Careers vs. Relationships

[BoMac]

As the title implies, I'm curious as to various perspectives on the delicate balancing act of pursuing or maintaining a career and getting into and ultimately staying in relationships.

A little background: I'm a very driven and ambitious person. I long ago decided that my career would be my priority and I won't stop until I get to where I want to be.

This fact is something I'm very upfront with with women. And it's also been a relationship killer.

I had been in a nearly two year relationship that ended not that long ago, and it ended mutually (probably the most mature break-up I've ever been in). The main reason for ending the relationship was that I was unwilling to budge on my career aspirations.

Very recently, I started dating another woman that I really liked - informally mind you - and she was well aware of my career plans. She appreciated my honesty, but yesterday told me she's interested in someone else, presumably someone that she knows will stay in town.

So this has left me wondering about where I go from here. I don't want to settle for a lesser position than what I've dreamed my whole life for, but I also want to give a relationship with someone a decent shot at succeeding.

So I guess my question is, how do you balance a career with a relationship? Has anyone been in a similar circumstance as me? How have you dealt with it?

And I realize that everyone is different, and it's ultimately up to me to decide what to do. I'm just looking for different perspectives on this.

 

[floweravalanche]

I'm a strong believer if someone loves you they'll support you in everything you do and follow you everywhere.

I had a discussion about this with my boyfriend the other night, he wanted to go to the military, and all he could ask me is "would, you support me? and go with me?" "will it brother you?". I replied with " whatever makes you happy, make me happy". Who am I to stop the one I love for pursuing their dreams? Their career, etc?

Juggling this can be hard, I'm currently going to two collages, working two jobs, along with other things. Yes it makes my boyfriend a little upset, but he understands. As longer as you don't neglect the person you are with, pursue your dreams, make every effert to communicate with them, communication is the key. A simple Tx, Phone, call, etc can make a difference, something that shows, you're still there and when you can spend time together, spend a much as possiable.

 

[anitram]

I'm a strong believer if someone loves you they'll support you in everything you do and follow you everywhere.

I really disagree with this strongly and I don't think it's that simple. Just my opinion/experience...

I could probably write a book on this topic, and I am coming from a very similar place as you, BoMac. Except that I'm a woman, so in some respects I think that it is even harder, as there is still a double standard when it comes to ambitious females.

My career and generally my ambition are probably my biggest success stories. My job is where I excel, where I am at my best, and where I still have miles to go. I don't like describing myself as a workaholic because it sounds negative, but I am best when I am busy and productive. I feel much happier running around 24/7 than sitting around. I hate admitting that when I get home early from work (and by early I mean 6:30 pm), I can't really sit still. I try to go to the gym or keep myself busy otherwise I will literally sit on the couch and wonder what it is that I should be doing with myself. You have to understand that this doesn't bother me at all, but when you tell others that, they look at you like you've grown a second head. What do you mean you don't want a weekend of doing nothing??? It's as if you're an alien.

My most recent relationship ended due to a number of factors, but the biggest and primary one was career/life choices. He left town and I stayed in the big city, chasing my dream. I don't really know what to tell you - on the one hand I think that we probably weren't meant to be if we wanted such drastically different things. On the other hand it broke my heart in a very unexpected way and I fear that some part of me will always be wishing that things were different.

The best that I can come up with is that a career and a relationship don't have to be mutually exclusive unless you want them to be. If you want to have both, though, there will probably have to be some level of compromise unless you are lucky enough to find a person who is willing to follow you around without a question. Maybe the thing is that we haven't found people that we are willing to give up something big for but they do exist. I can tell you that in my old relationship I gave serious consideration to making the sorts of concessions that I would have never thought I'd be ready to make. Ultimately, I obviously didn't, but it showed me that it's possible.

 

[No spoken words]

^

I'm afraid that once I start typing, I won't stop, since I've had some experience with this.

Suffice to say, the "a person will follow you everywhere" if they love you comment is silly to me, because it works both ways...if the person you're following loves you so much, why does that person need to be followed in the first place, why aren't they staying put. Love is complex, life is complex and just trailing after someone and abandoning whatever it is you've managed to build for yourself seems potentially shortsighted to me. Then again, to be fair to floweravalanche, if you just work (or don't), and don't have a "career", per se, no matter your gender, then perhaps you would be willing to follow your partner around.....I think a lot of us forget that for some, the be all, end all of life is finding that special someone and getting married. That's the goal, everything else is secondary. I'm not judging that, at all. God knows my priorities shifted not all that long ago....just saying that priorities vary and that actions based on those priorities will vary as well (this is no great revelation, I don't know fuck all so forgive me for typing some very obvious shit).

Also, as Martina said, having a career and a relationship can happen concurrently, it's just that if you are in a career that guarantees a lot of movement, then you have your work cut out for you. All of my married friends have jobs, they make it work. Most have kids as well, so both more or less have to work. They just figure it out. I think it's the moving around part that's most tricky here, for you.

As for personal experience....I honestly never thought that I'd literally sacrifice my career for someone, but that's exactly what I did about a year ago....I upped and quit and moved so I could move to where my gf was living at the time.....and, unfortunately, the relationship came to an end a few months ago....but, I'd not change a thing. I love her, still do, but I had to break it off because I knew that it was best for both of us in the long run (and I was right, as it turns out, we both agree now) but it still killed me to do it and I still feel great and deep sadness whenever I think on it for too long. Now here I am getting back into my old business, in a new city, my scholastic plans set aside for at least another year, and I will once again be miles apart from her...it's been an interesting 11 months. But, at least we fucking tried (we were long-distance for many years, first it was me in LA, her in the Bay Area, then it was me in Chicago, her still in the Bay Area) and so there are no "what if's" which is a consolation prize, to be sure, but a potent one. Sorry for the length of that, this thread is about you, not me.

So, again, as Martina said, it's possible that the "right" person will make you want to concede certain things you never thought you'd give up, which is what happened to me, eventually....or, perhaps, there will be a person you encounter who is ready/willing/able to move around with you. I don't know. I just wish you the best of luck and hope that whatever winds up happening down the road, that you're happy/content with your life.

 

[KhanadaRhodes]

So, again, as Martina said, it's possible that the "right" person will make you want to concede certain things you never thought you'd give up

this is true. though of course you cannot just expect anyone to do this, but yeah.

 

[BluRmGrl]

My - All you can really do is continue to be completely honest with anyone that you start dating. You'll either weed out all those who aren't interested in getting in line behind your career or you'll find 'the one'. In the meantime, you just have to make sure that you understand most people, especially women, want to be the #1 priority to their significant other, so there's likely to be a lot of weeding that you'll have to do.

Props to you for knowing exactly what your goals are, though. So many folks go through life with little to no idea.

 

[No spoken words]

Yeah, good point....so very key to be up front and honest about your current aspirations.

 

[BoMac]

When I started this thread, I somehow had a feeling that anitram and NSW would contribute.

^
So, again, as Martina said, it's possible that the "right" person will make you want to concede certain things you never thought you'd give up, which is what happened to me, eventually....or, perhaps, there will be a person you encounter who is ready/willing/able to move around with you. I don't know. I just wish you the best of luck and hope that whatever winds up happening down the road, that you're happy/content with your life.

I agree and maybe I will meet someone that will make me happily make concessions in order to build a strong relationship.

However, I am content with my life and what I've done so far, although I would love to be further ahead career-wise. My intent with this thread was to learn about other experiences and how they were handled.

Because really, in this regard, I'm virtually alone amongst my family and close friends. No one (except some of my fellow colleagues) is really able to fully understand it when I tell them that I'd first want to be in a good place professionally before I can commit 100% to a relationship. Many of my family and friends chose a stable relationship and settled for a lesser job, so I can understand why they wouldn't necessarily be on board with my own personal philosophy.

Anyway, thanks for the comments, people.

 

[Liesje]

So, again, as Martina said, it's possible that the "right" person will make you want to concede certain things you never thought you'd give up

Yep. If someone had asked me a while back I probably would have said I wanted to do this or this and was prepared to put career ahead of everything, did not need a significant other or care one way or the other about having a family. Now, the more I see my parents, my aunts and uncles, and how they are each going into their retirements able to enjoy themselves because they worked hard to manage a comfortable retirement and also have a good family surrounding them, I kind of want that too. I don't think I could ever not work at all because I go insane when I'm home-bound, even being sick for just a few days, or for a month when I was waiting to transition from one level at my job to another I just about went mad, but more and more I can see myself "staying home" to raise some kids. I used to be the "bread winner" in our relationship but Phil has pursued his dream, finished the required schooling and now has the type of career he wanted all along so with that weight off my shoulders I no longer feel like my identity and self-worth is just tied to my job/career and I want to be sure to have something (money, home, family...) to enjoy later on in life. I have always been a control freak but I had to be, I always had to look out for myself and things didn't happen for me unless I made it happen, but being in a marriage I am slowly learning that I can't control everything and don't need to feel like I should.

Some people call it "settling" but to me it's just maturing (me personally, not saying others are immature if they go down a different road) and my priorities adjusting.

 

[anitram]

My intent with this thread was to learn about other experiences and how they were handled.

I only really have two dating experiences that were affected by my career choices.

The first one ended because he had almost no ambition in life and was lazy (along with insane, but that's a whole other story). He was very much the artist type, but the non-productive one who gets down on life because nobody understands him and his deep suffering. After the honeymoon period you realize that you're just incompatible, though the career aspect of it is just one factor.

The second one was your classic case of career v. relationship. We essentially had the same job (think high powered Wall Street types who worked right across the street from each other). He hated his from almost the very beginning, and I was as happy as a pig in $hit. I got used to the demanding hours faster, I was more efficient which let me escape the office before him even though we were equally as busy. I also loved living in the city, strolling down the street at 2 am and not being alone, the arts, the culture and the vibrancy of it all. More than that, I had a ton of friends in the city whereas he had very few. He was born in a small, rural town where there were only white people and no ethnic restaurants, where everyone knew each other and people left doors unlocked. He hated the "inconvenience" of public transit, the distant personalities of strangers you'd meet on the street and the lack of green space. Meanwhile, I grew up in 4 countries, moved around a lot and simply flourished in the environment. After a year of living this way, he'd had enough, wanted to move back to a small town, start up in a small practice, buy a house with a picket fence on a lake and have a family. Meanwhile I wanted to have 10 Thai restaurants within walking distance, to make partner at one of the most prestigious firms, travel the world and adopt children somewhere down the road. I had just begun my career, I felt like I hadn't learned enough, like there was so much more I could offer and that I'd die slowly if I had to go live in the middle of nowhere and draft wills for pensioners for the rest of my life.

Now we live in separate places, our relationship is somewhere between non-existent (mostly at my insistence) and sadly friendly, and we're probably where we are each meant to be.

But don't let my story depress you, oddly enough I still have hope (just not with him).

 

[martha]

BoMac, I admire your honesty with women. You make sure they know what they're getting into. I like that.

I don't have much to say about careers. I have one, but I have no aspirations to go any higher in it. None. The work's too hard and the pay ain't shit for the next higher position than mine. My husband is working part-time at a paying job and nearly full-time on a huge art undertaking (see my sig).

BUT, we've been married for 21 years and have been happy in our relationship for 22 years. We are each other's refuge and solace and best friend. I wouldn't trade that for any well-paying, prestigious career in any field at any time.

My point is that as long as you know what you want, and what you're willing to miss out on, then you'll be fine.

 

[AliEnvy]

BoMac, I admire your honesty with women. You make sure they know what they're getting into. I like that.

I haven't dealt with that situation personally but I have seen up close in friends and colleagues what it takes for a relationship/marriage to work when one person is on an ambitious, mobile and not entirely flexible career path.

If your career takes priority over your relationship with your significant other, it won't work long-term. Ever. And that's fine, your priorities might change once you've risen to where you want to be. Might be a bit lonely until then.

It will work if you find someone who wants to ride that adventure with you and whose own ambitions for personal development (not career necessarily) are flexible enough to allow your career to take precedence.

That said, I'm not sure where your career track is headed, but I know many families that have ridden the expat merry-go-round. It generally only works when one spouse doesn't have a career (or even work) and is strong enough to build support networks in new environments and cultures.

 

[UberBeaver]

the "a person will follow you everywhere" if they love you comment is silly to me,

Are you still mad cause I wouldn't go to LA, and chicago, and then LA again, and then the Bronx, and then...I think LA again and now Seattle? We had this discussion and I reiterate my 2.5 words: "Coach? LOL. Adios..."

 

[BoMac]

Well, this is a public forum, but I honestly don't fucking care anymore.

Over the last few months, I realized that the person I would be willing to concede my career for is my GF of 2 years that I broke up with in June. The reason for the break-up was simply distance: I was unable to find a job in my field and the distance was killing us, even though we saw each other relatively often.

So, it's been eating at me ever since we broke up. I dated other people, as I mentioned in the OP, but no one compared to her or what we had. The connection was instantaneous when we met 3 years ago, and I never forgot about that.

I have never felt a greater love and connection than with her, and yet I was stubborn in my conviction of not giving up my career for her. I wanted BOTH.

So this has been eating at me for the longest time, and I finally told her last night that I still loved her, I wanted to give it another try, and I'd be willing to move to be with her, with or without a job in my field. Letting all that out made me feel better, but I guess I never prepared myself for the possibility that she had moved on. She never explicitly said so, but that's the feeling that I got, and quickly ended the conversation.

So I had a horrible, sleepless night, sick at the thought that I let go of the best thing to ever happen to me because of my own stubborness.

I'm not doing good right now, but I know in time this hurt will heal.

 

[corianderstem]

I'm sorry.

 

[Sicy]

 

[martha]

I'm sorry.

 

[ryancoke71]

So sorry BoMac!

 

[KhanadaRhodes]

i'm so sorry bomac

 

[anitram]

So, it's been eating at me ever since we broke up. I dated other people, as I mentioned in the OP, but no one compared to her or what we had. The connection was instantaneous when we met 3 years ago, and I never forgot about that.

I have never felt a greater love and connection than with her, and yet I was stubborn in my conviction of not giving up my career for her. I wanted BOTH.

I am really sorry. I know exactly where you are coming from and what you're talking about. Right now it is unimaginable that you will feel that connection with anyone else. There is just no way that you can picture it in your head, fathom it, hope for it, anything.

But you are also right that you will get better. I can't promise a lot of things in life but this is one of them. You haven't walked away with nothing - you now know what you are willing to risk and give up.

The day will come when you will not think of this person even once.

And the day when you will begin to think of somebody else will sneak up on you.

And then you'll find your life unimaginable without them in it. And with that will come the slow realization of all the ways in which you are much better now.

 

[Rachel D.]

I'm a practical person and I've always thought of romantic relationships as nonessential. You've got to look out for yourself and not be dependent on someone else to be the source of your happiness. Look no further than Facebook to witness the unnecessary roller coaster ride this will send you on; my friends and their status updates make me want to be celibate forever (euphoria, babies, marriage, divorce - in that order). Sure, I could still fall in live with some guy someday, but right now I'd rather have a career and be independent. If it's meant to be, it will happen. All this might sound cold, but it's how I fell right now. There's nothing wrong with wanting a relationship and all that, but don't put so much into it that it consumes you, and don't go down with the ship.