broke up all analysis ceased...because it hadn't worked, end of story. On some fairly important levels I begged to differ. With the benefit of hindsight, I realized that we weren't that good for each other in some significant ways--and also that his expectations for a relationship were unrealistic and selfish. But in a way I also felt that I'd never know if it would have worked between us...because he did not try. He sat back and put less effort into the relationship than he did in developing a friendship with me, because it was supposed to "just happen." I realize that in a way my attitude is illogical and contradictory, because on one hand I was --eventually--simply relieved that it was over, but on the other hand, I felt like he had never tried enough for us to know. I also found out a bit more about the previous relationship--that others had a very different perspective on it, that she had issues that he didn't help her with at all because he was off in his own happy little world, and he didnt' see the breakup coming but everyone else did. He had hurt me so much by telling me that he was happier with her than with me...
I experienced a lot of doubts about myself afterward, for not noticing the way things were going, not breaking it off myself. SOme people told me that it was to my credit that I wanted to work at it, unlike his attitude, but I still had doubts--maybe I was just desperate? I eventually wrote him a letter because I so desperately had to let him know why I had been so angry and hurt in the aftermath--and hurt even when we were together, I realized later. He texted me and told me that he appreciated me writing him but that he now knew more than ever that I didn't really know him because of what I had written about his feelings--that he hadn't expected perfection (though he had often used that word) and that he so wanted it to work between us but it simply hadn't worked (not that he had tried, just that he had wanted). I was pretty mad and we had a nasty exchange, but in a strange way it maybe cleared the air, because we were both at a wedding the next day and were able to talk more like normal human beings than at any point since the breakup, and kind of apologized for some unwise texts. But I don't think he wants to talk about it more than that--I think he is afraid of a lot of things; hearing the truth, and especially being forced to change, even to change things about himself he doesn't like...
Oh my goodness, this is so long probably no one will read it. I just wonder--was he really right about the "sometimes it just doesnt work" thing? In a way I agree, but I feel that if you care about someone as much as he claimed to, you should put in more effort, concentrate more on their feelings than your own--something I always tried to do with him--and not obsess about not being one hundred percent happy all the time.
If anyone wants to comment on any aspect of this, PLEASE.
Thanks...
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