depression

[Zoomerang96]

hello there

out of curiousity, any of you lot who've gone through depression mind explaining for the rest of us how it came about, how long it lasted, and how you eventually came through?

what triggered it?

was it really... a case of mind over matter?

did you usually feel there was NO way out?

did you have really good days, followed by bad ones? a constant roller-coaster?

if you don't mind, please invest as many details you feel comfortable with.

i believe there's a few people here who'd benefit from hearing your experience.

thanks

 

[Mr. Green Eyes]

Sure. Back in 2003, I was a freshman in high school. I go to a boarding school, have since freshman year, but anyway it was my first time away from home for a long period of time. I missed my family a lot. Never mind the fact that I was in a new place, having to deal with the shocking amount of homework (at the time), and just feeling very lonely. Plus I was very shy, had a very low-self image of myself, and I had this horrible science teacher who just made me feel terrible. He got very upset just because I filled a test tube with a tiny amount of to much water, yelling at me, asking why my hand was shacky. I felt like I was going to break down, start crying. A nice kid in the class, tried to help me, telling me that it was alright, but I lose my cool, and yelled at him. Anyway, we had the same classes ever day, at the some time, so I had the science class 1st period everyday, but then I had my favorite class, Literature right after, so that put a little ray of sunshine to my day.

I just felt terrible for most of the year, I couldn't sleep, hardly ate anything (ended up losing 15 pounds), and I couldn't concreate on my school work or classes. I knew that there was something worong, but I didn't take any meds for it, but I did end up seeing the school shrink from Febuary to the end of school for that year.

I would say that it was kind of a constant roller-coaster ride of emotions, just about anything would set off a bad day. I would be having a good day, then one thing would happen and my day would take a complete 180 degrees turn. Luckly, by the end of the year, I had gotten a bit better, and I had a small group of friends (which was new, I only had 3 friends before I went to high school), and the science teacher was leaving.

I still feel upset sometimes, like it'll be a great day, and then something small would happen, and it would just make the rest of the day feel just really terrible. But it's not as bad as in freshman year, I've gotten use to living away from home, I have some amazing friends who I can tell anything to, and the teachers are all very helpful and understanding. Um... I think that's about it, if I can think of anything else, I'll add to this. I hope that this helps anyone out there who is severing through depression.

 

[Got Philk?]

I never was diagnosed as depressed, but I know I was not right.

I had just moved from Wisconsin to Iowa because of my dad's work. It was the summer before 8th grade and that 7th grade year was probably one of the best years of my life. I had a lot of cool friends that I had to leave. Just being in a new place with different people was hard enough. But within a year, the friends I had made all ditched me and I was alone basically from the start of high school until my Sophomore year.

The main things I remember was a constant feeling that I wasn't ever good enough. I realized this and because of that, I stopped doing the things I liked to do in fear I wouldn't be good enough. The biggest one I can think of was Basketball. I still played on the team, but in free time and weekends, I remember my mom saying, "why don't you go shoot some hoops." I would just sit on the couch watching tv or playing games.

I remember that and that feeling that I was alone. I can't even tell you how many times I cried myself to sleep. Or worse, i would wake up dreading going to school because of those kids who ended up ditching me. They made it very clear I wasn't at their level when they could.

It took a number of things to help me. A basketball camp I was terrified to go to made me realize I can make really cool friends and people actually do care. And that there is way more to life than being on top all the time. Right after that, I made a friend. He was very annoying. But he led me to way more friends and I still think highly of this guy to this day. And you know what gets my mind off of it all still to this day? Drums and percussion.

The biggest thing of all that helped me was going off to college. I got away from my high school an was alone in this new place. The difference between college and moving though was nobody really had a place, you know? Like everyone I met was new to this college so it was like starting a-new so to speak.

Of course I still get down some times. Not near as bad, but I am still quite in tune to the others around me. I have a hard time maintaining good friendships, and I wonder if that is because of a fear of rejection still. I meet lots of people. I am outgoing, but it is rare for me to have a large group of very close friends. That was hard come to think of it, for me around my wedding. But overall, I am really doing well these days and have been for a while.

 

[Copy]

there's a big difference between a depression that has an actual, concrete cause and a depression that just seems to hit a person all of a sudden. the former can be resolved if the cause can be removed or solved, while the latter might require meds.

 

[love2bmama]

^^ that is an excellent point. There are times that anyone is going to be depressed...extra stress, a death, a break up, whatever. In those times, it's normal to be down, and that's not the same as a clinical depression which is a medical condition.

 

[U2Man]

some of the worst kinds of depressions are the ones that are triggered by some kind of serious illness that cannot be treated, because they can be very hard to get rid of. it's hard for an individual to accept that he has to live with some life-threatening illness of a sudden.

 

[ylimeU2]

I've just recently started back on meds for treating depression. I probably never should have been off of it in the first place, but I wanted to go off, against my doctor's advice.

For me, I don't know that there was a trigger, per say. My parents divorced when I was young, but overall, I had a fantastic childhood. My parents remained close and both had new relationships. It wasn't until I was in middle school when things started to go downhill. It was fairly sudden, I think. I went from a straight A student to pretty much flunking everything. I had a good attendance record (I wasn't one to go to school when I was sick) and I started skipping and just sleeping all day. I stopped doing things I loved, including soccer, ballet, and choir.

It wasn't a case of mind over matter. Well, for awhile I could pull it off. Get my grades up, drag myself around. But it always ending up feeling like too much, so it would all fall apart again.

I was diagnosed with clinical depression and social anxiety disorder during the summer between middle school and the start of high school. I barely passed the 8th grade, literally squeaking by with D's. My dad knew that wasn't me, and so did my teachers because my test scores were okay, so they all figured it had to be something else. I started taking medicine and I was more or less okay throughout high school.

A few years later and things were going really good for me. I moved out on my own and started college. And then, I made the decision to stop with the meds. This has all been over the past couple of years, so I can say with certainty that it does indeed feel like there is no way out. I had no self confidence at all, so everything I did seemed pointless to me. I dropped out of college. And my new friends here weren't close enough to know me, and really understand, so I lost touch with all of them. Day after day, I just felt like I was spinning wheels. I hated my job, which had started out as part time to help with school, but I ended up full time after dropping out. I left that and it took me a year before I even looked into getting another one. I blew interviews because my opinion of myself was so low, I would end up telling the interviewer all faults and nothing good. Who would hire me?

It really is just a downward spiral. I started just sort of feeling bad and that effected everything else. I can't really describe it. And it is very, very lonely. Mainly because I isolated myself, but I didn't think anyone wanted to be around me.

I personally didn't have good moments. I'm not certain, but I think that is more characteristic of bipolar, which I'm not. I just felt an overwhelming sadness all the time.

But I am back on meds now. Lower does and a different med from what I had taken. I still have really low days, but the medication I do take helps, and I am seeing a new therapist. I do hope that I can put all this behind me at some point, but if I have to take medication all my life, I guess, so be it.

 

[Zoomerang96]

oh man, that hurts to read that ylime.

thanks to everyone else for posting what they did.

i'm not comfortable for a variety of reasons to post my issues, but they've been there pretty much since day one.

but it seems with age, these things are wearing me out even more so.

the last thing i EVER want to do is go on meds. i don't think anything in the world could convince me to do that.

thanks again, and really... all my best goes to you.

 

[AtomicBono]

the last thing i EVER want to do is go on meds. i don't think anything in the world could convince me to do that.

why is that? is it because you don't want to have to rely on something, or you really don't think you need them, or you don't want them to make you numb, or what?

I started taking antidepressants in the fourth grade. Took them up through sohpomore year, when I stopped. I lied and said I slowly took myself off them because I didn't need them anymore, which of course made everyone proud of me - omg you're such a better person now that you're not on antidepressants! . What really happened is I was very upset and purposely overdosed on some pills. Once you do that they don't work anymore, not for awhile anyway. And I figured the reason I was so upset was that I was in love with this guy and I also figured that antidepressants weren't going to help - at least, they hadn't been - and I didn't want to be on medication my whole life. But now maybe I need meds again. I dunno. i really hate the idea of taking pills to make myself feel better because i feel like, well, it's just dumb issues in my life and I shouldn't need pills to deal with them, I should just deal with them myself; everyone has problems. but it could be that my problems are chemical. that's why they put me on drugs in the first place

whenever i'm depressed i have mood swings... sometimes i feel happy, often times i feel okay, and then I also feel varying degrees of sadness, to the point where I feel hopeless and have trouble not crying and stuff (so far i've managed to not cry in front of anyone but it can be difficult). like Mr. Green Eyes said, you'll be fine and then something small will happen and it will just ruin your day.

zoomerang, whatever issues you have, i hope you're able to deal with them. I have to tell you, listening to too much Radiohead is a sign of depression, at least it was for me last year there were days I'd go to school fucked up on pills and put my head down in class and listen to Kid A. I love Radiohead but it ain't happy music.

 

[love2bmama]

I'm sorry anyone has to deal with depression. It's a horrible feeling. I'm really choosing my words carefully here, it would be so easy for me to go on and on but I really just want to say hang in there, it will get better. Do little things for yourself that will help you feel better, take care of yourself. Talk to people around you, even if it's just some u2 fans you've never met IRL. Just hang on, it will get better.

 

[PJW]

the last thing i EVER want to do is go on meds. i don't think anything in the world could convince me to do that.

I don't have time to go into too much detail now, but I once said exactly the same thing, before starting to see a psychiatrist for chronic depression. After a couple of sessions, and a lot of history, she pointed out that it ran in my family, and drugs would probably be the best thing. The side effects for the first few days were dreadful (I'm very sensitive to most medications), but they did the trick. I also had some counselling later on, and still have my bad days, but nothing like what I used to go through.

I'd also like to point out that studies have found that depression which starts out as a reaction to a situation (eg death of a loved one) will actually cause a chemical change in the brain if it continues long enough. In these situation, medication can help to get over a hurdle and help counselling to work better.

For the record, I weaned myself off my meds (under a doctor's supervision), in spite of the original pysch saying I should take them until I got pregnant - I'd still be on them over 10 years later, and I just don't need them any more.

 

[U2Man]

zoomerang, whatever issues you have, i hope you're able to deal with them. I have to tell you, listening to too much Radiohead is a sign of depression, at least it was for me last year there were days I'd go to school fucked up on pills and put my head down in class and listen to Kid A. I love Radiohead but it ain't happy music.

i was about to post this.

thom yorke suffers from bipolar depression himself, doesnt he?

 

[girlhappy]

i was about to post this.

thom yorke suffers from bipolar depression himself, doesnt he?

OMG, and i just become more interested in that guy and Radiohead

 

[Angela Harlem]

My depression was postnatal, so I doubt you can gain much from my story, zoomer. It took me a ridiculous amount of time to seek proper help, and given the state I was in, it was downright stupid. And destructive. I lost a lot from the experience. This is where I am supposed to wax lyrical about what I gained from the pain and suffering - which, dont get me wrong, is definitely there, but it is a little moot. True depression is not something mind over matter attitudes can overcome. When I saw the last doctor who really got everything going well, he stated simply to my horror and resistance to drugs that it's not something I will just get over. I had a choice. To continue for an undetermined amount of time as I was, or to accept the one thing which would stabilise me to get my life back together. I repeated a few times that I wanted to know how to feel normal and to be able to manage. The medication is simply an unblocker so I could finally function again. It might be asked 'is it me or the medication which is making me function now?' and all I can say is no such drug exists which can perform the things we fail to do while depressed. The drugs will sort you out so you can resume your life, or begin it, as the case might be. Maybe look at it this way; you drive a car to get you around, you use an inhaler because you have asthma, you go to uni because you want a certain career, you brush your teeth so you dont get cavities, you water your grass so it doesn't die. Means to an end.

Zoom, you've got a limited amount of time left on this earth. You've got plans and things to do. Seize the day, mate. Pick up your weapons, whether they be drugs or some fancy old counselling, and get on with the good stuff. Say "Fuck it. You aren't going to ruin me. I'm too busy."

 

[ylimeU2]

I don't know your reason for not wanting to go on meds, but I do have a couple of things to say. I think it is important for me to add though that it is a very personal choice in the end, and if isn't what you want, there are other options. A good therapist/pyschologist/phychatrist should except your decision and be willing to try alternatives.

The drugs used historically did, as I understand it, made one feel numb. I think there is still a common misconception about it now, though. I have in mind the scene in Garden State where Braff's character is talking about stopping his meds and how he was on them so long, he didn't know what normal felt like (or something along those lines). There are lots of options and I know first hand that you do not feel numb to everything. I feel happy at times, I get down at times. The only thing I don't feel is that overwhelming sadness that kept me from living my life. Depression has been proven to be an unbalance of chemicals. It is not just in your head. There are things that help correct that.

I don't like having to take a pill everyday so I can be "normal". I don't think anyone does. Considering the alternative, though, I've learned to accept it and just be glad there is something that can help. No one needs to know you are taking them. That is between you and who prescribed them.

Whatever is going on in your life, just know that there is help available and it can get better. There are choices open to how you approach it. It may be hard to take the steps to get help, but it is worth it. And ultimately, you are the one who needs to take control and say enough is enough and it is time to see if I can live a better life. It is possible, trust me.

 

[joyfulgirl]

the last thing i EVER want to do is go on meds. i don't think anything in the world could convince me to do that.

That's how I felt when I was depressed. Instead of meds I saw a clinical nutritionist. With some nutritional adjustments and supplements, my depression went away and I started getting quality sleep for the first time in my life. I'd highly recommend that route to anyone before going on meds. Depression is often linked to nutrient deficiencies/imbalances.

Good luck.

 

[Liesje]

I've never been depressed (besides the normal ups and downs), but I came really close to an eating disorder and I've never really said anything about it to anyone until now. Basically, one summer in high school before I was old enough to work full time I was pretty bored, so that made me kinda frustrated and unhappy. Coupled with that I was seriously into gymnastics at the time and was trying to keep my fitness level up while not being in a competitive season. It happened so slowly I can't really remember how I got from point A to point B, but I remember one day thinking "this just is NOT me!" My entire day revolved around food, it was like a sick mind game I played with myself 24/7. No, weight and body image really had nothing to do with it. I'd take sick pleasure in daring myself to only eat one pack of crackers for three days and still biking 20 miles a day plus regular conditioning. The more I thought I was learning self-control, the more I spun out of control. Since then, I've managed to fill the void that these mind games once filled. I don't like to think about it a whole lot because it's weird to think how you can get into that kind of thing before you even realize it.

Like joyfulgirl said, compared to my friends, I avoided so much stress and depression during college simply by getting enough sleep and making my sleep schedule a priority. I was pretty much a straight-A student in high school and college and I've never pulled an all-nighter or gone more than two days on very little sleep. So many friends have ended up dropping out of school and/or having meltdowns because they bite off way more than they could chew and overlooked something as simple as sleep. Too much sleep won't help either. My good friend struggles with depression and anxiety and will often skip classes for a week and sleep all day. She doesn't feel any better and it just makes it harder to get into a healthy routine.

 

[Thora]

Too much sleep won't help either. My good friend struggles with depression and anxiety and will often skip classes for a week and sleep all day. She doesn't feel any better and it just makes it harder to get into a healthy routine.

Very good point!

I've dealt with depression since I was a teenager, and back then when I didn't understand what I was dealing with, I would often go to bed, and hide there for days. It was easier for me to go to sleep than to deal with what was really going on. I actually ended up being more tired and frustrated, because my sleeping patterns were so distorted.

My depression is mainly due to Seasonal Affective Disorder, but there were several other factors that have contributed to it as well (death of loved ones, some post-traumatic stress, an eating disorder, etc.) over the years.

There were times as a teenager when I felt there was no way out, and that the best thing would be to die. I never attempted suicide, but I did very seriously consider it. Those extreme forms of depression are no longer an issue for me, thanks to counselling I've received. I've dealt with all those past issues, and no longer feel that desperate or depressed.

Now it's more the weather that affects me, and it can be roller-coaster like. I sit in front of an LED light for half an hour every morning, and in the winter I do it at night as well. This tricks my body into thinking that it's receiving sunlight, and I do feel so much better. I also go on a vacation to a sunny place around Christmas time every year, which is extremely helpful.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that my form of depression is something I've learned to live with, and I'm able to cope so much better than I did when I was a teenager.

I hope this is helpful for you, and anyone else.

 

[meegannie]

I've had some form of what is probably depression for as long as I can remember. My earliest memories are all of wanting to be someone somewhere else and feeling really isolated. I never did anything about it until I was in my 20s because there was a stigma surrounding treatment for depression where I grew up and among my family (I can't count the number of times I was told to just "Stop being weird/stupid and get over it" or to pray about it). My parents either didn't notice or chose not to care about how I felt, and I didn't really talk to them about it either. I had a bad relationship with my stepmother, my dad was always working and not really one to talk to about feelings anyway, my mom is a whole other issue all together (I only saw her a couple of times a year anyway), I didn't have many friends and had no transportation to get away anyway, my brothers were really awful to me growing up, so I was pretty lonely and just read and cried a lot. I just thought I was abnormal and needed to try to become perfect in order to fix myself, and wasn't even aware that there could be ways to get help.

Anyway, I finally saw a doctor about it about six years ago, and she tried to talk me into seeing a psychiatrist, but I refused. I went on anti-depressants, but they didn't really work and I was worried about medical costs (even though my doctor was great and gave me free samples as much as she could), so I stopped taking them after about six months.

My depression became unbearable in 2003 when I moved to England to do a postgraduate course. I didn't know anyone, didn't have anything in common with any one on my course, lived in gross housing, and my programme was totally unorganised and unsupportive. I couldn't do anything without crying, and cried in the most embarrassing situations. Even though I was doing well in my course, I would go to my professors and cry about getting an A. I waited until odd times to use the kitchen or the bathroom so I wouldn't run into my flatmates, and hated to leave my room on my own.

I saw four or five different doctors, a counsellor, and a psychiatrist. The doctors I saw were cold and rude, the counsellor was really horrible, and the psychiatrist didn't do anything other than ask me about five questions and increase the dosage of prescription. I tried different anti-depressants, one of which made me really anxious and suicidal. One medication helped a bit for a while, but then stopped working, even when my dosage was increased to the maximum amount (and then I had to go off it suddenly and deal with lots of withdrawal issues because of problems with getting my prescription when I moved). Anyway, the only thing that helped me was to move in with my husband's family in London and exit my course with a postgraduate diploma rather than completing a dissertation.

I don't really have ups and downs; I just either feel flat or down/angry. I almost never feel happy; at the most I sometimes feel okay (only when I'm at home or travelling...somehow travelling is different from going into town and doesn't fill me with dread). When I do feel happy, it's never for more than an hour at most and I'm always scared that it won't last and then I end up feeling worse afterwards. I've tried six different types of antidepressants (all of which made me feel really spacey and unable to concentrate or had other side effects and none of which worked anyway) and have seen two different counsellors since I moved to Norwich (I think I've already had twice the normal number of appointments with the one I'm seeing now and I don't feel any further along than when I started). I take loads of vitamins and eat well, though I don't really think that's worked for me either. I've kind of just accepted depression as something I'll have to live with forever (at least in this form...hopefully never as bad again as it was three years ago though I do always feel like that possibility is hanging over my head), but I don't really feel comfortable just doing nothing about it, so I continue with the counselling and reading self-help books and try anything else I can find just in case I stumble across something that helps.

 

[Angela Harlem]

you break my heart, meg. i so hope that one day you can find something which helps.

 

[fly so high!]

hello there

out of curiousity, any of you lot who've gone through depression mind explaining for the rest of us how it came about, how long it lasted, and how you eventually came through?

what triggered it?

was it really... a case of mind over matter?

did you usually feel there was NO way out?

did you have really good days, followed by bad ones? a constant roller-coaster?

if you don't mind, please invest as many details you feel comfortable with.

i believe there's a few people here who'd benefit from hearing your experience.

thanks

I had post-natal depression. It was triggered by sleep deprivation and the inability to breastfeed (i felt extremely guilty that i could not feed my own child with my own breasts!)

It is not a mind over matter thing....it was a chemichal/hormonal inbalance.

I felt i was completely useless, a failure, at one point i imagined people were staring at me while i would be walking down the street with my baby girl in the pram whispering to one another "Oh look....there's a crap mum" "God...what's her problem everyone has kids what's her problem,she's just dumb!"

I had great days where Monique would smile at me and she would play with my hair (she used to twirl it around her finger when i used to feed her....she still does it ( 7 years old now!) when we have relaxing days and just sitting around) and i remember thinking i can do this, this is happiness and the day would simply flow, it was bliss.

But then something would happen like the phone would ring and wake her up or a TV show would be cancelled due to the Cricket/Tennis or........this is actually when my hubby knew this was not the normal baby blues..........i through a massive tantrum and saying that "i'm shit" and i can't do anything right and locked myself in the unsuite because.....my milo floated to the top of my glass of milk (i like my milo on the bottom....i'm now reformed i don't care where my milo is ) That was when i had intervention.

My hubby, my GP , my friends , my family and most of all my princess, helped me, i got through it (astoundedly without medication....i was closely monitored....i prolly could have gotten over it quicker if i were prescibed, no-one will ever know).....it was a bit of a blur and i don't remember much of Moni's first months, i'm not sure if that is because of the depression or just because time is getting on and you just plain forget.

My depression lasted 4 months.

 

[Illumination70]

I've been on meds since October of 2003 and they have helped me enormously.
Ever since I my diagnosis, I've been reading up on the causes of depression.
The causes can stem from one major traumatic event to repeated mental, blows.
I'm ok knowing I have an illness, but what bothers me is the ignorant comments which are thrown at us.

 

[MaxFisher]

Medication and therapy were a big help for me. I also made a couple of big life changes (realizing I hated my job and am currently going to grad school for something I want to do).

I still see my therapist on a regular basis but sometime last October I stopped taking my meds. I just realized I wasn't depressed anymore. I still get down and discouraged, but it's nothing like the overwhelming black hole I used to fall into for months at a time.

 

[Kieran McConville]

I will answer what I can.

Firstly I didn't 'eventually come through'. I'm convinced it's a lifelong series of cycles, up and down, up and down.

It helps me to involve myself in things I am passionate about (which might be as simple as reading a book. Anything to get out of dwelling on my shit).

I mention that because most of the things that depress me stem from problems that are insoluble. Don't believe people who say there is a solution to every problem. There sometimes isn't. I guess I try to 'live around' the insoluble shit, with varying success.

Good days, bad days, whatever. It's all up and down. I feel slightly chirpy right now, but yet nothing in my life has fundamentally changed since a year ago when I was in the pits.

Also I've never been on meds. I'm probably the wrong person to ask, Zoomerang. I'm not 'clinically depressed', which simply means a doctor hasn't prodded at me. I may or may not be depressive. It sure feels like it sometimes.

 

[Zoomerang96]

thanks again, everyone.

i don't believe i'm depressed either. my family does, however... it sort of runs through the bloodlines of my family.

but i guess, i just don't know.

like kieran said, some things have no cure. some things you can't work through, so it's best to walk around.

sounds like the cheap way out, but it's actually... the only way out.

many thanks again, folks.